Gracey

Well make that three more times..........I am so lucky this last time he left a message telling me how worried he is cause he hasnt heard from me all day.......and to call his cell phone.........I allready did that once.........I dont think i need to do that again......it was just 20 minutes ago.........I think and his caller id on the cell tells him where i am...........

Why so obsessed.........

ASpouse

Breec, I just have one question. You are writing all cocky and sure of yourself (which is not a bad thing believe me), but I am wondering if you can maintain this when you do get home? When he confronts you with not answering his calls can you calmly tell him "that you were working".

Remember, this is not a "tit for tat" thing you are playing, this is for your recovery, for you to feel good about yourself and not allow yourself to be manipulated by him, but by setting this boundary, are you willing to stick with it?

It is good that you feel good about this please don't read this wrong, but to me this reads as if you are trying to teach him a lesson and playing a game, sort of like winning the battle for today, but not doing what you need to do for you. I don't know, perhaps I am reading this all wrong.

By the way, I also train dogs part time and believe me when I tell you, the area the dog will explore gets bigger by "miles" the bigger they get and if the dog is not given boundaries and leadership now at this age, he will be uncontrollable in 6 months to a year. Get a new obedience book, the one you are using is garbage. You can private message me about the dog if you want.

brightlight

Oh my gosh does my husband sound like yours. He has a cell phone and when I call he has to get off right now. Other times he will not answer or when he does he sounds mad it is me, but when he wants to talk to me, I better be happy to talk. One day I came home from shopping and noticed that half a bottle of whiskey was gone and could not believe he drank that much in so short of a time and he was across the street at the bar drinking more. I called him and he said he was sorry and was coming home, but I told him not to because of the kids, but no he was coming home. I had a friend go pick him up till I got the kids out of the house. I called his cell phone from a pay phone and he wanted to know where I was. He would not calm down, so I was not going home. I called later and he was out driving after drinking that much and was looking for me. He said I was driving on such and such street and I said how could I be talking to you and driving up that steet, I do not have a cell phone!! LOL Later I went home and found the house phone out in the yard. He threw it there. There were a couple of messages on it and he was mad because I was not home. Next day I found out he had threw his cell phone out the window because he could not find me. He loves the power of being able to call or not call me, so I am getting a cell phone and not calling him. I also have been begging and pleading, threatening this guy to come home and not go to the bar, but yesterday he said to me that I could not make him do anything. I said you know you are right. I decided since my husband does not want to come home after work then I will not be here. We have two kids and I went to the bowling alley and joined a league. The kids can go. I practiced shooting pool and I am going to join the women's pool league. His big thing is pool when he is drinking. He had a fit when I told him all this. He wants me sitting and waiting and worrying about him. I told him I did this because when he did not drink he did not want to go anywhere or have friends and it has taken me several years to figure out he does not want to be here with us, so he is getting what he wants. I am going to sign up for whatever I can and the kids into programs like basketball or soccer. I am making friends and getting out and about. I have a job at home and I homeschool. I have been home and I do not have any friends. I am lifting weights and that is giving me something to work for and like sinnat who said she had fun at Walmart, that is what I do. I go to Walmart when he is out drinking and the kids and I try on clothes and they have a room with games and we play games. My husband has a jar that he puts change in every night when he gets home from the bar and when I am mad I dump that jar of change in my purse and head for Walmart. I put clothes in layaway. We have fun and when we come home we have packages or stories of what we did. He goes to bed and pouts. I used to be very independant and healthy, but gained 100 pounds with my daughter and never got it off. My husband is in for a shock. I am coloring my hair with highlights and getting it layered. I am losing weight and going to buy the kind of clothes I used to wear before the weight. I told him that I was going to practice shooting pool till I got good enough for the league and he said I needed somebody to teach me and I said I bet there will be a lot of people willing to teach me since my expert husband will not teach me. He said I bet there is too and got mad. Now he is hinting he will teach me how to shoot pool. We will see. I have power and I am going to start using it. I used to let him make all the decisions and never spend a dime on myself. Always worrying about his health or our future and saving money. We used to work together in our own business and spent all our time together. He had given up drinking for 7 years, but we gave up our business and he has a regular job and I stayed home with the kids. I am taking back my life. He has a good paying job, but I have one on the computer that pays pretty good and he does not like that I make money. I am also going to get some money left to me in a will and it was going to be OURS, but now it is going to be MINE! I used to say where are we going to live? What kind of house do YOU want to buy? We live in a place that is too small and need to move, but now I am going to pick it. All of this because he does not want to come home for supper and be with us like a normal human. He says he wants to drink one pitcher of beer each night and acts like it is normal. I said that is not normal, but it would be better than what you are doing. He cannot get home because he is drinking 2 pitchers of beer or more!!! I am going shopping for a cell phone tomorrow.

cwohio

yea again breec!!!!!!!!

sweeks - that sounds like a really great idea - their own place to dig! cool!

Gracey

I decided when I woke up this morning that I am not going to answer my husband calls at work anymore........most of the time it upsets me at work and I cant handle it......this is a boundary that I have set..........I feel good about it......I will tell him calmly when i get home that I am sorry i missed your call today at work.......I tried to call you back when I had the chance and that is when i got your voice mail was it important..........I admit.......I am chuckling inside.........due to the fact that he has never called me 10 times at work before because I didnt answer at 9:30........he is just freaking out.........I dont know why I think it is funny..........I am not trying to get back at him for anything......but after yesterdays phone message about the dog.....I have had it......I am not going to tell him that I set this boundary........I am just going to suggest very nicely to please only call my job for an emergency........

ASpouse

Good! ........ and you have every right to chuckle:-)

Aphrodite

Hi. I'm new to the site, but I can relate so much to everyone. I had a boyfriend who used to call me all the time at work. When the relationship was ending, he would come and sit outside the office and wait for me. He would cry and beg not to end it. I am so glad I got out of that one.

Now I am with a nice guy (years later), but I still have problems. We had a big blowup over everything. He want to still play all the time: spend all his money and buy toys. The problem is that he spends so much that he becomes broke and then leans on his parents and on me (although I offer to cook him dinner all the time because I want to see him). I don't mind "helping him out" ---> at least, I see it as helping him out ---> but then I get so mad. I am so mad now because he has a little money now and wants to go buy an ATV. I feel like he doesn't have any financial responsibility, like he just assumes everyone will take care of him, like he just doesn't appreciate his parents or me, like he is a little boy.

My friend in AA told me to try Alanon, so that is why I am here. She says I am trying to control him. I know she is right. I know his money is his business. Its my job to set the boundaries. Its my job to take care of myself. But I am freaking out about my own life right now, so its so easy to just point at him all the time.

I love him so much, but I am just so frustrated........I am not sure I can deal with someone who blows all his money all the time. What about saving to buy a house? Paying for kids? Maybe an egagement ring? If he is like this now, will he ever grow up?

cwohio

aphrodite - al-anon might not be a bad idea.

breec...or should i call your gracey - you threw me for a loop with the change. glad you stuck with your boundary!!

cwohio

Gracey

Well I have had five more calls since earlier..............I finally answer the phone and then the person hangs up.............could this just be a coincidence.........What the hell..........I dont know what game he is playing, but I am not buying into it..........I am not going to tell him that I know that the phone rang fifteen times.........he only left two messages........and I did return a call to him.......I am just going to go home very positive and tell him sorry I missed your call........I tried to return one so you wouldnt worry..........

cwohio

good luck - we'll hear from you tomorrow i hope!

you've made great strides, keep it up!

cwohio

skyleh

I am new here
but is this common with alcoholic spouses? My husband calls me all the time on my cell or desk phone and really gets upset if I dont' answer right away... even email too.

He also calls me at least 3 times an hour if I am out somewhere other than work...if he is out he calls me all the time too while I am at home and gets upset because I don't answer.

I get "its a mobile phone"..... I told him he could take the phone and shoove it because I really hate that phone. Its not like I go anywhere and its not like I am ever gone for very long when I do go somewhere and I usually have my son with me. Its almost as if it were up to him I would not do anything without him by my side.

skyleh

[QUOTE=Aphrodite]Hi. I'm new to the site, but I can relate so much to everyone. I had a boyfriend who used to call me all the time at work. When the relationship was ending, he would come and sit outside the office and wait for me. He would cry and beg not to end it. I am so glad I got out of that one.



This is what my husband is doing now..I have decided to leave because he doesn't even see his addiction problem...its all my problem and the emotional and verbal abuse that comes with it. But now that he sees I am serious this time he is crying in my office, on the phone...having panic attacks...tells me it would be easier if I just left sooner...of course when I was having problems dealing with his almost affair, sneaking alcohol and lying to me about drugs I was over-reacting and not worth the time of day.... he was too busy to find us counseling or talk to me about things. I guess the tables have turned.. .this truly is the first time he has taken me seriously. Sad.

Magichappens

Gracey,
I am proud of you. You are setting boundaries that are realistic. You are starting to handle things better. Keep it up. It gets easier. Hugs, Magic

Gracey

Just an update to let you know.......when I went home yesterday, and he asked me what the deal was.....and why didnt I answer the phone all day.........I told him that I was really busy at work........I told him I was away from my desk quite a bit......I said I only received two messages from you and I returned one and got your voice mail......(all the other times he called he just hung up and didnt leave a message) he admitted to calling me atleast twenty times.....he claims he was worried about me.........I told him that was nice he was worried about me.....I told him to look on his cell and he will see that I did try calling once......I also said I dont mind anyone calling me at work as long as it is an emergency and if something is wrong please dont hesitate to call......

ASpouse

.......... and what did he say to that? Did he call you today?

Lorelai

Wonder what he was worried about? You were at work, after all. I'm sure that if you had fallen off your chair or down the stairs, someone would have called him.

You could always make sure that your office manager has his cell phone number and let him know that so that he doesn't have to "worry" anymore.
L

Gracey

He just shrugged........I honestly dont think he gets it.......and yes of course he called today.....and to avoid 20 phone calls I answered the first one and said that I am really busy, I cant talk right now I will talk to you at HOME.......he hasnt called again today

ASpouse

Good for you! I'm sure he's thinking about this. Doesn't it feel good that this didn't turn into a confrontation? You were busy, could not get the phone, he stressed all day (instead of you) ..... feels good to turn the tables doesn't it sometimes? ::))

cwohio

gracey

glad you had a peaceful phone day - little steps are still steps!

hugs - cwohio