defeated

I'm new to this forum. I know most of you are dealing with pretty severe alcoholism. My husband typically drinks at least 1.75 liters of Jack Daniels per week. That's what, 5 or 6 drinks per day? That's just what he has over a week at home, after work. If we socialize at all he drinks even more, and there are always at least 6 beers added to the tally at the end of the week. He rarely admits to being drunk. I can tell instantly when he's had a few too many by a certain look in his eye and by his mannerisms. He's always been a bit of a pessimist, but lately I can't stand being around him. He is rarely happy, and even when he is his mood can change for no apparant reason in an instant. He is often belligerant, and he acts like he's mad at the world. It seems like he spends 75% of his waking moments ticked off about something. We are both self employed and we have been in financial difficulty for well over half of our 12 year marriage, but we are certainly far better off than others. Life is difficult, but we still have a lot to be grateful for and I try not to dwell on the bad. This seems to irritate him even more. I was just sitting here quietly enjoying some peace after a very hectic day. Hubby could not sleep and came downstairs to join me and immediately my blood pressure shot up. All he did was complain and yell about his lousy day and bad luck. When I tried to calm him down he gaot more angry that I could not understand his frustration with the world and the fact that he cannot get everyone to do his bidding at the drop of a hat. If I try to talk, I'm either wrong or I don't understand. If I just let him vent and don't say nything, then I'm ignoring him. Either way he stomps off angry. I just can't win. I want to talk to him about it, but I'm afraid to set him off and he will deny any problems, anyway. Most of the time he has me feeling like I've done something wrong. I'm so frustrated and worn out. It's really hard to describe this in a few paragraphs! He is a good man but I think he is depressed and has been for a long time. We have a three year old daughter and I don't want her life to be overshadowed by this. How do I approach him without being accusatory? I really think he needs help. Sorry for the long rant.

best

Welcome to SR

The male ego and then adding alcohol....
Well till he is ready to seek change...
Till he reaches a point that he feels he needs to seek change...
Till he sees a need for change...
He won't change.

Best thing you can do is look for Al Anon meetings to give you the support and info needed to best deal with things.
His issues, only he can change them. You need to do for you.
Keep looking for the positives and not dwell on the negatives... Good job there.

The male ego and how we deal with things internally plus adding alcohol can make him frustrated. His frustration and lashing out gets you feeling frustrated. One of you will need stop the cycle. One of you being sober... well that would be the one who can start to change the cycle. Al Anon has the info to help you deal so you won't get frustrated. His emotions, he will need find a fix for. Read a few of the posts here. See how others deal with things. Know you are not alone. There are many here who hold great wisdom. I am sure you will see that as you read on.

Oh and it isn't your fault... His issues, his emotions, his drinking....I can't blame me so it must be you? well it isn't you.

bjmt

best,very good post. Don't think it could have been said any better.
defeated,welcome to forum. Your husband sounds like a clone to mine.
Keep posting and remember everyone here is in this together.

degadar

Here Here.

My wife would say the best way to change your man's behaviour is to set an example - men follow, women lead. That's her opinion of course, and I have to agree ;-)

Don't make direct references to him, but point out other people who have a problem and praise him for being so good. Maybe tell him you think you have a problem and need his help. A woman can out plot a man - make the most of that advantage.

You need to look after yourself too though, the burden of dealing with this will be huge, get support and help from those who've been in your unenviable situation.

Best wishes.


Deg.

splendra

defeated-

Welcome to sober recovery!!! My oh my how did you rate all this attention from our guys right off the bat. Great post Best and Deg!!! I am hoping hearing from the guys will give you a little added insight..

Us girls all know how you feel too. Get to some local alanon meetings and get some phone numbers and learn from them how to change your own behaviors. You will find lots of good info here too. Read all the "stickie post" at the top of the "freinds and familys of alcoholics" forum and keep posting and reply to the others post and it will help you feel more sane. Take care of you!!!

JT

Defeated,

Are you peeking through my windows???

I have come to believe that most men think they have to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Oh, and lets see...while I am digging a hole I might as well go for it! My husband behaves like a child much of the time complete with temper tantrums. He can complain about something or someone while convieniently forgetting that he did the same thing 30 seconds ago. I find it frustrating too, but it is also predictable, funny and kind of endearing (sometimes). He's not very deep, but with age he is getting there.

I have been program for some time and I have to agree with the "leading by example" comment above. Ward has grown as I have grown and he suprises me sometimes...there are whole days when he almost walks upright!

What I do when he is complaining is I ignore him. He knows it too...it is pretty hard to miss when my eyes glaze over and I start cleaning something. I don't accept his placing blame everywhere but himself either and if I call him on it he doesn't "get" it. So I stopped trying to make him "get" it. If he wants to be miserable that is his right.

Hugs,
JT

defeated

I will get to an alanon meeting. I'm hoping to get some insight here as well. First, from other women in the same position, and also from some men. I know men and women are inherently different (that's putting it mildly!) and my husband and I have worked out a lot of problems before because we understand this to be fact, but right now I am having a hard time dealing with our differences because we CAN"T seem to communicate well. We just wind up completely frustrated with each other. I don't know how much of it is alcohol and how much is just the male genetic factor. Guys, how do we communicte with you without seeming like sniveling, tiresome wusses? Ladies, how do you get results without them going on the defensive? I usually use gentle suggestions and leave the rest up to him, but it is not working this time. Thanks to all for your posts so far. I am off to check out stickiepost.

journeygal

OMG - for once I am wishing we had the argueholics forum for this thread!

Jack behaves like a child a lot too. The tantrums, always complaining about and blaming everyone else for his problems, lashing out, etc. It's annoying, to say the least. These days I just feel like saying to him, "Would you please just grow up!!!!"

Defeated, your husband probably needs help but in the meantime it definitely wouldn't hurt for you to attend some al-anon meetings. Al-anon helps us change the way we react to and deal with the alcoholics and addicts in our lives.

Take care,
JG

defeated

JT, we must have been posting at the same time! My husband sounds exactly like yours, temper tantrums and all! Unfortunately, they have become a daily occurance and I am incredibly sick of it. If I ignore him, he just gets even angrier. In the past I could just tell him to knock it off, especially if he was putting on a show in front of my daughter or others, but that ticks him off now too. If I try to reason with him he thinks I don't understand and he gets mad. He just wants to be mad and he wants everyone else to be, too! I wind up with my stomach in knots about 90% of the time and I reallly don't want my daughter to follow his example.

degadar

In my case it was about 90% alcohol! really. I'm much more of a model man-about-the-house. Honest, and I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true - I'm my biggest critic.

I think the biggest diference is my growth in self esteem. As I've got more confident everything has become easier. Without drink I've had time to talk and communicate with my other half for the first time in, wait, EVER! Boy does that make a difference. I can behave now in a way that deserves respect - and not just demand it...

Your guy needs lots of exercise, lots of good food, regular fussing, and fresh water every day... bit like keeping a dog really. We're really simple. And you won't find a dog that can put shelves up.

Deg.

Cap3

Hey defeated,do you know what helped to drive me totally off da wall?Made me pissed...Nuts..It was through my trying to change another.I drove myself,crazy.Had many plans,and stragitites..Id say to myself,ok if i do this,,then he should react that way..But he never did...Ok,now plan.A..didnt work out for me,,im onto plan .B.Then plan C,,etc..etc...None of which ever worked the way i wanted,,.Common sence,became un-common sence with us,.So there never came about the results that i wanted to see in another.Acceptance,was my answer.To accept,the person that my hubby is,and not the person that i "wanted" him to be...Not easy to do.but once i focused on my own recovery,and started to do the do things in programs,my life changed.he didnt change....I did,..To give,,to him,without,expectations,of recieveing..And ,to,stop, feeding the fires.,and getting into the fires,,lol...If he came in the room wanting, to rip,roar about whatever,and i didnt feel like listening to it,i left and did something else.Like,call my sponsor,,read my books,,get amonition,here for myself...His whaling behind,me,,you dont care,,wahhhh....But what ive learned from my own experience is that ya cant make sence out of another who is drinking.Who is sick...Sick folks cant act and behave as if they are well.Sick folks dont reiveve,what another tells them,like normal folk.They deny,and turn the tables on the other person.They dont take responsibility,,.Everything,and i mean everything,was,MY fault,so i was told..lol..So,Its somewhat like talking to da wall.Same results.Only the wall is quieter,,.and doesnt put blame on another...lol....Until they reach out for help,and start a recovery program of their own.In the meantime may i suggest as others have to start your own recovery,with Al-anon.And to get any,info you can about alcoholism...
God Bless,,take care!!!!!!!!!

redrose0729

When my boyfriend is in his fussing mood I have found ways to "take the wind out of his sails" . Deg is right about us women having ways to outsmart men. I have ideas and lead him in a way that he thinks it was his idea and sit giggling inside but I won't never tell him that...LOL..... Men generally strive to know they are doing good they cannot stand to be doing things wrong us women we don't care if we get it wrong as long as we get it eventually. Deg is also right about the comparing to a dog thing they need to be patted on the head also you know the "good boy" thing only don't make it sound like that.
rose

JT

I am laughing so hard!!

Deg...that is exactly how I have come to see my husband. Not as a dog...but simple. Not at all complicated if I don't make it that way. I have learned to let his macho posturing roll off me in the same way my complaints and requests roll off him!

I try not to resort to manipulation because that is one of my own defects...not saying what I mean and manipulating to get what I want. There is something to be said for waiting patiently for a time when his ears seem to be open.

JT

shyQcodep

I'm pretty late to this party (and I thought that I'd done pretty good with that character defect ), but I'll second (or is it 4th) Deg on leadership by example. I can't back up the gender part (that's another thread for me and TMI for some), but for every step I've made in recovery my partner has followed in some way - including stopping drinking. (JT, you probably remember that thread.)

The really good thing about leading by example is that even if your partner doesn't get better, you prepare yourself for whatever comes next.

J.

best

Nothing gets me moving faster in the Saturday AM then to see my wife starting to collect tools. Yup just like a puppy. I want to play ... or is it guilt? as I say opps! took to long to finish that project I think.

Thing about the alcohol though... A puppy gets a reward for good behavior and ignored for bad behavior.. Though you may want to kick the puppy in the tail end at times, that may just cause the puppy to bite.
Ignore = not reacting to the bad behavior.

I am sitting here laughing but trying to remain serious at the same time.

Just thinking of myself as a wet nosed puppy and how true that is in so so many ways.
When a woman shows respect for good behavior and not reacting to bad behavior... the not reacting is the same as showing no disrespect.
Still does such work when alcohol is involved? No the alcoholic needs to want to stop themself. Still the idea of a woman holding the leash ... yes we are simple and minus alcohol you can get us to do just about anything ...yes even hang a shelf *LOL*
Oh and if I may gloat... I finished the painting and wallpaper in the bedroom *LOL*

Magichappens

Hey defeated,
Talking to him may not do any good ( no win situation) but coming here has saved my sanity. Glad you could join us. Vent, post, or reply. It really helps.
I also attend Al-Anon and swear by it. Hugs, Magic

TinyVoice

my experience......NOTHING you can do makes him react in the way he should. he needs to quit drinking. but you can't control his drinking any more than his negativity.

learn how to control YOUR feelings and find peace.

yes women can lead by example or do all those other funny things people brought up here.....when you have a HEALTHY relationship. but that isn't gonna happen til he quits drinking and works on HIM. HE has to do that.

just focus on YOU...you won't get him out of the negative...just don't let him suck you into it.

I can't wait to have a man that talks and acts like Best and Deg sound in their posts. I've just gotten out of a whole year of hell, living with an ASO floatin' on de nile!!