Codie lessons on self care
 

Hey, y'all!
Someone posted a link to sfhelp.org, which uses the internal family systems theory (IFS) to heal. That led me to the book Self Therapy.

The idea with IFS is the wounding that happened to us freezes parts of us as young children and when we get triggered (similar situations come up in adulthood), that wounded part of us takes over. These "exiles" are based in shame or fear or other stuck emotions and these young parts of us don't have the emotional or mental maturity or capacity to deal with the adult situation we are in. They get flooded with their upset feelings (just like the past). We don't even notice we have been "taken over" by these frozen children in pain.

Because of their inability to cope, protector parts develop to take care of us in our overwhelm. These protectors might have skills at distraction through getting consumed by work or call us to addiction or make us forgetful...they are trying to help out, but end up getting us into trouble.

Of course, we have an inner critic part that then judges us for our dysfunctional coping mechanisms and causes further feelings of shame and other negative emotions.

Its a big cycle of which we are unaware. Luckily, there is a part of us, what IFS calls Self, that is our spiritual center. This part is loving, open, easy, gentle, and a great leader. People that come across that way are no different than us, they just have their Self in the driver's seat more often. We can cultivate mindfulness to get to know our parts and who is currently in charge (usually many parts are around at once).

Some important ideas in IFS are that each part (even the ones that cause us to be addictive or cause other problems) have developed to HELP us and need our love and understanding. Also, that to heal, we need to get to know these parts of us and find out what they need to be heard and and find peace. If we can get them to trust us (just like actual family members), we can work with them to listen to them, take care of their needs and, ultimately to give them new jobs so they no longer need to do the automatic overtaking they used to do.

I am really getting a lot out of it and just found an IFS therapist to work with.

Secondarily (through that same website) I came upon Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.

OH MY GOSH, it is SOOO GOOD and I feel like he created it for codies!

There is a ton of good stuff (check out a series of videos that are a free workshop by him here:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dpk5Z7GIFs). But one of the REALLY important idea sets are about needs because I take care of others needs and rarely my own (or notice my own). Here are a few of his ideas on needs:

1. Needs are natural, physical, physiological and spiritual discomforts.
2. All behavior - including communication - aims to satisfy each persons' conscious and unconscious needs.
3. All human emotions are valuable signs that some current needs are unfulfilled.
4. All adults are responsible for identifying and filling his or her own needs.
5. Relationship problems are caused by conflicting and unmeet current needs.

He gives you a pattern to learn how to identify your own and others needs.

Hope it serves you, too!

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I believe in this!! Thanks for posting!

Ooooo, this is good stuff!

I always knew recognizing our feelings was important, but never really could see why, exactly. I could say, "Okay. I can see my husband lying to me, drinking in secret and being angry makes me sad, mad, disappointed, hurt, etc." But where am I now? Is anything better?

It seems obvious, but linking each feeling to a need and lastly, figuring out the request to meet that need all of a sudden makes it all make sense!

I have been a person that didn't acknowledge I HAD needs or, perhaps I could in THEORY, but I didn't notice when they were coming up (although I had the feelings as indicators, I didn't know feelings WERE indicators).

This process takes me right to the needs and figuring out how to meet them!

Love it.