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I dont want to go home

Old 08-30-2004, 12:28 PM
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Gracey
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I dont want to go home

My AH calls me just now…….he tells me that I have half eaten cucumbers all of the backyard……and there is a new hole dug in the backyard…..and then he tells me are you ever going to take the library books back to the library…….

My heart just sank, my blood pressure rose and I am having a flood of feelings……I feel like a little kid and I am in trouble for doing something wrong…….I am tired of being scared of what he might say to me…….I am tired of avoiding an argument and making lightly of everything so I don’t get upset so it don’t turn into an argument……If I tell him how I feel…….he will say to me what is wrong now…..be sarcastic and say everything is alright……….

I don’t want to go home…………..I am feeling to sensitive today and I don’t want to tolerate his constant complaining……
 
Old 08-30-2004, 12:34 PM
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bree - been in those shoes - can you go do something for you for a while and then go home - at least you might feel better.

i feel for you my sister. many hugs to you!

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Old 08-30-2004, 12:52 PM
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....... and his point for calling you at work to tell you this was what? Christ, what an idiot!

Did your dog dig the hole?
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Old 08-30-2004, 12:53 PM
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I guess my next question would be ....... does he live there too? Can he clean up the yard? Can he return the books to the library? He does drive doesn't he?
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Old 08-30-2004, 01:05 PM
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I am assuming that yes, my puppy ate the cucumbers and dug the hole.......It was probably one cucumber and a very tiny little hole, because I dont leave him alone....he does live there too. but it is my dog..........and i am the one that took the books out of the library......he does drive........but this is all my stuff.....
 
Old 08-30-2004, 01:13 PM
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OK, so your stuff is your responsibility and his stuff is your responsibility too? Christ, you are married, can't he help you out a little? Can't he clean up the yard? If your dog is a puppy he should not be outside unsupervised anyway, so on that one I'll say you were wrong.
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Old 08-30-2004, 01:16 PM
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he is six months old now.......cute as ever........he was in a fenced in back yard for his morning thing.........lol.......he just loves cucumbers I found that out over the weekend.......so he might have did his thing and it took 30 seconds and took the rest of the nine minutes to get his morning treat........lol


They are my cucumbers and tomatoes.......my AH doesnt even eat either one......
 
Old 08-30-2004, 01:19 PM
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Think about this a minute Breec -

He calls you and tells you there's a hole in the yard and that you haven't taken the books back. He acts like it is your fault and that you've done something wrong. You get upset. Around and around and around we go.

Now, you know that it's not your fault - right? You didn't dig the hole in the yard - right? So why are you upset? Because he says it's your fault?

I think that, somewhere deep inside, you really think it's your fault. Otherwise, why would what he saying bother you?

I know this because I was the same way. Everything was my fault. If my daughter was in a bad mood, I had to fix it. It would drive me crazy if I couldn't get her in a happy mood. It was like I was responsible for making everyone's life perfect.

WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trust me, Breec. Once you understand that you have no control over the world and that things happen that don't have anything to do with you, what he saying to you won't bother you anymore. He's saying it because he knows your weakness. He knows that you'll latch onto responsbility for everything and that he can keep you sick that way. And as long as you stay sick, he has company.

The dog ate the cucumbers - Good, I won't have to feed it dinner.
There's a hole in the back yard - Good, I was planning to plant a shrub anyway.
The library books aren't taken back - Good, I can get out of the house tonight and take them back and stop by the park on the way back.

None of what he is saying had anything to do with you. None of it.
Hugs - L
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Old 08-30-2004, 01:21 PM
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breec,
How important is any of those things in the scheme of things. Is the earth going to end because the dog made a mess, or the books didn't get returned. You are hard on yourself and he knows what buttons to push. Give yourself a break and realize that everything is ok. You are ok. You haven't done anything earth shattering or bad. When you get home, you will take care of what needs to be done there. He didn't need to call you at work to tell you about something that you couldn't do anything about. That was manipulative. It's a game. It has nothing to do with the dog or the books. It has to do with controlling you.
Ask yourself "How Important is It?" Then say "Let go and Let God." Then go home and hear "Quack Quack Quack." Don't let this bring you down. You didn't do anything wrong. Hugs, Magic
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Old 08-30-2004, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Lorelai
Think about this a minute Breec -

The dog ate the cucumbers - Good, I won't have to feed it dinner.
There's a hole in the back yard - Good, I was planning to plant a shrub anyway.
The library books aren't taken back - Good, I can get out of the house tonight and take them back and stop by the park on the way back.

None of what he is saying had anything to do with you. None of it.
Hugs - L

You are right L........I am laughing out loud at work......thank you for that.......
 
Old 08-30-2004, 01:38 PM
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I know that feeling all too well Breec3. I always try to be the peace-maker in my own home. Tell my 4 year old daughter not play too loudly. Try not to say anything to him that he might mistakenly take as the start of an argument.

Be true to yourself here.....maybe not going home today might actually be an eye-opener for him. Go to someone else's house tonight...let him worry about you for once. (Maybe that's not great advice either will he come looking for you?)

Either way, this is the time to start thinking about you. You shouldn't have to live your life second-guessing everything that comes out of your mouth because he might misinterpret what you say.

Hang in there!
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Old 08-30-2004, 03:40 PM
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Breec -

As long as you let him continue to push your buttons he will continue to manipulate you. Personally, I think you should send him on a trip into the wilderness without a compass and hope that he won't find his way back!!!! Oh, if it were only that easy!

Try to remember that his trivial little complaints are his problem. You have done nothing wrong. If you don't react to his crap, maybe he will learn that his games don't work and give up.

Hugs, Jo
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Old 08-30-2004, 03:52 PM
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Bree, dunno if this is good news or bad news, but your AH probably does not react like this just because he is an addict. I had been w/my H for 20 years and he is not an alcoholic, he is not a drug addict. However, he is a prime example of the kind of man you've posted about. I get phone calls at work about stuff I couldn't do a darn thing about until I got home. I got phone calls at work asking me to do stuff he very well could do for himself. I walked on eggshells for all those years until I decided I just wasn't going to do it any more. He woke up, too little too late though.

My guess is that you found SR because of AH. I'm not trying to burst any kind of bubble of your hopes and dreams that things change because of found sobriety. Behaviorial changes need to take place, whether or not the "angry" and "unreasonable" person is an A.

I found SR because of my A, not my H. However, all I've learned here not only about addictions, but MY co-dependency, has been a great source of education and strength.

BTW, Lorelei's post made me laugh too...don't forget to NOT feed the puppy when you get home!
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Old 08-30-2004, 04:02 PM
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Breec,
I agree with cwohio, go do something for you. I had this same kind of situation happen to me a few weeks ago, I had an argument with my husband about him always being at the bar and never doing anything with us as a family. He called me when he was headed home to see what I made for dinner. I told him that his dinner would be on the table when he came home, that was about 9:00 pm....I then left and went to Wal-Mart, I never had so much fun in my life!!! I tried on this and I tried on that....I bought this and I bought that, I bought things that I didn't even need!! I read books, smelled candles, tasted samples.....tasted more samples, I stayed for as long as I could just doing nothing.....I even went to the toy isle and play with the video games! I finally left at about 2:00am and had about a 45 minute drive home, except I went the long way around and it took me 1 1/2 hours to get home....I LOVED IT!!! and when I got home, the bowl of dog food was still sitting on the table and my husband was passed out asleep. But boy did I have a well rested night about me night!! You should try it sometime.

God Bless You and hang in there!
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Old 08-31-2004, 06:13 AM
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Well, I did decide to keep myself busy lastnight till I had to go home and pick up my daugher for drivers training......I pretty much pulled in the driveway and tooted.....

When I arrived home finally I was happy to find that he was napping..........I wasnt happy Bree was with him.........I dont like it when she naps at 4:00 in the afternoon..............it throws my schedule off........when she sleeps till 7:00 how am I suppose to get her back down at 8:30 for school..........Oh, well I took advantage of the situation............I cut the grass, took the garbage out.....made the kids something to eat, washed the dishes, took Ashley to drivers ed and then picked her up.......he finally comes tumbling down the stairs around...........9:30...........graces me with his presence for about 10 minutes.........gives me the pictures that came in.....(he ordered me some apple pictures about one month ago) Which was nice......he stays downstairs long enough for me to open them.............I told him how much I appreciated that he thought of me, that was really kind of him......thank you..........and the next thing I knew he was back up the stairs.......didnt say goodnight, nothing boom thats it......So I said fine again........and I watched animal planet............slept on the couch........comet follows me everywhere I go and of course he wasnt crated lastnight...he was a good boy and just slept on the floor next to me............(he didnt get into trouble)

that whole expecting and hoping thing really gets you stuck sometimes................and throw a little resentment in there and WOW...............

I am fine this morning...........I am not going to answer the phone this morning at work........he calls me everyday at 9:30 during his break.............I am putting my phone on make busy...........he wants to catch up......or thank me for taking the garbage out........and cutting the grass...........but I am finding it hard to say your welcome nicely.......
 
Old 08-31-2004, 06:33 AM
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I'm glad you had a peaceful night and didn't have to deal with him.

Have a wonderful, peaceful day !
L
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Old 08-31-2004, 06:35 AM
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good for you breec! cwohio :35:
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Old 08-31-2004, 10:00 AM
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Because I didnt answer my phone at work at 9:30 this morning during his break when he called, he has called me 4 times......to which I have ignored everyone of them.......lol.........Does he not know that I actually work sometimes........lol.......Well he just called again and left a message for me to please call him.........WHAT IS THIS...
Okay fine, I called and his voice mail picked up........I did my duty.......now if he calls back i can ignore the phone call again........HELLO I AM AT WORK!!!!!!!! does he think I am not here......
I dont know if anyone remembers a post I posted a while back.........but I am not allowed to call him from 3:00 till I get home because he might be resting or paying bills or just unwinding from work.......If I do call him he gets very irritable on the phone he says (what do you want?) (Do you need something) (Is everything okay)....he says these very quickly and acts like something is wrong........then he will say (everything is alright) very sarcastically........It is not to be nice it is to be a jerk......he makes it well known that I shouldnt be calling him......and that I am bugging him.........

but if he wants something during those times......like yesterday.......(cucumber & dog issues) he will call me.........he does it just to make me crazy.......he wants me in a bad mood even before I leave work...........NOT TODAY
 
Old 08-31-2004, 10:11 AM
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Good for you breec3! You sound a bit happier today also. It's amazing how sticking to your guns can make you feel better (that and the dog actually behaving lol)

Oh and I was going to say about the digging. I saw this thing on animal planet once where this lady trained her dog not to dig in her yard by providing him a place where it was OK to dig. It was like a little sandbox off to one side. lol just an idea I'm a dog lover too. Woof!
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Old 08-31-2004, 10:30 AM
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Well, my puppy did take over my six year old sand box....I dont mind that at all.......but he is now venturing to other parts of my yard.........I read that same thing in my obdient training book........he is just a baby doing normal baby things........he will get better and the thing is it doesnt bother me at all...........................

the phone has rang 4 more different times............make that five times.........
 

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