Liveitwell

Not pay child support, not see his kids, not be involved in their lives, say and do horrible things to his daughter? To guilt me with "I just wanted to be yours" as if that was going to save him? Is this normal alcoholic behavior?

Mind in overdrive tonight after therapy. :/

AnvilheadII

nope i would't attribute that to the disease, i would lay it at the feet of a self absorbed JERK tho.

what do you mean "horrible things to his daughter"?????

if you have a divorce decree with child support, then take the steps to enforce it. and i'd personally be glad he wasn't involved in the children's lives right now. he has nothing to offer.

amy55

What kind of therapy was this? Was he there?

Liveitwell

Read through my older threads-I discussed what my daughter has shared with me. Yes-there is a child support order in place. No-of course he wasn't at therapy-we are divorced and he only stuck in therapy a few weeks while we were married bc he doesbt want to truly address his issues. Which is why we are divorced!

I think maybe my struggles with our oldest (she's acting out again big time) is just creating stress which in turn makes my mind wander!!
Does that even make sense?!

Liveitwell

Anvil-I am happy about that-he has nothing positive to offer them at all at this time. Only he can change that.

happybeingme

If I had to generalize I would say it's a man thing. I have known countless men who behave the way your ex does. It's like they view child support and visitation as giving you something. They don't see that by withholding these things they are harming the kids. They can only see it as not giving you money or freedom.

My dad and I were super close until my parents divorced. Then he started teasing me and picking on me a lot as well. It crushed me. Things never got better between us. My dad is an alcoholic as well. I haven't seen him in 11 years nor spoken to him in 9. It has affected me my whole life. Please make sure your daughter is in therapy.

FeelingGreat

There is a type of lazy resentful, mainly men who would run for miles rather than look after their children. Divorce or separation means dropping the kids as well as the mother. Is it because they've never grown up, or are they just weak?
You could work at making him irrelevant to his children's life; it seems that while he's on the fringes he can only cause hurt.

dandylion

fourourgirls......From my experience, happybeingme is speaking a lot of truth on this matter......
Yes...it is hard to "generalize' about all behaviors because humans can be so individually different...and there are other pathologies that can be present along with the addiction to alcohol.
I have seen alcoholics do all of those things.....and I have seen people who never drank do all of those same things, also.
I do think that when alcoholism is present---that we lump everything under that heading........whether it belongs there or not.....
Certainly, the nature of the disease makes it easier and sometimes even necessary to be "blind" to the needs and feelings of other people.......Sometimes, to keep drinking...one has to lie and deny their own disgusting behaviors.

You ask a question that sounds simple enough...but, is actually quite complex to try to answer---or rather, explain.....

I doubt that this guy is ever going to change into what you would want him to be....

I am glad you are getting therapy for your daughter....and, I hope you will be able to show her a good dose of healthy relationships and positive male role modeling throughout her life.
There is a good selection of books on amazon.com which pertains to this very issue between daughters and fathers. I can't say that I have actually read them...but, you might want to take a look for yourself.....

dandylion

Liveitwell

^^ by "change into the man you want him to be" do you mean an accountable adult that works to get over his issues and stops drinking? Yes-you are correct-he is not going to be this person bc he just is not that person. Man is a generous term-boy would be more accurate.

Bern

Addicts regularly lie and manipulate and neglect and coerce and cheat and steal and abuse and, and, and.....
So, yes, in a sense, I would say that's 'normal.'
Doesn't make it any easier, does it?
Hugs.

LexieCat

I think the only thing "normal" for alcoholics is lying--and some lie only to themselves, and only about their drinking.

Alcoholics aren't famous for living up to their responsibilities in general, though, so it isn't all that surprising if they drop the ball on child support or use their resentments to justify not paying it. As pointed out, though, that kind of behavior isn't exclusive to alcoholics, nor does it describe behavior on the part of all alcoholics.