I was doing so well
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
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I was doing so well
then my adult kids come on the scene cos of my boys coming to live with me and I am back to square one.
I realised exah didn't break me. They have. As long as I have the boys I have their bullying nastiness. They make me feel worthless, unlovable and a waste of space.
I realised exah didn't break me. They have. As long as I have the boys I have their bullying nastiness. They make me feel worthless, unlovable and a waste of space.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Is it your boys who are living with you making you feel bad or the older kids? Either way you don't need to put up with it. I would tell them in no uncertain terms that if they can't show you respect then they aren't welcome.
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The boys love being with me. It's not them. 3 of their older siblings are the issue. They want to see the boys but "I am not invited." They phone them but I am expected to stay out of the way. Only my son is in the room I am in. I do LIVE here. They say things like we think the boys will be fine with you as long as we can keep the drama out of it. I said the boys are staying with me whatever you do. It's not negotiable. You are the ones drama queening, not me. Putting the phone down on one child cos I asked him to ask you to invite his brother to Whatsapp to save his text limit cos I can't invite him from my phone is not mature. Then being rude about me when said child calls you back. I did nothing. Son is now threatening to stop speaking to them. I am getting the blame. I am his mother, we have always been close , what did they expect?
The boys want to see them so I am stuck with them.
The boys want to see them so I am stuck with them.
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They won't come here but they are expecting to meet the boys outside. My daughter who is speaking is coming to collect them for access .It's like being married to exah lol. My main problem is the messaging drama that goes on and phoning on speaker so I can hear their nastiness. That and they hijacked their birthdays last year and Christmas. I wasn't invited. The boys are close to their siblings so I cannot stop them seeing them. I think one will get fed up tho. He's already threatened to stop speaking to them unless they be civil to me.
I need to stop then getting to me. That's why I posted. Why should 3 nasty, bullying girls make me feel so bad about myself?
I need to stop then getting to me. That's why I posted. Why should 3 nasty, bullying girls make me feel so bad about myself?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
An easy fix--pre-arrange a set time weekly or whatever with the daughter with a simple text confirmation when she is downstairs and waiting.
Aside from that, don't engage in calls or texting with any of them.
End of story.
Situation is in your control, not theirs Tansy. . .
Aside from that, don't engage in calls or texting with any of them.
End of story.
Situation is in your control, not theirs Tansy. . .
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 171
I would tell them in no uncertain terms that if they cannot be polite and respectful to you in your own home, to GTFO. Same with phone calls. Hang up.
You don't need that crap in your life. That was one of the reasons I left the day I did.
Sue
You don't need that crap in your life. That was one of the reasons I left the day I did.
Sue
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I think my mistake was thinking I'd be forgiven eventually for being human. Am a good mum and I was hoping they'd understand I wasn't myself the 6 months before me and ex ah split up. I did my best but I was in a terrible state emotionally. I am not forgiven and I never will be. The sad truth is I am not worth giving a second chance to when my only crime was being upset around them SOMETIMES ( not all the time) prior to the split. The 25 years of devotion to them has been forgotten for that 6 months I needed my adult children's support. I can stop them texting, stop them phoning ( not their siblings however. I can't stop them contacting them) but I can never, ever get through how they have made me feel. With that comes the fact I'd never dare reach out to anyone cos am not worth the trouble to be cared about. I ask nothing of anyone anymore and have no expectations of anyone. Not even people I give a lot of my time and effort too.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by Tansy 
With that comes the fact I'd never dare reach out to anyone cos am not worth the trouble to be cared about. I ask nothing of anyone anymore and have no expectations of anyone. Not even people I give a lot of my time and effort too.
In the meantime, please go easy on yourself. I doubt any of us on this forum skipped through the journey with a smile on our face. We all have had our "moments". And, you are worth it! Stay strong.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
You are worth it Tansy--you did your best and their treatment of you says far more about their lack of self-worth than your own.
Don't allow their negative venom to seep into your world.
You deserve more and so do your younger boys.
Hugs
Don't allow their negative venom to seep into your world.
You deserve more and so do your younger boys.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
That sounds like misplaced anger to me. As adults now, they need to take responsibility for their own understanding of things... and who knows how long that process will take for them.
Detach. Know your worth.
Detach. Know your worth.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Tansy, I have been in a similar situation. My oldest daughter makes me feel like I am worthy to be with grandson when she needs me to buy him an expensive Christmas gift or she needs a baby sitter. I was not invited to go on vacation to the beach with her and my mom and was deeply hurt by that because I always wanted to build a sand castle on the beach with him. She isn't disrespectful really but she makes it clear that she has a hard time forgiving me for the mistakes I made prior to the divorce. All the good mom stuff went out the window because I was unhappily married and wanted out after 22 years of being miserable. I feel like we will never be close like we used to be and it breaks my heart. I continue to be there for her when she needs me and love spending time with my grandson even if I don't see him as often as I would like or get to go to the beach with them. Hang in there, be good to yourself, Forgive yourself and they will come around in time. If not still be good to you! Know you are not alone.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Oh Tansy....they are toxic. And feeding off one another is my guess. I agree, pre arranged times and if the kids are on a phone call with them, step away from it, or have them take it to their room. You are not obligated to put up with that sort of toxic behavior in your life, at all.
Many, many tight hugs to you.
Many, many tight hugs to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Things have calmed down now. We have an arrangement in place whereby they meet the boys downstairs and I have no contact with them at all. It is working well. I am not feeling hurt now. I think they are treating me disgustingly and it is their problem not mine now but I am not letting it get to me anymore. My life has gone down the volunteer in homeless and recovery charity route which is ironic really. I meet a lot of recovered/recovering alcoholics in my daily life. This is therapeutic for me cos I have realised a lot of how exah was not about his alcoholism at all. It is how he is as a person. The drinking was a problem but he is not a very nice person anyway. I think I needed to know that. I meet many alcoholics who are not horrible people. They struggle, they have their moments but they are nice people.
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