The thickening plot and staying on my own side for once!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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The thickening plot and staying on my own side for once!
So... my xabf and I are still on great terms. He is still plucking away at sobriety. Still a little early to say whether or not we'll really move forward together or not. He is due home from deployment at the end of this month. If he is still rockin it, he'll be just over 90 days.
Anywho.... We had a great talk yesterday. Even managed to reconnect on a deeper level. He let me in a bit with all of the childhood demons that he found had been hidden away under all of his drinking. We had a moment, and it was good.
But the rest of the conversation was spent with him telling me about how the military is now trying to revoke their original "punishment" with him (they stripped him of a rank which means he will phase out by the end of the year), and now they want to add it as dishonorable and also take his severance pay.
Lexie, I think it was you who suggested to me that sometimes the consequences of drinking are delayed. And I let that sit with me a while, and I could even see how my own codependent behaviors got me in trouble for some years to come... Heck, I am still dealing with bad credit for having chosen to stay with an unhealthy man, now over 6 years ago! And, I will ALWAYS have to deal with that person. Delayed and continuous consequences for that bad relationship.
It is what it is.
I feel real bad for him. He did the right thing and confessed to having missed his flight because he was hungover from the night before. Literally, missed it by minutes... and this flight miss is what got him in trouble. Doesn't really sound criminal to me. Sounds like substance abuse issues, and I find it pretty appalling that his prior years of service mean nothing in the face of an addiction problem that had no connection to criminal offenses.
Well... Other than my opinion up there, that is about as far as I am gonna go with it! No longer am I the girl who will rescue or dole out advice or console someone who is now feeling the affects of their own choices.
I told him I was sorry it was happening. That the only way through the mess is to just do it. (and he agreed with a reference to one day at a time). and I left it that!
I feel so accomplished here. In the past, I would have done the research for him, suggested and pleaded that he take my advice. Offer him money and/or a place to stay. Show up to court with him (and ditch my own responsibilities). I would have told him that 'it wasn't his fault.'
(this was me like 6 years ago... I have never done these things with him, though it was never necessary to put into practice with him until now,)
I can see now how my past behaviors enabled and took someone else's responsibility away. And what's awesome is that he didn't try to cross that line either. He took responsibility for himself and is already coming up with his own plans to deal with it all. That was pretty cool.
Sometimes, I think, those of us codependents and/or addicts start off with some traumatic event/s and so we turn to our chosen escape. And then the escape turns on us which causes us more traumatic events.
Coming out of all that means digging ourselves out of a HUGE pile of muck... and we can either choose to try and escape again... or we can deal with it. Head on. And the thing is... dealing with it doesn't guarantee that bad stuff isn't going to happen or that we will no longer see the consequences of our own actions. All it guarantees is that we will no longer blow things out proportion and continue to bury ourselves with even more muck! And in the process, we gain wisdom, and tools, and compassion, and ourselves <3
Anywho.... We had a great talk yesterday. Even managed to reconnect on a deeper level. He let me in a bit with all of the childhood demons that he found had been hidden away under all of his drinking. We had a moment, and it was good.
But the rest of the conversation was spent with him telling me about how the military is now trying to revoke their original "punishment" with him (they stripped him of a rank which means he will phase out by the end of the year), and now they want to add it as dishonorable and also take his severance pay.
Lexie, I think it was you who suggested to me that sometimes the consequences of drinking are delayed. And I let that sit with me a while, and I could even see how my own codependent behaviors got me in trouble for some years to come... Heck, I am still dealing with bad credit for having chosen to stay with an unhealthy man, now over 6 years ago! And, I will ALWAYS have to deal with that person. Delayed and continuous consequences for that bad relationship.
It is what it is.
I feel real bad for him. He did the right thing and confessed to having missed his flight because he was hungover from the night before. Literally, missed it by minutes... and this flight miss is what got him in trouble. Doesn't really sound criminal to me. Sounds like substance abuse issues, and I find it pretty appalling that his prior years of service mean nothing in the face of an addiction problem that had no connection to criminal offenses.
Well... Other than my opinion up there, that is about as far as I am gonna go with it! No longer am I the girl who will rescue or dole out advice or console someone who is now feeling the affects of their own choices.
I told him I was sorry it was happening. That the only way through the mess is to just do it. (and he agreed with a reference to one day at a time). and I left it that!
I feel so accomplished here. In the past, I would have done the research for him, suggested and pleaded that he take my advice. Offer him money and/or a place to stay. Show up to court with him (and ditch my own responsibilities). I would have told him that 'it wasn't his fault.'
(this was me like 6 years ago... I have never done these things with him, though it was never necessary to put into practice with him until now,)
I can see now how my past behaviors enabled and took someone else's responsibility away. And what's awesome is that he didn't try to cross that line either. He took responsibility for himself and is already coming up with his own plans to deal with it all. That was pretty cool.
Sometimes, I think, those of us codependents and/or addicts start off with some traumatic event/s and so we turn to our chosen escape. And then the escape turns on us which causes us more traumatic events.
Coming out of all that means digging ourselves out of a HUGE pile of muck... and we can either choose to try and escape again... or we can deal with it. Head on. And the thing is... dealing with it doesn't guarantee that bad stuff isn't going to happen or that we will no longer see the consequences of our own actions. All it guarantees is that we will no longer blow things out proportion and continue to bury ourselves with even more muck! And in the process, we gain wisdom, and tools, and compassion, and ourselves <3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
This is awesome-you said it better than I ever could. I didn't like the person I became so bogged down with my exs behavior-I got covered in muck. I'm thankful to have learned new ways and realizing that even in a marriage, my responsibility is to myself....I've gotta keep myself good regardless. His responsibility is his.
Happy to hear of your good news and positive changes. It's freeing! It is so good to read this!!!
Happy to hear of your good news and positive changes. It's freeing! It is so good to read this!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good for you! You know, something about this sounds a little bit fishy to me. I wonder if he's been as "sober" as he claims to be. God knows, the military do some effed-up things, but this adding-on of penalties for something that happened months ago just sounds odd. It could be that the punishment was on appeal all this time and he's only now telling you, or it could be that he's still drinking and messing up.
Either way, as you said, it is what it is (whatever "it" may be). As they say, more will be revealed. If he IS sober, this can just be one of those things in the past.
Good going!
Either way, as you said, it is what it is (whatever "it" may be). As they say, more will be revealed. If he IS sober, this can just be one of those things in the past.
Good going!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Hmmm.... that might be true.
Just another reason why I need to let plenty of time pass before jumping back into things with him when he gets back!
He is going to take it court, however. I don't foresee this going very far at all if he did in fact drink again. And he is getting off of restriction this week... which probably wouldn't happen if he had been drinking again.
At any rate... not really worried at this point. For now, I feel good and he sounds good, and unless I am faced with the reality of his drinking again, there will be no future trippin for me! Hahaha... THAT seems to be one of the hardest parts for me in this whole process of getting over codependency..... The impending doom that is always looming, just waiting to take away the good stuff, ya know?! lol..
Just another reason why I need to let plenty of time pass before jumping back into things with him when he gets back!
He is going to take it court, however. I don't foresee this going very far at all if he did in fact drink again. And he is getting off of restriction this week... which probably wouldn't happen if he had been drinking again.
At any rate... not really worried at this point. For now, I feel good and he sounds good, and unless I am faced with the reality of his drinking again, there will be no future trippin for me! Hahaha... THAT seems to be one of the hardest parts for me in this whole process of getting over codependency..... The impending doom that is always looming, just waiting to take away the good stuff, ya know?! lol..
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And I have to clarify something, I think.
I am really bad at not clarifying who I am talking about when I write.... Bad habit!
The man that sent me into major codie behavior, where I was trying to control and love him to death and I had all the answers is the father of my youngest daughter. That relationship dragged me through hell. And I still have to deal with him because we share a child. I ended it with him back in 2008. Oh... SEVEN years ago! HA! And that is who I meant "it is what it is"...
And with my recent xabf, he and I never had all the horrible drama that I had with the other ex. But he IS an alcoholic, and no matter how sweet they are, they always seem to have trouble in their lives due to the drinking. And MY own behavior in these types of unhealthy relationships has changed over these past 7 years, so I feel sooo much better about my plight this time around.
Just wanted to clarify =)
Thanx for your support and encouragement guys!!!!
I am really bad at not clarifying who I am talking about when I write.... Bad habit!
The man that sent me into major codie behavior, where I was trying to control and love him to death and I had all the answers is the father of my youngest daughter. That relationship dragged me through hell. And I still have to deal with him because we share a child. I ended it with him back in 2008. Oh... SEVEN years ago! HA! And that is who I meant "it is what it is"...
And with my recent xabf, he and I never had all the horrible drama that I had with the other ex. But he IS an alcoholic, and no matter how sweet they are, they always seem to have trouble in their lives due to the drinking. And MY own behavior in these types of unhealthy relationships has changed over these past 7 years, so I feel sooo much better about my plight this time around.
Just wanted to clarify =)
Thanx for your support and encouragement guys!!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 11
I agree that as Codie's or as alcoholics/addicts, most of us have had some traumatic events in our past... As a fellow Codie I think my own trauma and knowledge of my AH's trauma makes me feel like I should be understanding and help him... "Save him" really... It can be so hard to say, "I care about u and and feel bad for you but I have to think of myself now." Congrats on reaching that point. I'm almost there...
Oh and I also loved how you pointed out that we Codie's are always waiting for impending doom. I am struggling with that now, instead of enjoying the peaceful lull in the storm...
One day I'll get it!
Oh and I also loved how you pointed out that we Codie's are always waiting for impending doom. I am struggling with that now, instead of enjoying the peaceful lull in the storm...
One day I'll get it!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Nice post, lemon girl!!
Wow the more I read this forum, the more I realize alkies and Codie's have a looooot in common. No wonder we find each other, and no wonder some of us are both!
Good job on your recovery!
Wow the more I read this forum, the more I realize alkies and Codie's have a looooot in common. No wonder we find each other, and no wonder some of us are both!
Good job on your recovery!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by LemonGirl 
So... my xabf and I are still on great terms. He is still plucking away at sobriety. Still a little early to say whether or not we'll really move forward together or not. He is due home from deployment at the end of this month. If he is still rockin it, he'll be just over 90 days.
Anywho.... We had a great talk yesterday. Even managed to reconnect on a deeper level. He let me in a bit with all of the childhood demons that he found had been hidden away under all of his drinking. We had a moment, and it was good.
But the rest of the conversation was spent with him telling me about how the military is now trying to revoke their original "punishment" with him (they stripped him of a rank which means he will phase out by the end of the year), and now they want to add it as dishonorable and also take his severance pay.
Lexie, I think it was you who suggested to me that sometimes the consequences of drinking are delayed. And I let that sit with me a while, and I could even see how my own codependent behaviors got me in trouble for some years to come... Heck, I am still dealing with bad credit for having chosen to stay with an unhealthy man, now over 6 years ago! And, I will ALWAYS have to deal with that person. Delayed and continuous consequences for that bad relationship.
It is what it is.
I feel real bad for him. He did the right thing and confessed to having missed his flight because he was hungover from the night before. Literally, missed it by minutes... and this flight miss is what got him in trouble. Doesn't really sound criminal to me. Sounds like substance abuse issues, and I find it pretty appalling that his prior years of service mean nothing in the face of an addiction problem that had no connection to criminal offenses.
Well... Other than my opinion up there, that is about as far as I am gonna go with it! No longer am I the girl who will rescue or dole out advice or console someone who is now feeling the affects of their own choices.
I told him I was sorry it was happening. That the only way through the mess is to just do it. (and he agreed with a reference to one day at a time). and I left it that!
I feel so accomplished here. In the past, I would have done the research for him, suggested and pleaded that he take my advice. Offer him money and/or a place to stay. Show up to court with him (and ditch my own responsibilities). I would have told him that 'it wasn't his fault.'
(this was me like 6 years ago... I have never done these things with him, though it was never necessary to put into practice with him until now,)
I can see now how my past behaviors enabled and took someone else's responsibility away. And what's awesome is that he didn't try to cross that line either. He took responsibility for himself and is already coming up with his own plans to deal with it all. That was pretty cool.
Sometimes, I think, those of us codependents and/or addicts start off with some traumatic event/s and so we turn to our chosen escape. And then the escape turns on us which causes us more traumatic events.
Coming out of all that means digging ourselves out of a HUGE pile of muck... and we can either choose to try and escape again... or we can deal with it. Head on. And the thing is... dealing with it doesn't guarantee that bad stuff isn't going to happen or that we will no longer see the consequences of our own actions. All it guarantees is that we will no longer blow things out proportion and continue to bury ourselves with even more muck! And in the process, we gain wisdom, and tools, and compassion, and ourselves <3
Anywho.... We had a great talk yesterday. Even managed to reconnect on a deeper level. He let me in a bit with all of the childhood demons that he found had been hidden away under all of his drinking. We had a moment, and it was good.
But the rest of the conversation was spent with him telling me about how the military is now trying to revoke their original "punishment" with him (they stripped him of a rank which means he will phase out by the end of the year), and now they want to add it as dishonorable and also take his severance pay.
Lexie, I think it was you who suggested to me that sometimes the consequences of drinking are delayed. And I let that sit with me a while, and I could even see how my own codependent behaviors got me in trouble for some years to come... Heck, I am still dealing with bad credit for having chosen to stay with an unhealthy man, now over 6 years ago! And, I will ALWAYS have to deal with that person. Delayed and continuous consequences for that bad relationship.
It is what it is.
I feel real bad for him. He did the right thing and confessed to having missed his flight because he was hungover from the night before. Literally, missed it by minutes... and this flight miss is what got him in trouble. Doesn't really sound criminal to me. Sounds like substance abuse issues, and I find it pretty appalling that his prior years of service mean nothing in the face of an addiction problem that had no connection to criminal offenses.
Well... Other than my opinion up there, that is about as far as I am gonna go with it! No longer am I the girl who will rescue or dole out advice or console someone who is now feeling the affects of their own choices.
I told him I was sorry it was happening. That the only way through the mess is to just do it. (and he agreed with a reference to one day at a time). and I left it that!
I feel so accomplished here. In the past, I would have done the research for him, suggested and pleaded that he take my advice. Offer him money and/or a place to stay. Show up to court with him (and ditch my own responsibilities). I would have told him that 'it wasn't his fault.'
(this was me like 6 years ago... I have never done these things with him, though it was never necessary to put into practice with him until now,)
I can see now how my past behaviors enabled and took someone else's responsibility away. And what's awesome is that he didn't try to cross that line either. He took responsibility for himself and is already coming up with his own plans to deal with it all. That was pretty cool.
Sometimes, I think, those of us codependents and/or addicts start off with some traumatic event/s and so we turn to our chosen escape. And then the escape turns on us which causes us more traumatic events.
Coming out of all that means digging ourselves out of a HUGE pile of muck... and we can either choose to try and escape again... or we can deal with it. Head on. And the thing is... dealing with it doesn't guarantee that bad stuff isn't going to happen or that we will no longer see the consequences of our own actions. All it guarantees is that we will no longer blow things out proportion and continue to bury ourselves with even more muck! And in the process, we gain wisdom, and tools, and compassion, and ourselves <3
I hope we can be friends. It's awesome to read your old posts and see how far you've come!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I think that's the greatest thing about this place-we can read back through others posts to see how far they've come-and remind them of that when they fail to see it (I need reminding from time to time as well!). Wishing you peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
This: "Offer him money and/or a place to stay. Show up to court with him (and ditch my own responsibilities)."
Wow..I needed to hear a lot of that, thank you! I still find myself abandoning what I need to be doing to help or make happy someone else. All that leads to are feelings of being used or taken for granted, but I know it's my choice. I am going to try and begin changing that pattern. Not easy, I can feel it that my insides are not comfortable with that thought, but nonetheless, I'm going to work on it.
Wow..I needed to hear a lot of that, thank you! I still find myself abandoning what I need to be doing to help or make happy someone else. All that leads to are feelings of being used or taken for granted, but I know it's my choice. I am going to try and begin changing that pattern. Not easy, I can feel it that my insides are not comfortable with that thought, but nonetheless, I'm going to work on it.
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