Looking for confirmation - was I wrong?
 

I'm looking for confirmation on my decision to recently end a 2 month relationship with a woman who appeared to have a serious problem. I am feeling guilty that I may have acted harshly but I think I know the answer. The facts:

1) She is a bartender/beverage cart girl at a golf course and has been known to drink on the job - reprimanded more than once and several jokes made by co-workers and even her boss about her drinking.
2) First date included several drinks (admittedly by both of us). Second date at her house I had nothing and she drank wine. Third date we both drank but I stopped after a couple and she continued to have several drinks.
3) She takes beer in a cozy or wine in a travel mug just to run errands any time of the day or night.
4) On the way to a party, she tried to open a bottle of Fireball (cinnamon whiskey) to take a swig while stopped at a red light a few blocks from the house. She also had a few drinks prior to heading out to the party. ( I wound up leaving early and walked home after a tiff over her "partying").
5) I once pointed out to her that her hand was shaking one morning while reaching for her coffee. She said it was "the alcohol", then told a "funny" story about a customer who made the same comment one day. This seems serious.
6) She once drank a warm beer at 2pm because she said "I need it now" instead of chilling it in the freezer for a few minutes.
7) She rotates liquor stores.
8) She drinks an estimated case (12 x 750ml) of wine per week plus beer and occasional shots and mixed drinks.
9) She doesn't dispose of empty bottles directly into the trash or recycling. I've seen empty bottles by the case in her garage.
10) I've caught her lying on a few occasions when there was no need to.
11) She jokes about drinking i.e., "I'm not drinking anymore....or any less!"
12) I suggested sex would be better sober and she said it didn't matter to her.
13) I'm not the first partner to comment on her drinking.
14) I could go on.....

I broke up with her because of one too many angry outbursts including insults and criticism that came out of left field - irrelevant topics that weren't even being discussed. Her mom committed suicide when she was 5, her brother did the same when she was 29. She's divorced, has anxiety (possibly addicted to Xanax as she rounds it up on the street because her doc won't refill the Rx), her son is supposedly on heroin, and she has a brother in prison for various assault and drug charges.

I told her flat out she is an alcoholic and needs help. That her friends are not a good group to rely on. That she is screwing up her life. And that she, frankly, is a mess. I wasn't kind and it got heated with name calling and other accusations. Then I did some research on all this and I'm torn up with guilt that I may have pushed her to the brink. She is an alcoholic I do believe, but she told me to never contact her again. I'd like to make amends and support her if needed. Should I and how?

It appears she has a number of problems, and does, indeed, need help. If you are unwilling to be with this person due to addictions on their part, thats well within your perogative. I know bloody well that I was NOT dating material when I was in active addiction.

If you choose to contact her, and she accepts, how do you intend to "help?" If she isn't ready to change, you're only creating a mess in your own life for her sake. My ex tried with me...lord did she try. I wasn't ready then, and if this is your first exposure to heavy addiction, I encourage you to examine whether you REALLY want that in your life or not.

I could say more, but the long and short is you did what you feel was right for your own sanity and health. That's nothing to be ashamed of or feel bad about.

"Always Believe!" -The Ultimate Warrior

Wow! That is a LOT of stuff for just two months. If it were me, I would run far and fast. She has a serious drinking problem and you cannot help her since it appears she has no intention of stopping drinking and has told you to never contact her again. I would honor that request and get gone.

I agree with Suki 100%. This woman has a sh**tload of very serious problems and you are wise to end it after only two months. Everything you wrote sounds like she is an alcoholic and addict who is not looking for help. You did not drive her to the brink, she drove herself there and drank at red lights while doing it!

Honor her request and don't contact her again. You dodged a bullet.

Welcome to SR, achintobe, and I'm glad you found us here. To me, it sure sounds like you made the right decision. There are tons of red flags, and when you bear in mind that what we actually see going on tends to be the tip of the iceberg, you did indeed dodge that bullet.

If you have the time, do some reading around this part of the forum, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a ton of useful info there. It will give you an idea of what you're in for if you do decide to remain in this woman's life. Checking the Alcoholics section will give you a little perspective from that side as well as showing you just how little effect anything you do will have on her drinking or not drinking. Checking out an open Alanon/AA meeting might be really informative for you too.

Again, I'm glad you got out of that mess, and I'm glad you came here for some support and education. Hope it helps.

Trust me - you did the right thing. I'd keep observing that no-contact rule.

You didn't "push her to the brink"--she's already over the brink.

Since she asked you not to contact her again, I'd leave her alone. If she does contact you, you can apologize for any cruelty in what you said, but I wouldn't go further than that. You can say you are sorry for any hurt you caused, that you hope she chooses recovery at some point, and wish her well. Under NO circumstances should you get involved with her again--not unless you want a whole bunch of avoidable misery in your life.

I would stay far, far away if I were in your shoes.

Send her a simple card in the mail stating that you were rather harsh on her. Then, let it all go. Drama is something to stay clear of. It can entrap one such as a spider web. Life is to short and precious to be making deliberate bad choices.

MM

Thank you all. I know leaving the relationship was the right thing to do.

My conflict is/was that I know her life situation is not all her fault. She didn't choose for the tragic events within her family to happen. But then I figure she IS choosing to not deal with everything constructively. I'm not interested in playing the savior role, but she is a human being just like the rest of us. I know I can't do anything unless she wants it, but she is surrounded by a whole circle of people who are not doing her any good.

I like the card idea. I can apologize and the offer for support will be there, but then its all on her.

I'd be careful how you word that "offer for support"--she might look at that as an open invitation for you to rescue her anytime she gets into a jam.

If you say anything at all about willingness to support her, I'd keep it STRICTLY in terms of supporting her IF she decides she wants to get sober and stay that way. Personally, I don't see that you owe her anything after only two months of dating.

I heard this while listening to an interview on public radio: Life isn’t about the things we go through, it’s about the choices we make while we’re going through them.

I don't think there are many of us who are untouched by some sort of tragedy by the time we reach adulthood. Yet many of us do NOT choose to deal w/the fallout of whatever problems are in our lives by drinking, drugging, etc.

You are so right. She DOES have choices.