Reverting back to adolescence
 

This is what I find most infuriating.

My AH is no longer my partner as in making joint decisions about our home, our future, our finances. He has totally reverted to acting like he's 17. He is now planning a boys weekend in our house. He will have his friends and brothers over and camp out in the garden. They will eat from the BBQ, but the sole purpose is to get drunk. He has told me that he intends for it to last all weekend...or in his words..until it reaches a natural conclusion.

Hey...this is MY HOUSE TOO!! I asked him what he thinks our daughter and I will be doing, and he laughed and said, why don't you go on a spa weekend and have your nails done....honestly I could have smacked him in the face!

I just don't know what to do. I can't forbid him to arrange it. He's not my son...though he has cast me in some sort of parent role...joking to our son, saying not to tell me things that he's planning. Our son is acting in a more mature way than his Dad.

I'm just so angry. Don't get in the ring with him...I'm trying that one, but I hate being seen as some sort of killjoy because I won't condone this. We have got a tiny terraced house and our 2 adjoining gardens have got very young children who play there. When he's drunk he's is very loud and inappropriate. It makes me squirm with embarrassment.

Do I tell him what I feel? He has just walked away from any discussion I've tried to have with him. He hasn't drunk for a week now and he's really on edge..snappy and bad-tempered.

I just miss having a partner on equal terms with me.

Yikes ! Like you said It's your place too . I'm kind of lost for words except - if it was me I would tell him to take the BBQ (party) over to a buddies house . I would also put my foot down & say I do not want that kind of stuff going on around the children !
If all of that doesn't sink in could you go stay to family or friends ? I know you shouldn't have to leave your own home . I couldn't deal with it staying sober :(

I remember those days. Living with an out of control "teenager" that, unfortunately had his own income, and didn't have to "respect my authority".

I don't have any advice. Maybe the best thing is to go away for the weekend, and let the chips fall where they may. Honestly, I don't know. I'm curious what others have to say. I just wanted to send you some love and support.

One thing though. Try not to be embarrassed by his actions. Let him own it. I suspect the neighbors have already figured out that you're the grown up in the relationship. There's nothing for you to be ashamed of. Don't assume that if he makes a fool of himself he's making one of you too. He's not.

Jeni,
The last year of my 26 year marriage my xah left every weekend. He canoes, and would take off 3 on Fridays and get home at midnight on Sundays. He still does it now. He blew off fathers day, because he had plans with all his single 20/30 something single friends. My DD23 came in town this weekend and he told her he would be home Friday and Sunday night. I called him out on it and stayed the weekend. Both DD's tell me its completely uncomfortable with him. They have nothing to say. DD21 told me when she first got there the house smelt like weed. He is acting like a 17 year old child in a 50 year old body.

Its disgusting and my girls can't figure him out. DD21 is going to college this weekend and XAH is driving her. But again he is dropping her off and going canoeing. She has been crying for a week that she doesn't want to drive 6 hours in the car with him. She is texting him this am to see if I can go and help her. Will see where that drama goes.

Good luck!!

I'm just confused as to how much to say or do about this. I hate being put in this position and my house doesn't feel like my home any more.

I hate alcoholism.

Jen, I think you've done all you can do about it. You expressed your opinion and now he has basically said, "Yeah, so what?" right?

So you now have the choice of staying and making your peace with it, or planning a nice weekend at the lake or the forest, or just at a nice hotel. Mini-vacation! If you can frame it in a way that is to your benefit, it will go well.

I like the idea of a mini vacation. You could also talk to the neighbors and tell them to feel free to file a noise complaint if the "boys" get too rowdy. Complaining neighbors might make your home a less attractive party spot in the future.
I remember those feelings of being mortified by my ex's behavior, like I was somehow responsible for him. It's a no win, being that enmeshed with someone else. These days I work not to feel that with anyone, not even my kids. It's been hard to let go of because I grew up with the idea that I was responsible for other people's behavior and emotions.

Oh me too. So so much.

Yikes-I remember those days. My ex claimed I ran off all his friends-nope, I just put my foot down on what would be happening at our house and around our kids. He was more than welcome to go get drunk at a buddies house-but instead he usually ended up angry at me and drunk at home. Naturally-it's what they do. It is like having a teenager as a partner. God didn't intend marriage that way. I think that's what I truly miss the most-feeling like I had no partner, because in reality I didn't. Boundaries are for you and your kids. Hold tight! Peace to you!

ladyscribbler, that is how I was raised too. I think a lot of us who find ourselves here are. It sure didn't work that well, did it?

I remember frequently hearing, "What will the neighbors think?" or, "Well, what did you do that made her feel that way?" You know, maybe instead my neighbors needed to mind their own beeswax or maybe my parents needed to care a little less than they did about every nuance of everyone elses' thoughts. Of course, that thinking was pretty common. Laying guilt and shame on the kids kept them in line, right? Problem is, when I became an adult I still tried living by the same rules and that fails in a major way if I'm trying to enforce those "rules" on other adults.

All I can do is my part and then let go of the outcome.

and my house doesn't feel like my home any more.

that is one of the worst feelings in the world, isn't it? and yet it can be the launching point to the life you truly want.

i too vote for the mini vacation....some time away FOR YOU. just make sure the homeowner's insurance is paid up!

They should be doing that at a campground somewhere. Is that a possibility? Then you and everyone else won't have to deal with it.


As for the other issues that have arisen, that's an unfortunate state the relationship has taken on. Only after I quit drinking did I realize how much drinking keeps you from growing emotionally.

Jeni......if you step back and look at the big picture.....your husband is obviously struggling very hard with his disease.....and it l ooks like the disease is dominating...
I can't remember if he is in any kind of treatment program to help him.....

As you know....the disease is progressive...and they do regress more and more in an attempt to get to that "feel good" or even to feel NORMAL. After a while, the alcoholic drinks just to feel normal....and keep the pain at bay....
Of course, detaching and not engaging in the "fighting" gives you a modicum of space---or, at least keeps you out of the stupid fights that y ou have no hope of ever winning..... But, that, alone will not give you a peaceful and co-operative home life with an actively drinking alcoholic who is spiriling downward.
If he is just "white knuckling"....that can be as bad...or worse....than the actual drinking....

For you, the task will be to decide how much you and your kids can manage and live with. That is all you can control. What he is going to do is going to be up to him.....as you can see--you cannot control him, in the end.

He is going to do what he damn well wants to do---the question becomes--what are you going to do?

dandylion

Remember that an active alcoholic does not think about how his/her actions affect others-usually the people they love the most.

Sounds like he's going all out just to push your buttons. There's no sense trying to engage with him about it - that's what he wants. Do you know the guys (or their WIVES) well enough to call them and explain the situation so they don't come over? I know that would start WW3 with the A but it needs to go down at some point. How EMBARRASSING!!

I like the idea of giving the neighbors a heads-up, if you are on speaking terms with them. You can tell them you tried to persuade him that this was not a great idea, and that you plan on not being around.

I forget how old your son is, but I wouldn't feel real comfortable leaving him in that mess, either. Maybe he could stay with a friend for the weekend?

Ugh, I feel for you...

He's 22, so an adult. I have spoken to him really openly about addiction and how it has affected me. He is a good sensible lad, and my only worry is that he will get hurt. Last time they had something like this they had a BB gun which fires pellets and thought it was real amusing to fire it at each other.

I think my son will end up parenting his father.

I agree to talk to the neighbors. Maybe the men in the other households that have small children can explain it is a neighborhood with families and his drunken behavior is not wanted and will not be tolerated. What if you alert the local police and ask what they can do to help you. I wouldn't want to leave MY home with MY things in it while men do whatever they want to do while I am gone.

Holy crap, a bunch of drunk guys shooting BB guns in a place where there are small kids around--not to mention neighbors whose property might be damaged?

I think I might give the POLICE a heads-up about this little party of his.

As I wrote it, the seriousness of the situation was not lost on me.

My heart feels heavy with carrying the responsibility for a situation that is not of my making.