FallenStar2015

I'm struggling today. Been apart from my XABF for 5 weeks now. I posted some time ago about our relationship and how he has struggled with his sobriety. He's still finding things tough, and drinking from time to time, although still in and out of AA as and when he feels able to. (Obviously not committed to recovery though!) He's not sure about sobriety as a way forward, and has cut me out believing he can't give me what i want - stability, care, love etc. He has asked for space.

However, he's contacting me one way or another every day - emailing, texting, posting things on facebook that only I would understand. I'm going to al anon every week and trying to fix myself, looking at my own co-d issues and how to detatch. I'm finding things hard today though - I miss him, I desparately want just to see him and talk to him. Everything I've read and learnt shows me I need to leave him to it to work through his issue and leave me to work through mine. Things are not getting easier though, I miss him desperately.

I know there is no answer, just time and building some self worth. But Im having a wobble. I'm so glad I can just put that out there with you folks without judgement and ask for support.

jjj111

Must be hard to move on while still hearing from him every day! Have you considered finding ways to minimize or cut contact?

FireSprite

Your post reminds me of the infamous "Chicken" thread on this board. That "go-away... wait, come-back" push & pull is classic manipulation that keeps you engaged & on the line. Have you read that thread? It's part of the sticky threads under "Classic Reading":

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html

Kboys

(((fallenstar)))

It is SO hard! You are strong and you can do this... one day at a time.

I second what jjj said... Can you block his facebook? Block his number on your phone?

theuncertainty

Do you believe/understand that he's not able to give you what you need? I only ask because AXH used to tell me that while we were still together and I didn't believe him. I simply tried even harder to help him understand that he could be capable of providing that. I ended up completely miserable because I refused to understand that while there was the _potential_ that he’d be able to provide what I needed from a relationship, he _wasn’t_ actually able to do so, because he wasn’t going to stop drinking. It took a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that potential isn’t the same thing as being able to do something now.

AnvilheadII

he's contacting me one way or another every day

imagine if he could be that consistent with not picking up a drink each day. sadly his focus is in the wrong place and until he CHANGES that, he will continue to get the same half assed results with sobriety. funny HE asks for SPACE and then invades yours DAILY.

it's the ole "Come Here, Go Away" game. just make sure you don't PLAY.

NYCDoglvr

I wouldn't take it personally: alcoholics try to hang on to enablers. It's up to you........continue on this pointless path or cut off all contact.

involved

I am sorry you are struggleing today. I have also been disconecting from my alcoholic. Had to really get dragged down to finally see that I needed to make some hard decisions to end the relationship and to take care of myself! Maybe read, pray, meditate on the topic of decisions in your daily alanon readers...also like everyone says reduce contact with him. We are as addicted to them as they are to the alcohol. Believe him when he says he cant give you what you need...it may be one of the most truethful thing he says to you...as long as he is active he is not able to be the man you deserve. I know how much it hurts...I am right there with you sistah...

FallenStar2015

Thanks everyone... I know the "right" answer is to cut him off, it's just so hard when you love someone to actually make that decision. I can see my enabling behaviour so clearly and I'm trying to adjust my thinking and my reactions to protect myself and start taking care of number 1. Maybe soon I will get to the point where I can completely cut myself off and make the right decision for me. I'm just not there yet... One day at a time!

LexieCat

I'm a recovered alcoholic. Subjecting yourself to these constant communications from him is like an alcoholic hoping to get sober while drinking "just a little bit" every day. It doesn't work. You don't get a chance to heal because you're feeding YOUR addiction a little bit every time you get an email, a FB post, a text.

You don't have to cut yourself off forever, but how about giving yourself a breather, during which you can both do whatever you need to do for your respective recoveries. Honestly, his continuing to drink isn't recovery at all, but the fact that he's still hovering around AA is a sign he MIGHT be working his way to it.

Take a break. Tell him you need some space, too (he's already told YOU that), and give it a few months focusing strictly on yourself and not on what he's doing/not doing. My first husband actually got sober during a break like that, and 35 years later he's still sober. Of course, there is no guarantee that would happen, but sometimes drastically shaking up the dynamic leaves the alcoholic alone with his/her problem and the realization that there is some personal lifesaving to be done.