Alcoholic Husband in rehab, not seeing much progress
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somers, MT
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Alcoholic Husband in rehab, not seeing much progress
My common law husband and I have been together for almost 5 years. I met him at a very vulnerable point in my life when I was depressed. He is charismatic and has a very outgoing, great personality. Or so it seems. He is like that to pretty much everyone else, but to me he has been nothing short of cruel. He isn't physically abusive, but he has said to me some of the worst things I have ever heard about myself. Although, I don't feel depressed anymore, I have stayed because now I feel I am too involved to just walk away without trying to make things work. I do love him, think he has it in him to be a good person. Ok, so he left for alcohol rehab 2 months ago. We talk on the phone almost daily. And 2-3 weeks ago we started joint counseling sessions over the phone with a counselor from his facility. I am very resentful for what he has put me through in the past. This is what I need to talk about in therapy. I need an explanation (other than "I was drinking") or at least an epiphany on his part that he realizes and cares that he has treated me so badly. He never wants to discuss this and will either blow up and become very angry and start turning the blame on me because I keep bringing up the past and I won't let it go. Or he will use defense mechanisms and diversion tactics to avoid the topic. A lot of the things I want to talk about and keep bringing up are things that are only as far in the past as him leaving for rehab. It's not like I'm bringing up something he did or said 3 years ago and I just can't let it go. I want to talk about the pattern of behavior that he set and how it continued on and on. I want to know things will be different. He says they will be but cannot tell me how. That's another topic he avoids is telling me how things will be different; what I can expect to be different when he gets out of rehab. He is being discharged in 2 weeks. I have pretty much lost hope. He is still avoiding responsibility, consequences, has little remorse. Will this change? Am I really supposed to just shut my mouth and be supportive and not acknowledge my feelings at all? Suppress everything I feel for his benefit? I don't even know what to do now. I don't even feel he has made enough progress in rehab to stay sober more than a few weeks. He is acting like a dry drunk. And if something doesn't drastically happen in the next 2 weeks, I don't know how I will co-exist under the same roof with him while I am just sitting around waiting to see if maybe one day things get better. And advice?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You could tell him and his therapist you aren't ready for him to come home in two weeks--that they should consider making arrangements for him to stay at a sober-living house.
I understand that feeling that you have five years "invested" in the relationship, but the mere possibility that it COULD be good if he gets sober isn't something I would count on. He could relapse, he could remain a dry drunk, or he could recover and still not be someone you want a relationship with.
It will be a lot easier to have this conversation now, when he is working with a therapist who can help him with finding other living arrangements, than kicking him out after he comes home if it goes badly.
I understand that feeling that you have five years "invested" in the relationship, but the mere possibility that it COULD be good if he gets sober isn't something I would count on. He could relapse, he could remain a dry drunk, or he could recover and still not be someone you want a relationship with.
It will be a lot easier to have this conversation now, when he is working with a therapist who can help him with finding other living arrangements, than kicking him out after he comes home if it goes badly.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Heather, Welcome and I am sorry that you are here. You sound like every spouse of an addict when they finally arrive here. You are pxssed at what has transpired in your life. You want to make sure that its not going to happen again.
I understand your frustration. But you have to realize that you are as sick as he is. He is addicted to alcohol, and you are addicted to him. You need to get help for yourself. What have you been doing to help yourself, anything? When you are with an addict, it is like a two person disease.
You need to start doing some work on yourself. He is not going to make you happy. He can not promise that he won't relapse. There is no guarantees in life. But you can hit an alanon meeting or an open aa meeting. You can educate yourself about this disease. You can set up boundaries and learn how you enabled him to step all over you. Why you accepted unacceptable behavior from someone who you loved.
Once you start working on you, there might be a chance to bring a recovering Alcoholic back in your home. But if you don't educate yourself on what he has been through, it will never work, and you will never be happy.
Hugs my friend, keep posting, asking questions. Go over the the "new to recovery" and "alcoholism" forum. That will really open your eyes to what it is truly like to be an alcoholic. Good luck!!
I understand your frustration. But you have to realize that you are as sick as he is. He is addicted to alcohol, and you are addicted to him. You need to get help for yourself. What have you been doing to help yourself, anything? When you are with an addict, it is like a two person disease.
You need to start doing some work on yourself. He is not going to make you happy. He can not promise that he won't relapse. There is no guarantees in life. But you can hit an alanon meeting or an open aa meeting. You can educate yourself about this disease. You can set up boundaries and learn how you enabled him to step all over you. Why you accepted unacceptable behavior from someone who you loved.
Once you start working on you, there might be a chance to bring a recovering Alcoholic back in your home. But if you don't educate yourself on what he has been through, it will never work, and you will never be happy.
Hugs my friend, keep posting, asking questions. Go over the the "new to recovery" and "alcoholism" forum. That will really open your eyes to what it is truly like to be an alcoholic. Good luck!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^^ question to above-so are those things just off limits? You can't talk aboyt the past behaviors or discuss what ifs with sobriety? Geez-this makes me feel like I was doing it all wrong. My ex went to rehab for a week last November and did quit drinking-then told me two weeks later I needed to make a decision about him coming home....so I did state that with all the past behaviors (scary creepy drunk things) that I needed to see much more sobriety time and also needed to discuss what I would be doing if he relapsed. Were these not appropriate things to say? Thanks for listening 
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Regarding his alcoholism, not drinking one day at a time is making progress and no one can predict how long anyone will stay sober. As a recovering alcoholic I'm not surprised that he's basically the same person. There was a saying: "take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief and you have a horse thief." I've seen big changes in people working the program but it takes years of hard work. What you see is what you get, basically.
When I put my codependent hat on I suggest trying to let go of expectations. What I experienced after a dysfunctional relationship with an alcoholic was there was a point when too much hurt had taken place. Verbal abuse is horrendous and I don't know if there's a way of forgetting it and letting it go. We learn in AA that we are responsible for everything we say and do, even when we were drunk.
It sounds like pride may be at play here. You haven't invested too much time to go on in an untenable relationship. You still have many years ahead of you that can be happy and productive. I had to leave and, I won't kid you, it was very hard. But today my life is 1000% better because I'm not sharing a life with someone I can't trust and don't respect. Alanon was a life saver for me, it helped me change and get the life I always wanted.
A very big hug. I don't know you but I do know you deserve much better than you've been getting.
When I put my codependent hat on I suggest trying to let go of expectations. What I experienced after a dysfunctional relationship with an alcoholic was there was a point when too much hurt had taken place. Verbal abuse is horrendous and I don't know if there's a way of forgetting it and letting it go. We learn in AA that we are responsible for everything we say and do, even when we were drunk.
It sounds like pride may be at play here. You haven't invested too much time to go on in an untenable relationship. You still have many years ahead of you that can be happy and productive. I had to leave and, I won't kid you, it was very hard. But today my life is 1000% better because I'm not sharing a life with someone I can't trust and don't respect. Alanon was a life saver for me, it helped me change and get the life I always wanted.
A very big hug. I don't know you but I do know you deserve much better than you've been getting.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Heather....anyone who knows me, on this forum, knows that I have always maintained that it would be a perfect situation if the alcoholic and their loved ones lived seperately after rehab/or in the early period of sobriety. (early sobriety---6mo to one year)....technically 2-3yrs for the steps to really begin to "sink in".
It is usually emotional hell for BOTH parties.....and it is inhumane for 2 sick people to be gnawing on each others bones. I use the word sick for lack of a better word---but, surely, you get my point? Alcoholism does a job on the partner as well as the alcoholic....and they need as much support and attention as the alcoholic. They are often overlooked and feel "neglected" for good reason.
They need to work a program if they can have good expectation for the relationship to survive.
Many relationships do not survive. There are no gurantees....
dandylion
It is usually emotional hell for BOTH parties.....and it is inhumane for 2 sick people to be gnawing on each others bones. I use the word sick for lack of a better word---but, surely, you get my point? Alcoholism does a job on the partner as well as the alcoholic....and they need as much support and attention as the alcoholic. They are often overlooked and feel "neglected" for good reason.
They need to work a program if they can have good expectation for the relationship to survive.
Many relationships do not survive. There are no gurantees....
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Even if he laid out to you a concrete plan for how things will be different, it won't help. Because he cannot guarantee anything, only time and actions will show you that. Also, if you are constantly watching for the plan to roll out and looking for deviations, then you start monitoring his recovery, which won't help either one of you.
As for wanting him to own the things he did drunk, I completely and utterly get where you are coming from. It has taken me two years to start to understand what my A and others have told me. When they are that level of black out drunk, they don't see those they love as people. Their brains don't even record what has happened in the last few minutes so they act entirely on impulse and will say or do whatever it takes to satisfy that impulse and get what they want.
When my A starts getting sober, he is never able to talk about his behaviour straight away because he is so ashamed as memories come back. But he does talk about it in little bits as time goes on and he does try to make amends.
It's possible that it's too early in your husbands sobriety for him to deal with this yet. That's not to say it doesn't need talking about, but it might have to wait until he is more established in his recovery. Let him show you by his actions whether things will change or not.
I know its hard, you've waited for him to get into rehab to say all the things you need to say, but for him it will be like waking from a very bad dream. He's still groggy.
If his recovery is genuine, he will show you. But expect mood swings, expect him to be agitated and difficult. Early sobriety is hard for everyone concerned and you may have to wait a little longer before dealing with some of the things you want to deal with.
As for wanting him to own the things he did drunk, I completely and utterly get where you are coming from. It has taken me two years to start to understand what my A and others have told me. When they are that level of black out drunk, they don't see those they love as people. Their brains don't even record what has happened in the last few minutes so they act entirely on impulse and will say or do whatever it takes to satisfy that impulse and get what they want.
When my A starts getting sober, he is never able to talk about his behaviour straight away because he is so ashamed as memories come back. But he does talk about it in little bits as time goes on and he does try to make amends.
It's possible that it's too early in your husbands sobriety for him to deal with this yet. That's not to say it doesn't need talking about, but it might have to wait until he is more established in his recovery. Let him show you by his actions whether things will change or not.
I know its hard, you've waited for him to get into rehab to say all the things you need to say, but for him it will be like waking from a very bad dream. He's still groggy.
If his recovery is genuine, he will show you. But expect mood swings, expect him to be agitated and difficult. Early sobriety is hard for everyone concerned and you may have to wait a little longer before dealing with some of the things you want to deal with.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Heather....do you completely reject the idea of him living in a sober living environment during early recovery.....to give both of you a chance to stabilize a bit?
dandylion
dandylion
I think him returning home still in denial and both of you so angry would
make success very difficult.
Please see my post on your other thread in this forum if you haven't yet. . .
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello,
Why have you been talking daily to a person who verbally abuses you?
What exit plan are you working on? Do you have a job? Have you been learning about codependency and cycles of addiction? What are your kids learning from this partner?
You can only control yourself. You can only change yourself.
It is exceedingly unlikely that this man will ever 100% return to the version of himself that you fell in love with.
Why have you been talking daily to a person who verbally abuses you?
What exit plan are you working on? Do you have a job? Have you been learning about codependency and cycles of addiction? What are your kids learning from this partner?
You can only control yourself. You can only change yourself.
It is exceedingly unlikely that this man will ever 100% return to the version of himself that you fell in love with.
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