Osakis

My brother got out of rehab two weeks ago. We haven't seen much of him since then and are hoping he's staying sober. He stopped by yesterday and admitted, reluctantly, that he hasn't attended AA meetings as he promised to when he was in rehab. He also canceled his appointment with his counselor, saying he can't afford it. He is definitely NOT the type who can go it alone and succeed in staying in recovery.

I want to be supportive, but given the fact he's not doing anything to help himself, I don't think we (my mom and I) should pick up the pieces when/if he falls apart again. Unfortunately, we expect that his boss will phone us when he stops showing up for work, his girlfriend will phone us when he turns up on her doorstep in a stupor. He'll certainly be around with his hand out when he needs money "for gas."

Dealing with his problems is just too stressful for my 78-year-old mother. I'm wondering if I should contact his boss, his girlfriend and whomever else might want us to deal with him and let them know we can't help anymore? Or should I talk to brother directly and tell him to communicate that to his boss and girlfriend? We couldn't rely on him to do it, though -- we can't rely on him to do anything.

I worry that by letting him know we won't be there for him any more we will be implying 1) we don't think he can succeed and 2) we think he's a bum and don't want to have anything to do with him any more. Both are likely to send him crawling back into the bottle. He'll do anything to avoid having to experience negative emotions. He's prone to depression and of course we worry about suicide.

My mom is so worried and depressed about his problems. I'm afraid my brother will literally be the death of her.

kgm

Magichappens

Hey Keri,
Nothing you do or don't do will cause someone to drink or stay sober. If someone never has to face the responsibility of their own actions, they never have a reason to change. You can't fix it. You can't fix it for your mom. You can seek help for yourself, and that example may be an influence on others, or not.

Until you surrender to the notion that you have no control over your brother, you will continue to go through this. I have been there. I have tried everything in my power to fix an alcoholic, and protect them, and find a way to make them ok. I couldn't let go. I had to get to the point of complete desperation to seek help for my self. It may seem selfish to learn to detach from other people's decisions and actions, but for me, it was self preservation.

I am sorry that your brother is the way he is. I am sorry that your mom can't detach. I am sorry that you can't. I hope that you will soon decide to get some help for yourself. You don't have to feel this way, and you don't have to deal with this alone. Hugs, Magic

Lorelai

kgm -
I've been thinking of you and am glad you're back with an update.

First, I would like to say that, if he is truly committed to sobriety, nothing will "send him crawling back to the bottle". If he wants to keep drinking, he will certainly find an excuse to do so, whether you give it to him or not.

Secondly, I think that NOT saving him by giving him money or solving his problems for him shows him that you DO think he can succeed and you DON'T think he's a bum. If you continue to bail him out, it tells him that you don't think he can take care of himself.

I don't think that you have to let him know that you won't be there for him anymore. You can certainly love him and care about him. That is completely different from taking care of him.

If his boss or girlfriend calls, you can always say that you have every confidence that your brother will take care of his problems himself. If he calls, you can always tell him that you love him and hope that he makes choices that will bring happiness to his life but that you can't make those choices for him.

I know you and your mother have been through a lot. Sending love & strength -
L