Dig68

First post. Looking for advice.
I have been married to my husband 23 years. Have been on the rollercoaster with him for 15. Last 3 have been bad. Told him 1 year ago that when our son was done with high school, if he didn't get help we were done. That time has past. After the Grad Party he really pushed the drinking. Was having 12-15 beers a day. Got in a big fight the one night and asked him to leave. He started punching the dresser, throwing stuff and was in my face. He was yelling it was his house, etc, so I left and told kids to wait for us to go home until he was sleeping. Next day he left and has been gone for 3 weeks. Drank the first couple days and then did an AA meeting. Has gone to about 3. Also went to see a counselor who said since he was able to stop he really isn't an alcoholic. Now ball is back in my court since he quit. Do I let him come back? Give him ANOTHER chance? Not sure I am ready. I still haven't gotten over the anger of what he has put us through. I think I am the one who needs counseling? Afraid to tell him come home because I feel he is doing what he has to in order to come home because now his life is unhappy. Was I wrong thinking he was an alcoholic? He hid beers everywhere. Drank by himself. Empties all over the place. Lied to me constantly about how much he drank. We can't keep living separately financially. I feel pressured to try again but am so much more calm with him gone. What have others done in my situation?

LexieCat

He sure sounds like an alcoholic to ME. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics and am almost seven years sober, myself, and non-alcoholics don't drink the way he does (hiding, etc.). I was able to "control" my drinking for discrete periods of time when it was in my interest to do so, but I couldn't do it reliably or over the long term.

Counseling and/or Al-Anon might be excellent for you, though. I don't think there is anything wrong with your perceptions of the situation, and I think you are wise to be leery about allowing him to come home. Sounds like you would be right back in it within a very short time.

He's out for now, and it's easier to say no to his coming home than to kick him out again. I'd also get some legal advice if I were you. Getting advice doesn't obligate you to do anything, but it will give you a realistic picture of your rights and responsibilities and your options.

Meantime, stick around here, keep reading and posting. There's a lot of collective wisdom floating around this place.

Refiner

Hi dig and welcome! First off no therapist worth his/her salt in alcoholism would say that. There is what's called binge drinking for A's, too. Also, who told you the therapist said that? Oh yeah... Hmmmmmmm. Stick around and read and share. You will learn lots! Do not let him back just yet unless you want him to really amp it up and force you to be the one to leave.

redatlanta

Also went to see a counselor who said since he was able to stop he really isn't an alcoholic. Said no counselor ever. Unless you heard that with your own ears I don't buy it. I'd say hubby is quacking.

He sounds like an alcoholic to me too. Advice - well i think you have answered the question yourself. Life is peaceful. 3 weeks isn't enough time and he needs to be in active recovery before you will even consider it. Of course since he isn't an alcoholic no need for that recovery program

Yeah, right-o. Hang back for a few more will be revealed. Alcoholics don't have to drink all the time, and can go surprisingly long periods without drinking. Its called "white knuckling" and its very unpleasant to be around.

Check into Al Anon in the meantime - I think it would benefit you tremendously.

PohsFriend

What do you call someone who made straight C's and D's and barely passed Medical School? ....Doctor.

Same for therapists. Some are great others suck.

If he is not an alcoholic I am shocked. ...A couple AA meetings does exactly squat if he is there for show. My wife explained that they kinda dismiss those folks who come in to get off the hotseat - she'll talk to them and give them literature but won't sponsor them.

Here's the thing... Alcoholism is a form of mental illness. Denial and lying are characteristics of the disease. I knew my wife was getting better when she stopped telling me she will never relapse. When she said "You know honey, I am sober today, I am working my program every day and I hope I am sober tomorrow because if I don't I will die and it scares me but I might relapse and probably will as soon as I think I'm safe from it". Then I asked her if we've come far enough that she thought she'd be able to tell me if she started drinking... "No baby, probably not... I'm sorry but if I went back to drinking I'd be terrified of you finding out and being ashamed and taking the booze away so i will probably look you in the eye and lie to your face but don't worry - I am a ****** liar and I can't hide it if I am drinking for very long".

That's what a recovering alcoholic sounds like after 3 YEARS without a drink. Those with 20 years sound similar if they are working AA every day.

I'll be candid and I'm kinda the resident optimist... I believe you can save a marriage and be happy with a RECOVERING alcoholic. Every alcoholic I know and I know tons through my wife and al-anon... they'd all smile sadly at his story and shake their head then tell you to get yourself to a meeting.

I ignored that last part for too long til I found out the hard way that anyone living in that situation is sick too but in different ways. I think just like an alcoholic but I don't have the 'allergy' so I quit when my wife had to quit and that did not bug me but not working on my own issues caught up to me eventually.

I'd strongly urge you to do a few al-anon meetings and a couple open AA meetings, they call them speaker meetings. My wife and I do an open (Alcoholics and non alcoholics welcome, closed is alcoholics only) meeting as a weekly date night which ensures neither of us can go a week without a meeting and we never have to butt in to one another's separate program.

How about you ask around to find a therapist who specializes in addiction and see if hubby will do a few sessions with them and you so the therapist can show you how silly you are for wondering if he's an alcoholic???

In your gut I'm going to take a wild guess that you know he'd get angry and yell if you suggested it right? he knows which buttons to push to make you shut down when you raise a valid complaint regarding his drinking? Bring it up and next thing you know the discussion is all about your flaws?

If so I'm either a very good guesser or it's a very common pattern once you hear 100 alcoholics and their partners talk about life before recovery.... and I suck at guessing :-(

One of my favorite cliches you hear around here is "Don't just do something, stand there!" It's good advice. Financial considerations are legit but surely he has a friend he can stay with for a little bit? Family member?

Hey my wife came up with 50 reasons I should let her come home the week I had to make her leave and get help. She just came home after a month away from me because she needed to see me start getting well- I'm not an alcoholic, I 'm just nuts from bottling up all the stuff that used to make her drink ;-)

I'm also a very very gifted debater and manipulator and can sell ice to eskimos in January and she bought precisely none of my ******** until she saw what she needed to and she knew it when she saw it because she's lived it and she loves me enough that she was not going to take a chance on letting things get to where she didn't.

Ouch. Yes it sucks to be apart. Don't make it about 'punishment' make it about healing and getting well, for both of you. If you love him and are very worried then say that, no sense fighting and yelling as that just escalates but trust your gut, it knows when he is bullshitting you and you probably would not be here if you thought his story was accurate???

Sorry you had to look for this place but thankful that you found it. Take a deep breath, ask questions, vent frustrations and give yourself a break. As bad as things seem to you right now you may not yet see that something very big has happened - the problem is out on the table now where it can be dealt with before too much harm has been done. He's alive, you still care.... that's not a bad place to start.

We hope you will stay around and hope it helps you find some answers

AnvilheadII

three weeks is not nearly enough demonstrable PROOF that he is serious, not every so many years of abuse. people who get kicked out of their homes for out of control drinking and extremely bad behavior HAVE problems with alcohol. normal drinkers don't hide their stash NOR the empties.

take this time to have some peace and quiet and get yourself some therapeutic help. don't buy what ever he SAYS. i imagine with the decrease in $$ going for booze, you'll be amazed how much healthier the bank balance is!!

if you want to know how serious he is, observe his actions. if he keeps pressuring to come home, say NO, then observe how he reacts. if he truly cares for his family he would do EVERYTHING in his power to get this fixed.

Dig68

Thanks everyone. You all make a lot of sense. I truly believe he buffaloed the counselor. I think he only told part of the story. Still don't think he can admit he has a real problem. Still tells me he hasn't been drinking and wants to only have a couple beers if we go out or at the end of his day. Says it was all out of habit and got outta hand.
After he left I started letting people know he was gone and why. Not going out of the way to tell, but I am not going to lie if someone asks. Everyone was shocked but supportive. He is staying with one of his brothers but took his time telling the rest of HIS family. None of them really have called him or discussed what he is doing about it or asked how he is doing. I am sure none of them got the whole story either. He just said he told them he was drinking too much and I needed to be away from it.
I pretty much know I am not ready to have him home. I know I should go to some meetings myself but am still pissed I have to. I am trying to get to that point but feel it is embarrassing and inconvenient, and demoralizing. I guess I would like to see this work but am not going to settle for just OK. I want my life to be happy again and not revolve around his drinking every stinking day. I think he is an alcoholic. He might not ever miss work and I know there are worse, but our life hasn't been pretty.

LexieCat

Al-Anon isn't a price you have to pay for having been involved with an alcoholic, it's a way to treat yourself well--to be good to yourself after dealing with the insanity of active alcoholism. I think you'd be very surprised how NOT "embarrassing, inconvenient, and demoralizing" it is. I found it a huge relief to be able to unload with people who GOT what I was going through without having to explain everything. I think it's worth a shot.

Dig68

Thanks Lexie. Working up the courage.

PohsFriend

Amen Sister!

I wasn't ready for it til I was ready for it. I did not want to acknowledge the fact that I needed it regardless of what my wife did or did not do and one danger of dealing with Alcoholism in a loved one is that it is a misunderstood and somewhat stigmatized condition. We tend to isolate ourselves and not discuss it because most folks would not understand. That's a big mistake - glad to hear the OP is not going out of her way to announce it but not hiding it either. When I was finally ready to go to al-anon it was the one thing that helped me get the wheels back on. Had I been humble enough to recognize that I am human and can't do everything on my own much sooner the wheels would not have come off.

Best quote I heard about AA was from a 20 year sober school board president. She said "I don't do AA to keep from drinking silly, I do AA to keep myself sane, sane people don't need to numb themselves with alcohol". I numbed myself with denial and the belief that I could solve any problem if I worked hard enough. oooopsies. LOL

guava

I'd 'attended' Alanon phone bridge meetings for several months but if I'm honest I really dreaded going to my first three face-to-face Alanon meetings. I had to force myself to go. I sure am glad I stuck with though because it suddenly all clicked and I was actually looking forward to that fourth Thursday night meeting. Pretty quickly you aren't the new person in the room and you've made some friends that understand the craziness that is your life. It can be very helpful, empowering and calming to be in a roomful of people who identify with what you are going through.

I hope you work up that courage and I hope it helps you like it has me.

redatlanta

Yeah I wasn't real thrilled about going to Al Anon either. I felt the same as you that RAH was the alcoholic and not me so why in the world would I go?

However, I became desperate when nothing else was working, and I was watching my husband continue down the path of relapse a ticking time bomb as he has physical illness associated with alcoholism. Odds were we would be looking at a serious hospitalization or death if he didn't stop. So I went looking for a way to make him quit. What I found was I needed help myself.

You don't have to speak in meetings if you don't want to. Its nice to find people who can identify with your issues because those who don't understand alcoholism, or have never lived with an alcoholic don't get it (God bless em).

dandylion

Dig68......I am reminded of the woman who got hit by a car and got a broken leg.
When the ambulance arrived, the medics prepared to transport her to the hospital to fix her leg.
NO! said the lady....I'm not going to the hospital. HE broke my leg...let HIM go to the hospital!!!!!!!!!!!

dandy;ion

Dig68

Well, I went to a meeting. Didn't really get much out of it. They were doing the steps and way advanced for where I am right now. 4 or 5 people did most of the talking and mostly about their kids on drugs.

LexieCat

Try another meeting. Al-Anon IS about the Steps, but many meetings also have lots of discussion. Different meetings have different formats, and even the best groups have a meeting that feels "off" now and then.

It also helps to pick up one or more of the Al-Anon books, which will help you feel less "lost" when people are talking about the Steps and the program.

Good for you for going!

minime13

You may want to ask around about a different meeting for people at your level and experience with alanon meetings, or give it a few more tries.

However, group meetings are not a one size fits all type of help. Some people may prefer individual counseling, and that's an option you can check into, as well.

Do what fits best for you.

maia1234

Dig, you have to give it a few more tries. I am sure your husband said the same thing for the AA meeting, "didn't get much out of it, way advanced for where i am." They say try 6 different meetings, after that, if it doesn't click you can try something different.
Alanon says, it works when YOU work it!! Hugs my friend!!!

Dig68

I am going to try a different one. I mean I did see where it could be helpful. I did feel lost but I am going to read the pamphlets and keep at it. Sat there and maybe didn't relate but felt something. Thanks.

PohsFriend

We say do at least 6 meeting as close together as possible. I did 3-4 then quit, 4 years later when I came back I was in much worse shape. Some meetings don't do much for me, others alter my entire world... try 6 and see different formats and people before any conclusions ;-) Hang in there.

Liveitwell

I think I may do celebrate recovery-they have a good group here in town with childcare (score!) - I did alanon many times and while I did absolutely learn and grow, it at the time wasn't the best fit. However, I can see how much I've changed so maybe going and trying it again would be a good idea. I've heard really good things about celevrate recovery-check it out too as an alternative.