Recovery vs marriage
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
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Recovery vs marriage
Hi all. I'm 16 months sober and my husband still actively drinks. He doesn't consider himself an alcoholic because he goes to work and meets his responsibilities, but he continued drinking during my attempts to stop. I am trying to move on from my hurt and disappointment over this and give our relationship a go.
Last night I tried to share a realization I had in recovery with my AH. I had that linked behavior that we used to dislike in our sick and dying alcoholic friend to some of my own toxic habits.
I learned the hard way that hubby isn't a safe person to share the rigorous honesty of my recovery. He said that I'm a terribly negative person... That he feels that in constantly nagging him and putting him down.... That nothing he does is good enough for me.... Then segued into how his life was happy and joyful til I stopped drinking, and now that I'm in recovery his life is unhappy.... That in recovery I'm off reading, writing, or meeting with people in recovery.... That he has carried the burden of doing everything for our family while I've been in recovery.... And that when I am present I'm distracted and grumpy.... He said he wants me to be lighter and less serious....
I know it's important to be able to share his feelings about the relationship. Our conversation left me feeling shaken and embarrassed and insecure. I need to keep my support to other people in recovery, be it AlAnon or AA.
Any time I try to share with AH it ends up in an argument. Should I keep my recovery life separate from my marriage? Is it healthy do to so?
Last night I tried to share a realization I had in recovery with my AH. I had that linked behavior that we used to dislike in our sick and dying alcoholic friend to some of my own toxic habits.
I learned the hard way that hubby isn't a safe person to share the rigorous honesty of my recovery. He said that I'm a terribly negative person... That he feels that in constantly nagging him and putting him down.... That nothing he does is good enough for me.... Then segued into how his life was happy and joyful til I stopped drinking, and now that I'm in recovery his life is unhappy.... That in recovery I'm off reading, writing, or meeting with people in recovery.... That he has carried the burden of doing everything for our family while I've been in recovery.... And that when I am present I'm distracted and grumpy.... He said he wants me to be lighter and less serious....
I know it's important to be able to share his feelings about the relationship. Our conversation left me feeling shaken and embarrassed and insecure. I need to keep my support to other people in recovery, be it AlAnon or AA.
Any time I try to share with AH it ends up in an argument. Should I keep my recovery life separate from my marriage? Is it healthy do to so?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Hello Gleefan,
Change is scary. His criticism is leveled at your changes.
My RAH is not on a formal recovery plan and I do not really share my codependency recovery discoveries with him. I have had to realize that he is codependent, a recovering A, and ACOA. He does not see himself as triple crown, but it gives me a lot of patience towards him.
I have a very very super sponsor that i share my self discoveries with...
Change is scary. His criticism is leveled at your changes.
My RAH is not on a formal recovery plan and I do not really share my codependency recovery discoveries with him. I have had to realize that he is codependent, a recovering A, and ACOA. He does not see himself as triple crown, but it gives me a lot of patience towards him.
I have a very very super sponsor that i share my self discoveries with...
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Thanks Code Job. 
I spoke to my sponsor. She guessed that AH misses having me as his drinking buddy. She suggested I limit sharing my recovery discoveries to others in the program.
Recovery is long winding road. I am so grateful to be open to listening to others' experiences and suggestions. I am a Double Winner - maybe more??!! I go to Al Anon and AA. I post on the alcoholism side of SR regularly and while I don't post a whole lot on the F&F side, I do read it regularly. It helps me see the role my alcoholic behavior AND codependency plays in my struggles -- which helps me find a life that's joyous happy and free.
I still learning and I appreciate the suggestions. Thank you!
I spoke to my sponsor. She guessed that AH misses having me as his drinking buddy. She suggested I limit sharing my recovery discoveries to others in the program.
Recovery is long winding road. I am so grateful to be open to listening to others' experiences and suggestions. I am a Double Winner - maybe more??!! I go to Al Anon and AA. I post on the alcoholism side of SR regularly and while I don't post a whole lot on the F&F side, I do read it regularly. It helps me see the role my alcoholic behavior AND codependency plays in my struggles -- which helps me find a life that's joyous happy and free.
I still learning and I appreciate the suggestions. Thank you!
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
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I am a recovering alcoholic as well. My husband didn't stop drinking for me though he offered. For me I view my alcoholism as my problem not his.
Do you spend time with him and talk about things that have nothing to do with recovery? Do you two do things together or does your recovery work take precedence?
Do you spend time with him and talk about things that have nothing to do with recovery? Do you two do things together or does your recovery work take precedence?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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It sounds to me as if you don't think he is a normal drinker. I would imagine he feels that all these "shares" about your recovery are subtle digs at him, or little "hints" that he should be in recovery, too.
I'd skip the shares and insights--he doesn't appreciate them. Much better if you just keep applying them to your life without the running commentary.
I'd skip the shares and insights--he doesn't appreciate them. Much better if you just keep applying them to your life without the running commentary.
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He complained about my drunken behavior A LOT when I drank. DUIs, falls, blackouts, unable to recall conversations. I did plenty of horrible things.
He told me that he feels it was my choice to stop drinking entirely. What he wanted was for me to keep drinking, just drink less. As an alcoholic I never was able to succeed at moderation.
He drinks less frequently than he did when we drank together, but when he drinks he does so until he's completely out of his mind. He's a quiet drunk, and doesn't make a show of himself like I did. He drinks very heavily 1-3 times a week now. When he drinks I shrink away from him.
I HAD to when I was craving alcohol in early sobriety. I continue to do so because he is zoned out and doesn't remember our conversations. He feels that because he's not nasty and doesn't start fights, it's no big deal for him to drink.
I struggled with motivation in early recovery. It took all the energy I could muster to get up and go to work. In the months following quitting drinking I was laid off from my job, was in constant pain, gained a bunch of weight, started a new career, and was diagnosed with an autoimmune form of arthritis. AH stepped up to the plate at home and helped cook, clean and child rear.
Meanwhile I found my voice. I realized I had put up with so many of his behaviors simply because I was uncomfortable with his discomfort. Early in sobriety my truths came rushing out, flooded with pain.
To his point, he was taking care of everything and I was just spewing bile.
Oh, I don't know.....
He told me that he feels it was my choice to stop drinking entirely. What he wanted was for me to keep drinking, just drink less. As an alcoholic I never was able to succeed at moderation.
He drinks less frequently than he did when we drank together, but when he drinks he does so until he's completely out of his mind. He's a quiet drunk, and doesn't make a show of himself like I did. He drinks very heavily 1-3 times a week now. When he drinks I shrink away from him.
I HAD to when I was craving alcohol in early sobriety. I continue to do so because he is zoned out and doesn't remember our conversations. He feels that because he's not nasty and doesn't start fights, it's no big deal for him to drink.
I struggled with motivation in early recovery. It took all the energy I could muster to get up and go to work. In the months following quitting drinking I was laid off from my job, was in constant pain, gained a bunch of weight, started a new career, and was diagnosed with an autoimmune form of arthritis. AH stepped up to the plate at home and helped cook, clean and child rear.
Meanwhile I found my voice. I realized I had put up with so many of his behaviors simply because I was uncomfortable with his discomfort. Early in sobriety my truths came rushing out, flooded with pain.
To his point, he was taking care of everything and I was just spewing bile.
Oh, I don't know.....
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
My husband doesn't get drunk like that but I do have rules. No intimacy when drunk, no serious talks and sometimes I leave the room if he wants to get drunk. Sometimes he just likes to let loose, get drunk and sing to rockband. It's not important to me. We are wonderful friends, like to watch nerdy television, see special exhibits at museums. Stuff like that. My recovery stuff has no place in that. I have four years sober.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Hey Glee. I read through your threads to try an understand more what is going on. Does your husband understand that you are an alcoholic? Does he think you can moderate and choose not to?
Sounds like the alcoholism between the two of you covered up considerable dysfunction in the relationship. As I read your posts its as if the fog is lifting more and more.
Is it accurate that his life was happy and joyful until you stopped drinking? it doesn't seem that way as you described that your drinking caused a lot of problems - and he was often upset by it. He is making some passive aggressive statements, and rewriting history. You mentioned at one point that he was very controlling of you, very dependent on you for everything. Doesn't socialize much, wants yo around all the time. I think your recovery, meetings etc, finding some independence is disturbing for him.
Stay with your recovery and please don't feel embarrassed or insecure. You are doing incredible and he is standing still. Its going to cause problems. (((hugs)))
Sounds like the alcoholism between the two of you covered up considerable dysfunction in the relationship. As I read your posts its as if the fog is lifting more and more.
Is it accurate that his life was happy and joyful until you stopped drinking? it doesn't seem that way as you described that your drinking caused a lot of problems - and he was often upset by it. He is making some passive aggressive statements, and rewriting history. You mentioned at one point that he was very controlling of you, very dependent on you for everything. Doesn't socialize much, wants yo around all the time. I think your recovery, meetings etc, finding some independence is disturbing for him.
Stay with your recovery and please don't feel embarrassed or insecure. You are doing incredible and he is standing still. Its going to cause problems. (((hugs)))
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Thanks Red for your insights, and everyone for your suggestions.
My husband said he thinks alcoholism is my latest hobby, a mid life crisis. He said he thinks that my refusal to drink is my all or nothing attitude run amok.
He scoffs when I tell him that alcohol was wrecking my mind and body. I was a fairly productive person in active addiction and I had a high bottom (this time). With my high bottom, he doesn't believe stopping is what I needed to do to save my life.
Ive explained that just because life looked good to the outside world doesn't mean it was going well on the inside. He refuses to believe me. He won't budge.
He's spent years diminishing my feelings and opinions. He's spent years brushing them off, telling me he's right and I'm wrong.
My sense of self was so shaky -- from my difficult childhood, from my years of anxiety, from being an active alcoholic -- and I used to go along with what he said. I believed he was right and I was wrong.
In recovery my inner guide is emerging. He may be an alcoholic or may not - I don't know. All I can see is what is. He argues with me over my inner truth.
I've been coming up exhausted from this, when all of a sudden, in the course of this conversation with you all it occurred to me -- it's not my job to make him believe me.
For years I've allowed H to bear down his will on me, and took all means necessary to avoid making him uncomfortable or mad or disturbed.
It's my job to live a happy life. Take care of my responsibilities. Go to work. Take care of my children. Take care of my mind and body. Do things I think are fun. Avoid things that aren't safe. Pretty much all the things my sponsor has been saying all along!
My husband said he thinks alcoholism is my latest hobby, a mid life crisis. He said he thinks that my refusal to drink is my all or nothing attitude run amok.
He scoffs when I tell him that alcohol was wrecking my mind and body. I was a fairly productive person in active addiction and I had a high bottom (this time). With my high bottom, he doesn't believe stopping is what I needed to do to save my life.
Ive explained that just because life looked good to the outside world doesn't mean it was going well on the inside. He refuses to believe me. He won't budge.
He's spent years diminishing my feelings and opinions. He's spent years brushing them off, telling me he's right and I'm wrong.
My sense of self was so shaky -- from my difficult childhood, from my years of anxiety, from being an active alcoholic -- and I used to go along with what he said. I believed he was right and I was wrong.
In recovery my inner guide is emerging. He may be an alcoholic or may not - I don't know. All I can see is what is. He argues with me over my inner truth.
I've been coming up exhausted from this, when all of a sudden, in the course of this conversation with you all it occurred to me -- it's not my job to make him believe me.
For years I've allowed H to bear down his will on me, and took all means necessary to avoid making him uncomfortable or mad or disturbed.
It's my job to live a happy life. Take care of my responsibilities. Go to work. Take care of my children. Take care of my mind and body. Do things I think are fun. Avoid things that aren't safe. Pretty much all the things my sponsor has been saying all along!
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Hi Glee,
First congrats on the hard journey to 16 months sober -- it has to be more complex living with someone that is drinking as much as your H is.
I think that it is difficult to share things of this nature with someone that hasn't 'been there'. My RAH will share some logistics stuff about his recovery but saves the other parts for meetings. While his sponsor is good at some things, he isn't the greatest when it comes to the deep workings of recovery either.
As a result, RAH is now doing IC with an addiction counselor. He is approaching a year sober, but I think he has gone stagnant on the steps and really needs to get back to actively working them. His counselor is a former addict and really has the personality he needs to explore this type of thing to the depth he needs to go.
As someone who has never personally experienced addiction, I don't think I am the right person for RAH to share this with. He doesn't feel like I could possibly understand and while I am an intelligent person, I will never understand addiction the way he does.
I think you are on the right path in keeping this with the folks in your groups.
Blue
First congrats on the hard journey to 16 months sober -- it has to be more complex living with someone that is drinking as much as your H is.
I think that it is difficult to share things of this nature with someone that hasn't 'been there'. My RAH will share some logistics stuff about his recovery but saves the other parts for meetings. While his sponsor is good at some things, he isn't the greatest when it comes to the deep workings of recovery either.
As a result, RAH is now doing IC with an addiction counselor. He is approaching a year sober, but I think he has gone stagnant on the steps and really needs to get back to actively working them. His counselor is a former addict and really has the personality he needs to explore this type of thing to the depth he needs to go.
As someone who has never personally experienced addiction, I don't think I am the right person for RAH to share this with. He doesn't feel like I could possibly understand and while I am an intelligent person, I will never understand addiction the way he does.
I think you are on the right path in keeping this with the folks in your groups.
Blue
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Not having to convince RAH of anything might me one of the best things I learned in Al Anon. Especially when he was in relapse that's really how I let go of searching the house and cars, arguing with him that he was drinking when he swore up and down he wasn't.
For years I've allowed H to bear down his will on me, and took all means necessary to avoid making him uncomfortable or mad or disturbed.
Yep, not just with RAH but with most relationships in my life. Trying to control and manage people's feelings. Not anymore. I very good at arguing - I come to a fight with a hydrogen bomb lol. In truth I am a conflict avoider, I hate conflict. As such I have manipulated, shut up, or did things I did not want to to as a means to avoid conflict. I also don't do that anymore (well its curbed by at least 95%). This has made my relationship much, much better. As a result we argue FAR less because problems are solved up front, and I am not walking around filled with resentment or a martyr crown on my head.
I think you are really getting to the core of the issues. Bravo for you.
For years I've allowed H to bear down his will on me, and took all means necessary to avoid making him uncomfortable or mad or disturbed.
Yep, not just with RAH but with most relationships in my life. Trying to control and manage people's feelings. Not anymore. I very good at arguing - I come to a fight with a hydrogen bomb lol. In truth I am a conflict avoider, I hate conflict. As such I have manipulated, shut up, or did things I did not want to to as a means to avoid conflict. I also don't do that anymore (well its curbed by at least 95%). This has made my relationship much, much better. As a result we argue FAR less because problems are solved up front, and I am not walking around filled with resentment or a martyr crown on my head.
I think you are really getting to the core of the issues. Bravo for you.
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I definitely attribute my clarity and progress to embracing recovery in a 12 step program.
Hubby and I had a breakthrough today. We were able to come to the agreement that he will give me a heads up if he's going to drink. If I'm feeling up to it I'll hang around him and if I don't want to be around alcohol I'll go elsewhere.
Hubby and I had a breakthrough today. We were able to come to the agreement that he will give me a heads up if he's going to drink. If I'm feeling up to it I'll hang around him and if I don't want to be around alcohol I'll go elsewhere.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Wow, glee, it really sucks that he isn't more supportive of your recovery. 16 months is a LOT of hard work & even harder with an uphill battle like that at home. Good for you for keeping to your own recovery with all of this, I know how it's easier said than done. 
I think that whenever one half of the marriage enters true recovery & the other doesn't, you start travelling in opposite directions a bit. (Or like my RAH & me - we work our recoveries at completely different speeds & sometimes there is a huge gap in our perspectives & other times/ways we're more on the same page.)
I do think there's a giant red flag waving in that he had so much to say about your drinking (but minimizes your recovery & inner feelings) all while justifying his own reasons to drink. I can't think of a single post I've ever read from a F&F member saying that they would refuse to quit or minimize their own drinking in front of their recovering partner - I've never heard of a spouse having this need/opinion when it is typically such a small sacrifice in the face of what real recovery has to offer.
Hang in there!
I think that whenever one half of the marriage enters true recovery & the other doesn't, you start travelling in opposite directions a bit. (Or like my RAH & me - we work our recoveries at completely different speeds & sometimes there is a huge gap in our perspectives & other times/ways we're more on the same page.)
I do think there's a giant red flag waving in that he had so much to say about your drinking (but minimizes your recovery & inner feelings) all while justifying his own reasons to drink. I can't think of a single post I've ever read from a F&F member saying that they would refuse to quit or minimize their own drinking in front of their recovering partner - I've never heard of a spouse having this need/opinion when it is typically such a small sacrifice in the face of what real recovery has to offer.
Hang in there!
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I think he's an alcoholic. I also think there is significant dysfunction in the way he and I relate to each other.
I've spent a lot of time banging my head against the wall over his drinking. It's interesting to see the evolution of my response to it.
1. I recognized his behavior.
2. I realized his behavior made me feel uncomfortable.
3. I told him that I didn't like his behavior.
4. I blamed my unhappiness on his behavior.
5. I realized the role I played in perpetuating his behavior.
6. I stopped engaging in those actions.
7. I created a boundary.
I've spent a lot of time banging my head against the wall over his drinking. It's interesting to see the evolution of my response to it.
1. I recognized his behavior.
2. I realized his behavior made me feel uncomfortable.
3. I told him that I didn't like his behavior.
4. I blamed my unhappiness on his behavior.
5. I realized the role I played in perpetuating his behavior.
6. I stopped engaging in those actions.
7. I created a boundary.
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