New here. Exhausted, sad, confused.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 8
New here. Exhausted, sad, confused.
This is my first time posting. I've been with my AH for almost 10 years now, married almost 2. I'm only 26, he's 31. I thought for the first few years of our relationship that we were just young and partying like a lot of people do and didn't really clue in to what was going on (I grew out of the partying phase and wanted the whole house marriage kids thing). By the time I started to understand that his drinking wasn't a phase and was getting progressively worse I was in love and thought I could fix him. I wanted to believe everytime he told me he'd change that he meant it. But then again he'd only tell me he'd change to appease me in that moment cause he's never really thought he has a problem. I've read a LOT of these threads before posting and it all sounds so familiar. I've found myself begging him to apologize to me and telling him what to apologize for (pointless I know but I guess I just want to hear it so bad).
He's got in trouble plenty... a few DUIs. His last one his BAC was i think over triple the legal limit and he doesnt remember getting in the car.The last one landed him a 30 day sentence which was reduced if he went to addictions counseling. I was so hopeful that this would help him but when he'd come home from a meeting he'd go on about some of the more extreme cases in his program and how he must not be an alcoholic because he holds a job and has never drank mouthwash. He still thought it acceptable to drink and drive his four wheeler drunk during his probation because that was on private property and 'the cops can't do anything about that '(his mentality makes me crazy).
I'm always afraid of what's going to happen next. Will he get arrested again? Set the house on fire cause he's drunk trying to cook at 3am? Will I find him dead in his puke? I seriously don't sleep when he's drinking because I'm so scared of what might happen. It's doing some serious physical and emotional damage which i don't need after being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder after the premature birth and complications with myself and my son. I'm embarrassed to go anywhere because of the drunken scene he'll likely make.
I told him after his last episode Friday night that I think we may need to separate. I've threatened this a million times and never followed through so I'm sure he thinks I'm full of it. I said the only way I'd consider not leaving is if he gets help because obviously doing it on his own is not working... but then I wonder if I was wrong in doing that because if he seeks help only to keep me from flying off the handle is that really going to be effective? I guess it doesn't matter cause he didn't agree to it anyways. He's never really admitted that it's a problem. He's only said 'well I didn't say it's not a problem' after our crazy fights when I ask him if he's blind to the fact. Then he somehow always manages to turn it around on me which is the most frustrating.
The part that makes me feel so sick and guilty is that the thought of leaving lately is more scary to me because I'll be financially screwed. I dont make near enough to support myself and my son and put him in daycare while I work... I also work shift work so i don't even understand how daycare works when I have to have him picked up by 6. My son requires physio because of his prematurity and if I go back to work and have to work more than usual to support us I feel like I can't be an active part of that and I want him to have everything he needs. Of course the thought of leaving because I still love my husband makes me really sad but I feel like a horrible person that one of the only things stopping me is that I'm scared that I can't provide for me and my son.
Idk I could go on rambling forever I guess I just needed to finally get that out and thought this would be a good place where people would understand.
I just don't know what to do anymore. This is night 4 of laying in bed alone with him in the house and our awkward 'not talking but don't know what we're doing ' state. I'm sure I know what I should do.. I just don't want to have to admit it
He's got in trouble plenty... a few DUIs. His last one his BAC was i think over triple the legal limit and he doesnt remember getting in the car.The last one landed him a 30 day sentence which was reduced if he went to addictions counseling. I was so hopeful that this would help him but when he'd come home from a meeting he'd go on about some of the more extreme cases in his program and how he must not be an alcoholic because he holds a job and has never drank mouthwash. He still thought it acceptable to drink and drive his four wheeler drunk during his probation because that was on private property and 'the cops can't do anything about that '(his mentality makes me crazy).
I'm always afraid of what's going to happen next. Will he get arrested again? Set the house on fire cause he's drunk trying to cook at 3am? Will I find him dead in his puke? I seriously don't sleep when he's drinking because I'm so scared of what might happen. It's doing some serious physical and emotional damage which i don't need after being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder after the premature birth and complications with myself and my son. I'm embarrassed to go anywhere because of the drunken scene he'll likely make.
I told him after his last episode Friday night that I think we may need to separate. I've threatened this a million times and never followed through so I'm sure he thinks I'm full of it. I said the only way I'd consider not leaving is if he gets help because obviously doing it on his own is not working... but then I wonder if I was wrong in doing that because if he seeks help only to keep me from flying off the handle is that really going to be effective? I guess it doesn't matter cause he didn't agree to it anyways. He's never really admitted that it's a problem. He's only said 'well I didn't say it's not a problem' after our crazy fights when I ask him if he's blind to the fact. Then he somehow always manages to turn it around on me which is the most frustrating.
The part that makes me feel so sick and guilty is that the thought of leaving lately is more scary to me because I'll be financially screwed. I dont make near enough to support myself and my son and put him in daycare while I work... I also work shift work so i don't even understand how daycare works when I have to have him picked up by 6. My son requires physio because of his prematurity and if I go back to work and have to work more than usual to support us I feel like I can't be an active part of that and I want him to have everything he needs. Of course the thought of leaving because I still love my husband makes me really sad but I feel like a horrible person that one of the only things stopping me is that I'm scared that I can't provide for me and my son.
Idk I could go on rambling forever I guess I just needed to finally get that out and thought this would be a good place where people would understand.
I just don't know what to do anymore. This is night 4 of laying in bed alone with him in the house and our awkward 'not talking but don't know what we're doing ' state. I'm sure I know what I should do.. I just don't want to have to admit it
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Welcome! There is a lot of good information in the 'stickies' section. I found al-anon a great comfort. It helped me keep a sense of calm--sometimes--in the midst of my ex's alcoholism.
And remember, you don't have to make any decisions until YOU are ready. Every family is different, but I am a fan of getting good information. Whether it is from SR, al-anon, a therapist, a lawyer--all of these people can give you the information YOU need to make YOUR decision. Going to see a lawyer is sometimes free, and can be a helpful first step. Same with a financial planner, or career counselor.
Separating, staying, divorcing--we make choices that feel final, but anything can happen. I know people who have divorced over alcoholism, then remarried a few years later! And people who live in serenity with a loved one who is an alcoholic.
None of your choices is easy, but take the time you need, and welcome!!! I wish all the best for you and your family!
And remember, you don't have to make any decisions until YOU are ready. Every family is different, but I am a fan of getting good information. Whether it is from SR, al-anon, a therapist, a lawyer--all of these people can give you the information YOU need to make YOUR decision. Going to see a lawyer is sometimes free, and can be a helpful first step. Same with a financial planner, or career counselor.
Separating, staying, divorcing--we make choices that feel final, but anything can happen. I know people who have divorced over alcoholism, then remarried a few years later! And people who live in serenity with a loved one who is an alcoholic.
None of your choices is easy, but take the time you need, and welcome!!! I wish all the best for you and your family!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome,
Yes, information is your friend. Seeing a lawyer doesn't obligate you to do anything, but it might give you an idea of what your rights and obligations might be. He would undoubtedly have to support his child, which includes helping to pay for day care, therapy, and anything else the child needs (food, clothes, a place to live, etc.). I also strongly suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting and start with that. You are feeling (understandably) overwhelmed, and because Al-Anon focuses on getting you healthy after living with the insanity that goes along with alcoholism, it will help you clear your head so you can make good choices.
Believe me, the logistics of separation and divorce, as well as being a single parent, can be learned. You can gather some good friends around you--including those you will meet in Al-Anon (who will understand the way no one else possibly could)--who can give you advice and help when you need it.
You don't have to decide anything this minute. Start taking some steps to take care of yourself and your and your son's future and eventually things will become clearer.
Yes, information is your friend. Seeing a lawyer doesn't obligate you to do anything, but it might give you an idea of what your rights and obligations might be. He would undoubtedly have to support his child, which includes helping to pay for day care, therapy, and anything else the child needs (food, clothes, a place to live, etc.). I also strongly suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting and start with that. You are feeling (understandably) overwhelmed, and because Al-Anon focuses on getting you healthy after living with the insanity that goes along with alcoholism, it will help you clear your head so you can make good choices.
Believe me, the logistics of separation and divorce, as well as being a single parent, can be learned. You can gather some good friends around you--including those you will meet in Al-Anon (who will understand the way no one else possibly could)--who can give you advice and help when you need it.
You don't have to decide anything this minute. Start taking some steps to take care of yourself and your and your son's future and eventually things will become clearer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 8
Thanks everyone. Definately think talking to a lawyer would help. I guess I just felt like if I did that it would have to be such a final thing where I'd be deciding to give up.. which I'm not ready for. But I do think it would be comforting to know my options. I'm sure alanon would help too since I definately need to get better myself.
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