horsegirl

Hi all,
silly .. but, My xabf asked for a "play date" with our dog.
she is getting old 13 and he raised her along with me.
I am going to be on his side of town this Thursday for a hair appt. I told him I could drop her off before and pick her up after, he mentioned going to dinner together. I have been NC for 100 days, now I will see him. At first I agreed to dinner , but he just wants to be friends , I don't , I am still in love with him and have been working hard at acceptance and moving on with my life. As usual , he then said , we should play it by ear , I may have to work late , grr! this is the crap that has always hurt me so much. If something better comes up then he has an out?? ugh! .. I am thinking of sending him a text , letting him know I will drop the dog off and come round to pick her up a few hours later (I have a friend in town that I could go visit), not even metion dinner to him again? Am i then acting just like him? I want to take care of myself , not fall into my poor me attitude and still not treat him like he treats me. Do i need to address the "out to dinner comment' or what? I know some might say , don't even go there , he left so he does not get the dog, however , that dog was just as much his as mine and I feel its being vindictive if I keep her from him.
thoughts???

SparkleKitty

horsegirl, my instinct tells me that his request doesn't have anything to do with the dog.

He wanted to test the waters, see where you're at, and chose a topic (the dog) that would make you feel guilty and like you owe him something.

Then when you agreed to dinner he backed off. Pretty classic manipulation. He needed a little validation and now that he's got his fix, he's done.

Please don't worry about whether you're acting like him, and just do what you need to do to take care of and protect yourself. Nothing has changed.

I think NC was the right place for you.

AnvilheadII

wouldn't that be stressful and confusing for the DOG?

Liveitwell

My ex used these same tactics-plenty of them. Total manipulation and usually just done to draw you in and guage your interest and then they can attack and make you feel horrible. You went NC for a reason-I think he just showed you, again, why you made that decision!! I think that if he does any changing then at that point you could revisit the relationship/friendship.

horsegirl

Funny you say this. I actually got validation when we talked. He had said something hurtful when he broke up with me. I asked him about it and he said that it was his depression , that it had nothing to do with me. ( He stopped wanting sex) . I asked him if he missed our dog , then he asked about a play date. I really think I brought this on myself , I cannot blame him for the conversation. We both had some closure regarding our relationship and I feel much better now. hence the reason I do not want to go to dinner. I am fighting myself now, with the whole hopeful thing. I know we are not compatable, we talked about mistakes we made as a couple. I said I needed him to clarify the hurtful thing he said so i could finally accept the end and move on. he at some point said , I will always have feelings for you , we were together 11 years. It feels like closure to me.

CarmenLove

I think dinner would definitely open up old wounds if it was me...

garfiild

HG, I have zero advice about dinner, closure or NC. However, as to the dog...

I split with my ex (not an A but many emotional and maturity issues) 14 years ago. At the time, my son had just turned one year old. My son did not show much attachment to the ex. I felt guilt for not taking action to protect their relationship but at the same time I needed to detach and not be responsible for a parent-child relationship that was not my own. I told ex "you can visit with DS if you want to, but you need to come and get DS at an agreed upon time and you need to return him to my house at an agreed upon time. Your time with DS is your own, I will not stop you from seeing DS nor will I force you to see DS - except, if you choose to have a relationship with DS then it needs to be maintained over time, I will not allow you to drop in and out of his life."

With occasional and minor exceptions, that has been the arrangement. Ex is responsible for contacting me, arranging pick-up and drop-off, etc. I have sole custody (as you do with the dog).

My point here is, there are ways to step out of the way and let your A determine what relationship he wants to have (if any) with the canine family member that you both raised. I agree with PP saying that the situation probably has little to do with the dog - if you want to test this, you can remove the pup as a convenient excuse and see what happens.

Some people may not take puppy visitation seriously, but this actually was a major issue when my brother's ex left him - B was just as devastated to lose his pup as he was to lose his wife.

Flavia2

The dog doesn't miss him-- this is all about HIM and he is using the dog to talk to you again, see if he can still get you to care.

IMHO, he is playing games.

I'd tell him I changed my mind; no, the dog cannot come over to play.

guava

Hmmm...if it was really about the dog wouldn't he want to spend the evening with the dog as opposed to going to dinner with you?

horsegirl

Good morning all,
thank you so much for your support and guidance.
I am sending a note to him today.
" Hi, I can drop Lu off at around 4 and pick her up at 6:30 ish.
Thank you for the dinner invite , but I forgot I have an alanon meeting on Thursday night."

garfiild

HG - In my opinion, the right way to go. In fact, I'd say you're being generous by offering to drop off and pick up. Will be curious to hear whether he takes the pup.

Florence

Personally, I'd say no. A dog is not a child to whom he has entitled rights. If it inconveniences you and puts you in a bad position emotionally or otherwise, you can and should say no. You can say no to anyone for any reason, and you don't have to justify, explain, or defend your decision.

You broke up with him because he's toxic. He's still toxic.

horsegirl

Hi all,
I sent him a note telling him the time I will drop her off and pick her up. I am going to be in his town for a hair appt , I would never go out of my way to deliver her. I declined dinner , I have an alanon meeting .
He said No prob , some other time and confirmed he would be there for my puppy .

Plean , drop 2 mins , pick up , 2 mins ...
Whew dodged a bullet!

horsegirl

Hi,
yes when I talked to him , he told me he was still basically doing the same things as the last time we spoke. If nothing changes nothing changes ..

gleefan

I'm so inspired by those who are actively changing the way they respond to the challenges in their lives. I'm still in the process of identifying the behavior that I'm no longer going to accept.

I am blown away seeing about manipulation tactics uncovered. It's providing me with really good food for thought....

horsegirl

I saw my therapist last night and talked through this . I think it is a good thing I spoke with him. I am finally to the point that I do NOT want to have a relationship with this man as it stands. I feel really strong in my decision today. I , for the first time do not have any doubts about what is real. What is real is that he does not want to work for a relationship, he feels safe on his own , no responsibilities to anything. I cannot fix it for him , better yet , I dont want to fix it for him. If he chosses to live this way , I will let him live this way , his life his choice. I am a kind person , I will let him see my dog.

horsegirl

Hi,
It took me a good year to get my self awareness back , sometimes I still struggle with it ( as you can see from my post) . Instead of reacting or acting imediately , I sit with something, talk to SR , my sponsor or my Therapist , then make a decision. Nothing has to be solved or fixed imediately. How exciting is it , to start recognizing and being aware , kidos to you ! It breeds self esteem. Remember take what you like and leave the rest . The people on this site are amazing!