Tangled34

So today is our wedding Anniversary and AH rang this morning to to tell me he was going to a wedding party tonight and to find out if my parents were going to the party because if they were he wouldn't go (coward)! It took everything I had not to say Happy Anniversary enjoy celebrating someone else's marriage today! He has zero compassion for me only thinks about himself full stop and to hell with everyone else! I am so lost and feel so lonely. It feels like he is coming out on top all of the time and having a great time while I'm at home dealing with all of the responsibilities and raising his child while he is living rent free at his parents, dinner handed up to him, everything done for him and out every weekend drinking even though they know what I have had to put up with for years they are continuing to make his life as easy as possible! It makes me so mad! I just don't understand how he has no compassion for me at all!

Sorry, just needed to vent.

FeelingGreat

You vent away Tangled.

If it's any comfort, life as an alcoholic catches up on everyone eventually, and it's not nice. What does he have to be proud of? Living with his parents like a little kid instead of a mature man, broken marriage and a habit that is causing him physical and mental harm.

You have the hard road now, but it's one you can be proud of, and you'll be rewarded in the future by a great relationship with your child.

LexieCat

Well, he acts as if he has no interest in continuing this marriage unless you're OK with his drinking whenever he wants to. If I were you I'd be getting some legal advice. Is he paying child support? Do you have a custody/visitation order in place? Those are the first steps, and you should do that whether you are ready to start divorce proceedings or not. He needs to be financially responsible for his child, and you want to ensure you have legal custody so he can't just take her with him whenever he wants to.

And if you aren't already going to Al-Anon, this might be a very good time to start. You can start finding your own path to happiness regardless of what he does.

Tangled34

Thank you feeling great. He is acting like a teenager and I get the impression that he is proud of himself telling everyone "it just wasn't working" when in reality he chose drink over his family!

I haven't had a drink myself in months. I completely turned against alcohol after watching what it was doing to him! I wonder do many people turn against it?

Lexie I have got some legal advice but to be honest haven't enforced anything.

He takes dd one night a week in his parents house and to be honest I'd say that is even an effort for him as she would only get in the way of his drinking time so I don't think he will be running anywhere with her as she would only come between him and his social life!

He pays the mortgage but doesn't give maintenance but to be honest I'm just happy that he is paying that for now but don't know how long that will last! When that stops I will have to take legal action!

So now I am in bed reading The Big Book of AA and he is out getting smashed lol

redatlanta

Well if its any consolation I don't think most men of his age are viewed as award winners if having to move back home with mommy and daddy.

Please feel free to vent! I think Lexie's suggestions is a good one - you really don't want to wait until he just stops paying the mortgage to search out for your legal options.

maia1234

Life really isn't that wonderful for the A's. Go and read the other forums from alcoholics, you actually may find compassion for them.

I am sorry that your A is totally oblivious to your anniversary. It is truly sad, but part of the disease. Be grateful that you got out and don't have to deal with the crap he brings home everyday. Hugs my friend!!

Liveitwell

When I met my ex he was living with his mom. 11 years and a divirce later he is still living with his mom-and of course still drinking. It's like nothing has changed-for him at least. You take good care of yourself and your kiddo-bc As cannot be counted on to do either. Peace to you!

Tangled34

Thanks guys. Part of me does have a certain amount of compassion for him because he is ruining his life and his health and when he was here I used to get glimpses of who he really was and how tormented he was with himself and I know that someday he will probably wake up and realise that he lost it all! But the other part of me hates him for what he has done to me and dd and my heart breaks for dd that this is the kind of dad that she has! I also blame myself for letting it get this far I should have left a very long time ago all the warning signs were there and I ignored them thinking that he would grow out of it as we were young.

It's just still very raw for me x

maia1234

T- I think everyone on this forum feels that we shouldn't have accepted their abuse for so long. My girlfriend told me she gave her husband an ultimatum when her kids were little. Sober up or get out. He did. When I said that to my XAH 2 years ago, my kids were in college, he had nothing to lose but me. Should'a - would'a - could'a.

Someone on SR told me when you have so much anger towards them, to pray for them. They need the prayers and it makes the anger lessen. We all have to remember this is Gods plan for him, not ours. Even has much as he hurts us, Gods Plan. This is suppose to happen like this. Stinks, but it is out of our control.

Hang in there, slowly life calms down. Hugs my friend!!

Liveitwell

OP-I understand all the feelings you have. I think it's normal to feel all of those. I have those same feelings towards my ex-compassion as I saw the tormented soul he was and there were many good fulfilling times, anger that who he has turned into and what he's done (and feeling for daughters that this is their dad). Your feelings are valid!! Gods plan is not one for us to question...I still struggle with that!!