My first AlAnon meeting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
My first AlAnon meeting
I went to my first AlAnon meeting tonight. I'm an alcoholic, sober and following the AA program, but my H is drinking and I'm not coping very well at all with it.
I've been to countless AA meetings, but this felt so different. There was a calmness that I've rarely come across. In the shares I heard dignity, bravery and acceptance.
I felt so guilty that as an alcoholic I was part of their pain. I mean, not personally of course, but my actions had undoubtably caused others the same angst. And I felt...sort of uncomfortable, like I was a traitor in the room. Like I'd swapped sides or something.
That all probably sounds ridiculous. As an alcoholic, I've always felt at home in the rooms, but as the wife of one, this was unknown territory and I'm not sure I liked it.
I will go again, but are there any other double winners who have had the same experience? How do AlAnon members feel about alcoholics being part of their meetings?
I would value some thoughts on this. Thank you
I've been to countless AA meetings, but this felt so different. There was a calmness that I've rarely come across. In the shares I heard dignity, bravery and acceptance.
I felt so guilty that as an alcoholic I was part of their pain. I mean, not personally of course, but my actions had undoubtably caused others the same angst. And I felt...sort of uncomfortable, like I was a traitor in the room. Like I'd swapped sides or something.
That all probably sounds ridiculous. As an alcoholic, I've always felt at home in the rooms, but as the wife of one, this was unknown territory and I'm not sure I liked it.
I will go again, but are there any other double winners who have had the same experience? How do AlAnon members feel about alcoholics being part of their meetings?
I would value some thoughts on this. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
We have some double (and triple) winners in my Alanon meetings - some of the best, most calm and well rounded people I know. They have helped me more than I could ever repay.
Keep going!! We are judging ourselves - not you
You will provide very valuable perspective, insight, knowlege of the steps, and above all else...you'll help yourself deal with a tough situation at home. We know your pain well..so much empathy in the walls of Alanon.
Keep going!! We are judging ourselves - not you
You will provide very valuable perspective, insight, knowlege of the steps, and above all else...you'll help yourself deal with a tough situation at home. We know your pain well..so much empathy in the walls of Alanon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I personally appreciate the insight and experience of double winners in my Alanon meetings. Getting to know people who are living in sobriety and working true recovery actually helped me to be more compassionate to those who are still active in their disease, where before I just felt anger and resentment. Glad you had such a positive experience. Thanks for sharing and keep coming back.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
so great you went to alanon! i get the being uncomfortable, i was too at first. but it was me, not others... i have found alanon enhances my recovery from alcohol while addressing my codie stuff - a whole new level of self care which is invaluable.
remember your sobriety first in all things. i only mention this as i took my eye off the price and focused on my ras's stuff above my own for awhile and entered dangerous waters, for my recovery.
the two programs work well together. best wishes jeni! ain't sobriety grand!?
remember your sobriety first in all things. i only mention this as i took my eye off the price and focused on my ras's stuff above my own for awhile and entered dangerous waters, for my recovery.
the two programs work well together. best wishes jeni! ain't sobriety grand!?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I don't have any experience to share with going to alanon although imma Codie.
I do, however, will say I'm very impressed and proud of ya for going! I know you've had a wee bit of a rough time lately and I feel very happy and blessed to read of ya stepping up the action.
Good on ya!!
I do, however, will say I'm very impressed and proud of ya for going! I know you've had a wee bit of a rough time lately and I feel very happy and blessed to read of ya stepping up the action.
Good on ya!!
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
I am a double winner, too (did I ever think I would be saying that about my life...). I haven't gone to AlAnon yet. But I imagine I will be adding that to my "get well to do list".
Good for you for going, Jeni26
Good for you for going, Jeni26
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
My alanon sponsor is a double-winner, several times his AA experience has been really important for me. I identify a lot with the big-book and 12-and-12 I seem to be working an AA-ish Alanon program- I lack the obsession and allergy, booze just never did the trick for me. Instead I got my kicks sucking the life-force out of the people I love
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Many double winners in my home group. Probably in the other groups I've also been going to, but they all pretty much keep all other programs and info out of the Alanon meetings, which is good.
Some have shared their sobriety outside the meetings and some as AA speakers at AA/Alanon events; also some familiar faces at an open AA meeting I went to tonight. I don't need to know if they're in other programs besides Alanon, but my respect deepens as I first know someone through one program and then get to know them through another.
Keep coming back....
Some have shared their sobriety outside the meetings and some as AA speakers at AA/Alanon events; also some familiar faces at an open AA meeting I went to tonight. I don't need to know if they're in other programs besides Alanon, but my respect deepens as I first know someone through one program and then get to know them through another.
Keep coming back....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thanks everyone. That has made me feel a whole lot better 😊
I will be going again, and I will take on board your positive comments.
Another question...are you all open with your A about going to meetings? My relationship is rocky at the moment and I lied to him and told him I was at AA. It kept the peace and avoided any potential drama, but this morning I wondered whether I should have been honest. Lying and manipulation was the 'old me,', the alcoholic me, and I've moved away from that. But I didn't want a scene because I don't know how to handle it very well.
I will be going again, and I will take on board your positive comments.
Another question...are you all open with your A about going to meetings? My relationship is rocky at the moment and I lied to him and told him I was at AA. It kept the peace and avoided any potential drama, but this morning I wondered whether I should have been honest. Lying and manipulation was the 'old me,', the alcoholic me, and I've moved away from that. But I didn't want a scene because I don't know how to handle it very well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
I didn't feel weird going to al anon and aa at the same time because I was an acoa. I fit in at al anon (if not more) then I did in aa. The al anon stuff was the real core of my issues .
also, don't feel guilty. Noone is court ordered at al anon . They are usually not hold ing onto resentments towards the alcoholic anymore, just Learning how to hold them accountable for what their behavior without blaming them. AL anon focuses on the disease concept so it is accepted in the rooms that theire loved ones has a disease that they can not control- not a lack of morals.
" it's not my fault but it's my problem"- good qoute I rememebr
also, don't feel guilty. Noone is court ordered at al anon . They are usually not hold ing onto resentments towards the alcoholic anymore, just Learning how to hold them accountable for what their behavior without blaming them. AL anon focuses on the disease concept so it is accepted in the rooms that theire loved ones has a disease that they can not control- not a lack of morals.
" it's not my fault but it's my problem"- good qoute I rememebr
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Step-work in both disciplines requires honesty, with yourself first and then with eveyone else. 9th step means do no further harm. Accordingly I'd say its important to be honest about your program work to the extent you share it, and where/how you share it shouldn't be a burden to those you share it with. Perhaps you needn't emphasize the "family of alcoholics" angle and instead characterize the alanon work as trying to broaden your recovery and leave it at that. I find I don't need to share details about my RAW's alcohol use, just occasionally in general so as to give some context to what <I> was doing which is the focus of my shares- so I think its entirely plausible that you could work an alanon program and be able to honestly tell him that you don't share details about his situation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
That actually came up a couple of meetings ago. We were talking about anonymity, but it turned to whether or not we told the alcoholic we were attending Alanon.
Different people had different experiences. I broke my anonymity because my ex asked for my private journals during a custody case and I honestly didn't feel like blacking out 200 pages to keep my participation a secret. Since we don't live together I have the luxury of not giving a crap what he thinks of me going to Alanon. I also know that if we were still together he would have made it his business to interfere with me going to meetings and it would have been one more reason for him to drink and rage at me.
Yes, honesty is important, but if it is going to put you in danger or make your situation worse, you can say you're going to a meeting and not specify what kind, or that you're getting together with friends. Both those things are technically true anyway. Alanon meetings should make your life more manageable, not less.
Different people had different experiences. I broke my anonymity because my ex asked for my private journals during a custody case and I honestly didn't feel like blacking out 200 pages to keep my participation a secret. Since we don't live together I have the luxury of not giving a crap what he thinks of me going to Alanon. I also know that if we were still together he would have made it his business to interfere with me going to meetings and it would have been one more reason for him to drink and rage at me.
Yes, honesty is important, but if it is going to put you in danger or make your situation worse, you can say you're going to a meeting and not specify what kind, or that you're getting together with friends. Both those things are technically true anyway. Alanon meetings should make your life more manageable, not less.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Good stuff there, ladyscribbler.
A few years ago, while in recovery, I got into a relationship with a chronic relapser. A whooooole lotta drama and chaos. Was gonna head out one night to have some fun but knew iffen I told her exactly how that fun was goIng to be and who with the **** would fly. So I called a good friend and asked him what I should do beings as i was working at living an honest life.
Pretty simple reply to me:
Be honest, not stupid.
Telling her Exactly where I was going, who I was going with, and what we were doing would have had the circus music starting...again.
I don't always like circus music.
A few years ago, while in recovery, I got into a relationship with a chronic relapser. A whooooole lotta drama and chaos. Was gonna head out one night to have some fun but knew iffen I told her exactly how that fun was goIng to be and who with the **** would fly. So I called a good friend and asked him what I should do beings as i was working at living an honest life.
Pretty simple reply to me:
Be honest, not stupid.
Telling her Exactly where I was going, who I was going with, and what we were doing would have had the circus music starting...again.
I don't always like circus music.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I went to an al-anon with my husband once (we were a few minutes into date night and I KNEW that I needed a meeting ASAP to be even slightly enjoyable to be around. So I said I needed a meeting, I said he could accompany me and he elected to join.)
While my husband actually had a really thoughtful share in the meeting (I'm not an addict, but his dad, brother and sister are - so is he but he's the only one in recovery) when we left he told me that he wasn't comfortable being there and wouldn't consider going back anytime soon. Even though two of the other members revealed that they too were addicts in recovery - both with many years of sobriety under their belts. I think it stirred up some guilt, shame and probably some resentments.
My first sponsor told me on several occasions that for an addict al-anon is like attending 12 step grad school - that their primary 12 step program really needs to be solid before they can attempt an additional 12 step program.
With all of that said, al-anon is for anyone who is effected by the drinking of a friend or family member. You're definitely qualified and if you found some kind of peace of mind or help in your meeting, I encourage you to go back. It's been very helpful for me.
While my husband actually had a really thoughtful share in the meeting (I'm not an addict, but his dad, brother and sister are - so is he but he's the only one in recovery) when we left he told me that he wasn't comfortable being there and wouldn't consider going back anytime soon. Even though two of the other members revealed that they too were addicts in recovery - both with many years of sobriety under their belts. I think it stirred up some guilt, shame and probably some resentments.
My first sponsor told me on several occasions that for an addict al-anon is like attending 12 step grad school - that their primary 12 step program really needs to be solid before they can attempt an additional 12 step program.
With all of that said, al-anon is for anyone who is effected by the drinking of a friend or family member. You're definitely qualified and if you found some kind of peace of mind or help in your meeting, I encourage you to go back. It's been very helpful for me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
