Kboys

Hi everybody
I haven’t posted in a while.
Things are basically the same, though a bit more positive regarding my relationship with dry AH. Some good things have happened, and we’ve had some conversations that have encouraged me. But…his temper and his anger still show their heads when I’m not expecting it, he’s still jealous and passive aggressively controlling. I still feel regret over not making him stay gone last October.
So yeah, just still kind of stuck, but at least things are more pleasant more of the time.

I feel like I made a lot of progress in the beginning, when I first started coming here last September and when I first started going to Al-anon last October… and then I feel like I kind of hit a plateau with that progress.
A major struggle for me right now is my overwhelming obsessive thoughts over the things I wish I would have done differently when AH was drinking and cheating. So many things I would have handled differently, had I been in a better, stronger mental space.

One of the things that I know is setting me back every day… but I have continued to do, is Facebook stalk the woman AH had an affair with.. Okay, I admitted it. I would never admit this to anybody else besides you all. Super embarrassing.

I think at first, it kind of made me feel better to see her pictures, especially the unflattering ones. She is more overweight than I am, and not particularly attractive, so I guess it made me feel better about myself to see the pictures of her, so I kept looking, to see if any new pictures were posted so that I could examine them and find all of her flaws. Totally sick, I know….

So several months ago, I blocked her so I couldn’t look anymore… Yeah, and then a while later I created a fake facebook account specifically for looking at her page.
And then I could tell that she started losing weight… and I started gaining weight, so there went that…..
Then I started noticing the posts she was sharing that made her seem more fun than me, and more uninhibited sexually, and she was posting things about how well-behaved her kids are, and that her two year old sleeps all night… mine doesn’t. Those are the things that (in my mind) AH liked about her better than me, so I was just re-opening the wound every time I looked, and I knew it, but I kept doing it….obsessively.

So as of yesterday, fake facebook is deactivated. And she will remain blocked on my actual facebook. I am hoping this will help me to continue to make progress

I needed to confess that. And I hope you all don’t think less of me now that you know I am an RFS - Recovering Facebook stalker

Thanks for being here to listen.

iamthird

We have all done things like this even if people don't admit it out loud. I have done something similar so I understand. But if you stop and realize all the time you are wasting could be better spent working on yourself.

Do not beat yourself up. I think you are brave for admitting it. Most people cannot be vulnerable enough to do so.

Just try to focus on yourself. Someone once told me the best revenge is to live well and prosperously. Do not let that woman steal your joy!

Wishing you much peace and calm today!

firebolt

We internalize other peoples actions so much, that of course you stalked her, and how could you not compare yourself to her?! I would have done the same - and probably would have added a couple flat tires to her life as well. (OK, pre meeting life there)

LOOK AT YOU! You realize it's unhealthy. BIG Progress.

I hate to compare, but....There are some pretty great things about you that I could guess she couldn't hold a candle to....

Number 1 being INTEGRITY.

Keep up the good work - your progress is obvious and looks great on you!

CarmenLove

I've done stuff like this too!

Sungrl

Guilty as charged.

I never FB stalked someone, I despise FB and don't have an account.

I can't count the number or drive by's and *67 phone calls.

That man drove me crazy, or so I thought until I realized I was makin my own crazy by staying with the weenie.

Admitting your faults is huge and now that you own, you can move past it.

SuzyMarie

You are not alone and I think it takes courage for you to admit it. I have looked at my ex's exes on Facebook waaaay too much. These are people who came before me and after!! How crazy is that!? Did the whole comparing thing to somehow make myself feel 'better'. Gees, you think I have a problem with self esteem? Your post was a clear sign from the Universe that I need to go back to blocking them all and rid of myself of these stumbling blocks in my recovery. Thank you for sharing this.

Kboys

Thank you for the responses everybody. You guys are the best.

Glad I'm not alone

I made plenty of *67 phone calls too

iGirl66

Nowhere near alone

Eauchiche

I can't fault you for any of this, Kboys!
I have used Facebook to find out if my mate was telling me the truth or not about trips, etc...
I frankly don't see the harm in it if it doesn't act as a trigger.

Lilro

You are definitely not alone on this one.....
Oh and just an FYI, my mother always said " it's not what they look like, it's what they say" and from the looks of some of my exabf ex girlfriends she is correct..lol....

hopeful4

Oh my goodness, I am so proud of you! I remember when my X had an affair years ago, I would stalk her facebook, google her, whatever. It is very unhealthy. Now, as a recovered codie, I would never do that, but it took YEARS for me to get to this point!

It took a lot of guts to come and talk about it. I know what you mean about obsessing of what you should have done too. Thing is, you cannot change the past no matter what. I know it's hard to think that way, but it is what it is. You can and are changing your future, and that is what is important!!!!

Many hugs!!!

freetosmile

Good job admitting to that. You're doing great.
Sounds like you and I are on the same page as far the anger and crap.......sorry about that--- it really sucks.

As far as you being a stalker (ha ha)-----you saw what you were doing and put an end to it. That's HUGE! Let's talk about THAT. Let's talk about recognizing unhealthy behavior and DOING something about it!

You totally rock ( I probably would have stalked her too).

hugs girlie! Glad to see you here

noinsanity2423

I just wanted to say thank you for this post. I followed my XAGF's Facebook for almost a month after I left until I went NC. I saw who she was adding to her page, the drunk pictures she was posting (with other dudes), and the messages she was sending them. I realized that looking at her Facebook was just opening the wound again. Once I cut that off and started working on myself, I started to feel a lot better. Now, I don't even care what she does.

What helped me stop looking was to think (when I was tempted to look), "What new information am I looking to get? Am I really going to find out something that I don't already know? Is it reasonable to think it will be different this time? Am I really going to be able to change her by looking at this?"

Thanks for making this post. It validates a lot of the feelings l had after leaving.

LeeJane

Well done for realising. I love it when we start to notice these things.

I also used to do all kind of snooping but stopped when I became aware it was damaging my self esteem .

Refiner

Omg I can't believe you did that! LOL just kidding!! Guilty as charged for that kind of stuff here too Glad this is a safe place where we can come clean

Kboys

Thanks guys. I can't use my thanks button on my phone or I would.
I guess I'm not as much of a weirdo as I thought I was. Ha
So thank you.

No insanity... I think those questions you ask yourself when tempted to look at fb are really helpful and I'm going to keep them in mind next time I feel tempted... Which I haven't by the way.
I've known how unhealthy it is for me for a while but kept doing it... Until I put it out there to you guys.. So glad I did!

amy55

I have a somewhat funny experience in regards to this thread. So, I read this thread. I am not and have never been, and never will be a facebook stalker. I don't have facebook, thank God, if I did, I would be really worried about me and my sanity.

So I read this, and I thought to myself, hey, you haven't checked google maps recently to see if they are updated and you can see your ex's house now on it. (They had it built, so wasn't old enough to show up on google map months ago).

So I type in his name and address. I think I came up with white page listing, you know the one that shows who this person knows. So his girlfriend is listed there, but his girlfriend now has his last name. (lol) They're married !!!!

My first thought was, OMG, that poor woman !!!!! (lol) I know from previous internet stalkings that the house is only in her name. I thought it would be easy for her to tell him to GTFO when she had enough, but now that poor woman is tied to him with a license. My heart breaks for her.

So, another one here guilty of internet stalking.

amy

NYCDoglvr

Wonderful! My first thought, when learning my ex was getting married was "thank God it isn't me!" It's wonderful to reach that point of recovery.

lizatola

Same here. I have even had trouble admitting it to my sponsor but I know it's very healing to open ourselves up like that and be vulnerable. I hope you are doing well through this and are working on keeping that obsession in check. I know how very hard it is to control it!

Hangnbyathread

All I know is there are now support groups for online addictions, in particular social media. But to my knowledge there are NO groups for those that need help that don't use them.

I am not on Facebook, Twitter, etc. And when I read threads like this, I am even happier I don't.