I feel like I should be able to do something!! HELP
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 6
I feel like I should be able to do something!! HELP
My sister sent me this website and swears that it is helping her cope with everything. My mother is an alcoholic. She has been for 25+ years. I guess i have know all along (being the oldest of 3 or 4 if you want to count my older 1/2 sister, who was not raised with us). I guess I should start from the begining.
I dont have a lot of memories of my childhood. One of my earliest ones is of my mom and one of my Uncles, not sure which one...throwing a huge party. This would have been after my mom's divorce. I remember going downstairs and screaming at everyone to shut up because my little sister (who is 1 1/2 years younger) couldnt sleep. I dont remember being bothered by the fact that i couldn't sleep, just her... I couldnt have been more than 5 years old...
This was just the beggining of a lifetime of playing mom. I felt it was my duty, my job, whatever to take care of my little sis, wheather she liked it or not...(which later in life of course she did not..he he he)
The next set of memories I have is from about 3rd grade on till whenever. A period of time that i later found out my mother was sober for a few years. Those weren't so bad... Then the two next distict memories i have are from when i was 13 or 14. One is of my mom trying to take me, my little sis and my little bro, who was barley riding a bike at the time on a bike ride over the trails in northern CA. Disticly i remember my mom falling off her bike over and over. The other one was when our neighbors had their daughter's wedding in their backyard, and my mom got wasted. I had had enough and i walked out of the house after an argument with my mom that ended with something like "you promised!" and i was gone all night just walking around the neiborhood. Of couse my parents called the cops and it was not pretty when i got home.
dont get me wrong my childhood was not all bad, just most of my earliest memories are. I still love my mom, and she and i used to be really close, we always were...but now...i wont play her games. I wont let her tell me that she is the victim here. yes she is an alcoholic and yes alcoholism is a disease, but the whole idea is that you can stop if you want to. and she cannot get past the idea that, like i said before, she is the victim here. No matter how much support my dad gives her, no matter how much he sacrifices for her, she gets mad at him and it's always "you dont know what i've had to put up with. you dont know what i've gone through." when i know of NOTHING that can rival what my dad has suffered during his entire marraige to her.
then we moved and there would be times that i would smell alcohol on her and occassionaly i would ask her if she had been drinking, and of course she would say no and we would continue on like there was no problem. well from there she progessed. she engaged in some non violent criminal activity, which she claims not to blame anyone but herself, but that is not how she really feels, she lets it slip sometimes. nothing is ever her fault. sorry i'm getting off topic. my mom has a lot more wrong with her than just the alcoholism.
so finally a month and a half before my little sister's wedding my mom binged for 3days. and then tolf the family about her criminal activity and finally admitted to being an alcoholic. unknown to me she had been in in paitient trreatment several times before. but in anycase she enrolled herself into a facility upstate. She wont admit it but i think it had more to do with the fear of going to jail than her desire for help.
she got out of the facility early, because she is to goddamn smart for her own good and convinced them that she would be ok. she was drinking a few days later.
:yell:
and from there it has escalated. car accidents, her disappearing anywhere from a few hours to a few days. detox on numerous occassions. threats to kill herself. overdoseing on sleeping pills. and probably a lot more i dont even know about. i left the house at 17 and joined the army. at the time i told myself that it was because i would waste my parents money if i went to school, and i needed a break. but now i think it was a quick way out... I'm glad I did it though. I met my husband of 5 1/2 years, and my daughter is now 9 months old. But i fear she will never know her grandmother...i live in constant fear that i will never see my mom again because she will be dead before i can make another trip home.
My father, brother and sister bear the brunt of my mother actions. All I can do is sit up here and wish that i could do something. I cant help but think that if i hadn't left i could've made a difference. when she went into inpatient i flew home to go to the family meetings. of course my presence did no good. My sister has gotten to the point where she is thinking about having a child of her own, but is scared because they say alcoholism is hereditary.
I have lost my best friend, the mother i used to talk to on a daily basis i now talke to once a week or less. she doesn't want to talk to me because i no longer let her talk bad about my dad and claim that everything is his fault. she wont let anyone say that anything is her fault at all. she freaks out and accuses you of whatever and says the same old stuff "you dont know what i went through" What i try to tell her is "you dont know what we are all GOING through right now. not past the Present." She cant let go of anything. My whole family is messed up always has been. and since my grandfather died (which hit her really hard.) our family has drifted apart, i rarely see my uncles and aunts anymore..he held everone together. and now that she doesnt have that (as much as she claimed she hated it) she has gotten worse. she doesnt talk to her mom. my older sis, or her brothers...except the jail bird who is always calling asking for money. the only one she talkes to is her older sis.
Well that was a lot...looking back through this it really doesnt make any sense but i'm going to post it anyway...if it helps clairfy anything my little sis is SWeeks. Hey there babe i finaly did it. Make any sense to you?
I dont have a lot of memories of my childhood. One of my earliest ones is of my mom and one of my Uncles, not sure which one...throwing a huge party. This would have been after my mom's divorce. I remember going downstairs and screaming at everyone to shut up because my little sister (who is 1 1/2 years younger) couldnt sleep. I dont remember being bothered by the fact that i couldn't sleep, just her... I couldnt have been more than 5 years old...
This was just the beggining of a lifetime of playing mom. I felt it was my duty, my job, whatever to take care of my little sis, wheather she liked it or not...(which later in life of course she did not..he he he)
The next set of memories I have is from about 3rd grade on till whenever. A period of time that i later found out my mother was sober for a few years. Those weren't so bad... Then the two next distict memories i have are from when i was 13 or 14. One is of my mom trying to take me, my little sis and my little bro, who was barley riding a bike at the time on a bike ride over the trails in northern CA. Disticly i remember my mom falling off her bike over and over. The other one was when our neighbors had their daughter's wedding in their backyard, and my mom got wasted. I had had enough and i walked out of the house after an argument with my mom that ended with something like "you promised!" and i was gone all night just walking around the neiborhood. Of couse my parents called the cops and it was not pretty when i got home.
dont get me wrong my childhood was not all bad, just most of my earliest memories are. I still love my mom, and she and i used to be really close, we always were...but now...i wont play her games. I wont let her tell me that she is the victim here. yes she is an alcoholic and yes alcoholism is a disease, but the whole idea is that you can stop if you want to. and she cannot get past the idea that, like i said before, she is the victim here. No matter how much support my dad gives her, no matter how much he sacrifices for her, she gets mad at him and it's always "you dont know what i've had to put up with. you dont know what i've gone through." when i know of NOTHING that can rival what my dad has suffered during his entire marraige to her.
then we moved and there would be times that i would smell alcohol on her and occassionaly i would ask her if she had been drinking, and of course she would say no and we would continue on like there was no problem. well from there she progessed. she engaged in some non violent criminal activity, which she claims not to blame anyone but herself, but that is not how she really feels, she lets it slip sometimes. nothing is ever her fault. sorry i'm getting off topic. my mom has a lot more wrong with her than just the alcoholism.
so finally a month and a half before my little sister's wedding my mom binged for 3days. and then tolf the family about her criminal activity and finally admitted to being an alcoholic. unknown to me she had been in in paitient trreatment several times before. but in anycase she enrolled herself into a facility upstate. She wont admit it but i think it had more to do with the fear of going to jail than her desire for help.
she got out of the facility early, because she is to goddamn smart for her own good and convinced them that she would be ok. she was drinking a few days later.
:yell: and from there it has escalated. car accidents, her disappearing anywhere from a few hours to a few days. detox on numerous occassions. threats to kill herself. overdoseing on sleeping pills. and probably a lot more i dont even know about. i left the house at 17 and joined the army. at the time i told myself that it was because i would waste my parents money if i went to school, and i needed a break. but now i think it was a quick way out... I'm glad I did it though. I met my husband of 5 1/2 years, and my daughter is now 9 months old. But i fear she will never know her grandmother...i live in constant fear that i will never see my mom again because she will be dead before i can make another trip home.
My father, brother and sister bear the brunt of my mother actions. All I can do is sit up here and wish that i could do something. I cant help but think that if i hadn't left i could've made a difference. when she went into inpatient i flew home to go to the family meetings. of course my presence did no good. My sister has gotten to the point where she is thinking about having a child of her own, but is scared because they say alcoholism is hereditary.
I have lost my best friend, the mother i used to talk to on a daily basis i now talke to once a week or less. she doesn't want to talk to me because i no longer let her talk bad about my dad and claim that everything is his fault. she wont let anyone say that anything is her fault at all. she freaks out and accuses you of whatever and says the same old stuff "you dont know what i went through" What i try to tell her is "you dont know what we are all GOING through right now. not past the Present." She cant let go of anything. My whole family is messed up always has been. and since my grandfather died (which hit her really hard.) our family has drifted apart, i rarely see my uncles and aunts anymore..he held everone together. and now that she doesnt have that (as much as she claimed she hated it) she has gotten worse. she doesnt talk to her mom. my older sis, or her brothers...except the jail bird who is always calling asking for money. the only one she talkes to is her older sis.
Well that was a lot...looking back through this it really doesnt make any sense but i'm going to post it anyway...if it helps clairfy anything my little sis is SWeeks. Hey there babe i finaly did it. Make any sense to you?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
Hi Hopeless,
First welcome to SR. There are alot of good people here with a whole lot of wisdom. I wish I had some good advice for you. It seems like the best thing you did for yourself is move away and make a life for yourself. You cannot do anything for your mother only she can do for herself , she has to make the choice and she has to want it. You can only consentrat on yourself and pray that one day your mother turns her life around. I wish there was something we all could do to help our loved ones but there isnt comming here has really helped me. Keep coming reading and posting. If you can find an alanon meeting to attend I have heard it really helps right now I am trying to figure out a way to go myself. Good luck and prayers to you and your family
First welcome to SR. There are alot of good people here with a whole lot of wisdom. I wish I had some good advice for you. It seems like the best thing you did for yourself is move away and make a life for yourself. You cannot do anything for your mother only she can do for herself , she has to make the choice and she has to want it. You can only consentrat on yourself and pray that one day your mother turns her life around. I wish there was something we all could do to help our loved ones but there isnt comming here has really helped me. Keep coming reading and posting. If you can find an alanon meeting to attend I have heard it really helps right now I am trying to figure out a way to go myself. Good luck and prayers to you and your family
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Welcome Hopeless !
You'll find that there is hope. My A is my husband. I thought that the only options I had were to abandon him and feel guilty and miserable or to keep living this life that was killing me.
Here, I found there is another option. I hope you stick around and read and post. It will help you. There is so much strength and wisdom and experience. You're not alone.
I'm glad you're here.
L
You'll find that there is hope. My A is my husband. I thought that the only options I had were to abandon him and feel guilty and miserable or to keep living this life that was killing me.
Here, I found there is another option. I hope you stick around and read and post. It will help you. There is so much strength and wisdom and experience. You're not alone.
I'm glad you're here.
L
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey Hopeless..
Welcome to Sober Recovery...
My oldest sister was the one who nudged me into the program as well...
She dangled a shred of truth in front of me from the principles of the Al-anon program...
I've been hoplessly addicted to getting well ever since... ;o)
I know it's been a long hard road for you... it's been a long hard one for your Mom as well...
We're all suffering from the disease of Co-dependancy... addict and controller alike... and until I understood the dynamics of this ... I continued to waste my energy thinking that I would feel better when everyone/someone else got their sh*t together...
I know today that the addict... and the person that tries to control them... are on the same plane of dysfunction... same level ... manifested differently.
Well.. actually we can't.
Just like you can't stop thinking about your Mom and caretaking her.
Good place to start in trying to understand Co-dependancy.
Your mother is killing herself because she is stuck in coping skills she learned in childhood.. just like your in pain cause your still using skills you learned in childhood to cope.
Neither behavior is better or worse than the other...
Welcome to Sober Recovery...
My oldest sister was the one who nudged me into the program as well...
She dangled a shred of truth in front of me from the principles of the Al-anon program...
I've been hoplessly addicted to getting well ever since... ;o)
I know it's been a long hard road for you... it's been a long hard one for your Mom as well...
We're all suffering from the disease of Co-dependancy... addict and controller alike... and until I understood the dynamics of this ... I continued to waste my energy thinking that I would feel better when everyone/someone else got their sh*t together...
I know today that the addict... and the person that tries to control them... are on the same plane of dysfunction... same level ... manifested differently.
but the whole idea is that you can stop if you want to.
Well.. actually we can't.
Just like you can't stop thinking about your Mom and caretaking her.
My whole family is messed up always has been.
Your mother is killing herself because she is stuck in coping skills she learned in childhood.. just like your in pain cause your still using skills you learned in childhood to cope.
Neither behavior is better or worse than the other...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 184
but the whole idea is that you can stop if you want to.
Well.. actually we can't. Just like you can't stop thinking about your Mom and caretaking her.
Lorelai said: "Here, I found there is another option." The other option is to detach with love. I love mom but I can't have her at my house any more untill I KNOW she is sober. I'm happy to pick her up and take her to AA. The reason I can't let her in my house is that I can't tell when she's been drinking (I know it sounds crazy...but I really can't) I know that she's still been drinking at home, even while going to AA every night.
So there it is....I love her but I can't let it consume my whole life. I didn't cause it, I can't change it and I have to cope with it. As I've learned here the only way for me to cope is to set my boundaries and stick to them. I know it sounds really harsh but....it's how it has to be and hope someday mom will see that and forgive me. But for now I can't be calling and apologizing and taking it back because that will be me giving in to my addiction just like mom picking up that vodka.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
hope someday mom will see that and forgive me
sweeks -
Maybe someday she will see that and thank you. There are no guarantees. Even if she doesn't ever see it, you can take comfort in knowing that you are doing the right thing.
There is nothing to forgive you for. You are doing the right thing for everybody involved.
L
sweeks -
Maybe someday she will see that and thank you. There are no guarantees. Even if she doesn't ever see it, you can take comfort in knowing that you are doing the right thing.
There is nothing to forgive you for. You are doing the right thing for everybody involved.
L
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey Hopeless,
Glad you could join our family. Your sis has been a great addition, and I'm sure you will be too. I do understand the craziness of living in an alcoholic family. What appears to everyone to be normal is a mask and inside it's a funny farm.
I have adopted a new family, since my family is dysfunctional and not capable of being what I need. I have my cyber family here, and a wonderful Al-Anon family too. It has been very fulfilling to me. I have been able to forgive my family for what they couldn't give me, because I get what I need from people who are capable of it.
I hope that reaching out here is a help to you. I know it has been for me. Hugs, Magic
Glad you could join our family. Your sis has been a great addition, and I'm sure you will be too. I do understand the craziness of living in an alcoholic family. What appears to everyone to be normal is a mask and inside it's a funny farm.
I have adopted a new family, since my family is dysfunctional and not capable of being what I need. I have my cyber family here, and a wonderful Al-Anon family too. It has been very fulfilling to me. I have been able to forgive my family for what they couldn't give me, because I get what I need from people who are capable of it.
I hope that reaching out here is a help to you. I know it has been for me. Hugs, Magic
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