AtticusFinch

I believe my girlfriend was sexually assaulted several times a few years ago and is blaming herself and not dealing with it. She had a drinking problem at the time stemming from severe depression (she was also cutting) and would regularly drink to the point of blacking out and having no idea what was going on. During several of these episodes, she slept with members of her social circle. She calls it a "**** phase", but I think there's more to it than that. She says she never showed up at a party with the intention of sleeping with someone. She was black out, incoherent drunk during these encounters, and would have no recollection of how they happened . This is key: she says she gained a reputation as the girl at parties "you could get drunk and try to get with". This leads me to believe she got taken advantage of once or twice, word got around, and other guys targeted her for her reputation and consistent levels of extreme intoxication. Have you ever seen anyone/any situation like this? I've read that 90% of sexual assault in my state is perpetrated by people the victim knows, and that targets are sometime chosen based on the criteria I just mentioned. Lastly, when I tried to broach the idea that perhaps she was actually sexually assaulted, she immediately shut down the conversation and almost began to cry. I just want her to stop blaming herself and deal with this baggage. Clearly, she shouldn't have kept drinking to those levels and making herself vulnerable, but that is no excuse to take advantage of her. I guess I'd like to know if there is any advice you have as to any way I can help her. I suppose this is based on the fundamental assumption it is unhealthy for her to blame herself, not talk about it, and try to forget it. Am I wrong? To be clear, she no longer drinks like this, and her depression is being managed. I'm just trying to figure if there's anything I can do to help her, or if perhaps I should just leave it be, I don't badger her about it by any means, I just want her to be free from the guilt as I care about her. If you feel it was her fault or she was just being plain old promiscuous, feel free to say so. It's hard for me to say. I am a recovering alcoholic but I handled my liquor very well. I can honestly say I've never been blackout drunk or too drunk to know what's going on. So it's difficult for me to find perspective on this matter. I've seen her very drunk (but still somewhat cognizant) and she was a wreck. I'd hate to see what she was like during these encounters. Thanks ahead of time for any insight you can provide.

LexieCat

Hi, and thanks for caring so much about your friend.

Yes, there's a good chance she WAS sexually assaulted. I work in the field of violence against women and we provide trainings for police, prosecutors, advocates, campus authorities, etc., on drug- and alcohol-facilitated rape. It's a real thing, and being drunk or high is not an invitation to be victimized.

I'd suggest telling your friend that IF those things happened to her, it isn't her fault, that you love her and don't want her blaming herself. You can offer to help her access resources that can help her to deal with it, even without making any kind of "official" report. Many times the perpetrators of these crimes do it over and over again. It will be too late to collect any forensic evidence at this point, but victims are generally given the option of having a "rape kit" done and having it held unless and until they want to make a formal report. Sometimes doing that can help to catch some of those serial rapists who do it over and over again.

If she really doesn't want to talk about it--with you or anyone else--I'd respect that and just let her know that if she ever changes her mind you are there to support her.

jjj111

IDK, I might end up being out of step with others' reactions to this, but it sounds like she already shut down the conversation and didn't want to talk about it. It sounds like you really care about her and have the best intentions, but this might be something she has to seek help for because she wants to and not because you want her to.

immri

I agree not to push the issue, but just let her know again you're there if she needs, and you'll help her find some more support should she ever decide she wants it, and that if you do have talk about it, that it wasn't her fault (no need to say she shouldn't have got that drunk even in a 'but it's still no excuse' way, just leave it out of the conversation if there is one. I garuntee she knows that to be true and is ashamed if it already)
I've been in almost the exact situation as her from what you've described, reputation and black outs and all, and that's what I would want someone to say to me.

AtticusFinch

Just to clarify, you do feel like you were taken advantage of, or not?

jjj111

AF, I'm wondering what the question you've asked in your subject line about whether she was raped means to you? Would your feelings about your girlfriend change depending on whether she was forced to have sex while drunk or whether she went through a period where she sought out booze and sex and was not forced to do anything? She has made it clear that she doesn't want to answer this question right now, so your fixation on answering it might say something about how you are feeling about this relationship. Do you feel comfortable staying with her if she wants you to drop the subject? Just as in any other kind of relationship, whether with an alcoholic or whatever, I think it's important to try to accept the person for who they are right now, and right now it sounds like she doesn't want to discuss this.

jjj111

I must admit that I find this thread triggering. I came back to delete my post but too late. I will use the handy ignore feature and stay out of it. Wishing peace to all!

minime13

Certainly she could have been taken advantage of, especially if she got a reputation from this. That's the saddest part of the double standard with men and women - she may have had a few promiscuous moments here and there, but once word got out (what a great group of friends, by the way), I'm sure there were times that she was taken advantage of, and possibly sexually assaulted.

Either way, I think you should let it be unless she wants to discuss it again. That's a dangerous boundary to dance around between willingly engaging but being too drunk to remember, and being intoxicated to the point of not being able to consent, and it's a risky thing to put in someone's head if they didn't bring it up. She already feels guilt about it, and that suggestion may have opened up a whole new can of worms regardless of what happened.

If she brings it up again, just listen to her. If it sounds like she needs to dig deeper and talk more about it, perhaps the suggestion for counseling can be approached. Whatever the case, just be supportive.

theuncertainty

Hi, AtticusFinch. I'm so sorry for what your GF has been through. I think it's a good sign that you're reaching out for support. I was r*d by my now AXH (alcoholic ex-husband); I can say it would take a _lot_ of courage for her to discuss it. While pushing her to talk about it would be a very bad idea, approaching it in a manner similar to what Lexie mentioned, wouldn't be pushy. Approaching it that way would also help to reassure her that you don't see her any differently.

There are forums that she could join to talk about it in a safe environment, which also has the benefit of not being face-to-face if she's not ready for that. They usually have forums for secondary survivors (partners or friends and family of a survivor), too. I think its really important for you to get support, too, from others in a situation similar to yours. One that's helped me has been Pandora's Aquarium.

FWIW, as wonderfully supportive as SoberRecovery Friends and Family is, it's geared towards supporting people dealing with a friend's or family member's addiction, not secondary survivors of SA. And this has more to do with her as a SA survivor than as a recovering alcoholic.

Wishing you continued strength, and thank you for reaching out for support for her.

Florence

Sexual assault is something that needs to be managed in counseling with a qualified professional. I was not able to reconcile my sexual assault and the fallout I experienced from it in my life until after years of counseling. There was nothing any boyfriend was able to tell me that made it better, and lots of folks who pressed me to feel one way or another about it that was very unhelpful.

It wasn't her fault, whether or not she was drunk. If she was raped, it was because she was vulnerable in proximity to a rapist.

honeypig

I just want to second the recommendation from theuncertainty for Pandora's Aquarium. I found a lot of help there a number of years ago when I was first beginning to deal w/my own SA issues. Wonderful people, quality forum, at least at that time.

Wishing healing for you and your GF.

velma929

This sort of thing probably happens more than any of us know. A woman (or man) who has passed out or is functioning in a blackout state can be taken advantage of, and not remember. In some cases, the person committing the assault is drunk as well. That's not an excuse, just a sad fact. He or she may make different decisions sober.

IIRC, the victim in this case wasn't aware of her assault until she heard others talking about it. I think an activist screen shotted the online comments before the cretins circulating them realized how stupid they were being and took them down. Her actions helped to convict the boys.

Two Steubenville football players found guilty of raping teenage girl at party | US news | The Guardian