Refiner

OR............ you could "feed" right into the N's hands. All your requests to taking down your photos on his FB are giving him his "supply"... he gets to be in control and NOT do what you want him to do in order to knowingly upset you. Upseting you makes the N feed GOOD! You could say how keeping your photo up makes you actually feel really good about yourself and how you're impressed that he would like to keep them published, etc. But nahhhhh... that would get twisted around in some sick way to hurt you anyway. Yep, better not engage.

Kimmieh

Thanks all! I did sent a last request to take down the pictures right after I received the email. Just one sentence, pointing out that there is no reason for them to be on there. I shouldn't have, but the it was a spur of the moment thing.

But yes, that's it. I know what is going on and that's good enough. I bruised his ego and now he is lashing out to protect that ego. I have blocked his facebook and have decided to not do anything about the pictures (thanks to you lovely people). If those are the crumbs he needs to feel good about himself, so be it. After all they also communicate that he did sustain this relationship. I hope they might be a clue to women in the future who might ask him why he would keep them around.

I realize that last night I was primarily in such shock about the flip from always sweet and cheerful and charming to UTTERLY nasty, cold, condescending, and even covertly threatening ("I will not into your weak points as I do not see the point in that"). It felt so very creepy.

I deleted everything and I take solace in the fact that I dodged a bullet. I am grateful that on that day I was belligerent during our discussion, which prompted him to drop me then. Otherwise this might have all happened in person during my visit.

So as gross as this feels right now, I got out of it undamaged and I feel lucky to only have seen this side of him in an email. My heart goes out to people dealing with this in marriages...

atalose

I think alcoholism is a very narcissistic disease, there must be some character trails that your EXABF and this man have in common that attracted you to them both.

Often we have focused so long on the drinking, alcoholism that we miss all the other red flags when we meet someone new who is not an alcoholic.

Same type of person – different package.

With each new experience in our live we learn about new red flags, the ones we were not really looking for.

Next go around you have more knowledge to recognize what it is you do not want in a partner.

Live and learn and move on.

Kimmieh

That is exactly what happened.

I actually liked this guy for all the things my ex wasn't or hadn't. He seemed stable, didn't drink, conscientious, held a job, was working on career (smoke and mirrors I know now), etc.

My axbf is an alcoholic, but he is not a narcissist. He is a very compassionate and loving person, just very troubled with lots of issues he self-medicates. When I broke up with him, he let me go saying "I am sad about this, but I want the best for you" and we are now best friends (he is in recovery).

But yeah, I was so hung up on the alcoholism that its absence seemed enough. But I will also say this guy charmed the living hell out of me. Played a very good game. And he knew I was very very lonely and depressed and vulnerable. He went in for the kill right after I had lost a job prospect and was at my lowest.

Kimmieh

He posted about sex with me and the other woman on a forum (in detail) we both frequent. He is also sadistic.

I felt sick and almost had a panic attack over it. A friend calmed me down and I decided not to have anything done about it (moderators would delete it if I asked) as not to allow him to think I care. He is baiting me . I re-directed this forum in my browser as to avoid it and thank the universe for saving me from this person. So today I am grateful that I have the tools to not engage.

redatlanta

He did WHAT?

He is baiting you. Glad you picked up on it. In my fantasy world you would have responded about his shortcomings - best idea is what you did. No response, redirect here, thank God you aren't involved with him anymore.

Kimmieh

Yeah, he compared the sexual behaviors of the two women he has slept with - myself and the woman he cheated with, disguised as a question for forum members. He knew I would read it. He thinks I am in pain over losing him (I am not) and he posts that. Sick doesn't quite cover it.

But I am off that forum now. That was the only place left where I can "run into him." And I like the idea that he won't like that I am not taking the bait. Or react to the punishment (because that is what this is also).

I cannot imagine to what depths this could have dragged me emotionally. Unbelievable. Now I only need to forgive myself for having engaged with such a person. But I think I will be alright. I was vulnerable and lonely and he targeted me.

I am so so so grateful for this forum. It's saving my sanity over and over and over again. <3

NYCDoglvr

What I've learned is to stop pointing the finger at others, taking their inventory, but dealing with my own problems.

Kimmieh

I feel violated by this person and I am processing. My own problem right now is how he makes me feel, so I need a safe place to talk about this. I will be back to just me in due time.

murrill

I am the daughter of a narcissist, and I am only now coming to accept just how futile it is to hope it will change. It is my Mother, and she is currently in the early stages of Alzheimer's. As her disease progresses she is less & less able to mask her self-absorption.
She has been driven by a need to present as sophisticated and refined. Family friends include me in invitations to cook-outs, etc., but she fails to tell me. ("Well.....there's alcohol...." I have been sober >26 years, so I think I could handle it.) She goes on an on and on about who owns what and how much money they have, and she rewards with "gifts" of money--although it is essential that the giftee bow to her supremacy. I've refused, so you can probably guess where I stand. I think that the most egregious habit is her chronic self-pity, her ongoing moan about how she has "tried and tried" to be a good Mother but I've never appreciated it. She has cultivated the myth of "sainthood," and I am powerless to challenge it. She has surrounded herself with "friends" who buy into her "devoted Mother with ungrateful & damaged daughter" story. Shades of Munchaussen by proxy? Conversations about things that I enjoy--books, gardening, movies, etc--are ignored, forgotten and dismissed, but she makes an ebullient & effusive to-do over others who engage in the same. She gushes over what other people do or say or accomplish, but for some reason my comparable experiences do not matter. "I can't remember," she groans,"I have too much on me." She needs to appear as benevolent & philanthropic to the public, even though the motivation is a thoroughly selfish one. I wish that I had not remained so physically close to this situation. I'm discovering that the phenomena of the narcissistic Mother is not uncommon, and there is comfort in that. Still, I doubt that I will ever overcome the reputation that she has perpetuated.

bailey17

Narcissists feel very badly about themselves on the inside, much like having a very deep void inside. They tend to align themselves with situations and things that demonstrate power and high status in order to make themselves feel worthy.

But underneath it all, they feel very frightened, unsure, and insecure about themselves. Therefore, they project these insecurities onto the people that are closest to them. Some examples of narcissistic behavior I can give is that I once dated a man whose phone had been shut off and he was using my cell phone to contact possible future employers. He told the employers that "my secretary has my phone so she will forward all calls to me". The narcissism prevents him from admitting that he has a possible flaw (phone turned off from lack of payment) and in turn he is able to make himself look like he has power while also degrading his girlfriend by referring to her as his secretary.

If you are dealing with a true narcissist, you have to understand that the suffering they feeling inward due to insecurities will absolutely be projected outwards, and it will be projected onto those they feel closest to who also allow the behavior. A narcissist can really make you feel bad about yourself, and that is the goal of the illness. Just remember, when he makes you feel badly about yourself, it's because he is sick and hurt inside and things like that don't change. It is usually a life long disorder.

I have to remember "it's not me, it's the narcissism. I can't internalize all of the sick things he is saying/doing"

I hope that helps