Can you get it back once its gone?
 

RAHs 1 year of sobriety is coming up in a few short weeks. Also coming up is MY one year mark of giving this relationship a year and reassessing. The more and more I have thought about it........there is something missing between us.

I realized it's the romantic love. It's gone, and has been for a long time. At least on my end. He does not feel the same way. I LOVE RAH, yes. But I love him in a bff's sort of way, not the way spouses are supposed to love each other. To me, we're roommates who have a good time together and care about each other. I have no desire to have a physical relationship with him. There is zero intimacy because I still seriously don't trust him.

Once it's gone can you ever get it back. Do I really WANT it back, with him? Idk. In a lot of ways...well in all ways this has been the WORST year of my life and one of the best (albeit difficult-he has told me this) for him. He has the reward of sobriety.....nothing good has shaken out for me at all.

Hiya Terpgal :wavey:

Maybe you have answered your own question.
I believe yes , you CAN get back what you once had but it needs to work both ways & you can't go into it half hearted.

Do you love him ?

Every relationship has a honeymoon period .a lot of couples believe that once that initial euphoria has worn off , that you mustn't love each other anymore

This isn't true , it just means you are going into another phase of your relationship & this can actually be the best part :-)

You're really the only one who can answer this sweetheart , but kudos to him for getting to a year sober.

He must really love you as this can be a time when an alcoholic will leave a partner as it's what he was comfortable with whilst drinking.
Just be totally honest with each other , sit down have a coffee & just come straight out with your feelings and ask him where he sees himself in a few years.

If you have a great time together , you're very lucky , he sounds like a great companion , but only you know how you truly feel.

Good luck , I really wish you both the best xxx

Hello TerpGal!

I think you have done a lot of work on yourself this past year. I don't think you give yourself enough credit. Didn't you take on some serious therapy? Switched jobs? Dealt a bit with your family of origin and faith? Oh and treatment for depression?

If you feel you still do not trust him and you are emotionally and mentally stable in your assessment, then maybe it is time to end the marriage.

Peace in your heart.

It seems the back and forth over remaining married has been a consistent them over the past year.

I need to ask what it is you don't trust - is it the alcoholism and staying sober? I reread through your threads - he was abusive to you at one time. Are you concerned about that type behavior returning? Was he unfaithful to you and that is part of this?

It takes time to rebuild trust. I agree with Snoozy that relationships go through phases and the initial lust part of them dies a fairly early death in marriage. It should be replaced by a deeper bond. That's not to say the physical intimacy dies it just changes. Sometimes it does seem to die and you ave to make effort to revive it.

Another recurring theme in your threads is exhaustion in the work to make changes in the marriage. I do understand that. A BFF in marriage is a good thing. II'm questioning whether the issues you have had to deal with yourself are part of this - like ending the marriage and focus on that is taking focus off of internal situations that you might be tired of dealing with also.

If this is as good as it gets...is it good enough?

It never came back for me. Too much damage done. I could never feel the same way towards her again.

That's the way I ultimately felt after fourteen years married to a guy who had been sober since the year before we got married. I wound up leaving because after trying to "get it back" it didn't seem as if either one of us would have what we wanted in a marriage.

We ARE still very close friends to this day--20 years after I left. I don't know that we could have maintained as good a relationship if I'd stayed. I think one or both of us would have been very unhappy.

One thing you might try is marriage counseling. It didn't fix things in our case, but it did give me the assurance I needed to feel I had done what I could--that I had made an effort before I gave up.

It was very, very tough to make the decision to leave.

TerpGal......I have never been in a relationship with an addict.....However, I have been in relationships where the romantic aspect was lost----and, in every case, it never returned.

I don't think that a person should be "required" to stay in a loveless marriage.....

dandylion

In my 25 yr marriage, about 7 yrs
before recovery and the rest sober.
It was I with an addiction problem
and he was the one with no addiction.

I Got married while in my addiction
and so all my reasons for getting married
centered around it. Once I got sober and
began to learn about my addiction and
all the reasons why I drank I then realized
I had to take full responsibility for all my
own actions.

All my life I was looking for love in people
places and things to compensate for the
loss of what I didn't receive from one of
my sick parents. That nurturing factor one
needs from a mother.

The verbal, physical and emotional abuse
sustained as a child from her gave me a
horrible platform to live my own life upon.

So in recovery I had to learn many important
things needed in life in a sober healthy way
if I was to continue on in my recovery journey.

Sure I wanted to be married forever like I
always admired from those who remained
married for many many yrs. However, 25yrs.
is nothing to sneeze at especially if one in
the marriage is in recovery.

As time went on, I realized that my marriage
wasn't gonna make it as long as honesty was
not practiced on a daily bases. It wouldn't be fair
to the other if there were lies and unhappiness,
lack of communication and understanding on
both sides.

So, with much prayers and continueing to
live within recovery, I was given an opportunity
to exit the marriage peacefully and successfully.
To me that was a blessing and gift in recovery
given from the Man upstairs.

Today, we are both remarried, no communication,
no remores or dislike for the other, just complete
separation and moving on in our lives.

Once I made that move and became completely
honest in all my affairs, a new door opened to a
life I had never known before. It was like a huge
boulder was lifted off my shoulders and I was
FREE. A FREEDOM I have not experienced before.

I don't regret the past nor shut the door on any
of my experiences but use it to learn and grow
from to become the best person I can possibly
be in all my affairs and now in my 7 yr marriage.

Im definitely still growing and maturing in recovery. :)

Romantic love is part of courtship and dating. I don't think it typically lasts long in the familiarity of marriage, although it resurfaces from time to time. But it sounds like there's more going on, which is understandable with an alcoholic and all the hurtful words and actions that are typically part of the disease. Anger and resentment lead to loss of intimacy and can sometimes be healed. Better to ask yourself if you trust and respect him. Without those two things I don't know how much of a relationship is possible. Alanon can be a big help; it saved my sanity.

Terp - I just posted an update about 3 years from where you are right now.

I got it wrong - way wrong - when I was where you are and I don't know if you have or not but year one of recovery is hard for both people. I have no idea if you have gone to therapy, worked al-anon or any of that.

Somewhere along the way she got well and I got sick... or she got well enough that my maladies were easier to spot but it sucked when I realized that only a very sick man would have gotten involved with such a sick girl and vice versa. There is no shame in being sick. We all have various hurts and fears and I've met so many wonderful people through my wife's aa program and now through my own long overdue al-anon program that I realize that it's the most caring and kindhearted folks sometimes who wind up here. Insensitive and uncaring people don't give a **** about what others think :-) We do.

You may find you are carrying a lot of stuff around with you. It's pretty hard when we see someone we have idealized go through rock bottom, they can't get there without disappointing and hurting us on the way and an alcoholic in recovery, especially early on, can be very selfish because frankly they have to be. My wife's illness stressed me and my failure to deal with that caused me to get depressed but my depression threatened her sobriety so she did the right thing. She got the hell away from me until I woke up. At first I thought "Really? After all the **** I went through because of your problems you are gong to turn and walk out when I hit a bump?" Well, yes, I sure as hell hope she would because this ain't a fair deal. In a fair world recovery would be something different but in our world recovery means the alcoholic HAS TO focus on one thing only and it ain't us. That's why al-anon or other support is so critical for us, supporting another person in recovery is not a reciprocal deal.

Read the thread I just put up. One year in I was exhausted and I had some doubts. You don't have to be certain to keep working ;-)

Hang in there. It's a tough road but there are some spectacular views ahead

Even if my ABF got sober (really sober) I could never be with him again because he completely destroyed my trust, and trust is the basis for a healthy romantic relationship (to me). Perhaps rebuilding trust is possible--and I'm sure it can be done--but I can't imagine it in my situation after seven years of instability with the ABF. Even if he got sober, I'd always be on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Thanks all. I do go to therapy weekly with a therapist that has a lot of experience with addicts and a lot of experience with trauma. I did al anon for a while but I just don't buy into the 12 step model, or even the philosophy behind it. It's way too "one size fits all" for me.

I know the hearts and flowers aspect of a relationship doesn't last. RAH and I have been together for 14 years, married for almost 9 of them. We had a lot of good years. Much of the married years however, we're really bad with his drinking. The development of our relationship was stopped in its tracks.

I don't trust that any of the changes he has made are real. Like I am waiting all the time for the facade to drop. Not only do I have no desire for physical intimacy, it actually makes me recoil when he touches me.

I had a lot of trouble trusting people to begin with because of my foo issues. I trusted him. I trusted his family. After what happened, it trust no one anymore. A very lonely place to be.

It isn't lonely. There are plenty of us here...:-)

TERP, you got this figured out. I spent a lot of time 2nd guessing my feelings etc. Its all a vortex as long as you're stuck in it. Once removed, it becomes abundantly clear that you were dealing with a person that made YOU part of that world rather than the other way around.

My ex SWORE there was changes. We have been split for a year almost. She is drinking, sleeping around, etc. In short, nothing has changed. She just doesn't need to hide it anymore. So in her world, the change was, she got away from another problem......which was me....and before that, it was anyone else she was with.

Terp, on its own the lack of romantic feeling towards RAH isn't a killer. Lots of people go through this stage in their marriages, and if they can re-kindle their original attraction to their partner with the help of a therapist, then their prospects are good. Staying together has lots of advantages.
An obstacle to this in your case is the lack of physical intimacy. With a few exceptions a marriage can't survive indefinitely without it. You might struggle on for a while, but intimacy is one of the glues that hold a couple together. Most woman need to have affectionate feelings toward their partner, and you're actually repelled by him, so it doesn't look good.
Of course there's the trust issue. If you could resolve that, would you feel more positive towards him? It would take a MC who was very positive about marriage, and good will on yours and AH's part. It might clarify your mind on whether to go or stay.
If you're not up for MC, maybe it's time to face the fact that your marriage will end at some point, and start planning for it.

Lots to think about. We used to have a great sex life, until the bad drinking started. It was when he was blackout drunk that he would want sex. That's also the time when he was physically abusive. So we stopped having sex much and that spilled over into his super angry time before he got drunk at night. He would accuse me of being frigid, and "ice queen" or "asexual". So yeah, it was a huge issue.

Now, of he touches me all I can picture is being drunkenly pawed at like an animal with hot boozy breath in my face. Not a good mental image but that's immediately where my mind goes. Ugh.........a lot like my other PTSD flashbacks. We could do MC but my head definitely is not where it needs to be. My mental health his vastly deteriorated over the last year and my depression is unbearable at times. So much so that I've been told it's time to think about ECT. So I don't know how useful marriage counselling would be.

Terpgal-please know that I understand how you feel when it comes to physical intamacy. When my ex and I were still married I dealt with the same thing-I really had no desire for a long time to have sex with him-because of all of the things he did to me while drunk (some of those things were denied) and truth be told I do not ever want to be intimate with someone that is lying to me straight to my face (drinking/every darn day a new lie). Of course I got blamed-he'd get mad at me for not being affectionate or starting things with him/I was honest with him telling him I didn't feel loved by him at all and that all his drunk things took away every ounce of passion I had for him. There were many a night I cringed when he would get into bed. Not a good sign in a marriage. :/ just wanted you to know that I understand what you're going through-I've battled depression as well but it does get better. :)

I can really relate to the crossroads where you find yourself in your marriage. I don't advocate procrastinating, but I am trying to take my time figuring out what to do. The way I'm approaching it is to focus on myself, my recovery, my depression, my growth - then see if AH fits. Personal growth takes time!

I wanted to take extreme action - something to kickstart my life! - but I knew from seeing my own mother take extreme action after extreme action make that leaving AH to relieve my stagnation wasn't the answer.

Still, I didn't know what was. So I stayed on the path of recovery. Working on my recovery, from my own alcoholism and codependency, had helped relieve the depression and find motivation. I'm closer to the answers I'm seeking, irrespective of what's going on with him. I'd recommend addressing your depression and PRSD before making any decisions about your marriage.

Hugs!!

TerpGal....just know that you don't have to stay in a m arriage if you don't want to.
Every marriage is different. Don't make your decisions based on what somebody else did in their marriage.

damdylion

Hmmmm. I do advocate that it is in most people's best interest to try and make a marriage work.

As I read what you have wrote I would say you have done that. You gave it a year. A year later you are still dealing with PTSD and other issues from being subjected to your husband's abuse and alcoholism.

I have not been subjected to physical abuse, I have been subjected to emotional. While your husband's black out antics may work as the umbrella explanation for why he did what he did I am reminded that a black out is just the failure to remember what you did, not that you didn't know what you were doing when you did it.

There is nothing wrong at this point with you deciding to move on from this relationship. Not everything can be fixed, things can be forgiven and not forgotten. I love Robin Williams very honest answer to why his 20 year marriage ended two years after he got sober "she forgave me but she couldn't recover from what I did".

Have you ever thought about just separating for the time being? it may give you the clarity you need to decide where you want to go with this.

I'm still trying to figure out the answer to that question for myself. I've been separated almost 3 years, RAH sober 21 months and working AA. I go to Alanon and therapy. We do MC weekly. The first year I could not have lived with him. He was blaming, angry and reactive. After 18 months, he began to be able to work on relating to the kids. We recently discussed the idea that all people deserve respect and kindness because he believes it's ok to treat people disrespectfully if he thinks they have disrespected him. This is his rational for treating me disrespectfully. Last week was our first MC session that did not involve him overreacting, blaming, and yelling at me or the therapist.

I would not be in this marriage or even attempting to see if it can be repaired if we lived together. That would just be more than I could emotionally manage. Living separate allows me the time to recover so that wherever my marriage ends up, I'll be in a better place to handle it. I try to just focus on doing as much work on myself as I can while I have the space to do it.

Good luck TG. There are no easy answers regardless of what you choose to do. Both are hard.

I really like the idea of "she forgave me, but could not recover from what I did."

My exhusband & I never got it back. Granted, there was physical and emotional abuse, and lots of it. But the thought of living a life tied to him literally made my stomach turn after I saw what he was capable of. SO much anxiety in never knowing "who" he actually was...this horrific, mean person when he's out of drugs or is he actually the sweet guy that he is when he's high? I was tired of never knowing what i'd get on any given day. it is exhausting.

so i just removed myself from the equation, let him fall flat on his face. he ended up in rehab & (for now) is about 200 days sober. we have a child & only communicate when needed. he isn't playing a father role at the moment because he's in IOP, working, etc. Not fair to my daughter - but addiction is selfish - recovery is too.

Sometimes the damage is done & you're better off to leave the pieces.

I think that anxiouswife's experience is true for a huge number of marriages/relationships. Just too much damage done to all parties. To much water under the bridge.

It is good to be able to identify the reality and accept it for what it is. Otherwise, I think a p erson can remained chained to a boulder for quite a long time....

dandylion

That's the maddening and infuriating part. We had years, many of them, before alcohol took him. He became someone else. Basically dad 2.0. RAH has NEVER liked him but God, during those years, they could have been the same person. RAH doesn't go to AA, but he takes time each day, to meditate, to work out. Spiritually, his beliefs range somewhere along the lines of Buddhism, but he hasn't become a Buddhist.

If something bad happens, he is able to take it in stride instead of falling apart. It's something like what he was before the drinking, but more mature. Measured.

It's all pretty infuriating really. How can almost overnight he goes from a monster to what he is now? He is remorseful for what happened but doesn't dwell on what a horrible person he is. That makes me REALLY angry. If *I* did something like that.......well......I would never do such a thing. I hate to say it, but I want him to hurt as much as he hurt me. I want to see it on his face, the horror of what's happened. I KNOW that's sooooo messed up but I can't help it.

There have been things that have happened in the past year, that would have sent his spiraling before........but he didn't. The logical part of me sees this progress. The other part of me can't forget that this was the same face that caused all that pain for so many years.

He's a good person. I knew it before, I always knew he could be there again. That's what makes this hard.

I don't think I'm in a place to leave him right now. I'm not in a place to work on this either. I am more sick in the head than he *ever* was and worrying about this relationship is a convenient distraction to what I really need to do which is to say to he'll with anyone else, I have to fix me.

So I guess I should just take my own hint and not worry about it right now. Let the chips fall where they may.

You have gotten a lot of wonderful responses. I don't have any advice...except take the time you need to strengthen yourself. You'll make the right decision for you. Have faith.

Terp,

I understand the difficult dilemma you're in. I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling. :grouphug:

One simple day at a time, by working a 12 step program, my life is changing in amazing ways. I debated for a very long time whether Alanon was what I wanted or was willing to do, what it's merits where, etc. I found every excuse possible to not walk through the door, and then to not go back again. Now I have found time and again that it doesn't matter why it works, just that it does if I am willing to do the work. It took me a long time to be willing, and that's okay. I'm getting to a very good place in my life in my own time.

I have several Alanon friends who swear the program saved their lives, but the only reason they did the work was because they were determined to prove the program doesn't work. And then they found it did.

It's not the only way to heal, it's just one way that's helped many. There are other ways to heal also. Awareness of how you're feeling and wanting some kind of change sounds like good places to be, even though they can be very difficult places to sit in.

I found time away from my husband critical to my recovery, so I would have time away from my subconscious responses to him.

Do you have work you enjoy or find rewarding? Hobbies? Physical activity to let out some of the frustration?

You are important. It's okay to hold onto any sadness, anger and resentments until you're ready to let them go, in whatever way you find. That isn't for him, it's for you. So you can be at peace. When you do let go of them, it still doesn't mean you need to stay in your marriage. He left it first, a long time ago. There is no need for you to feel any shame or guilt in either staying or leaving.

A little more thought on this. It's taken 1 1/2 years of me working my recovery before I'm starting to see much more of what's going on within myself. I wasn't ready before. I'm needing to release these things in my own time, as my body, mind and soul are ready to deal with them.

My husband has only recently been able to start to face what he's put us through. He has now apologized in a much more meaningful way than ever before, but neither of us are ready to delve into those things too deeply right now, and I have truly forgiven him and don't need to. I'm okay with moving forward.

It's okay for you to NOT be okay with moving forward. Your feelings matter and you have a right to have your pain be acknowledged by your husband. Whether he's able or willing to face that isn't up to you, though. Whether he will ever be willing to look at what he's done and make amends for it remains to be seen. As you continue your own recovery, I do believe you'll find happiness. There are no wrong ways, just options and choices that will open up for you.

I was in a similar situation...my ABF (or RABF, I suppose) made it one year sober and I realized that way way too much damage had been done for us to bounce back. Good luck.

Terp you've come to your own conclusions about this, which is that working on yourself is all you can do right now. If you're heavily depressed and suffering from PTSD you're not going to be thinking clearly. The fact that he's caused this but still doesn't get it would infuriate anyone, and unfortunately that's also something you have to carry. Not fair.
At least there's a lot of reputable information out there about how you can help yourself with depression and anxiety, while working with your therapists. Make it your project to get yourself as well as you can, but you can also reach out for help. You're not on your own.