2 Steps Back
 

I am on a medication now for depression/anxiety. Have been for the past two weeks. Dealing with my RAH. He is doing great!

I have been awaiting a call for the past two weeks to start therapy with a psychologist. During this time most of my days have been happy ones. The call came a little while ago and I set up the appointment for therapy. It was like I ran into a brick wall. It was like I went numb. I had no feelings of happiness. Felt total sadness and some anger. Like, if it wasn't for my AH I wouldn't be going through all of this!!!!!! It seems when I get to a point when I think I am dealing okay with things, boom, another reminder hits and back I go.

Does this ever go away? My friend at work even says I am not my happy go lucky self anymore. I seem numb. That is because I am totally broken from this. It doesn't seem things will ever be normal.

This hurts so bad and I just want to crawl in a hole.

actually having a confirmed appointment with a therapist makes it all VERY REAL. all the strange uncomfortable things you feel right now are exactly WHY you are going to your appointment. do me a favor, write down in a journal what you posted here, and take that with you to your appointment.

pretend you are swimming towards a lifeboat....HOW you got IN the water isn't nearly as important as HOW you are going to get OUT.

Trust me, you aren't "totally broken." You're dealing with some anger and resentments, and you're taking steps to deal with them. Anvil's right. You can't change the past but you can change the way you live day to day.

For me it took over a month for anti-depressants to really kick in (true for most of them) so I recommend patience. You're taking the right steps and therapy should be a real help too. All the best.

Getting Better
 

I still have the emotional roller coaster going on, but it isn't totally attributed to this situation. It has something to do with the pre change of life us women go through. Now if things/emotions aren't hard enough to deal with because of the RAH situation, lets just add the pre change of life to it!!!!! Yee Haw!!!

My husband was out of town from last Wednesday to Sunday at his brothers wedding. His brother and now wife are both RAs, his dad and a lot of the guests were going to be RAs. The one thing I am still having a tough time with is I don't want to be around it. Other than my husband, I don't want to be around them. I want to apologize right up front if I offend anyone because I am surely not trying to do that. I can't really pinpoint why I don't want to be around them.

It was nice having a couple days break from the situation when he was gone. Not having to listen to any phone calls or discussions about it. (AA) Yesterday when he called his sponsor I started shaking and getting sick to my stomach because here it was, back again. I went to the bathroom and started crying (behind closed doors like I am "suppose" to do). He asked me what was wrong and I told him. He apologizes to me, which is not necessary most of the time, and I tell him that. I tell him these are feelings I have to work through while he takes care of himself.

I have done A LOT of reading and know I am suppose to step back, let him work the program and stay out of it, which I do for the most part. But I have also asked him to keep the phone calls out of my presence. At least for right now because I don't want to hear it. Maybe a lot of my sour feelings towards the RAs is that I know I don't trust, because I know what my husband did at our house as far as all the lies and deception. I look at these people as doing the same thing and don't want to be around them, even though I know they are recovering, etc.. These same people are the ones helping my husband through this and not me. That tends to make me resentful and a little angry. Again, I understand that is the way this program works and I have to let it go its course, etc..etc..etc...

I don't want to get beat up by people telling me to let my husband do his thing with the program. It is his program, not mine. That is the way it works, they help him and I don't. All of that I DO know. It doesn't erase the way I feel. I am working very hard at changing this, but I am just not ready to be around them or associate in any way with them. Good grief I feel bad for saying all of that because it sounds so judgemental and that is not how I want to sound. Thank you for listening.

maybe looking into the CONTROL aspects of your relationship and the current situation.....and beneath that resentment and FEAR. the other AA members represent some type of THREAT to your well being - whether that is real or not i can't say - but to YOU it feels very REAL and that needs to be acknowledged and examined.

he's still sober right? and still involved with AA? i don't think that is a coincidence...........

I am not sure I understand the CONTROL thing you are referring to. All the feelings I have are ME. It all has to do with ME. Not what he is doing wrong because he really isn't. He is working the program like he is suppose to and it is working for him. Which I am VERY happy about.

These feelings I explained are lessening all the time, so I know the reading I am doing is helping. Because of the reading and understanding more how all of this works, it helps me to deal with a lot of it better.

Yes he is sober and yes he is still involved with AA. It works for him and I will leave it at that.

It kinda sounds to me like you want this all to just magically go away. It won't. It can't. It is what it is--it's like having a spouse suddenly diagnosed with Alzheimer's or some other serious condition that can't help but affect your life, too.

Do you still love him? That isn't meant as a challenge or an accusation, but it's something serious to consider. You're not a horrible person if you don't. You wouldn't be the first spouse or partner to decide you simply don't want to deal with it. If you DO love him, then you need to work on getting past the anger and resentment because it will kill whatever relationship you still have. Like it or not, he's doing what he needs to do to save his own life.

If you DON'T feel the same way about him, though (and maybe you aren't even sure HOW you feel about him at this point), then it's kinder to walk away.

Have you considered a separation to try to sort out your feelings about him and the marriage?

LexieCat..Yes, I do love him with all my heart. It's like I have fallen in love with him all over again. Before he got sober I loved him but didn't LIKE him. You are right though, I have to make the decision. I have thought about that here lately and what comes across my mind is, I would feel more hurt not being married to him than staying. I don't know if I am fooling myself or what. Maybe once I got away and was allowed to totally heal it wouldn't be so hard being away. Yes, I have thought about a separation.

I know he has to do this to save his life. I have tried to think of it as being no different than the cancer patient, etc... The sad part is, I wouldn't leave him if he was sick like that, but to think I would entertain leaving him for this. It seems I am taking the "quitters" way out. Leaves me feeling major guillt.

I appreciate your words. Thank you.

Kimmi....possibly, could it work the other direction.....?
Like: If others are helping him (and, not you).....possibly he won't "need" you as much.....then, possibly you could lose him.....then, you would be alone.....and, being alone is very scary......
going to the psychologist may represent having to face all of your feelings and talk about them.....which does m ake it all very REAL to you. Makes your fears more real.....

I am just spitballin' another possible way to look at it.....

I can remember reading, somewhere, that the biggest fear of most wives when the husband starts to get sober is that they might lose him.....

I'm just discussing the topic....not saying that I know what is bothering you...

dandylion

DandyLion......Yes, that did cross my mind in the beginning of all of this. He would find me crying and ask me what was wrong. I would ask him if he loved me and if he was/would leave me now that he is sober. He just grabbed me, gave me the biggest hugs and told me, "No! I Love You and appreciate all you have done and are doing for me". I don't think like that anymore.

The good thing with him is I have been able to actually talk to him about most of the issues I am having (because he asked me to) and we have been able to talke them out. Most of the time I do the reading and stuff to figure things out because I don't want to bog him down with it. He needs to concentrate on his program.

He told me this morning that after his second marriage ended he felt like ****. Well, his ex wife filled my husbands dad with a bunch of lies. His dad (who is a RA of 35 yrs) continued to say to my husband, "You have the bug, you have the bug". "Watch out, you'll start drinking". Wow!! Talk about Mr. Support!!! NOT!! So, during their marriage he said he might have had 5 beers total. After she left and with his dads contant words in his ear, he felt very low and worthless and said, "F it...I have the bug I am just going to drink. Why the F not". Which after hearing all of that, I can understand why he did it. Meeting and marrying me just wasn't enough to pull him out of the pit he felt he deserved to be in.

But now he is the happiest he has been in a long time and that is why I so bad want to get myself straight so I don't ruin what we have now. He told me this morning that we will make it through anything and the only reason he would leave me is if I cheated on him. That IS NOT going to happen. Neither one of us are that way. :)

Sorry for babbling on, but I get started and can't stop. :) I get more confidence as days go by that he and I will make it through this. Thank you DandyLion