crushedBK

Hi-I'm new here,
I have no problems with alcohol but have recently learned that my boyfriend who I live with and love is an alcoholic. He has a jekyll/hyde thing where he turns into a different person when he drinks too much. Usually he doesn't get to the point, but when he does, it is bad. He has said some very hurtful things to me when he is "blackout" drunk and completely doesn't remember any of it the next day (and I do believe him). When he is like this he is a different person, I don't recognize him, I don't recognize his eyes and he seems to not even know who I am.

The reason I have come here for help is that up until now the things he has done/said when he gets so drunk have been "forgivable" in that he just says mean things and he always apologizes profusely the next day so I forgive him (because I want to and because I believe that he really doesn't remember and the things that he had said usually make absolutely no sense anyway and I'm a strong enough/self confident person so I know what he says not to be true). But 2 nights ago everything changed when I found him completely naked, about to have sex with a random girl on our couch, right outside the bedroom where I was sleeping.

Him and I had gone to a concert and afterwards it was getting to be a little late. I have a job that requires me to be fully rested and alert so I said I would go home (around 10:30pm). He said he really wanted to hang out with his guy friends that he had not seen in a while and would just be a few minutes more that he would "see me in a bit/was right behind me". That was fine with me so I went home and did in fact expect him to come home drunk much later . But I never expected what happened to happen.

At 4am he opened the door to the bedroom (I sleep with the door closed) and thus the light and the noise woke me up. I was thinking "oh great, thanks for waking me up in the middle of the night" but that is something that has become somewhat expected so it was just more of an annoyance. But then as I was laying there trying to get back to sleep I started hearing a girl's voice and I was thinking "OMG he is so drunk that he brought a bunch of drunk people home with him" Quickly it got quiet and I started to hear some kind of sucking sound and that's when my half sleeping brain started to make sense of what was possibly going on right outside. I walked into the living room and he was completely naked, on top of a girl on the sofa. He was kissing her and the sound of it still makes me want to puke. She had clothes on. I know that if I had not interrupted they would have had sex. When he noticed me standing there it's almost like he didn't see me. The girl, of course, freaked out and was like "I'm outta here." The girl ran out the door and then my naked boyfriend was laying there on the couch and I started asking him questions like "Who was that girl? How did she get here? Are you on drugs? What is wrong with you? Do you know what you just did?" And all his answers were "i don't know" or "what girl." He looked as if he really didn't know who I was and his eyes kept rolling back in his head. Then he just passed out. I was just in shock at that point. Then of course that was followed by extreme anger . I want to forgive him. Because I love him and because I want our relationship to work. I believe him that he doesn't remember anything (who would take a girl home when he knows his girlfriend is there, at the house!?). Is it really possible that he didn't know what he was doing? I am struggling so much here, and it's worse that he doesn't remember so it's like all on me to tell him what happened and to decide what to do. He says he is sorry and there have been many tears shed.

That's a long story and thank you for reading it if you did. He has acknowledged that he has a problem. He says that he wants help. Should I stick with him or is it a lost cause? Any advice or words of strength/wisdom would be appreciated. I have never had any experience with alcoholics and I never ever expected him to do this. Has this ever happened to anyone else?? has your boyfriend/girlfriend brought someone home to have sex with while you are actually there at the house??? this is unbelievable to me, it's almost out of a movie. I had no idea these things actually happen in real life. I am a good person, a professional. I am also very forgiving and I love him so even though I hate what he did (and the image /sounds are burned into my brain forever) I would be willing to let it go. Can he change? If he gets help is there hope? Or am I just being a fool for even thinking about forgiving him? I am so hurt it's hard to think straight. When I think about it (when I am away from him, at work or talking to someone else) I feel like there is no way this if forgivable. But when I see him in person, and he is crying and saying he is sorry my feelings change and I almost feel sorry for him and end up feeling like I am the one comforting him (when he is the one that totally screwed up and I am the one that has been traumatized). I feel like I don't want to leave him. I was so happy in our relationship until this happened. In fact, I felt lucky to have found such a great guy.

thanks so much

AnvilheadII

hi and welcome. hopefully the mods can help get your own post going.

we each have our own set of "dealbreakers" - i can only share my perspective and if i caught my boyfriend/husband/whatever naked and about to have sex with someone else, we would be DONE, finished, over.

yes he was drunk. but not so drunk that he couldn't hook up with this woman AND bring her back HOME and get his clothes off and initiate sex. its really inexcusable.........to me. all his tears and i'm sorrys don't really make up for it. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

Sungrl

I hope to god in future posts you refer to this vermin as X alcoholic boyfriend.

I put up with a LOT of unexscusable **** with my x. Plenty of lies , thievery and downright mayhem.

I never encountered him naked with another chick, probably only because his dick basically didn't work anymore due to all the drugs and alcohol.

Anyway I digress, that is insane behavior and you have the rest of your life to live with that lovely mental picture in your head. Please kick him to the curb.

ps, my x cried so many fake tears and made so many false promises I'm pretty sure had the academy known of him he had 4 years worth of best actor Oscars coming his way.

redatlanta

If you are willing to let this go I kindly suggest you get to the root of your issues rather than focus on his. You are trying to blame this on the drugs and alcohol, and I promise you are blaming the wrong thing. Its an excuse many use to dismiss UNFORGIVABLE behavior.

I feel for you, I am sorry this happened. Stick around we are here for you.

Kboys

(((crushedBK)))

Wow, this was really hard for me to read. I've been there and could have written a lot of this myself a year ago.

My AH cheated on me last year, and was abusive in other ways as well. We are still together... for now at least. I made him move out for a short period of time, but then let him come back and he is no longer drinking. We have had some good times since then, but basically, I feel like it's been over for a long time, and I just haven't been able to let go.... for lots of reasons.

If I could go back to last year, and have the strength that I feel I have now, I would not have let him come back to try to "work things out".
The images you have burned in your brain, and the memories... they don't go away. The trust I had in him and the safety and security I felt with him, that feeling of being special to him and valued by him... I know that I'll never get that back. I've heard others say that they do, but it's taken many years and a lot of hard work.
For me, it's been a year, and the pain at times, seems only more intense than it did a year ago.

Only you can decide where you go from here... I guess it depends on how serious he is about getting help, and making amends to you. I wish I would have immediately put up clear boundaries, but I really didn't...
I let him come back without really any kind of real sincere apology... and I regret it. I deserve a lot more, and so do you!

Praying

Hi, and thanks for posting! You'll hear a lot of direct thoughts here, so fair warning that, for me, it sometimes stung a bit! But there's a lot of wisdom here. A few things you wrote stuck out to me.

I spent years telling myself that- I'm a strong, confident person, his words mean nothing. They do eventually break you down. And...that is not loving. If there's even an OUNCE of this type of behavior, he is not loving and respecting you. It doesn't matter if there's good in him somewhere...who is it that you are spending your days with? Is that really good enough for you?

Nice words...what action has he put in place? You can't help him, only he can. If he's not beside himself COMPLETELY because of his actions, launching into an entirely new recovery plan and showing significant changes in action NOW, then I believe he isn't sorry enough to love you. He may WANT to, but he isn't choosing to. Knowing what I know now, I would want to see an immediate change if I were to even consider it. A real apology should always look like: "I'm sorry for X, I didn't mean to hurt you, and here is how I'm changing my behavior so I don't do it again." If the behavior change isn't promised or achieved, the apology is not real.


I hate to say that "this ain't nothin, baby"! I don't mean to be trite, because it is horrendous, and I am truly sorry for your experiences. I know how this feels. What I mean is that many of us would say we woke up one day and wondered how we normal, low-drama, working people turned up in Jerry Springer relationships. I'm gonna write a book one day and pull Oprah out of retirement. I'm afraid it will get worse...unless he truly makes changes.


This is different than you loving him for him being a good partner, for your ability to trust and lean on him emotionally, and for your ability to grow intimately over time. True loving relationships are made of two healthy people who gain MORE when together. I think you feel sorry for him and think you can help him...and he has you twisted up. You should be rightfully ticked off and he should be groveling...which would be closer to "normal"...the fact that he can do this and you feel sorry for him takes some serious introspection. I can say this as someone who has been there. The best medicine for me was...when I'm away, does the heart grow fonder...or angrier?

One more thought- it's possible he's mixing some sort of drug with his booze. For some reason my drug alarm bells are ringing here. Please be very careful.

I hope you have a peaceful weekend and take some time for yourself. Hugs to you!

53500

Me too! And then guess what, when we were at the end I found out he'd been cheating for years, ala Bill Clinton's definition of "not having sex". By the time I knew this for a fact (he told me and seemed rather proud of himself) I didn't care. Just wish I'd known sooner so I'd have left sooner.

Can you get past it? Only you know that. Some do. The majority of couples, I think, do not get past cheating. And the alcohol, as others pointed out, is a separate problem from cheating. Sorry you're dealing with this.

PHIZ007

my advice would be to run like hell and never look back.

I am sorry for your pain. I would never be able to move forward with that never.

The black out drinking is no fun to live with at all.

Unfortunately alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will only get worse unless he gets help.

In the meantime focus on yourself, look after yourself and the rest will follow.

I would highly recommend Al Anon.

SR and Al Anon keep me sane!
Take care Phiz

velma929

Crushed, this is what your life will be like with him. He is showing you who he is.
Do you want children? is this what you would want to teach your daughter to expect in a mate?

Do you want to own a home? If he's driving in a blackout state you could lose most everything. (This is coming form someone whose Dad had a DUI and killed someone)

You can love a human being, and NOT be his consort, partner, or lover: especially if he hasn't the capacity to return the favor. The fact that he says he's sorry means little. If he turns around and commits the same act again and again, he's not sorry, not really. He's sorry to have to apologize again.

theseithakas

This is what has always been my litmus test. This guy sounds toxic. If I wouldn't want my friend/daughter/sister whoever to be with someone, I shouldn't be with them myself. Good luck, and take care of yourself.

SansaS

I'm so sorry to read this crushed. What an awful experience for you to go through. Has he made any attempts to give up drinking?

Ileana

BK- I beg you to spend some time reading posts, specifically from woman who have been doing this for years. I want you to prepare yourself for what your future looks like.
While he may not remember what he did, it doesn't excuse it. If he at the point of blackout drinking....he need a safe, medical detox. If he is unwilling to start that process today, you need to leave.

Lilro

I have to be honest ladies... Sometime I wish I would have caught him cheating... It would have been so much easier to kick his drunk stupid a** to the curb.

Please do yourself a courtesy and think long & hard about wanting to remain in a "relationship" with a man who is so disrespectful, not only to himself but to YOU.

ladyscribbler

I used to excuse away my ex's behavior because of his drinking. He was also a blackout drinker. He wasn't a cheater, but physically abusive. I wasted a lot of time telling myself that it was because of the booze and that "the real him" would never do anything like that if he wasn't drinking.
It was a game changer for me to learn that they know what they are doing DURING the blackout. The actual memory loss doesn't occur until later, after a period of sleep/unconsciousness.
So what really happened is that he was out drinking, picked up a woman and brought her back to the home you share with him to have sex. He made all of those decisions.. He might not have remembered later, but at the time he was doing it, he was lucid and fully cognizant and aware of what he was doing.

minime13

I had to ask myself a really hard question about an alcoholic ex boyfriend recently - how do I help, support, and be there for an alcoholic?

I didn't have a good answer for that, to the point of feeling it was logical for me to stick around, because the alcoholic that hasn't chosen to at least try to quit can't be helped or supported in a positive way. It doesn't matter if they know they have a problem. It doesn't matter if they want to quit. There's nothing you can do to help them, with the possible exception of leaving them and no longer being their buffer and enabler.

Once they make the choice to get sober, you can help to the point of being a positive person in their life and giving words of encouragement. Even at the point of their recovery, there is still little you can actually do. However, it makes a little more sense to stick around once the person actually decides to commit to changing their life, instead of sticking around before they even get to that step.

Of course black-out drinking can happen. My ex (during a period that we took a break from the relationship) got drunk at a bar, was kicked out, and then went back after they closed and tried to kick the door down. Unfortunately, the police were not called.

The next day, he went back to the bar, and was told he could not come back. He had no idea why. There have also been conversations we've had and plans we've made over the phone that he never recalled. It's easy to lose your memory when you drink to such an excess.

However, black out is a memory loss after the fact. They are choosing to do the things that they do before they pass out and lose their memory of that particular choice or night, even if it is a choice influenced by alcohol. And just think of how easy it is to be able to blame your actions on the drinking, even if you are aware of or in control of what is happening.

You have some tough choices to make, and I would recommend (as others have) reading some of these stories in this forum. You'll probably find that there are a lot of similarities to your own relationship, and then you may notice that, for many of them, there is no end in sight, and it is just as damaging for you to be involved with an alcoholic.

Best of luck. You're not alone.

maia1234

BK- I am sorry. They say "when they show you who they are, believe them the first time." This is who he is and will always be. You can't change him.

Do you want this type of husband? Hugs my friend!!

Pipping

I am genuinely frightened for you. People can become extremely violent during a blackout and gave no ability to snap out of it. That scene you described is repulsive and I feel deeply sorry that you went through this. You deserve so much better. I am a recovering alcoholic who has done some shameful things but this takes the cake. His behaviour is utterly bizarre, abusive and inexcusable. Please, please get some counselling. (( hugs))

marie1960

Aside from the obvious, do you seriously believe you will ever trust this guy again?

All I got, run, run fast, fun hard, and never look back.

This is truly unacceptable, I am so sorry you had to witness this in your own home. Sending you healing thoughts.