Furiosa

I've been friends with this guy, let's call him M, for about five months now. I will admit that when we first started hanging out, I would drink with him because I didn't realize he had a problem. Once I realized that he was an alcoholic, I wanted to separate myself from him and remain friends but maybe not good friends. I'd watched my mom deal with an alcoholic boyfriend and I didn't want to go down that road. Well, we ended up becoming really close friends; hanging out constantly, spending the night at each others houses at least 5x a week. Finally, he admitted to me that he was an alcoholic, something I'd been waiting for him to admit so I could help him. I told him that I'd be his sober friend, that I'd stop drinking right along with him. That was at least 2 months ago. It's been the whole two steps forward, a mile backwards thing for these past 2 months. He goes on binges. He's called me at 1AM to come pick him up. I don't mind picking him up, I told him to call me whenever he needed me no matter what time of day. But it's gotten to the point where it's seriously affecting my life. My friends are noticing how deep I am in trying to help him and getting angry with me because I've blown off plans with them because he needed me. I've almost lost friends because of it. I've gotten to the point where I'm riddled with anxiety when I haven't heard from him for a few hours and the only way I feel better is if I hear from with him or see him. I've driven all over town looking for him, I've left work early because he'd been drinking and was texting me strange things. Today he was saying he wanted to give up. He still drinks, he's barely cut back. He says he wants to get better but he hates himself. I cannot make him see how good he is despite his disease. He hates when I called it a disease because he says it isn't. So I usually call it his "demon." I tell him he's stronger and better than his demon and that he can get passed it but he really doesn't seem to think so. He doesn't think he's worth it. He tries to push me away and has flat out told me he will push me away even harder if I say certain things. I now I've enabled him, I can admit it. But it's usually either I drive him somewhere or he threatens to get in his car and drive and I know he'll do it and I don't want anyone's lives to be in danger. I've gotten to the point where I just want to quit. I just want to walk away because it's gotten so hard. It makes me so sad to think about walking away and makes me feel bad. I don't want to watch him spiral out of control and ruin his life. He's such a sweet, kind, caring person when he isn't drinking. He doesn't see it. And I know part of the recovery process is loving yourself but I cannot make him see the good he has inside him. I can't get him to go to AA. I can't get him to even try detoxing at home. Any suggestions?

53500

This is extremely unhealthy for you. You see this, right? You are not this guy's keeper. You're letting him run your life with his drama. He is an adult and can (and will) do what he wants, and what he wants is to drink.

I don't mean to sound cold but I've been down this road with an addict. The late night scary calls, worrying about him so much you cannot function, running all over town looking for him, thinking you can save him from himself. You can't. When and if he's ready to get help, he will. He isn't ready.

Save yourself while you can, before it gets worse, before you lose friends or your job or worse. And this: I'd rescind that offer ASAP. He should not call you any time of day. He can call you at normal times of day and keep his drama to himself while you are at work. If you think he's driving drunk call the police.

Better yet, quit like your gut is telling you.

Furiosa

I really don't want to be like so many others that have walked away. I couldn't walk away and not still worry. I'd constantly be worrying about him still. And when he IS ready, he's going to need someone there for him. I want to be that person.

Thomas45

Sorry if this comes across as blunt, but I'm a little confused as to how you could end up at this situation... if you already understood that shoving your hand in the fire would burn your hand, why would you do it anyway? If you recognize that someone is no good for you, listen to what you're telling yourself and act accordingly. There are ways to politely decline socializing with people who you don't want to be close to.

So walk away. Let me remind you of your own words: "I'd watched my mom deal with an alcoholic boyfriend and I didn't want to go down that road." You are putting yourself down that same road. You owe no obligation to this man to be his safety net, and he is not your responsibility. He is a grown adult and can deal with the consequences of his own choices.

Furiosa

I guess I should have pointed out I decided to go down the road. I WANT to help him. I can't be the ONLY person who's been in a situation similar. I thought I could come here for advice. But maybe I was wrong. I know what I wanted in the beginning is the exact opposite of what I'm doing now. I can't be the only person who's ever been like "oh no, I don't want to go down this road" yet has anyways. I also thought this was supposed to be a place to support those wanting to help others get better and that people here would understand where I was coming from. Again, I guess I was wrong. I don't think I'll ever be able to find someone to help me.

Dodge31

You can't change him. He drinks because he wants too. He will just lead you a crazy dance. He will tell you whatever you want to hear to keep you hanging around. If he really wanted to stop he would. How about trying to help yourself? I don't mean to be blunt but I have a child with an drunk its not pretty it only gets worse.

theseithakas

Furiosa, I don't think anyone is trying to be unsupportive of you. It's just that so many of us have been down this road, and ultimately it's almost always a road of awfulness and pain. Many of us have almost lost ourselves trying to save someone else.

The description of your current experience is very very close to what the first year of being with my XA was like. Once I realized he was an alcoholic, I would have done anything to keep him sober. I would lie awake at night worrying about every single thing that he was doing, I would indulge him whenever I could, I was so protective of him. For that whole year and then some, he drank behind my back. I was a complete wreck. A few months in, I ended up incredibly sick and in the hospital with unthinkable stomach pains. I was there for a week, no one could figure out what was wrong with me, and it took nearly two more years for me to be diagnosed with celiac disease and for my doctors to figure out that all my mitochondria had been totally destroyed when I first got sick. I'm still struggling with the idea of having a chronic illness and trying to get my disease under control, nearly three full years later.

I tell that story because, while of course I understand the science behind what happened to me, I can't even begin to pretend that I don't think a part of it was because of the tremendous amount of stress that I was under at the time. I think it's taken me so long to heal because that stress never fully abated.

While I probably should have left my XA a long time ago, I did find a lot of relief in coming to these boards and realizing that I could not control his actions. Once I detached in that way, I was able to sleep at night, because...I mean, he was either going to drink or not drink regardless of whether or not I was awake worrying about it.

It was hard for me to accept that I needed to take care of myself before him. I'm the only one looking out for myself, so I need to be my first priority. It's easy for me, as I imagine it is for many others, to start with the - but who will take care of him - narrative, but, uh...who's taking care of me? He needs to take care of him and I need to take care of me. He's an adult whose actions have natural and real consequences, just as mine do. If I prevent him from feeling the weight of those consequences, I'm not helping him, I'm just enabling him. If I never set a boundary and enforce it, I'm just encouraging him to continue his bad behaviors.

In the end, I had to walk away, because the damage that had been done in our relationship was irreparable. I wish I had had the good sense to walk away in the beginning, but, you know, we all think we're special and different. I let his alcoholism and anger issues rip my life apart, and now I have to rebuild. I would strongly encourage you to put yourself first, and let him figure things out on his own. That truly is the most loving thing you can do, for you, and for him.

redatlanta

Most people here have been down your road. I think what you came here for was the answer in how to "fix" your alcoholic - its why many of us came.

You won't find that answer here because you cannot fix him. What can happen as you enable him is you end up in just as bad a place as he is which sounds like where you are headed.

I suggest you get the book Co-Dependent no more my Melanie Beattie and start there. Clearly you are tired of the situation as you state "I've gotten to the point that I want to just quit". If you continue down the path it is you who will lose friends and possibly your job. I guess you need to think about what its worth to you, is it worth that?

If there was a way to get an Alcoholic to seek treatment and quit trust me we would tell you. I do suggest you start laying some boundaries down to help yourself. No more leaving work or disruptions at work. No more late night calls. Try and reel in the free for all so that you can have some control over your life and the Alcoholic in your life isn't managing and controlling you.

LexieCat

Yup, I'd say every one of us has been in your shoes at some point in our relationship with an alcoholic. You seem to think that "abandoning" him would be disloyal or hurtful.

I'm almost 7 years sober, and have been around alcoholics and recovery for 35 years (when my first husband got sober). I've known hundreds of sober alcoholics. Virtually every one, when they tell their story, talk about how it wasn't until everyone around them had lost patience with them, and decided to quit bailing them out, that they recognized how bad the situation really was and that they were desperate enough to do whatever it takes.

You aren't doing him any favors by worrying about him and rescuing him.

Nor yourself.

iamthird

I wanted to be the one there for my STBAXH also. He was estranged from his family of origin, no friends, etc...I made every excuse for him in the book for his behavior and lost my self respect just to be "there for him". Now that he is in early recovery, he actually expressed that he lost all respect for me because he could do whatever he wanted with no consequences. Instead of appreciating me always "there for him", he resents me for it! What a slap in the face! I thought I was being a good wife, a forgiving Christian woman...the moments of vulnerability and glimpse of what he could be somehow warranted all the poor behavior.

It is not until I started respecting myself did things start getting better. I love the concept that everyone sets the tone of how they are treated in any relationship. You really do have to love yourself first and know your worth.

Refiner

What kind of advice will you accept from these same people that have walked in your shoes? It sounds like the only advice you're willing to take is how to get him to stop drinking. How to make him realize he really is a good and worthy person. How to get him to AA. If that's the advice you are looking for, you won't find it here bc it doesn't exist. Sorry you're so put out with those taking the time to reach out to you with REAL WORLD advice for your situation. I find that to be a bit rude.

MIRecovery

You are receiving the advice you need to hear not the advice want to hear. There has been some very sound advice hopefully you will realize these people know what they are talking about before you suffer more than you already have.

AlcSis

I agree.

Unfortunately, so many of us (including, me), go ahead and do what our hearts tell us. When our minds, our intellect, our guilt feelings , what-ever it is, tells us that we may be doing the wrong thing.

Not sure what it is; Our guilt, our need to rescue, whatever it is - keeps us in a no-win situation.

When logic, and the "experience, strength and hope" of others tell us differently.

Reality (TRUTH) often sucks. It REALLY sucks when decisions are made, and in hindsight one can look back and realize a better decision could have been made.

Please know that the members here are speaking from experience and wisdom from life with an alcoholic/addict.

SR members are speaking to YOU (and others who will come along and read this thread) because - perhaps if the TRUTH is spoken and heeded; then, there is possibly one less co-dependent/potential Alanon member (YOU) who will be spared the pain and potential horrors of trying to "fix" an alcoholic.

But today, it (looks/reads) like your heart and your free-will may or will override what very sound words of wisdom that have been given to you.

Good luck. We (SR Friends and Family members) just don't want to see someone else suffer as we have.



p.s. I am rather new here to this site; however, I posted here not too long ago and received some VERY sound wisdom/advice. VERY difficult to follow. But I did. And I am VERY grateful that I did. I am far from perfect, but I am so grateful for the wisdom received here and for my Higher Power guiding me here.

You are in my prayers.

And know that: Sometimes when making a decision; the choice that is the hardest to make is the OFTEN best/wisest one......

ladyscribbler

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html

This might be what you're looking for. You won't find a lot of people on this forum who will encourage you to stick around trying to fix, change, save or otherwise "be there" for an active alcoholic who has done nothing to help themselves except cry, manipulate and make threats to keep their enabler hooked in.
Good luck.

Hopeworks

I also devoted 4 long years chasing my XA around with a box of huggies, a broom and a fire extinguisher to no avail. Jails, rehabs, courtrooms and jails nor I could stop him from binging.

His words didn't match his actions and he was a crazy mean drunk when he wasn't my sweet angel. It got worse... It always does.

I threw him out 4 years ago and he drank to insanity and then got sober over and over again. With or without me nothing changes if nothing changes.
But you are probably way more powerful then I ever was. I have been on this board now for over 5 years and it's pretty universal that the only person that can change an A is himself... He has to want it more than his next breath and be willing to do the work of authentic recovery.

Right now you are just training him to use you as the perfect "best friend" for his clean up crew.

AnvilheadII

I'd been waiting for him to admit so I could help him

for about five months now

but it's gotten to the point where it's seriously affecting my life.

the only way I feel better is if I hear from with him or see him. I've driven all over town looking for him, I've left work early because he'd been drinking and was texting me strange things.

all the above are huge red flags regarding YOUR behavior. not his. he already HAD a drinking problem when you came along, HIS behavior is not new. your entire life has been affected and now you have become completely enmeshed in this other person's life. and it now all hinges on HIM getting better.......while you continue to spiral farther and farther.

i'd also say that your feelings for him go much farther than just "friends".

And when he IS ready, he's going to need someone there for him. I want to be that person. if he decides he wants to quit and stay quit he needs the help of professionals and other sober recovering alcoholics. you can 't fix him or save him....but you can continue to try......it's your life.