Self acceptance and self esteem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Self acceptance and self esteem
I'm tired of how I feel about myself, and I'm tired of the lingering thought that maybe exabf was how he was because I wasn't good enough.
I am currently reading Codependent No More, and my question is:
Has anyone any suggestions on how to improve your self esteem?
I had already wrote in here that my father is an A, and that a guy I had a crush on when I was 15 basically told me I was ugly.
I had to get real and the truth is that I still seem to feel like every guy treats me a certain way because "I'm ugly".
It's hard for me to fully admit this as a part of my thinking /reasoning when it comes to men. Since that guy when I was 15, all I think is that men pursue me because they can't get something better.
And when I see them with someone whom I see as more beautiful, well, my thoughts seem to be confirmed.
... again, I am a little embarrassed to admit that... But it is true and I want to change it.
I always seem to find attractiveness in people, but I see myself as not pleasant to watch.
How do I start to change this, as it seems to be an important issue within my way of thinking?
I do not wish to get to know more guys. I wish to change this before I even think of dating someone else.
Thanks
I am currently reading Codependent No More, and my question is:
Has anyone any suggestions on how to improve your self esteem?
I had already wrote in here that my father is an A, and that a guy I had a crush on when I was 15 basically told me I was ugly.
I had to get real and the truth is that I still seem to feel like every guy treats me a certain way because "I'm ugly".
It's hard for me to fully admit this as a part of my thinking /reasoning when it comes to men. Since that guy when I was 15, all I think is that men pursue me because they can't get something better.
And when I see them with someone whom I see as more beautiful, well, my thoughts seem to be confirmed.
... again, I am a little embarrassed to admit that... But it is true and I want to change it.
I always seem to find attractiveness in people, but I see myself as not pleasant to watch.
How do I start to change this, as it seems to be an important issue within my way of thinking?
I do not wish to get to know more guys. I wish to change this before I even think of dating someone else.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you are doing well to get to the CORE of your issues.....it just doesn't come without any pain.
you are an ACOA - Adult Child of an Alcoholic - and that creates a lot of internal distress and a skewed view of the world AND yourself. and it can take a long time to come to peace with. we grow up with some many lies and half truths and disappointments and dysfunction.....we are told not to SEE what we SEE, not to KNOW what we KNOW.
that punk when you were 15.....was not WORTHY of all that goodness and kindness and beauty that you truly are. teenage boys can be very cruel as they try to assert their "manhood" and their "ego".
i will tell you now...........HE WAS WRONG. it's ok if you don't believe that yet.........but i want you to begin to change those tapes that play in your head. when they start up, tell them STOP, that is no longer MY TRUTH.
there are always more "beautiful" people.....at least physically. women with bigger boobs, smaller waists, more sculpted faces, longer legs. same as with any litter of puppies......they are ALL different. WE are all different.
what matters is what we each do with the GIFTS we have been given. our minds, our creativity, our hearts, our souls.
don't let anyone else define you. don't try to fit into a box or a type or a fad. be YOU. find you. whether you wear a size 2 or a size 20. our bodies are just the support system that carries us around.....the exoskeleton. learn to love and appreciate ALL of it. you are a precious child of the universe, unique and special.
you are an ACOA - Adult Child of an Alcoholic - and that creates a lot of internal distress and a skewed view of the world AND yourself. and it can take a long time to come to peace with. we grow up with some many lies and half truths and disappointments and dysfunction.....we are told not to SEE what we SEE, not to KNOW what we KNOW.
that punk when you were 15.....was not WORTHY of all that goodness and kindness and beauty that you truly are. teenage boys can be very cruel as they try to assert their "manhood" and their "ego".
i will tell you now...........HE WAS WRONG. it's ok if you don't believe that yet.........but i want you to begin to change those tapes that play in your head. when they start up, tell them STOP, that is no longer MY TRUTH.
there are always more "beautiful" people.....at least physically. women with bigger boobs, smaller waists, more sculpted faces, longer legs. same as with any litter of puppies......they are ALL different. WE are all different.
what matters is what we each do with the GIFTS we have been given. our minds, our creativity, our hearts, our souls.
don't let anyone else define you. don't try to fit into a box or a type or a fad. be YOU. find you. whether you wear a size 2 or a size 20. our bodies are just the support system that carries us around.....the exoskeleton. learn to love and appreciate ALL of it. you are a precious child of the universe, unique and special.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Tth... I don't know if you're a very spiritual person but imagine the things you say to yourself about not being "good enough" or "pretty enough"... Imagine saying that to God who created you. Don't you think that would hurt His feelings? You are VERY special and unique and loved as a precious child of God. For the imbeciles on earth that are dumb enough to spout off dumb things about people that are so superficial and they are so clueless about the grand scheme of things, well, you should maybe feel a bit sorry for THEM. You are a beautiful person inside AND out!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Here's something to think about--what attracts people. For some sorry souls, it really IS all about the package. I once had a boss who broke up with someone because her hair wasn't "soft" enough. He literally had a list of traits a woman had to have before he would date her. It's a very immature outlook.
For most people, though, it's a combination of looks and the less-visible characteristics. Don't you sometimes find a guy appealing (even though he has acne scars, or is a little bit on the heavy/skinny side) because of his great smile that makes you feel special? Or his goofy laugh that makes you laugh, too? Or just overall sweetness? Men find similar qualities appealing. They might "rank" people based on looks, but the majority are attracted (or not) by the overall package. And you don't have to be attractive to EVERYBODY. There will always be people who just aren't attracted by your specific personality type--which doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, just that you aren't a good "fit" for that person. The same thing that puts one person off will often be part of the attraction for someone else.
I suspect you'd be just as upset/put off if you had run into your ex with a girl markedly LESS attractive than you. "What's she got that I don't have?" It doesn't pay to ask those kinds of questions--especially not as to some guy who treated you like crap.
For most people, though, it's a combination of looks and the less-visible characteristics. Don't you sometimes find a guy appealing (even though he has acne scars, or is a little bit on the heavy/skinny side) because of his great smile that makes you feel special? Or his goofy laugh that makes you laugh, too? Or just overall sweetness? Men find similar qualities appealing. They might "rank" people based on looks, but the majority are attracted (or not) by the overall package. And you don't have to be attractive to EVERYBODY. There will always be people who just aren't attracted by your specific personality type--which doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, just that you aren't a good "fit" for that person. The same thing that puts one person off will often be part of the attraction for someone else.
I suspect you'd be just as upset/put off if you had run into your ex with a girl markedly LESS attractive than you. "What's she got that I don't have?" It doesn't pay to ask those kinds of questions--especially not as to some guy who treated you like crap.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
This may sound "hokey" but self-esteem requires avoiding negative self-talk and increasing positive self-talk. Start every morning by saying something positive about yourself. "I am a good..(fill in the blank)" It could be I am a good sister, mother, bowler, cook, pet owner, co-worker. And every night before bed say "I am proud of the (fill in the blank with something positive) today. So "I am proud of the great job I did cooking dinner today", or "I am proud that I got up and walked my dogs 2 miles today".
Self-esteem requires constant reinforcement even if you have to point out small tasks to yourself at first. The hope is that these positive self-thoughts start creeping into all different parts of your day.
I have very good self-esteem at this point in my life. But it took telling myself that I was good. And trust me. some days my positives sounded like "I am proud of myself that I didn't haul off and deck that woman who cut in front of me today!" And, " I am proud of myself that I got out of bed and took a shower today." Some days are rougher than others but it all starts with getting the positive in and keeping the negative out. Good luck.
Self-esteem requires constant reinforcement even if you have to point out small tasks to yourself at first. The hope is that these positive self-thoughts start creeping into all different parts of your day.
I have very good self-esteem at this point in my life. But it took telling myself that I was good. And trust me. some days my positives sounded like "I am proud of myself that I didn't haul off and deck that woman who cut in front of me today!" And, " I am proud of myself that I got out of bed and took a shower today." Some days are rougher than others but it all starts with getting the positive in and keeping the negative out. Good luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Has anyone any suggestions on how to improve your self esteem?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
After 1 1/2 years of, 4 times a week (alanon and open AA meetings), and nightly visits to SR, I regained my confidence and self esteem that I had when I was a young girl. Not sure at what time in my life, I gave that to him, but I did. Never again will I ever give any person my "respect and dignity"
My life is completely different then it was. I had to survive, and hold my chin up high. Slowly I would lift my head higher and higher. I will not tell you that I don't miss my XAH, but I would NEVER go back into that same situation with anyone. I pray everyday that he grows up, sobers up and works a program!!
When you are living it, you have no idea how warped your life had/has become. When I look back now, I shake my head.
All I say is give it time. Work a program, or many programs. If you want it badly enough it will happen. I read in an Alanon book that a big strong oak tree did not grow in a day.
My life is completely different then it was. I had to survive, and hold my chin up high. Slowly I would lift my head higher and higher. I will not tell you that I don't miss my XAH, but I would NEVER go back into that same situation with anyone. I pray everyday that he grows up, sobers up and works a program!!
When you are living it, you have no idea how warped your life had/has become. When I look back now, I shake my head.
All I say is give it time. Work a program, or many programs. If you want it badly enough it will happen. I read in an Alanon book that a big strong oak tree did not grow in a day.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I went to a wedding this weekend. My niece was there, actually we picked her up and drove down together. When the food was being served (buffet style) she got her food and went to a table where she was the only one there.
It was like she wants to be around other people, but doesn't feel good enough about herself to do this.
Don't know why I am telling you this. Her cousins went over to her. Said, you know there is plenty of room at our table for you. See she was isolating herself, and feeling like she was not good enough for anyone. No one else saw that, they loved her for who she is.
I am crying as I write this. She was/is a drug addict. Clean for 2 years. Still feeling like everyone is looking down on her, felt that way her entire life. Like she is not good enough.
She is a beautiful person, and so are you.
I look for your threads all the time when I come here, perhaps I don't respond, because sometimes I don't know how to. You have gone thru many tough times, and I think I was just not in a position to be helpful or positive. Guess you were talking about things that were foreign to me, or I wish they were foreign to me.
Your posts really weren't foreign to me. It was things that I just didn't want to think about or discuss.
I, for one think you are an extremely awesome person.
Your posts help me so much in my own life.
Thank you
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
It was like she wants to be around other people, but doesn't feel good enough about herself to do this.
Don't know why I am telling you this. Her cousins went over to her. Said, you know there is plenty of room at our table for you. See she was isolating herself, and feeling like she was not good enough for anyone. No one else saw that, they loved her for who she is.
I am crying as I write this. She was/is a drug addict. Clean for 2 years. Still feeling like everyone is looking down on her, felt that way her entire life. Like she is not good enough.
She is a beautiful person, and so are you.
I look for your threads all the time when I come here, perhaps I don't respond, because sometimes I don't know how to. You have gone thru many tough times, and I think I was just not in a position to be helpful or positive. Guess you were talking about things that were foreign to me, or I wish they were foreign to me.
Your posts really weren't foreign to me. It was things that I just didn't want to think about or discuss.
I, for one think you are an extremely awesome person.
Your posts help me so much in my own life.
Thank you
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I too am an ACOA and have struggled my entire life with not being good enough and using men to validate me-huh, well duh, my dad is an alcoholic and was horribly abusive at times and blamed his drinking on me. It's taken thousands of dollars in therapy, self searching, Gods grace and finally marrying and divorcing an alcoholic that I loved to his core to finally come to peace with myself. We learn not to trust ourselves but trust me on this, there is nothjng wrong with you and you asking these questions is where healing begins! Peace to you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I read a lot of books about self esteem and about building my CORE values and belief system. I worked with a counselor and I have been in Al Anon for 3 years. I still struggle with not feeling 'good enough' and with fears of abandonment and of being rejected. I always remember that saying, "You've been rejected by a reject" when referring to how my dad used to blast me or tell me they should have aborted me.
But, today when those feelings creep back in, I find that reaching out to my friends in program or journaling and writing to my HP always seem to bring me to acceptance and help me realize just how unique I am and how much I have to offer the world. For me to get to this place, I had to develop new habits and constantly replace the old tapes with new ones of affirmations and joy. It takes actual commitment and many days I struggle but I know that it's the habits and thinking patterns I am using on a daily basis that help me build my self confidence. Self care is key and asking yourself, "What have I done for me today?"
I've been dating a very confident and successful man these past few months and he told me that he doesn't date women with low self esteem or low self worth and that he's dumped women before for showing signs of neediness or insecurity. He hasn't seen those things in me (as far as I know since he's talked about what we're buying each other for Christmas at this point, LOL) and I am so grateful to program and to SR and to my Higher Power for helping me see myself in a more positive light.
Other than Codependent No More, I've found that books on love addiction were very helpful. I also enjoyed reading the book called(or something along these lines), "Why Men Like Bitches" but the BITCH is an acronym for Babe In Total Control of Herself. I actually found it to be a very empowering book in understanding why self confidence and being responsible for oneself is so important, not just to men, but to us as individuals. Highly recommend reading it if you are looking to date or get into relationships in the future.
You've gotten some wonderful words of advice from others on the board and I want to second all that they said. You are a beautiful woman, no matter your shape, your size, your brain power, your financial situation, etc. You are worthy of love.
But, today when those feelings creep back in, I find that reaching out to my friends in program or journaling and writing to my HP always seem to bring me to acceptance and help me realize just how unique I am and how much I have to offer the world. For me to get to this place, I had to develop new habits and constantly replace the old tapes with new ones of affirmations and joy. It takes actual commitment and many days I struggle but I know that it's the habits and thinking patterns I am using on a daily basis that help me build my self confidence. Self care is key and asking yourself, "What have I done for me today?"
I've been dating a very confident and successful man these past few months and he told me that he doesn't date women with low self esteem or low self worth and that he's dumped women before for showing signs of neediness or insecurity. He hasn't seen those things in me (as far as I know since he's talked about what we're buying each other for Christmas at this point, LOL) and I am so grateful to program and to SR and to my Higher Power for helping me see myself in a more positive light.
Other than Codependent No More, I've found that books on love addiction were very helpful. I also enjoyed reading the book called(or something along these lines), "Why Men Like Bitches" but the BITCH is an acronym for Babe In Total Control of Herself. I actually found it to be a very empowering book in understanding why self confidence and being responsible for oneself is so important, not just to men, but to us as individuals. Highly recommend reading it if you are looking to date or get into relationships in the future.
You've gotten some wonderful words of advice from others on the board and I want to second all that they said. You are a beautiful woman, no matter your shape, your size, your brain power, your financial situation, etc. You are worthy of love.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
You're so young yet TTH, and I know that part of what helped my self-esteem growing process was my exposure to life experiences. College, new people, travels to new places, different jobs, etc. all helped expose me to more & more & as I experienced, survived & achieved I recognized my confidence growing incrementally along as well.
Positive self-talk is a simple, perfect way to start. It's breaking the process down to the most basic level of loving yourself - actually looking yourself in the eye in the mirror & verbally saying that you love yourself & reasons why. There is a simple, fast read on this called "Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It" that you might like as a jumping off point. I think I even have an old free .pdf version I had gotten of it originally if anyone is interested in a copy. (It was available for free online for a while)
I just watched this TED talk over the weekend. He presented self-confidence as a skill & insists that like ANY other skill in life, you can achieve it with enough practice & persistence. His approach is that it needs to be prioritized into your self-care just like physical exercise.
Watch "TEDxRyersonU - Dr. Ivan Joseph -- The Skill of Self Confidence" Video at TEDxTalks
Positive self-talk is a simple, perfect way to start. It's breaking the process down to the most basic level of loving yourself - actually looking yourself in the eye in the mirror & verbally saying that you love yourself & reasons why. There is a simple, fast read on this called "Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It" that you might like as a jumping off point. I think I even have an old free .pdf version I had gotten of it originally if anyone is interested in a copy. (It was available for free online for a while)
I just watched this TED talk over the weekend. He presented self-confidence as a skill & insists that like ANY other skill in life, you can achieve it with enough practice & persistence. His approach is that it needs to be prioritized into your self-care just like physical exercise.
Watch "TEDxRyersonU - Dr. Ivan Joseph -- The Skill of Self Confidence" Video at TEDxTalks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Thanks all, I'm really grateful for all your support and for the great advice you offered me here.
I already started yesterday with trying to change my thinking patterns about myself. I am also going to have a haircut, haha. It might sound silly, but I think this will also help a bit, since I've been wanting to do it for a long time.
As for the books, I already checked that one about "why men love bitches" long ago....
I am interested in a copy of the one that you mentioned, FireSprite!
And thanks for the Ted talk vid, I love many of those.
I also decided that I'm going to start to do some altruism and meditation.
Thanks - again - for all the responses!
:-))))
I already started yesterday with trying to change my thinking patterns about myself. I am also going to have a haircut, haha. It might sound silly, but I think this will also help a bit, since I've been wanting to do it for a long time.
As for the books, I already checked that one about "why men love bitches" long ago....
I am interested in a copy of the one that you mentioned, FireSprite!
And thanks for the Ted talk vid, I love many of those.
I also decided that I'm going to start to do some altruism and meditation.
Thanks - again - for all the responses!
:-))))
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