trying to figure things out
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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trying to figure things out
I'm new to this. I am recently seperated from my boyfriend of six years. When I met him he wasn't drinking, and had been sober for seven years, but wasn't attending meetings or actively working on his sobriety. I understood that he had a problem, but did not understand much about addiction. I thought that he wasn't drinking so it was ok.
A couple of years into our relationship he began to drink again. I thought that he had gone through various rehab and therapy programs, he understood the risks and that he had it under control. I didn't understand that him starting to drink again was a sign that he was spiralling out of control.
Over the years things have gotten worse. Financial problems, compulsive buying sprees, addiction to online gaming, general depression. Then strange stories with girls, online flirting, bizarre obsessions that led to lying, hiding phone numbers, spending time with them at any price, then finally in September of last year he cheated on me. He tried to explain the link between this behaivior and problems with addiction, but i didn't understand and was devastated. I was blaming myself, and fell into a very dark period. Through all this I had become obsessive, and felt like I was going nuts.
I tried to make it work, but life was stressful with him and everyday with him became a struggle of anxiety and mistrust. In March I finally moved out. Since then we started seeing each other again, things seemed to be better. We were getting along, fighting less, he was loving and caring and I was feeling better about myself and my day to day. We weren't together but we weren't apart, but our boundaries were never clear enough.
A few weeks ago he disappeared for a few days, didn't respond to my phone calls or texts. I wasn't sleeping, I was sure he was with another girl, and I was right. This time though, he fell for her. He was obsessed with her. I cut contact and he watched me go like it was no big deal. It broke my heart. I don't remember ever feeling so hurt. She was around a bit for a couple weeks, but isn't from here and went home after two weeks.
When she left it was like he woke up from a dream, came back to me on his knees. He said that he had finally hit his rock bottom. He has since started to go to meetings, and is workng through his problem with therapy. I didn't take him back, but agreed to be friends and try to support him through this, but he isn't respecting my boundaries and I feel like he is leaning very hard on me after so recently hurting me so badly and I am struggling with it. I find it difficult to say no to him because he seems so isolated at the moment. I also tentatively started dating again and he has been freaking out about it and I am not sure how to deal with this. I feel like it is unfair of him to demand sacrifices from me after he left me for another woman.
I guess I have a few questions. I loved this man, deeply, and thought I would have a future with him. Well, I guess I loved the man when he wasn't drinking. My feelings have changed after years of hurt and stress, but I still have a lot of love for him. Is it possible for him to get back to who he was? Is it possible to rebuild trust after it has been destroyed? If there was a way for him to tell me he would be the man I met and fell in love with, i would stay with him without a doubt, but how do I know?
I feel like right now he is still putting his needs in front of mine and not givnig me the space I need. Should I cut him out altogether, or is there even a way to be in each other's lives to support each other after everything without hurting each other?
I am really struggling a lot with this, and my heart is still very broken, and I feel like I am making bad decisions because there are no good choices.
A couple of years into our relationship he began to drink again. I thought that he had gone through various rehab and therapy programs, he understood the risks and that he had it under control. I didn't understand that him starting to drink again was a sign that he was spiralling out of control.
Over the years things have gotten worse. Financial problems, compulsive buying sprees, addiction to online gaming, general depression. Then strange stories with girls, online flirting, bizarre obsessions that led to lying, hiding phone numbers, spending time with them at any price, then finally in September of last year he cheated on me. He tried to explain the link between this behaivior and problems with addiction, but i didn't understand and was devastated. I was blaming myself, and fell into a very dark period. Through all this I had become obsessive, and felt like I was going nuts.
I tried to make it work, but life was stressful with him and everyday with him became a struggle of anxiety and mistrust. In March I finally moved out. Since then we started seeing each other again, things seemed to be better. We were getting along, fighting less, he was loving and caring and I was feeling better about myself and my day to day. We weren't together but we weren't apart, but our boundaries were never clear enough.
A few weeks ago he disappeared for a few days, didn't respond to my phone calls or texts. I wasn't sleeping, I was sure he was with another girl, and I was right. This time though, he fell for her. He was obsessed with her. I cut contact and he watched me go like it was no big deal. It broke my heart. I don't remember ever feeling so hurt. She was around a bit for a couple weeks, but isn't from here and went home after two weeks.
When she left it was like he woke up from a dream, came back to me on his knees. He said that he had finally hit his rock bottom. He has since started to go to meetings, and is workng through his problem with therapy. I didn't take him back, but agreed to be friends and try to support him through this, but he isn't respecting my boundaries and I feel like he is leaning very hard on me after so recently hurting me so badly and I am struggling with it. I find it difficult to say no to him because he seems so isolated at the moment. I also tentatively started dating again and he has been freaking out about it and I am not sure how to deal with this. I feel like it is unfair of him to demand sacrifices from me after he left me for another woman.
I guess I have a few questions. I loved this man, deeply, and thought I would have a future with him. Well, I guess I loved the man when he wasn't drinking. My feelings have changed after years of hurt and stress, but I still have a lot of love for him. Is it possible for him to get back to who he was? Is it possible to rebuild trust after it has been destroyed? If there was a way for him to tell me he would be the man I met and fell in love with, i would stay with him without a doubt, but how do I know?
I feel like right now he is still putting his needs in front of mine and not givnig me the space I need. Should I cut him out altogether, or is there even a way to be in each other's lives to support each other after everything without hurting each other?
I am really struggling a lot with this, and my heart is still very broken, and I feel like I am making bad decisions because there are no good choices.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Newdrift201 - Welcome to SR and sorry for what brings you here. You will get many opinions about this situation and here is mine.
Your BF sounds to have other issues going on other than alcoholism. This is not unusual often below the alcoholism you will find a driving force which could be mental illness or a personality disorder. He has the red flags for one, either or both.. It is possible for him to move forward if he chooses to address ALL his issues. For me that would include a psychiatric evaluation, and treatment plan along with recovery plan. I would want to see at a minimum a year or more of compliancy before I would ever consider re-entering a relationship with him.
If there was a way for him to tell me he would be the man I met and fell in love with, i would stay with him without a doubt, but how do I know?
Nobody knows anything like this 100%, certainly if he were making an effort and became compliant with meetings and recovery, you would have the foundation to make decisions about whether or not it was for real. One of the aspects of dating a recovering alcoholic is that there is always a chance they will relapse. In your situation I am far more disturbed by the cheating, lying, gambling, impulsive shopping sprees, disappearances, bizarre obsessions etc than the alcoholism. While your ABF may really believe there is a correlation between that behavior and his alcoholism (or is conveniently using it as an excuse) I beg to differ. Alcoholism doesn't cause this type of behavior in itself. RED FLAGS.
Should I cut him out altogether, or is there even a way to be in each other's lives to support each other after everything without hurting each other?
I'd say the one who is at risk here for hurt is YOU. How to undo years of being a partner and changing into just a support system I can't tell you. Most who have tried fail (if not all) at the expense of themselves. He absolutely is putting his needs before yours - he has been for a long time. His behavior is atrocious, and here you are considering how to make things work for one little word - love - because you feel like you owe him and you are concerned what will happen to him if you don't. What you want is not present in this relationship, you want accountability for what he has done and assurances it won't happen again. Its not there. A recovery process is a solitary movement, if your BF wants to be sober and will do anything to be so inclusive of a LONG TERM recovery program whether you are on board or not doesn't matter one iota. The worst decision you could make is to become actively involved in getting him healthy.
You moved on enough to start dating I am guessing that you on some levels rose above this situation to start on a path to getting healthy yourself. My advise is to continue that path and to sever your current situation. Its got skull and cross bones signs all over it.
I strongly suggest you so some reading on co-dependency and also start attending Al Anon - this is something to do for yourself, not for him. In the meantime stick around and read about life with this type of situation. Its not fun. Best to you I know its hard.
Your BF sounds to have other issues going on other than alcoholism. This is not unusual often below the alcoholism you will find a driving force which could be mental illness or a personality disorder. He has the red flags for one, either or both.. It is possible for him to move forward if he chooses to address ALL his issues. For me that would include a psychiatric evaluation, and treatment plan along with recovery plan. I would want to see at a minimum a year or more of compliancy before I would ever consider re-entering a relationship with him.
If there was a way for him to tell me he would be the man I met and fell in love with, i would stay with him without a doubt, but how do I know?
Nobody knows anything like this 100%, certainly if he were making an effort and became compliant with meetings and recovery, you would have the foundation to make decisions about whether or not it was for real. One of the aspects of dating a recovering alcoholic is that there is always a chance they will relapse. In your situation I am far more disturbed by the cheating, lying, gambling, impulsive shopping sprees, disappearances, bizarre obsessions etc than the alcoholism. While your ABF may really believe there is a correlation between that behavior and his alcoholism (or is conveniently using it as an excuse) I beg to differ. Alcoholism doesn't cause this type of behavior in itself. RED FLAGS.
Should I cut him out altogether, or is there even a way to be in each other's lives to support each other after everything without hurting each other?
I'd say the one who is at risk here for hurt is YOU. How to undo years of being a partner and changing into just a support system I can't tell you. Most who have tried fail (if not all) at the expense of themselves. He absolutely is putting his needs before yours - he has been for a long time. His behavior is atrocious, and here you are considering how to make things work for one little word - love - because you feel like you owe him and you are concerned what will happen to him if you don't. What you want is not present in this relationship, you want accountability for what he has done and assurances it won't happen again. Its not there. A recovery process is a solitary movement, if your BF wants to be sober and will do anything to be so inclusive of a LONG TERM recovery program whether you are on board or not doesn't matter one iota. The worst decision you could make is to become actively involved in getting him healthy.
You moved on enough to start dating I am guessing that you on some levels rose above this situation to start on a path to getting healthy yourself. My advise is to continue that path and to sever your current situation. Its got skull and cross bones signs all over it.
I strongly suggest you so some reading on co-dependency and also start attending Al Anon - this is something to do for yourself, not for him. In the meantime stick around and read about life with this type of situation. Its not fun. Best to you I know its hard.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi New
Welcome. Wish I could tell you something to make you feel better but RED up there ^^ has basically said it all. Worry about You and only you right now. This guy has got you on the crazy train, time to get off. Big hug to you!!! Move forward... You've got this!
Welcome. Wish I could tell you something to make you feel better but RED up there ^^ has basically said it all. Worry about You and only you right now. This guy has got you on the crazy train, time to get off. Big hug to you!!! Move forward... You've got this!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Newdrift,
Welcome to SR. What a sad sad sad relationship. Should it really be that hard and sacrificial? Please start thinking about what does this boyfriend really bring to the table as a partner. Don't you think you deserve someone who can be there for you?
I recommend three things for you to help refocus on building your self esteem and unlearning patterns of why you have stayed and stayed and stayed.
1. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Read it.
2. Try Al Anon meetings at least 3 different ones if you are in an area with choices.
3. Counseling for you. Preferably someone with addictions and codependency experience.
As for the BF, you have no control over his recovery. He has multiple lines of addiction running through his life like Acme Bomb Company. Read your post as if it was your sister or best friend. What would you tell them?
Welcome! I hope you figure it out for yourself.
Welcome to SR. What a sad sad sad relationship. Should it really be that hard and sacrificial? Please start thinking about what does this boyfriend really bring to the table as a partner. Don't you think you deserve someone who can be there for you?
I recommend three things for you to help refocus on building your self esteem and unlearning patterns of why you have stayed and stayed and stayed.
1. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Read it.
2. Try Al Anon meetings at least 3 different ones if you are in an area with choices.
3. Counseling for you. Preferably someone with addictions and codependency experience.
As for the BF, you have no control over his recovery. He has multiple lines of addiction running through his life like Acme Bomb Company. Read your post as if it was your sister or best friend. What would you tell them?
Welcome! I hope you figure it out for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Someone on this forum recently said that their mother asked them these questions about their addicted boyfriend:
Is this person someone you would want your son/daughter/best friend/sister to be like?
Is this person someone you would want your son/daughter/best friend/sister to marry?
Then why on earth would you settle for this person for you???
And remember, the biggest mistake those of us who love alcoholics make is that we separate out all of their good qualities and call that "the real person" and anything that we don't like about that person is all because of the addiction in our mind. That simply isn't true and we must face that the person is the whole package of what we love and what we don't love, including the addictions.
Is this person someone you would want your son/daughter/best friend/sister to be like?
Is this person someone you would want your son/daughter/best friend/sister to marry?
Then why on earth would you settle for this person for you???
And remember, the biggest mistake those of us who love alcoholics make is that we separate out all of their good qualities and call that "the real person" and anything that we don't like about that person is all because of the addiction in our mind. That simply isn't true and we must face that the person is the whole package of what we love and what we don't love, including the addictions.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
Is it possible to rebuild trust after it has been destroyed? If there was a way for him to tell me he would be the man I met and fell in love with, i would stay with him without a doubt, but how do I know?
I would say no. Based on bitter experience and sticking it out for 20 years. My advice would be to get out of it and move on. Don't help him, don't contact him and find a life of your own without him in it. If I had a $ for every time my exah said "Starting from....I will do /stop/get help " I would be a very rich women. All he did was get worse and worse. I wasted 20 years of my life. He wasted all of his. He's dying now and my poor children are having to watch it. Run while you can. xx
I would say no. Based on bitter experience and sticking it out for 20 years. My advice would be to get out of it and move on. Don't help him, don't contact him and find a life of your own without him in it. If I had a $ for every time my exah said "Starting from....I will do /stop/get help " I would be a very rich women. All he did was get worse and worse. I wasted 20 years of my life. He wasted all of his. He's dying now and my poor children are having to watch it. Run while you can. xx
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
This jumped out at me: "he is still putting his needs in front of mine". He is displaying typical addict behavior and even told you so. Please believe him! Do you want a lifetime of this? I would continue seeing other people if I were you. His TRUE recovery is HIS and he needs to OWN IT.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Just take care of you and get out.
He's just using you because he's needy right now.
Cheating and alcoholism are two separate issues.
He didn't cheat because he was drinking, he cheated because he is a needy cheater.
I think you have put up with enough, don't you?
He's just using you because he's needy right now.
Cheating and alcoholism are two separate issues.
He didn't cheat because he was drinking, he cheated because he is a needy cheater.
I think you have put up with enough, don't you?
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