Need help placing boundaries
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 104
Need help placing boundaries
Am attempting to set up some boundaries with my ABF. He was sober for 8 years before he fell off the wagon. He hid the fact that he was drinking from me for 4.5 months. He has lost his job about to be evicted from his apartment and his daughter is probably gonna be living with his ex wife soon. Today he called me freaking out bc his landlord was talking about starting the eviction process. He said he thought for one moment going back to a shady lifestyle but decided he is ready to live a clean and sober lifestyle. I don t know what to think anymore usually am just quiet now bc i don t know how to be supportive or what to say. I did give him money to help out for living expenses even when i told him i would nt give him money anymore. I have decided to not do that anymore. Today he went to his parents house to figure out where he was going to be placing his stuff at (he is moving in with them) I fell asleep an didnt answer the phone for 2 hours and he called me 5 times and left 3 text messages tht were crazy. Talking about i must not want to be with him anymore etc etc. Anyhow, I see that he is becoming or is codep on me and i want to put up boundaries. I love him very much but i dont want to be around him acting like this. How do i Put up boundaries smh i feel like such a fool for even describing all of this because what idiot in their right mind would stay with a person who is like this.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by gcolema2 
How do i Put up boundaries smh i feel like such a fool for even describing all of this because what idiot in their right mind would stay with a person who is like this.
Seriously though only you can decide when you want to leave.
Healthy boundaries are good. As I understand it it's about figuring out what is acceptable FOR YOU, and then putting those boundaries in place.
You got this.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 91
How long have you been with this person?
When I came to these boards three years ago, there were many wise individuals here that had been through what I was going through at the time. Several suggested that I cut and run. I did not, and I wish I had. Instead, I stuck around for three more years and am now dealing with ending a relationship where we lived together and shared so much of our lives.
That said, you'll be done when you're done. And remember - you are strong enough to do whatever you need to do for you. Everything WILL BE OKAY.
When I came to these boards three years ago, there were many wise individuals here that had been through what I was going through at the time. Several suggested that I cut and run. I did not, and I wish I had. Instead, I stuck around for three more years and am now dealing with ending a relationship where we lived together and shared so much of our lives.
That said, you'll be done when you're done. And remember - you are strong enough to do whatever you need to do for you. Everything WILL BE OKAY.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
I agree with Carmen....We have all felt like an idiot at one point or another, don't beat yourself up.
I want you to ask yourself a question.. What kind of grown man would ask/accept money from a woman? You are not married to him, you owe him nothing. Is there a reason why he cannot work? Other than his alcoholism does he have some sort of disability that is preventing him from getting a job?
I am assuming from your post that he has custody of his daughter? If he is drinking it is probably a good thing that she goes to her Mom.
I don't mean to sound harsh so please don't take it that way but unfortunately he has created his own mess and he alone needs to clean it up. You are not helping him by helping him, got that? If he is truly ready to "Live a clean and sober lifestyle" then its time for him to get at it.
Please do yourself a favor and take a step back from the situation. I know it hurts but you are not doing yourself any good by getting into the mix of things. I don't think any of us can tell you what boundaries you need to put up, only you can answer that. What would you tell your best friend if she came to you with this? Be your own best friend and do what's good for YOU. Hang in there...BIG HUG to you....
I want you to ask yourself a question.. What kind of grown man would ask/accept money from a woman? You are not married to him, you owe him nothing. Is there a reason why he cannot work? Other than his alcoholism does he have some sort of disability that is preventing him from getting a job?
I am assuming from your post that he has custody of his daughter? If he is drinking it is probably a good thing that she goes to her Mom.
I don't mean to sound harsh so please don't take it that way but unfortunately he has created his own mess and he alone needs to clean it up. You are not helping him by helping him, got that? If he is truly ready to "Live a clean and sober lifestyle" then its time for him to get at it.
Please do yourself a favor and take a step back from the situation. I know it hurts but you are not doing yourself any good by getting into the mix of things. I don't think any of us can tell you what boundaries you need to put up, only you can answer that. What would you tell your best friend if she came to you with this? Be your own best friend and do what's good for YOU. Hang in there...BIG HUG to you....
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Yeah most of us have been or currently are idiots LOL.
I guess you need to decide what you are willing to deal with which doesn't sound like much. As he was sober for 8 years already my boundary would be that I couldn't be around him unless he was in a program actively working recovery.
I guess you need to decide what you are willing to deal with which doesn't sound like much. As he was sober for 8 years already my boundary would be that I couldn't be around him unless he was in a program actively working recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 104
The man I met would've never took money from me honestly. Am not offended I actually respect honest to the fullest. If am honest with myself I want to take 2 giant steps and tell him to get his stuff together. It's been so sad to watch his descent to the bottom of the barrel. Usually am very logically when it comes to the matters of the heart. Am struggling right now honestly. I can't take the negativity and the oh woes is me anymore though. Ugh I hate being so f*cking conflicted
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Hi G, he didn't talk about wanting a clean and sober life until his landlord started the eviction process. This tells you something.
It's a pity his parents have taken him in, because now he has had a reprieve he'll probably delay the clean and sober life until they get fed up and evict him as well.
Every time you help him, you could be prolonging this episode of drinking. He's been sober before, and he can find his way back there if he has enough incentive.
It's a pity his parents have taken him in, because now he has had a reprieve he'll probably delay the clean and sober life until they get fed up and evict him as well.
Every time you help him, you could be prolonging this episode of drinking. He's been sober before, and he can find his way back there if he has enough incentive.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
You love the man, but not the alcoholic. The first step that may be helpful for you in setting boundaries is to view him as two distinct persons - the man you love, and the alcoholic.
The first boundary that may be helpful is to decide you will no longer attend to the alcoholic. When you plan time together, make it clear that you want to spend time with your boyfriend, which means the man you love that doesn't drink. Remove yourself from the environment if he decides to drink, or start drinking, when you're around. One big enabler is accepting his active drinking when you are spending time with him, even if you are not physically encouraging him to drink.
This is a hard thing to do, but it gets easier over time. If you do this, then you will have the power to show him actual consequences from his actions. If the alcoholic faces no consequence, then he has no incentive to quit.
The first boundary that may be helpful is to decide you will no longer attend to the alcoholic. When you plan time together, make it clear that you want to spend time with your boyfriend, which means the man you love that doesn't drink. Remove yourself from the environment if he decides to drink, or start drinking, when you're around. One big enabler is accepting his active drinking when you are spending time with him, even if you are not physically encouraging him to drink.
This is a hard thing to do, but it gets easier over time. If you do this, then you will have the power to show him actual consequences from his actions. If the alcoholic faces no consequence, then he has no incentive to quit.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 17
I think it is a blessing you are not living with him. So you have immediate choices--which I did not because I was in the same household as my ABH and the police told me I would have to undertake eviction procedures (months) to remove him from the home. But you are free to choose someone else who does not have a drinking problem. I thought I loved my ABF too, but realized the person I did NOT love was myself, and so I stuck with someone whom I was enabling (codependent) and whose drinking was extremely detrimental to my health. Seven years later . . . he is finally gone. I should have had more self-love to stand up to the situation years before. I can't get those years back.
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