Kboys

thanks everybody! I appreciate every word.

I had attempted to post over the weekend on my phone , typing the same thing three times, and each time it told me I wasn't logged in after I typed. So frustrating.

Anyway...

I did go pick him up on Friday after work, and we spent a fairly normal weekend together, except for there was no affection. No kisses or I love yous.
He spent a good amount of time trying to convince me to see that this was all my fault, and if I would just learn to answer a question straight, then he wouldn't have to ask me so many follow-up questions and he would trust me. I just listened. I am so done with saying the same things over and over, I have no more left.

Normally, after something like this happens, I am the one to break the ice and apologize for my part, hoping for him to reciprocate with an apology, and then not getting it, or getting a forced one, but kissing his a$$ anyway just for the sake of "keeping the peace". But this time I just didn't have that in me.

Last night we were laying in bed, and he asked me, "Do you still not want to be with me anymore?" I said, "I really don't want to talk about it right now."
That set him off, "You still just can't answer a simple question. You say you're changing and trying to better yourself by going to Al-anon, but you're still doing the same things. Are you even really going to Al-anon?" and a bunch of other BS, punching the pillow, woke my little one up, so I went and slept with them. I did tell him, in the midst of his rantings, that to answer his question, yes, I still don't want to be with him anymore.

I really do feel done today... and I'm not going to be making any amends... though I can't say that I would stick to my guns if he were to make a sincere effort this time.... but wait, what am I thinking? That's not going to happen,,, silly Kboys.

So, time for me to get serious about making some plans...

He said he's not leaving, and he will not allow me to leave with the boys.

I do have some contacts here, that I have talked to before, at our local DV agency, and at the Sheriff's Department. So I plan to just try to keep everything as mellow as I can until I get my ducks in a row legally.
I still have my hidden cell phone, and extra set of car keys...

I so appreciate all of you being here!

Refiner

Kboys I am just totally exhausted reading this crap he keeps doing to you... And the he's not leaving and "won't allow you to leave with the boys" Mmmmkayyyy... don't know how he thinks he can control that one. What a jealous control-freak. I hope your Plan B gets put together quickly for you and your boys' sakes.

amy55

Kboys,

I remember those days or those weekends. It's like you are just so tired of thinking of trying, that you just go with the flow. For me, it was situational depression. I gave up, I had nothing left anymore. To get through a day without a big blowup fight, I would mark that in my journal as an OK day. Actually it wasn't an OK day, it was me just giving up.

I'm so glad that you are getting your ducks in a row. I think you have a good plan.

((((((hugs))))))
amy

Yurt

Kboys,
This all sounds so familiar. I even posted a thread with a similar title. Sending you hugs, as I remember how low and helpless I felt at the time. I did little things each week to move me forward. Like you, I started planning for a possible future without (then) AH. Small steps like renting a PO box, opening an account at another bank, and so on, helped me feel a bit more independent. I also saw a counselor when I needed an extra bit of support.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other...

redatlanta

Oh Man. Just lots of (((hugs)))

AnvilheadII

lord he sounds like a tyrant! i am so glad that you are going to contact your former resources and make plans to do something different! i also think you are VERY wise to do so with caution and try not to rile him further.

Cmslind

It took me five years to finally act--after hundreds of meaningless threats and promises to do so--and remove my alcoholic partner/boyfriend from my home, because the time and circumstances aligned properly for me to do so. I finally had the MOTIVATION (he called me one ugly name too many when drunk--the c-word touched a nerve), OPPORTUNITY (I was able to get him out of the home physically due to my own good luck in his walking away from me with a suitcase down the driveway after I gave him a breathalyzer test and he failed), and PROOF (the breathalyzer--which was key to me because he had always told me I was delusional about his drinking).
I cannot tell you how many pounds have now been lifted from my shoulders as a result of his being out of my life. I feel healthy, focused, centered, and calm for the first time in years. I hope you can find the right motivation, opportunity and, if you need it, proof, that will help you resolve your situation. It can be done but ladyscribbler is right----take action when you feel ready.

firebolt

Sending you strength, peace and hugs lady. You and the kiddos deserve so much more.

Hopeworks

Being constantly accused of lying and deception is a form of gas lighting and manipulation for control. It is cruel and my father did this to my mother and us kids. It was hell on earth and my mother did not protect us despite my begging her to leave...

Abusers escalate when the abused detaches and refuses to engage to get the "reaction" he is looking for.
Are you keeping a diary? That helped me sort out facts from emotion...

You are in my prayers....

Kboys

Thanks guys
I was keeping a diary last summer, but when I started opening up to people in my life about what was really going on, and coming here and going to Al-anon, I stopped doing that. You guys provide me with a pretty good reality check I've thought of starting again though.

ladyscribbler

Just be careful. Either hide it well or write somewhat in code. My ex used to read my journals to use as ammunition against me. I also recently had to hand them over as part of discovery in our custody case. It didn't really hurt my case, if anything it brought his true character to light, plus I was able to recall specific incidents with dates and details, which I wouldn't have remembered otherwise. I was also able to redact certain things- conversations with my lawyer, etc. Overall I think it did him more harm than good, but I still felt violated by the invasion of privacy.

Liveitwell

Oh good Lord-k boys-big hugs!! I've so been there and have actually been told the same empty threats "you're never going to take my kids", etc, etc. Full of hot air-as mine hasn't seen his going on 4 months. Just be careful when you leave or ask him to leave. I truly wish I had the guts to ask my ex to leave almost a year ago....but I still had hope he would see the light! I had a plan B in place but never thought I'd actually use it bc I loved him. I stayed and after many a drunk night and him calling me names within one week of us moving into our new home, it all came to a head with me calling the police...the rest is history. You do what you need to do for yourself and your kiddo. Please rest up and be safe

garfiild

Another thing that helped/helps me is the voice recorder on my smartphone. I have recorded volumes of nastiness over the past two years, and I have gone back to listen to it when I am alone and calm. It helps me to gain a LOT of perspective. The files save and index by date, too.

Also, before someone says it, note that "secretly" recording conversations can be illegal in some states and depending on the circumstances. Some states may have exceptions for abuse victims but others do not, and some states even make "secret" recording a criminal offense. I am not advocating that anyone do anything criminal, and definitely make sure you know your state's laws on this before you consider it.

As for me, I have an early recording where I advised my A that I was recording and would do so in the future whenever A got nasty and out of control. Also, these recordings might not be allowed/admissible in court - but that wasn't my reason for recording, so it makes little difference to me. On the other hand, there is a lot of value to me in revisiting the recordings after the fact. I have also on occasion played them to sober A (with no explanation, just hit play). Again, this (playing tape for A) is something that I cannot recommend to anyone else, ESPECIALLY if there is any risk of physical abuse. For me, it was a type of boundary - if you talk to me like that then I will make a record of it, and if I had to listen to it last night then you may have to listen to it (and face your own cruelty) in the morning.

Liveitwell

Ha! ^^ my ex is the type to deny his statements and cruelty even if there is evidence! He'd be the type to call me crazy and abusive for tape recording him....a sentiment echoed by his sister. Ugh-crazy codependent psycho sister in law story for another day. Anyhow, getting a recorder is good advice-only if there is no risk of ohysical violence.

Peace to you!

garfiild

Yep - I didn't play the recordings when I first started doing it, for this reason, although I did document in the earliest recordings that I WAS in fact recording and that I would continue to do so whenever the situation became verbally abusive. Does A remember this? Doubt it, but it's enough (in my state anyway) to establish consent to the recording of A's abusive behavior). Wasn't until a month or two after I started, I woke up and listened to a recording that was SO outrageous, SO objectively "over the line" that I figured, not even A can listen to this and tell me it's anything but sickly abusive, cruel and wrong. I played it to sober A, and every time A started to talk I rewound it and started it again. I wasn't mad or upset, honestly I don't think I said anything at all.

If listening to the sound of your own insane, abusive voice being shockingly cruel to your own family is a "consequence," then this one actually made a difference in my house. I still get one-off A-type insanity (of course I still think I'm perfect!) and illogical manipulative "logic," but the no-holds-barred cruelty is largely abated. For which I am very grateful.

Hopeworks

Some states do not allow recording but video is permitted.... It's easy to push another button. Check your state laws and get legal advice