Uplifting

So this is kinda long but I appreciate this site and any comments or feedback reading through threads has been really helpful! I have been in a relationship with exAbf for almost 2 years, and stayed way longer that the red flags that were right in front of my face should have allowed. So I have been reading about codependency and also attending Al Anon when I can and in my own therapy. Anyway, we don't live together and no children, but back in my codependency denial I signed an apartment for him, so he is currently in an apartment that I am responsible for in terms of logistics, but he pays me the rent and bills directly since my name is on everything (man I wish I could take this back! ) anyway, the lease ends oct 31 and it will be very difficult to get him out prior to this. Anyway, I have ended the relationship in my mind and with him numerous times over the past several months because of his severe addiction and untreated underlying PTSD and depression. But the endings have come and only been able to be communicated to him the couple days he is sober after a long bender and in the "remorse" phase. But he has expressed understanding in those times as much as he can, but then the benders start because he is still in denial about his now physical dependency and think he can do it still pretty much on his own. So I need help with my own no contact, it is intermittent because I get scared, feel guilty, etc... He becomes emotionally and verbally abusive manipulative, bullying etc when he is drinking and I have blocked his number but he can still send me emails.

SO this is the part I need help with, I sent him one last email a couple days ago telling him to please stop contact, relationship been ruined I need to heal without him in my life etc.. and I need to keep sticking to this. He of course dropped off flowers for me and toys for my son (not from him) yesterday, he has not done that for the 2 years with him and now he decides to??!! Actually made me feel disgusted by it and sad. Anyway, I want to stick to no contact, but of course there is the apt situation so it is not fully possible. I filtered his email to trash, but still can't help my compulsion to check and then get stressed, angry, etc. I am thinking of closing down my email account as a way of preventing myself from checking.. Also any thoughts on how to negotiate me needing no contact and the fact I am still tied to him at last for a couple months? this sounds ridiculous as I write it but just won't be with him anymore but know I will need some contact about apt things.

Sorry this is so long, had to get this out there. any thoughts? Thank you!

Bookaboo2

Hello Uplifting,

Am on day 2 of NC from my ABF and its very hard for me. I told him I cannot see him unless he goes to inpatient rehab. I find myself wanting to contact him just to see if he is ok. But I have been posting my thoughts about this whole process on this site. One member told me if I continue contact I continue my own suffering. I found myself saying that a lot today. Am fairly new to this forum. I don't know if I can really offer any advice other then set your boundaries an stick with them. Maybe set up a email account for jus the rent situation. Perhaps shutting down all your other accounts is best for boundaries. I hope this helps

dandylion

uplofting.....Since you have been doing a lot of reading....I assume that you know the "classic"----make a list of the worst things about the relationship (on you)....carry the piece of paper on your body at all times...and read it every time you get the impulse to contact. You may have to read it dozens of times as day...at first.

Get structured. Stay as structured during the day as you can.
Exercise. Go walking. Walk and cry, if necessary. "Walk it off"...lol!
Write the things you would want to say if you DID contact.....then burn (destroy) the paper.
Reserve a private time each day to do the wailing wall exercise. Cry, scream at an imaginary him. Talk out loud to yourself....just get it out. Try the same time every day....(this is verrry important, by the way).
Start something new. A new routine...a new hobby or craft....plan social activities.....talk to understanding friends. Start going forward, in other words....

These are some of the standards.....I have had to do them, myself!!!!
Put your mobile phone away, physically, at night, and when not necessary for your use. Put it in another room or in a drawer. If you use the computer---stay physically away from it.

I hope that some of this helps....it will help IF you practice these things.

It ain't easy to get through this part...we all know that and empathize with you a lot!!!!!!!!!
It will pass, eventually.....

dandylion