PohsFriend

The old-timers here know my tale pretty well, I first arrived here when my then girlfriend and now beloved bride was circling the drain 3.5 years ago.

We were lucky, my wife got better. She got into AA and after a couple slips she attacked AA like her life depended on it because it did. 9 months into recovery she went up to get a new 24 hour chip and walked up to get it 7 months pregnant not caring what the 100 or so eyes staring at her thought. If I live to be 100 I will never see anyone that brave again.

We've had some ups and downs but mostly ups and most of our downs were not due to the beast but it was normal **** you'd expect from two stubborn newlyweds. ...but we were happy.

Our boat got rocked hard last fall. A new sponsor had the brilliant notion that my wife should stop taking her medication - the meds a psychiatrist who specializes in treating dual-diagnosis addicts had balanced out so carefully. Makes sense really, WTF does a doctor who has studied brain chemistry know? Hey if you've been a meth addict and have a theory you are more qualified to give advice right? That six month rollercoaster was tough but after some scary near misses, a little ambien abuse and a return to the AA program she turned it back around and is working harder than ever.

A funny thing happened along the way though... as she went sane I went a little nuts. I did not need al-anon or a program... I wasn't the alcoholic and my beloved alcoholic wasn't drinking. I was not aware that I had stuffed it all down and not talked to a soul about it and did not see anxiety and depression taking hold of my own mind until the day my wife left about a month ago. I got to see rock bottom close up, nose pressed against it face down close. I'm climbing out of it now. She isn't back home but she does come home. She leaves me notes, she got past the anger and when she realized I wasn't just an ******* but that I had made myself quite sick she dropped the wall and has made it clear that she wants the man she loves back - but just as I would not let her come home til she got help three years ago she isn't coming home until she sees me do the work and stick to it. My selfish nature resents it, the better part of me that is finally learning to surrender and realize that I'm powerless and my life became unmanageable knows she probably saved me. Like I said, I took one hell of a leap of faith marrying an alcoholic in year one of recovery but it was the best choice I ever made.

Two weeks after my wife left I thought she'd never come back and I well... snapped. I'd always gotten by on being blessed with a pretty strong mind and the ability to outwork anyone around me... God realized that was in the way I suppose but depression will take those gifts away. Long story short every which way I turned trying it my way I got kicked in the teeth until I quit fighting and surrendered and now it's coming back together. I know God exists, he kicked the hell out of me - literally - and I'm terrified of trying a damned thing my way, he can drive now. I'm in al-anon and have a sponsor. I did not realize that those 100 or more open AA meetings I went to over three years were for me as much as for her but when I slammed into the bottom I knew what to do because my wife... that beautiful helper God sent my way who well-meaning friends here once referred to as a 'train wreck' had shown me what AA/Al-Anon can do to a person and where she had faith i had evidence... I was more proud and needed it.

I want to let you newcomers know there is hope. You can't cure it or control it and you did not cause it but you can be happy and sane if you are smart. Get into your own program and don't stuff a 45 year bag of **** down inside you and think it won't eventually come out - with force. AA taught my wife to clear out resentments and deal with things EVERY day, one day at a time. She gets her 3 year chip next month. When she got her second she credited me with providing the love and support she needed to make it through the hard times and thanked me for not giving up, please pray that next month she can thank God that my own recovery is progressing one day at a time and that the man who won her heart is back and fighting to earn it back.

Yesterday was a big day for us. She was tired of keeping me at arms length and had come over to talk and we talked for 12 hours and I realized how many unresolved hurts we brought into our marriage because we hadn't resolved them. Then she let me hold her and I began the slow process of making amends and we slept in each other's arms for 16 hours.... and how to say it... no it was not a sexually induced coma. She's not returning to our marriage just yet but I know that she will. She loves me with all of her heart but she does not put her sobriety at risk any longer, I was quite literally driving her batty as I slipped further into a depression I did not see after her 'near miss', my mother dying (Yes, my mommy issues would make Freud **** the bed) and a professional setback that left me devastated and jobless despite the fact that my boss was walked out the next week when I turned over evidence of fraud he had threatened me to keep quiet about. .

Message: Don't be proud, I thought I was smarter than the rest of you for a long time. Whoopsie. Man that was a long fall from the top of my ego to the bottom of the pit and it's really really HARD when you hit it.

For all that my problems are so small I am ashamed that I've been whining. I will get through this and we will be OK. One thing we learned over the past 4 years is that no matter how hard we try to screw it up, we love each other more intimately and deeply than we would have believed possible. At our best we reveal our worst fears and insecurities to one another and find acceptance and forgiveness and peace and all I can do to explain it is tell you to read what God says about a wife. She's better. The night a few weeks ago when I thought she'd never come home and never love me again I was sitting outside cuddling my son into the carseat in her car - packed with another load of her things to go to the spare room at her brothers and it was killing me.... she was taking forever. When she finally drove away I went inside and cried again, splashed some cold water on my face and looked in the mirror where she'd written "I love you" with a big lipstick kiss as punctuation. On my computer keyboard was a note with Faith, Hope, Love and another smooch. She made it clear that she loved me and not to give up and she is not trying to hurt me. How she knew I was at the breaking point where pride was ready to ffight back I don't know but our inside joke is "We've met". She knows my every thought, can read my poker face like it is 50Point bold type and she loves me like I love her. We will be OK and we will win.

But some don't. Today while I was getting a full psych eval (Depression and Anxiety, not totally out of my tree as I'd feared) I got a note from her that the sponsee whom she had refused to work with 6 months ago because the girl refused to be honest and kept using was in the hospital. She is brain dead. Tomorrow they will take her off life support. We are reminded tonight that this disease never goes away, it is there everyday, present in our lives and waiting for her to get careless or think she has it beat. We know this girl well, she's a dear friend. My wife was conflicted about pulling back from her but she told her then that she can't be around anyone using, ever, because it puts her at risk. I know the husband quite well, we'e spent hours in the past talking about the fear of just this. I've had a tough time but he woke up today in my nightmare and my main goal right now is to grab him by the ankles and make sure he doesn't go after her. We have two kids, 12 and 16 to help and support while they make sense of what happened.

I'm a bit of a downer tonight but we don't come here out of joy, it is sorrow that leads us here, hope that keeps us here and at times it is the stark reminder that we will always be one moment away from needing this place that makes us think, learn and surrender more of our will over to God and pray that He has the answers to questions we just can't put into words.

My problems are small tonight. Wife just texted that she should have stayed here. She is sad. In the past I would have insisted she run right back here when she said not to come get her.. Tonight I just asked her to pray and let God decide and not to let her pride get in the way if he tells her to come let me comfort her and if she writes in 30 minutes and says she is good there I won't be angry. She's alive. Our problems are small.

Take a moment to think about what you are angry and resentful about tonight. If that Alcoholic you want to strangle had another 12 hours to show brain activity before they began calling in the organ donor team would that last fight matter? Is there something you haven't forgiven them for that hurts them. Tonight I am remembering about 100 things I could not live with not apologizing for or forgiving her for. After I hit submit on this I will list them and give them to her. God gave me that chance and a reminder that 'someday' might not be so this is no time to **** around with pride and ego. What past hurt would matter if you don't get tomorrow?

_________
Continuation.... I wrote that last night and stopped when my wife texted to say she was sad and should have stayed here. I offered to come get her but she declined so I suggested she pray and don't think, just wait an hour and whatever God put on her heart to just tell me. 20 minutes later I got a note that she was on her way.

I think seeing what happened to her friend moved us both. She still needs to see me change, I still have lots to do and so does she but we went a month without the comfort of waking in our lover's arms til this morning. We are both feeling much more whole today because we simply put everything else aside - pride, hurt, 'the score', and simply chose to love each other and trust that God will help us figure out the rest if we listen.

Our friend was taken off life support this morning. Her husband is shattered. Her children may never heal fully from this. My beloved is angry and sad and hurt and confused and angry all at once with her friend, a girl we loved dearly, another kind soul taken too early from this brutal disease.

For those struggling today I hope this makes you think. If you are battling fear and hurt and you want to forgive but are afraid to maybe it's a good time to imagine what my friend is going through today. He will never be able to take back a word he said in anger when his wife was drinking or using. He can't tell her how much he loves her. He can't tell her she is forgiven.

My wife has done some things that seemed like a big deal at the time. Today I held her and told her I was sorry and thanked her for not giving up on me, I forgave her for any time when her best wasn't as strong as she wanted it to be. We forgave ourselves for past failures and committed to work harder, listen more, invite God in and ask him to figure out what we can't.

I'm thankful. I've got some serious ****-shovelling to do in the weeks and months ahead. I didn't hit rock boittom in a week and I won't dig out in a month. Like her, I will have to work daily, consistently and permanently to change, grow and be a better friend, husband, father and person. I will need to be kinder to myself, ask for help, accept help with humility and not be so damned proud. I can do those things. I had a look at my future if I don't and it scared the ever loving **** out of me.

But it's a new day, I woke up with the woman I love next to me, made love to her while staring into her eyes and seeing nothing but love and acceptance staring back and I remembered the three words that sustained me when I was at the very bottom. Faith, Hope, Love. Seems like a pretty good place to start a comeback story from.

I love you guys. Even the ones I don't know and I don't care if you are the alcoholic, the partner or both because we share a difficult challenge and when it seems too damned hard we need to know that others out there are making it through the worst times and finding better days ahead. If you are reading this and the person you love is still alive then all things remain possible. For some dear friends of mine that is no longer true today. I cry for them and selfishly thank God that it was them, not us... but for His grace it could just as easily be them pitying us today.

I hope this helps just one person find hope, forgiveness, humility or the strength to hold on to or find Faith today. Faith, Hope, Love... This disease cannot take those from us if we refuse to give them away.


For those that remember me as a regular there are two big differences in this post and the others. The first is the word "God", the other is everything else about my perspective. I was never a god guy. Wanted to be but could not find him. My sponsor said that was fine, figure out my own understanding and trust in God as I understood him and pray out loud in the meantime. The next day I realized i've never felt God's presence but i have felt my father's since he passed 20 years ago then it hit me. i can talk to him, he can talk to God and get back to me. I tried that... oddly now I'm not thinking about my dad and I feel God helping. It really sucked when I didn't but there's nothing like being out of other options to open your heart up to new ones ;-)

Hang in there guys. It ain't over yet.

redatlanta

Hey Pohs! Welcome back. Always loved your writings. Good to hear things are getting back to where they need to be.

So sorry about your friend. The God thing....when I found him, really found him (during and after RAH relapse), is when life changed, for the better.

PohsFriend

Yeah I really feel bad for God, this wasn't fun for him. every time I tried to get up on my own he just sighed and said "this really is for your own good" and down came the hammer. I am one pigheaded arrogant sonofabith ...or was. Took three years to see who the sick one was around here but ...ooopsie.

I have nothing in this world to complain about and so much to be thankful for. I appreciate you guys being patient while I learned the hard part.

redatlanta

LOL well...... Perfect one here....Not.

Pretty amazing what happens when you let go and let the big man drive.

Sara21

Thank you for the update. Your honesty, gratitude and humility shine through and I'm sure they play a big part in your recovery. So often we read about families being torn apart, it is so nice to hear of a family finding their way back together.

Wishing you and your family the very best!

PohsFriend

Thank you Sara, those words mean a lot right now.

Humility isn't very comfortable at first but it's amazing what can occur in your heart and your marriage when you drop the rope and start looking for your part in the problem and stop assuming the other person is picking on you.

That's a long post my brain has to sort out still but I think a lot of people would find it a good read. My wife and I are so very similar. Think about 3-4 things they have done that hurt or angered you then take a big step back, swallow your pride and ask if you have done it to them. ...that mirror got real uncomfortable for a bit ;-)

Kinda tough when you knew you were an ass but thought nobody else saw it, oopsie.

Sara21

I totally agree. Humility means letting go of our egos and learning to become vulnerable. For some, they see that vulnerability as a weakness and hold on even tighter to their ego. The phrase ego is not your amigo comes to mind.

For me, humility has given me the freedom to learn from my mistakes and to let some things go. I don't have the burden of having to be, or even wanting to be, right all the time. The energy that was spent on my ego is now put to much better use, and my life is much better for it.

p.s. I really enjoy your writing style. It's not easy to write about the roller coaster ride that addiction takes you on, but you were able to do it with honesty, grace and even a bit of humor.

Refiner

Hi Pohs I just want to thank you for sharing your story. It really does show the hard work involved for a true recovery for both parties involved. That's what I see that's so hard for newcomers to understand is that they are the ones who actually need recovery when they think only their A needs it. You really showed how important it is and what hard work it is. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.

Ps: you are also hilarious especially about Freud would **** the bed LOL!!!

Lovenjoy

thank you for your powerful share. it is truly a deep look at what is meant by working a program and the depths of despair we are healing from...

this
gave me chills. i thank you.

very sorry for your's and your wife's loss. that also is important for all of us to understand. it is not only about recovery bringing quality of life but it is about the potential of losing life without recovery.....

ShootingStar1

So glad that you're back! You've been such a support to so many of us, and we are glad to return that favor.

Sent you a private message,

ShootingStar1

iamthird

Amazing and vulnerable post. I pray for continued recovery for you and MrsPoh. This is a great testament to how we must take resposibility for ourselves and our recovery. Thank you for having the courage to be so candid. I believe it's posts like these that really reach out and cause transformation as opposed to just "inspiration".

xo

PohsFriend

I'm really touched by the kind words guys. It's pretty humbling.

There is so much that has changed in the past 4 years. I learned to set boundaries without making them punitive or harsh. I learned that some of them were pretty stupid and reset them.

I recall the day I told my wife that I needed to tell her something. I had always said that if she relapses, she's out of here until she is well because I will need to deal with life, our 2 year old and hold down the fort while she gets it figured out. She had just wtched as one by one the other four girls her sponser worked with relapsed. I told her it worried me a little to tell her that while I did not know how many relapses it would take before I could not take any more but that the next one, if it ever comes, is not the last one. I'd be here, I'd help if she let me, I'd wait if she didn't and I wasn't going to have her terrified of being abandoned because honestly that fear would lead her to drink faster than anything else. They don't drink to escape the joy and feelings of strong self esteem in their hearts folks.

Where will we be in three years? Can't wait to see. Three years ago I am pretty sure nobody would have bet that Poh and I (Poh == in her native language her name means 'Peace of Heaven') would make it three years.

Tonight my dear sweet friend ShootingStar sent me a private note but I have to share one part that brought tears to our eyes when I shared it with Poh. She told me not to be so tough on myself because after what we've been through ours is not the story of two people's flaws and failures but a love story of epic proportions.

Ya know what? That was the plan. people say you can't hold onto that feeling for life but well, my wife walks into the room and I forget stuff... breathing, my name, sadness, what the hell I ever saw in any other woman...

I let stress and depression get me to a point where I stopped showing her that. She nailed me too.. she gave me examples and said she wants the man who won her over back because she's still won over despite his long absence. So no more whining, I've amends to make, a brain to rewire and a better tomorrow to work on and for inspiration I've got my wife and I'm kinda pissed because as she was talking about the crazy **** I do to let her knwo how I feel I realized how much I love making her flash me that gigawatt smile that lights me up from the inside out. I'll think of some way to show here he's back - and pissed that he's been wasting time.

When I wanted to let her know that I'd fallen in love with her I picked just the right setting. Since childhood she'd enjoyed painting a picture of a bench by a raging river with a meadow full of flowers on the other side and snow capped mountains in the distance she remembered from growing up halfway around the world from here and how that image always made her happy. Ok so I like grand gestures... Westin Beaver Creek Colorado in May. Gonna sneak upstairs and see what she's painting lately, please pray for me. If she's painting the moon I may be in deep ****.

redatlanta

I think your post is very informative for those whose partners do embrace recovery. We talk about hard it is - I have never put much thought into the difficulty being that as they get well our own illness of codependency comes to the forefront.

Rosiepetal

Nice to hear from you.
What an amazing touching post.
Thank you for sharing.
The journey of life forever continues........
Hugs my friend

LaTeeDa

Just had to respond since I'm in Colorado right now and the wildflowers are amazing!

You're going to be just fine because you know how to adjust, regroup, and figure things out. My marriage didn't fare so well because we were both so stubborn we couldn't admit we were wrong. But, my relationship with my children took a turn for the better when I admitted to them I didn't have all the answers and we would just have to figure things out.

Oh, and if she's painting the moon, you're in luck. Why? Because the moon is everywhere! You just have to time it right.

lizatola

Thank you for the honesty and the humility of your share here. Recovery shines through in every line, though, and it reminds me just how sick I truly am as well. I am just as sick as the alcoholic and sometimes I'm even sicker. But, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and I thank you for sharing with us here.