Lonely
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 1
Lonely
I met my boyfriend about 8 months ago. Back in March I took him to detox instead of doing rehab he came home. He has now quite his job and still hasn't found one. I feel so alone like there's no one I can talk to. He went from drinking 24 beers to only drinking 4 beers, which is good. I don't know what is right to say or right to do. When he drinks to much it gets ugly and then he realizes what he has done and he apologizes. I love this man and know I do without a doubt. I want to help this man and be there for him. I just feel like I am all alone in this. Any advice or thoughts is appreciated.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Loving an alcoholic is a lonely thing. You are in the relationship alone. For him the alcohol comes first. So, he drinks and is unemployed? I take it you are supporting him? He gets drunk, is mean then apologizes. Keeps you unbalanced and walking on egg shells doesn't it? Welcome to the world of active alcoholism. It won't get better and definitely will get worse unless he quits completely forever. Trust me. I am a recovering alcoholic myself.
Does he want to quit? Has he ever gone too AA or rational recovery or any other program? Here's the thing unless he wants it you can't love him into good health. If a person could I never would have become alcoholic. I have been married 23 years. My husband's love wasn't enough.
Please stick around. Learn about alcoholism. Get support for you.
Does he want to quit? Has he ever gone too AA or rational recovery or any other program? Here's the thing unless he wants it you can't love him into good health. If a person could I never would have become alcoholic. I have been married 23 years. My husband's love wasn't enough.
Please stick around. Learn about alcoholism. Get support for you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR Llipps17!
I'm glad you posted. Read around and you will see you are not the only lonely person attached to an addict.
Pick up a copy or download Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It may help you determine why you are accepting a subpar relationship for yourself.
I'm glad you posted. Read around and you will see you are not the only lonely person attached to an addict.
Pick up a copy or download Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It may help you determine why you are accepting a subpar relationship for yourself.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Can you get to an Alanon meeting?
You want to help him, but supporting him financially while he does nothing but drink isn't good for either of you.
When you say "things get ugly" are you talking about verbal abuse? Name calling, insults, rants, that sort of thing. If he was really sorry, he would stop doing those things and address the underlying causes of his behavior. Because you're enabling his unacceptable drunken behavior, he has little incentive to change.
On the 4 beers instead of 24, he is probably drinking the same amount (possibly supplementing the 4 "public" beers with nips of hard liquor in secret) but has learned to hide most of his drinking so it seems like he's somehow controlling it.
You want to help him, but supporting him financially while he does nothing but drink isn't good for either of you.
When you say "things get ugly" are you talking about verbal abuse? Name calling, insults, rants, that sort of thing. If he was really sorry, he would stop doing those things and address the underlying causes of his behavior. Because you're enabling his unacceptable drunken behavior, he has little incentive to change.
On the 4 beers instead of 24, he is probably drinking the same amount (possibly supplementing the 4 "public" beers with nips of hard liquor in secret) but has learned to hide most of his drinking so it seems like he's somehow controlling it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, the 4 beers you see doesn't mean much. And even if that IS all he's drinking at the moment, that won't last long.
This is pretty much the best relationship you can hope for as long as he continues to drink. I know you love him, but is this how you want the rest of your life to look?
This is pretty much the best relationship you can hope for as long as he continues to drink. I know you love him, but is this how you want the rest of your life to look?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 21
Hi llips17. You are most certainly not alone, and being here on these boards is a great place to start. Anytime you feel alone, just log in and remember there are many others out there!
In addition to what others have said about going to Al-Anon and asking yourself some hard questions about where this relationship is going and why you are in it, I would just add that you feel lonely because that is the nature of this disease. No, you are not the alcoholic but you are sharing your life with one which means you get to enjoy all the effects of alcoholism (it's like the world's worst buy one, get one free sale).
The addiction dynamic is such that nothing comes in and nothing goes out. It's basically a vacuum. As long as you are sharing your life with this person, and he is in an active state of alcoholism (which he is, whether it's 4 or 24 beers), you will feel isolated and lonely. Because it's not a normal or healthy way to live, which I am sure you are already aware, and that is what really brought you here.
Hugs to you as you sort through this. Keep coming back!
In addition to what others have said about going to Al-Anon and asking yourself some hard questions about where this relationship is going and why you are in it, I would just add that you feel lonely because that is the nature of this disease. No, you are not the alcoholic but you are sharing your life with one which means you get to enjoy all the effects of alcoholism (it's like the world's worst buy one, get one free sale).
The addiction dynamic is such that nothing comes in and nothing goes out. It's basically a vacuum. As long as you are sharing your life with this person, and he is in an active state of alcoholism (which he is, whether it's 4 or 24 beers), you will feel isolated and lonely. Because it's not a normal or healthy way to live, which I am sure you are already aware, and that is what really brought you here.
Hugs to you as you sort through this. Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 2
Subpar relationship
Originally Posted by CodeJob 
Welcome to SR Llipps17!
I'm glad you posted. Read around and you will see you are not the only lonely person attached to an addict.
Pick up a copy or download Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It may help you determine why you are accepting a subpar relationship for yourself.
I'm glad you posted. Read around and you will see you are not the only lonely person attached to an addict.
Pick up a copy or download Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It may help you determine why you are accepting a subpar relationship for yourself.
I was dating a heavy daily drinker who decided to take a break from drink to set a lower tolerance. I thought he was setting himself up to get behind the same 8 ball. Did not say so. He says he knows he is not an A, I know he is. I know it isn't for anyone to say but him, but I know he struggles with his drinking, I know he suffered withdrawal when he hit pause, and I know that, the (few week) break being over, he struggles the same struggle even if he drinks less.
He complains about hitting his new limits, like, I was drunk last night, let's go easy on wine tonight. As he downs 2/3 the bottle and drives home. Also, Shoot, I drank hard liquor alone last night, here I am doing it again. I have only watched and listened to the mental chatter.
He gradually called me less as he began again, then not at all. We never had one disagreement, conflict or unkind word. Now he will text back if I text him, but no initiation, no asking to see me. It hurts terribly. What hurts most is, we were in relationship. I trusted we would raise anything that could harm us, and at least try to solve. Backing out unilaterally is not relationship. I feel manipulated...to either get so upset I am to end it, or just figure it out on my own. Either way, I clean up.
From reading here, I am trying to grasp that this very neglect (of duty and responsibility, if not of me as a person) is what you get from an addict. I perhaps would be blessed to just run vs try to perform relationship heroics, chasing after this person who I know is an addict. I try to tell myself, no matter how beautifully he holds it together and portrays his life, those closest will get hurt the most. Yes, he is a very HFA, one of those no one would suspect. It is very concealed. But seems to me, it is never contained...is it?
I read about the alcoholics further down the track, and those they love, and try to recall these Alcoholics are on the same train, whatever the stop. I can stay off. Is my thinking right?
Last edited by Upandaway; 07-14-2015 at 07:25 AM. Reason: Spelling
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 21
Upandaway:
Yes. To put it simply, you can stay off the 'train', ie, you can save only yourself. This is true, and at its core, it's really all you need to know. As simple as this sounds, it can be the hardest part - not only to comprehend (especially if you're used to 'saving' people you love, and this is normal to you) but to live each day. This simple truth is why many of are here, and in the rooms of Al-Anon every night.
No, the disease of addiction cannot be controlled, contained, concealed, etc. Even if it appears that it can, eventually, it will all fall apart. This is a progressive disease. Left untreated and unaddressed, it will only get worse.
It hurts when the addicts in our lives don't live up to our basic expectations, such as, asking how your day was, expressing love, etc. This is why managing our expectations is so important. I struggle with this daily, because I want things to be different. I want my dad to be 'normal.' I want my sister to be 'normal,' and for us to be able to do 'normal' things and have a 'normal' relationship. That's when I have to step back and remind myself that I am putting unrealistic expectations on people who are not capable of living up to them. This does not make it hurt less, but I deal with the hurt and grieve the loss of how I wish things were. I do this through therapy, Al-Anon, talking to supportive and understanding friends who care about me, love me, and actually ask how I'm doing (things I don't get from my addicted loved ones.)
I encourage you to continue on your journey to seek the wisdom and hope from these boards, Al-Anon, reading books by Melody Beattie about co-dependency, etc. You're in the right place. Keep coming back. Hugs!
Yes. To put it simply, you can stay off the 'train', ie, you can save only yourself. This is true, and at its core, it's really all you need to know. As simple as this sounds, it can be the hardest part - not only to comprehend (especially if you're used to 'saving' people you love, and this is normal to you) but to live each day. This simple truth is why many of are here, and in the rooms of Al-Anon every night.
No, the disease of addiction cannot be controlled, contained, concealed, etc. Even if it appears that it can, eventually, it will all fall apart. This is a progressive disease. Left untreated and unaddressed, it will only get worse.
It hurts when the addicts in our lives don't live up to our basic expectations, such as, asking how your day was, expressing love, etc. This is why managing our expectations is so important. I struggle with this daily, because I want things to be different. I want my dad to be 'normal.' I want my sister to be 'normal,' and for us to be able to do 'normal' things and have a 'normal' relationship. That's when I have to step back and remind myself that I am putting unrealistic expectations on people who are not capable of living up to them. This does not make it hurt less, but I deal with the hurt and grieve the loss of how I wish things were. I do this through therapy, Al-Anon, talking to supportive and understanding friends who care about me, love me, and actually ask how I'm doing (things I don't get from my addicted loved ones.)
I encourage you to continue on your journey to seek the wisdom and hope from these boards, Al-Anon, reading books by Melody Beattie about co-dependency, etc. You're in the right place. Keep coming back. Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 2
Subpar relationship
Originally Posted by Bern
Upandaway:
Yes. To put it simply, you can stay off the 'train', ie, you can save only yourself. This is true, and at its core, it's really all you need to know. As simple as this sounds, it can be the hardest part - not only to comprehend (especially if you're used to 'saving' people you love, and this is normal to you) but to live each day. This simple truth is why many of are here, and in the rooms of Al-Anon every night.
No, the disease of addiction cannot be controlled, contained, concealed, etc. Even if it appears that it can, eventually, it will all fall apart. This is a progressive disease. Left untreated and unaddressed, it will only get worse.
It hurts when the addicts in our lives don't live up to our basic expectations, such as, asking how your day was, expressing love, etc. This is why managing our expectations is so important. I struggle with this daily, because I want things to be different. I want my dad to be 'normal.' I want my sister to be 'normal,' and for us to be able to do 'normal' things and have a 'normal' relationship. That's when I have to step back and remind myself that I am putting unrealistic expectations on people who are not capable of living up to them. This does not make it hurt less, but I deal with the hurt and grieve the loss of how I wish things were. I do this through therapy, Al-Anon, talking to supportive and understanding friends who care about me, love me, and actually ask how I'm doing (things I don't get from my addicted loved ones.)
I encourage you to continue on your journey to seek the wisdom and hope from these boards, Al-Anon, reading books by Melody Beattie about co-dependency, etc. You're in the right place. Keep coming back. Hugs!
Yes. To put it simply, you can stay off the 'train', ie, you can save only yourself. This is true, and at its core, it's really all you need to know. As simple as this sounds, it can be the hardest part - not only to comprehend (especially if you're used to 'saving' people you love, and this is normal to you) but to live each day. This simple truth is why many of are here, and in the rooms of Al-Anon every night.
No, the disease of addiction cannot be controlled, contained, concealed, etc. Even if it appears that it can, eventually, it will all fall apart. This is a progressive disease. Left untreated and unaddressed, it will only get worse.
It hurts when the addicts in our lives don't live up to our basic expectations, such as, asking how your day was, expressing love, etc. This is why managing our expectations is so important. I struggle with this daily, because I want things to be different. I want my dad to be 'normal.' I want my sister to be 'normal,' and for us to be able to do 'normal' things and have a 'normal' relationship. That's when I have to step back and remind myself that I am putting unrealistic expectations on people who are not capable of living up to them. This does not make it hurt less, but I deal with the hurt and grieve the loss of how I wish things were. I do this through therapy, Al-Anon, talking to supportive and understanding friends who care about me, love me, and actually ask how I'm doing (things I don't get from my addicted loved ones.)
I encourage you to continue on your journey to seek the wisdom and hope from these boards, Al-Anon, reading books by Melody Beattie about co-dependency, etc. You're in the right place. Keep coming back. Hugs!
Thanks so much for your words, and sharing.
I guess what I am taking is, it's ok to maintain my expectations, just not of him. Since he is an addict, I can expect he is not going to meet them.
I also wondered if the retreating from relationship and lack of honesty, communication and responsibility sounded like the addiction.
Addiction sure appears to be selfish. I am sorry you have to cope with how you wish it could be, as I am coping with same. And glad you seem to do so well.
Last edited by Upandaway; 07-14-2015 at 09:24 AM. Reason: Revise comment
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