In the thick of it and not giving up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Black Creek, WI
Posts: 11
In the thick of it and not giving up
Hi all,
Well Friday my AH did something pretty bad to me (not the first time this has happened) and of course wanted to pretend like nothing happened Sat. morning. I drew a boundry and refused to live like that anymore and told him untill we dealt with what happened we wouldnt be having sex, and that I wasnt going to be used in that way anymore.
Ok so my family came over (already planned) and so we played nice most of the day and Sat. night of course he is drunk and decided that he wanted to again. I stuck to it and said no explaining to him AGAIN that until we dealt with Friday I was not going to be used. He got mad and played the "fine I am not going to Church then" card not realizing that it isnt something that pushes my buttons anymore. I just calmly told him I was sorry he felt the need to use Church as a weapon but that was between him and God and was his choice. He huffed and he puffed but he didnt blow the house in. I went to sleep.
Then Sun. I was nice but cool not all lovey dovey like he wanted to be. Then Sun. night he again came to me and I AGAIN repeated what I had said all weekend. I told him that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over even when it doesnt work and he could chose to live how he wanted to but I was done doing the same old thing. I cant live like that anymore and refuse to run from problems or pretend things didnt happen just to make peace. From now on we will deal with problems like adults and stop running. He decided to declare that we werent sleeping until I had sex with him. I just kept stating my position and that I wasnt going to discuss it with him when he had been drinking but I would be more than happy to talk to him the next day before he started drinking. He turned on all the lights, took away my pillows, pulled off my covers and shook me if he thought I was going to sleep. I reminded him that I had to babysit for the first day at 7am, that I was getting sick, that I have FMS which makes sleep imperative and that I have a sick little girl to deal with on top of it all and I needed my sleep. He refused. At this point I went into my daughters room to sleep on the floor thinking he wouldnt cross that line....WRONG...he was so out of control he even went in there and turned on the overhead light. I quickly got up not wanting her to be woken up and said I would go back to our room if he would let me sleep and he agreed...ok not...he started again. This went on until 11:30 and he finally passed out.
He is home now, insisting that he cant work if I didnt tell him I loved him because he cant work knowing our relationship is a mess. I told him this wasnt about love or not it was about his behavior and the damage it caused. It is his choice weather he will work or not and I wasnt going to allow him to put that on me. I also refused to take responsibility for what he did Friday or last night. His theory is "if she would just....I wouldnt have to...." and that what happened last night wasnt abuse it was just an argument. I just kept telling him that he needed to own what he did and that I wasnt going to take it on like I used to. Now he is upstairs sleeping off last night and I am up with my three kids, one that just had her tonsicles out, and the new girl I babysit for trying to act like all is well for the kids sake.
I am proud of myself that I didnt give in and say what he wanted to hear just to end it. I really want to stick to this and not give in no matter what he does to me.
I pointed out to him this morning that he needs to deny what he did on Friday because he cant face who he is when drunk but that doesnt mean it didnt happen.
Just pray that I can keep up the focus on God and not my AH. Thats how I made it through last night and how I will make it today and so on and so on.
Just wanted to say what has been going on to people that will understand.
Sorry this was so long....
and the saga continues....
off to make pancakes for the kiddos
Melanie
Well Friday my AH did something pretty bad to me (not the first time this has happened) and of course wanted to pretend like nothing happened Sat. morning. I drew a boundry and refused to live like that anymore and told him untill we dealt with what happened we wouldnt be having sex, and that I wasnt going to be used in that way anymore.
Ok so my family came over (already planned) and so we played nice most of the day and Sat. night of course he is drunk and decided that he wanted to again. I stuck to it and said no explaining to him AGAIN that until we dealt with Friday I was not going to be used. He got mad and played the "fine I am not going to Church then" card not realizing that it isnt something that pushes my buttons anymore. I just calmly told him I was sorry he felt the need to use Church as a weapon but that was between him and God and was his choice. He huffed and he puffed but he didnt blow the house in. I went to sleep.
Then Sun. I was nice but cool not all lovey dovey like he wanted to be. Then Sun. night he again came to me and I AGAIN repeated what I had said all weekend. I told him that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over even when it doesnt work and he could chose to live how he wanted to but I was done doing the same old thing. I cant live like that anymore and refuse to run from problems or pretend things didnt happen just to make peace. From now on we will deal with problems like adults and stop running. He decided to declare that we werent sleeping until I had sex with him. I just kept stating my position and that I wasnt going to discuss it with him when he had been drinking but I would be more than happy to talk to him the next day before he started drinking. He turned on all the lights, took away my pillows, pulled off my covers and shook me if he thought I was going to sleep. I reminded him that I had to babysit for the first day at 7am, that I was getting sick, that I have FMS which makes sleep imperative and that I have a sick little girl to deal with on top of it all and I needed my sleep. He refused. At this point I went into my daughters room to sleep on the floor thinking he wouldnt cross that line....WRONG...he was so out of control he even went in there and turned on the overhead light. I quickly got up not wanting her to be woken up and said I would go back to our room if he would let me sleep and he agreed...ok not...he started again. This went on until 11:30 and he finally passed out.
He is home now, insisting that he cant work if I didnt tell him I loved him because he cant work knowing our relationship is a mess. I told him this wasnt about love or not it was about his behavior and the damage it caused. It is his choice weather he will work or not and I wasnt going to allow him to put that on me. I also refused to take responsibility for what he did Friday or last night. His theory is "if she would just....I wouldnt have to...." and that what happened last night wasnt abuse it was just an argument. I just kept telling him that he needed to own what he did and that I wasnt going to take it on like I used to. Now he is upstairs sleeping off last night and I am up with my three kids, one that just had her tonsicles out, and the new girl I babysit for trying to act like all is well for the kids sake.
I am proud of myself that I didnt give in and say what he wanted to hear just to end it. I really want to stick to this and not give in no matter what he does to me.
I pointed out to him this morning that he needs to deny what he did on Friday because he cant face who he is when drunk but that doesnt mean it didnt happen.
Just pray that I can keep up the focus on God and not my AH. Thats how I made it through last night and how I will make it today and so on and so on.
Just wanted to say what has been going on to people that will understand.
Sorry this was so long....
and the saga continues....
off to make pancakes for the kiddos
Melanie
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Malanie,
Deciding to set boundaries is good. Using ultimatums to make others do what we want is just another game. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex with someone who is drunk, but using it to make another person admit they were wrong, or act in a way we find acceptable is manipulation. I have tried it. It only leads to more problems.
I had to learn to truly let go of my expectations that my H was going to be the person I wanted him to be. I had to learn that boundaries are for me, not him. I don't want to have sex with someone who is messed up. But I don't use sex to make him change. That is his decision.
I have found that I can't make him change. If I expect that, I am going to be disappointed. There is a fine line between boundaries and manipulation. It has taken me a lot of work in Al-Anon to understand that. Sex is not a carrot I can use to make the alcoholic do what I want. It is an act that should be entered into with respect and enjoyment on both parts. If someone isn't capable of that, I don't have to go there. Sex is a wonderful thing, but it's not a necessity. I have the right to engage or not, but if I use it as a manipulation, I am not respecting the other person. I have to take responsibility for my part in things. Hugs, Magic
Deciding to set boundaries is good. Using ultimatums to make others do what we want is just another game. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex with someone who is drunk, but using it to make another person admit they were wrong, or act in a way we find acceptable is manipulation. I have tried it. It only leads to more problems.
I had to learn to truly let go of my expectations that my H was going to be the person I wanted him to be. I had to learn that boundaries are for me, not him. I don't want to have sex with someone who is messed up. But I don't use sex to make him change. That is his decision.
I have found that I can't make him change. If I expect that, I am going to be disappointed. There is a fine line between boundaries and manipulation. It has taken me a lot of work in Al-Anon to understand that. Sex is not a carrot I can use to make the alcoholic do what I want. It is an act that should be entered into with respect and enjoyment on both parts. If someone isn't capable of that, I don't have to go there. Sex is a wonderful thing, but it's not a necessity. I have the right to engage or not, but if I use it as a manipulation, I am not respecting the other person. I have to take responsibility for my part in things. Hugs, Magic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Black Creek, WI
Posts: 11
I am not using this for manipulation, I guess reading my post I can see how you would think that because I wasnt open about what happened Friday that started all this. Without getting into details he forced me against my protests. That is why I just cant be with him when he is drinking and until this is dealt with not just swept under the rug like all the other times.
I typically dont say no for the very reason that I dont want it to become a weapon but this time I had to for my own sanity and self respect.
Thanks for your support and reply though, its just nice sometimes to know others are, or have been where you are.
Melanie
I typically dont say no for the very reason that I dont want it to become a weapon but this time I had to for my own sanity and self respect.
Thanks for your support and reply though, its just nice sometimes to know others are, or have been where you are.
Melanie
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
((melanie))
I am glad that you know yourself well enough to realize that this is truly a boundary. Do take care of you. No one should ever allow themself to be abused, sexually or otherwise. Have you sought any help in dealing with this? Al-Anon, counselling? Please don't try to handle this alone. Of course we are here for you. Hugs, Magic
I am glad that you know yourself well enough to realize that this is truly a boundary. Do take care of you. No one should ever allow themself to be abused, sexually or otherwise. Have you sought any help in dealing with this? Al-Anon, counselling? Please don't try to handle this alone. Of course we are here for you. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Melanie -
It is great to know that others understand what you're going through. That's what great about this site - everyone can relate.
I think one important consideration in setting boundaries is determining what our goal is. From your post, it sounds like your goal is to make him admit he did something wrong and do something to fix it. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
If that's the case, in my experience, you're in a losing battle.
I have learned that I can only fix myself. I can't make him do anything - no matter what I say or do.
Hugs - L
It is great to know that others understand what you're going through. That's what great about this site - everyone can relate.
I think one important consideration in setting boundaries is determining what our goal is. From your post, it sounds like your goal is to make him admit he did something wrong and do something to fix it. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
If that's the case, in my experience, you're in a losing battle.
I have learned that I can only fix myself. I can't make him do anything - no matter what I say or do.
Hugs - L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Black Creek, WI
Posts: 11
Funny thing is that when I first started coming to this board and reading the articles he was all for detaching and leaving his drinking alone...that is until he realized that means I am now seeing that I am a human being worth at the very least the basic respect...now he doesnt want me going to Al-anon meetings.
Its ok though I am really doing well today surprisingly enough I dont feel any anger or anything I am just doing what I need to do and enjoying the kids....its almost weird...but I do like it : )
Its ok though I am really doing well today surprisingly enough I dont feel any anger or anything I am just doing what I need to do and enjoying the kids....its almost weird...but I do like it : )
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