Somebodyswife

Just a little background since it has been a very long time since my last post, Married 35 years to AH; I moved out 3 years ago for 6 months first time to ever leave him, but believed the lies and went back home. Fast forward to now and still living in hell. AH has attended church with me twice (for the first time in our marriage) and says that God has forgave him and I should too!

So what does that mean? I should be "the good little wife" and pretend like I don't see how messed up you are everyday. Clean up after you and like it? I don't think God wants me to live like this!

AH knows that I am at the end of my rope with him. I've told him in plain English exactly what I need to make our marriage work and what I expect of him. And this is why he has used the Jesus card. So far he hasn't made the attempt to change so here I am again making plans to leave. This time I won't be coming back.

I just can't believe that AH would stoop this low. Thanks for listening to my vents this morning.

JoeinHouston

Sorry to hear about your husband's behavior. He doesn't deserve you. As for religion it is probably best kept out of personal relationships as things like faith and forgiveness and beliefs are not quantifiable. The only card you husband is allowed to play is the one where he demonstrates that he has changed by actions and deeds over a considerable length of time.

atalose

Sadly you are witnessing firsthand the manipulation that is often used by the A. First he manipulated you into coming back home so you could clean up after him.

Now he is attempting to manipulate you by using your religion.
I’m never happy to see a marriage break up but I find your courage and strength to move out again positive.
Be watchful of this cycle of you leaving and him saying all the right words to get you to come back. It’s always actions and lots of action on his part to truly witness any changes he may attempt to make.

Liveitwell

My ex tried this same exact thing-tried to use my faith to win me back. It was just a show-he had no intention of actually living a life of faith and being a disciple of Christ-just another manipulation. Addicts are masters of this. Don't buy into it and I promise you'll see the true him come out-and it won't be pretty! Ask me how I know take care of yourself, put up strong boundaries and enforce them.

Peace to you.

Somebodyswife

Thanks for listening and your replies. It's sad but I can almost guess exactly what will happen after I leave. He'll sober up, clean the house, take care of the yard, even do some of the chores that I've asked him to do. Of course he'll make sure I know about each one, and now that he has used my religion to get to me I wouldn't put it passed him to join a church and get active in it. WHICH I think would be great and I really wish the best for him. But at this point I'm done I have nothing left to give. I had rather live the rest of my life alone and in peace than what I am going through now. He has sucked every ounce of joy from me. It's time that I smile again and bring some happiness back into my life. Hate being a Debbie downer.........LOL

FireSprite

So, he means that God forgives him for being an active addict & you should just deal with it too?

What? No.

Tell him, "That's nice Dear, glad you & God are good. BTW - God told ME that he forgives me for believing your lies & BS & coming back & understands why I need to leave again, permanently. God said I deserve to be happy."

What awful manipulation, I'd be twisted over this too. Using your religion against you to avoid making any internal changes is just gross behavior. ((((hugs))))

Liveitwell

^^ yep. My ex started sending me scripture while we were separated-and then decided to join the church. Was all lovey dovey and "I want to be a man of God and be a Godly father to my kids and a Godly husband to you". Two weeks later all hell broke loose and I knew I had made the right decision: he wasn't a good guy-he just said all the right things in hopes I would take him back and when I didn't his true evil showed. I never saw him at Church again after that, 8 months ago. Just another trick to get me to not leave. I hope he finds true salvation someday but it's not done for someone else.

changeneeded

Good morning,

I don't think you're being a Debbie Downer, I think you are being a Smart Sally (couldn't resist) You've learned, you know the drill! I am involved in my church as well. I believe that although you're husband has asked for forgiveness, he is also supposed to turn from and walk back away from how he is been hurting you.

Let him know that, since he is so determined to let you know what God want's for you to do. Let him know he should read past those verses that talk about forgiveness, and read the ones that talk about him making the changes.

Yikes! maybe that conversation is all to familiar to me?

Keep it going, you're doing great!

Refiner

Why are you shocked? That's just typical alkie blathering. Perhaps you're shocked bc you have a conscience (and he obviously does not). This should go under the Quackers thread IMO.

Liveitwell

Yep ^^ my thought as well. He's full of hot air.

Somebodyswife

At one point of the conversation I did tell him to stand back from me for when God smited him I wanted to be out of harms way.......LOL

A good friend told me that he was doing this because AH had used up all his excuses, lies and promises. This was his last resort. I know he was right. Thanks for listening and replying.

Somebodyswife

I know I shouldn't be shocked with anything that comes out of this mouth. But on the other hand I wouldn't have thought he would use religion. My AH will use anything to keep/get what he wants. This is so sad.

megsykreeg

They will use any excuse they can to keep drinking. My hubby tried that for a bit too. Even went so far as to say I was the one keeping us from going to church. You need to focus on you. Your AH will say anything until he is ready to accept he has a problem and is truly willing to change. I'm so sorry you've gone through this for so many years. I told my husband that if he was going to act that way he could not live with us. He chose to stop drinking and change, but it still was his choice. I would've followed through though and kicked him out or left if I had too. You can't live like that. Remember alcoholics are very good at lying to everyone including themselves. They become so engrossed in the disease that they don't even know what's truth anymore. Also forgiveness doesn't mean you should let him get away with the addiction. You can forgive him, but you don't have to put up with his behavior. He really wants to throw that at you, bring him to the Bible. BE NOT DECEIVED; GOD IS NOT MOCKED: FOR WHATSOEVER A MAN SOWETH, THAT SHALL HE ALSO REAP….Galatians 6:7

Luk 17:3

“Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, [fn] rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. "

Forgiveness comes with Repentance. Repentance means to turn the other rejection. I would forgive him in your heart to not let bitterness grow, but that doesn't mean you accept his behavior if he's not repentant.

Hugs to you

firebolt

Haha - this is one for the Quackers thread. Sure - you can forgive him, it doesn't mean you have to stay with him. In fact, I could guess that the odds of you truly forgiving him would be much, much greater if he were out of your life.

Liveitwell

Just found out that today my ex showed up at our Church today to take his name off the membership. How sad. I truly truly believed he had joined bc he wanted to - and wanted to have Jesus help him make changes to his life and to our marriage. But people DO what's important to them. I never cared if he joined the church-never asked him why he wasn't a member after I joined years ago. He cared-but I didn't. I joined for me, not him, not for show but bc I desparately needed Jesus to take control of my life. I could care less if he was active in the church or not-it works for me but not everyone. I just wanted him to stop drinking and BE a good husband and father and tackle life together without alcoholism. How sad. Alcoholics are masters at using our weaknesses and our most important values against us-or to make us think they've changed. I was so proud of him that day-had gone to rehab, quit drinking and joined the Church. Thought he was turning over a new leaf. Ugh, sorry-this post really really hits a nerve today.

Praying

My XAH started going to church, reading the bible daily while he was pretending to quit drinking and hiding a girlfriend--both which I discovered later because I was so blinded by his surface changes and my hope.

His words--I'm closer to God than ever before, and He isn't telling me to work on my marriage--as he moved out to secretly live with her. I was twisted because (as I told him) his God must not be the same as mine, since mine was telling me to keep forgiving and stick around. I tell you what--when I changed my request and asked God NOT for help with my marriage or to stick it out, but to just SHOW me what HE wanted me to do--within two days the most beautiful path opened up for me and I divorced XAH. I never would have included divorce on my path, but I believe in my heart God put it on my plate and freed me.

XAH is now claiming to be active in a church and was somehow hired there in a small role. He recently told DS (who he rarely sees and hasn't explained himself or apologized to after an incredibly hurtful few years) "I'm closer to God than ever before"...the EXACT same phrase from a few years ago that he told me. Kind of creepy. (Who even says that?) DS told me with tears in his eyes that he just doesn't believe it. I told him that I like to think he's making progress but time will tell. When Dad shows up on your doorstep and says "can we talk"? and truly apologizes and makes a meaningful effort with you, that's when you'll know. He sadly said "that's never gonna happen".

It might. But as convincing as XAH is to the world and his new employer, actions show your heart. Forget the words, even if the word "God" is included.

Refiner

What??? I guess I've never heard of an official name list or membership list. What exactly does he gain by taking his name OFF? Is it to avoid paying some kind of membership fee/dues/tithes required? Or was it to spite you?

Refiner

Is the girlfriend still with him and active in the church? Perhaps the pastor needs to know the full picture of that man's "character".

Liveitwell

In his twisted reality, I'm sure it makes sense. Don't have a clue why he does the things he does-he's an active alcoholic-says enough right there. I too, during our separation, had moments where I wondered if he was being unfaithful all the while pretending to not drink and go to Church. It wouldn't surprise me at all as he's lost the ability to tell the truth and his morals are so low they barely exist. Yes-our pastor knows truly what my exs character is now after having witnessed everything he has done and continue to do. He was actually one of my biggest supporters to get myself and my kids away from my then husband.

Liveitwell

@praying-isn't it so sad that kids know ? Praying for your little.