Reality check
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Oakland, CA
Posts: 3
Reality check
I am new here. I am new to even considering this might really be happening. I need a reality check. My husband of ten years has always used drink to self medicate. It was alternately manageable and escalating. He suffers from chronic depression and it always gets worse when he is low. It's been getting worse for a while. He doesn't get blackout drunk but he does hide wine and he does drink when I've asked him to back it off. Things started coming to a head for me when he missed our anniversary he was at the bar. We went to his therapist together at his request and he agreed he has a problem. I don't know if he believed it or if he just knew it was what I needed to hear. He "slipped up" once in the first few weeks and I called his therapist who we have been seeing together in addition to him having individual, husband felt betrayed and attacked. I held firm, I had been clear, this time is different, I did something different and he didn't like it. Things were calm for a few days. Then I was going away for a weekend and the night before I left I found wine under the bed, he said it was old, I didn't believe him but didn't press. He picked me up at the airport and he seemed drunk, couldn't find the car in the lot, lost the garage ticket, denied he was drunk but admitted he had "a glass" while I was away. We had couples therapy the next day, just this past Wednesday, I said very clearly I know I can't control you and I am notaking threats but the one thing I do know is that I cannot stay if you keep drinking. It's Friday and he just came home from the bar.
He came in, I could tell immediately, I asked, he denied, I said please be honest, he admitted it, I said ok and walked out of the room. He just left again, presumably to sleep in his car which is what I asked him to do if he drank again.
I don't know what to do. My heart hurts, my whole chest is tight, I want to scream and cry. Our five year old daughter is in the next room. I need a reality check, this is messed up right? I need guidance advice support something!
I know this post is a ramble sorry about that, I just need help.
He came in, I could tell immediately, I asked, he denied, I said please be honest, he admitted it, I said ok and walked out of the room. He just left again, presumably to sleep in his car which is what I asked him to do if he drank again.
I don't know what to do. My heart hurts, my whole chest is tight, I want to scream and cry. Our five year old daughter is in the next room. I need a reality check, this is messed up right? I need guidance advice support something!
I know this post is a ramble sorry about that, I just need help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Hi Popfizzle,
So sorry you are going through this and welcome to the boards.
I suggest you carefully read all the stickies posted at the top of the friends and family forums. And start reading around some of the posts. So many have been where you are.
Is there an Al Anon meeting near to you where you can go for face to face support for you. What you are dealing with is very tough ON YOU and you need support.
You mentioned that you and he see a Therapist, who he also sees individually. That sounds like a conflict of interest to me. Here in the UK therapists are not allowed to do that. They would either council the couple of one of the individuals, but not both. I would suggest that either as a couple, or him individually may need to look for another therapist to avoid more issues which will feel to him like you 'telling' on him behind his back or whatever.
Anyway. I know that people come here just wanting to know what to do. And what I have written above doesn't seem like much of an action plan. However from experience I can tell you that for me it has been a life saver!
So sorry you are going through this and welcome to the boards.
I suggest you carefully read all the stickies posted at the top of the friends and family forums. And start reading around some of the posts. So many have been where you are.
Is there an Al Anon meeting near to you where you can go for face to face support for you. What you are dealing with is very tough ON YOU and you need support.
You mentioned that you and he see a Therapist, who he also sees individually. That sounds like a conflict of interest to me. Here in the UK therapists are not allowed to do that. They would either council the couple of one of the individuals, but not both. I would suggest that either as a couple, or him individually may need to look for another therapist to avoid more issues which will feel to him like you 'telling' on him behind his back or whatever.
Anyway. I know that people come here just wanting to know what to do. And what I have written above doesn't seem like much of an action plan. However from experience I can tell you that for me it has been a life saver!
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
Just reply again. Say anything. It goes to the top of the list of recent posts where people will see it. There are generally less people on your side of the site (friends and family as opposed to those in recovery) and I would guess they keep more normal hours. But they are pretty good about getting back to questions like yours and don't lack for strong opinions!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Pop, your husband (AH) can't control his drinking, and isn't willing right now to do the painful hard work that's needed for an A to stop drinking. As a sober A I know it took me a long time to get to a state of mind where I had the motivation to become sober. For me that was all about wanting my self-esteem back, plus controlling my chronic mild depression with medication.
Assuming he won't or can't stop drinking now, think about your reaction. What can you live with, what can't you? There's no point threatening him, or setting boundaries you can't follow through on. I'm not sure that sharing a therapist is wise either as it would be a conflict of interest for the T or a temptation for you to tell on your AH.
Have you tried Al-anon? Many people in your situation find it helpful.
Assuming he won't or can't stop drinking now, think about your reaction. What can you live with, what can't you? There's no point threatening him, or setting boundaries you can't follow through on. I'm not sure that sharing a therapist is wise either as it would be a conflict of interest for the T or a temptation for you to tell on your AH.
Have you tried Al-anon? Many people in your situation find it helpful.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome! Sorry you're dealing with this--we have all been there (or some version pretty close to what you're experiencing).
Yes, Al-Anon will be very helpful to you, and I think you'd benefit from having your OWN therapist.
I've been in two marriages to alcoholics (one got sober and stayed that way, the other did not), and I'm almost seven years sober, myself. Depression and alcoholism often go together. People who are depressed may drink to "self-medicate" and alcohol inevitably makes depression worse--or may even be the primary cause of someone's depression. For some people, depression and anxiety go away pretty much on their own with solid recovery from alcoholism.
Either way, you and your daughter are not going to have a happy home life if nothing changes. I'm not saying you need to leave him--not right away, anyway--but living with an alcoholic messes with your head and working your own program of recovery can help you clear up your own thinking so you can make good choices for yourself and your daughter.
There is little you can do to MAKE him want to be sober. And without that desire, it could be a very long time before he is ready to do that. Alcoholism is progressive--it will continue to get worse, as it already has.
Yes, Al-Anon will be very helpful to you, and I think you'd benefit from having your OWN therapist.
I've been in two marriages to alcoholics (one got sober and stayed that way, the other did not), and I'm almost seven years sober, myself. Depression and alcoholism often go together. People who are depressed may drink to "self-medicate" and alcohol inevitably makes depression worse--or may even be the primary cause of someone's depression. For some people, depression and anxiety go away pretty much on their own with solid recovery from alcoholism.
Either way, you and your daughter are not going to have a happy home life if nothing changes. I'm not saying you need to leave him--not right away, anyway--but living with an alcoholic messes with your head and working your own program of recovery can help you clear up your own thinking so you can make good choices for yourself and your daughter.
There is little you can do to MAKE him want to be sober. And without that desire, it could be a very long time before he is ready to do that. Alcoholism is progressive--it will continue to get worse, as it already has.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Sounds like your husband is in some pretty deep denial about his problem. No I don't buy that he is going to the counselor because he has addressed he has a problem. His actions state that he is continuing to drink anyway and lying about it. Therapy doesn't work for an active alcoholic that isn't pursuing recovery (i.e. its a waste of money).
Your other issue is that your husband is drinking and driving. First up is addressing that situation and making sure you protect yourself legally. Is the car in your name? Are you affiliated with the insurance policy? Those things must be addressed because if you are legally responsible and he has an accident, god forbid hurts someone, you got more problems than you have now.
As for how to handle this - I strongly recommend Al Anon and reading the book Co-dependent no more. I also recommend you do some reading on here and educate yourself about alcoholism. There is no magic formula for controlling or managing the alcoholic, the only this we can control and manage is ourselves. Stopping co-dependency and enabling is something that can be beneficial in outcome of opening the eyes of the A, but not always. Though for us the benefits are tremendous even if the A doesn't get on board with a program.
Your other issue is that your husband is drinking and driving. First up is addressing that situation and making sure you protect yourself legally. Is the car in your name? Are you affiliated with the insurance policy? Those things must be addressed because if you are legally responsible and he has an accident, god forbid hurts someone, you got more problems than you have now.
As for how to handle this - I strongly recommend Al Anon and reading the book Co-dependent no more. I also recommend you do some reading on here and educate yourself about alcoholism. There is no magic formula for controlling or managing the alcoholic, the only this we can control and manage is ourselves. Stopping co-dependency and enabling is something that can be beneficial in outcome of opening the eyes of the A, but not always. Though for us the benefits are tremendous even if the A doesn't get on board with a program.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Pop.....I can tell that you don't know very much about how this disease works....lol!
Very few people do---unless they have had a compelling reason to have to learn about it...or have taken extensive training in this area. And, the streets are filled with myths and misinformation.
I say this because you seem to think that he is being dishonest, on purpose, toward you. And, you both seem to think that he can just moderate (cut down) because that seems very logical.
Neither of these things are true....his lying has nothing to do with you and it is impossible for him to just cut back.
I will also caution that many doctors and therapists don't really understand the true nature of alcoholism and how the alcoholic mind works....unless they have had specific training, of course. (Medical doctors may know physical symptoms once the person becomes physically ill....but, most do not know the psychology of it).
Your husband is going to need a program in order to have true recovery....not just white knuckling for a while. Many will avoid a program like the plague---with every excuse in the book for doing so...lol! For one thing, they don't want to be asked to quit drinking completely....and, don't want the word "alcoholism" attached to them. The denial is very powerful. They fear the stigma that society attaches to it.....but, losing your family, health, and career aso carries a large penalty.
For you....I suggest that you attend a program of your own....intended just for you and the misery that you are suffering. Alanon and Celebrate Recovery are two very popular ones. (I assume that you are in the US).
Start reading through the stickies at the top of the main page---especially the ones under the heading of Classic Readings!
Co-Dependent No More is a book that is practically classic in this recovery circle.
It will probably resonate very much with you....I suggest that you read it....
In particular----if you want to understand how the alcoholic brain....how someone with this disease thinks----google Floyd P. Garrett, M,d.....You will find his articles on the website: bma-wellness.com. He has several articles, but the ones titled: "Excuses Alcoholics Make" and "Adiction, Lies, and Relationships" and the best I have read on this subject....
I suggest that you immediately stop asking him if he has been drinking and stop looking for his liquor. Why? Because, it just keeps your stress at high tide and it doesn't help him one bit. You already know that he is drinking. You can't guilt him into recovery.
The best that you can do is to learn how to draw your own boundaries as to what you will or will not l ive with--tolerate. He has to do the rest.....
Now, I doubt that y ou will like these suggestions...lol! Few do when they first come here asking for help.....That is o.k. Most of us understand that....again, lol!
You are not alone....you will get through this....
dandylion
Very few people do---unless they have had a compelling reason to have to learn about it...or have taken extensive training in this area. And, the streets are filled with myths and misinformation.
I say this because you seem to think that he is being dishonest, on purpose, toward you. And, you both seem to think that he can just moderate (cut down) because that seems very logical.
Neither of these things are true....his lying has nothing to do with you and it is impossible for him to just cut back.
I will also caution that many doctors and therapists don't really understand the true nature of alcoholism and how the alcoholic mind works....unless they have had specific training, of course. (Medical doctors may know physical symptoms once the person becomes physically ill....but, most do not know the psychology of it).
Your husband is going to need a program in order to have true recovery....not just white knuckling for a while. Many will avoid a program like the plague---with every excuse in the book for doing so...lol! For one thing, they don't want to be asked to quit drinking completely....and, don't want the word "alcoholism" attached to them. The denial is very powerful. They fear the stigma that society attaches to it.....but, losing your family, health, and career aso carries a large penalty.
For you....I suggest that you attend a program of your own....intended just for you and the misery that you are suffering. Alanon and Celebrate Recovery are two very popular ones. (I assume that you are in the US).
Start reading through the stickies at the top of the main page---especially the ones under the heading of Classic Readings!
Co-Dependent No More is a book that is practically classic in this recovery circle.
It will probably resonate very much with you....I suggest that you read it....
In particular----if you want to understand how the alcoholic brain....how someone with this disease thinks----google Floyd P. Garrett, M,d.....You will find his articles on the website: bma-wellness.com. He has several articles, but the ones titled: "Excuses Alcoholics Make" and "Adiction, Lies, and Relationships" and the best I have read on this subject....
I suggest that you immediately stop asking him if he has been drinking and stop looking for his liquor. Why? Because, it just keeps your stress at high tide and it doesn't help him one bit. You already know that he is drinking. You can't guilt him into recovery.
The best that you can do is to learn how to draw your own boundaries as to what you will or will not l ive with--tolerate. He has to do the rest.....
Now, I doubt that y ou will like these suggestions...lol! Few do when they first come here asking for help.....That is o.k. Most of us understand that....again, lol!
You are not alone....you will get through this....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi Pop and welcome! I echo what Dandy wrote. Stick around and read read read. I may also suggest he see a dual diagnosis therapist... One for both his depression and his addiction behavior. I'm not quite sure why you attend the same therapist together with him... Is it for marriage counseling? If so, please don't waste your time or $. It's worthless if one partner is active in his/her addiction. As others have said, unless he wants sobriety bad enough to seek it himself, there is nothing you can do to get him help. Al Anon is a group that is for YOU. A support group.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Not much to add except to keep yourself safe. Don't ride with him if you suspect he's been drinking like that night at the airport, even if he gets offended and tries to deny it (odds are you are right, you live with this man, you know if something is "off").
Your daughter needs you safe and healthy. Don't endanger yourself just to avoid offending your husband. If he wants your trust, then he can earn it by behaving in a trustworthy way, which definitely does NOT include drinking and driving with his family in the car.
Glad you found us. Keep posting. We are here for you.
Your daughter needs you safe and healthy. Don't endanger yourself just to avoid offending your husband. If he wants your trust, then he can earn it by behaving in a trustworthy way, which definitely does NOT include drinking and driving with his family in the car.
Glad you found us. Keep posting. We are here for you.
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