Wisconsin

We're in the home stretch. My AH still knows/believes I am leaving him, although he does not know that I have a specific plan in motion or a specific date. I think he believes it is just a nebulous plan.

I've now had numerous lectures about how if I really cared about his opinions, blah blah blah, I would use the money I obviously have to help him with some stuff (his dog needs surgery, he is behind on the rent on our current place, etc.) because of "everything he has done for me." I am OBVIOUSLY a terrible person for even considering leaving a man who has "done so much" for me.

Yes, I realize this is an insane alcoholic saying these things to me, and that he is not capable of a "normal" conversation that one would have if trying to convince a spouse not to leave. And 90% of the time, it doesn't even make me angry anymore. I don't even have a desire to respond. I just look at him while he talks, and wait patiently for him to shut up and walk away.

But honestly, I just want to be left alone. I know that isn't realistic in the final weeks. I know that things will likely escalate and get worse before I move in August, especially once he finds out I have a place to go and a firm move date. But seriously...I just want to be left alone.

I'm conflicted about the Fourth. Historically we have spent the holiday with one of my friends who has an excellent view of her local fireworks. She is not hosting this year, though, and my daughters are with their dad. So it is just me, AH, and our five year old son. Part of me just wants to send them on their merry way for fireworks and have the evening to myself. Part of me wants to be there with our son. I'm just going with the flow at this point, knowing that more will be revealed.

Latte

Dear doG yes! He's quacking. I'm so sorry he's being a PITA. It gets better.

AnvilheadII

I wouldn't send my five year old ANYWHERE with your AH. especially not at night on the 4th of July, which is a crazy time aka Amateur Night for every idiot who wants to drink and blow things up.

your AH can do whatever he chooses. let him go. miss the "excellent view" of the fireworks THIS year and stay safe and keep your precious baby with you.

we just had a news report here of a 3 year old who bolted IN to traffic and was hit by a car and died on the scene. she was with her "caregiver" who obviously didn't have her safety as a priority.....

Eauchiche

I REALLY admire you for being this strong. I am basically N/C with my ex, because if I had to interact with him very much, I would get sucked right back in. The only way to be healthy around an active alcoholic, I believe, is to have the same clinical detachment their doctor or nurse would have.

Thanks for sharing.

honeypig

I sure do understand your desire to just have AH out of your face, Wisconsin. This is gonna be a looooong month for you, I fear! Based on your reluctance to leave your son alone w/AH in the past, I'm guessing that, in the end, you'll decide on a course of action for the 4th where that doesn't happen.

Sending you strength and even MORE patience!

redatlanta

I learned to turn of the volume a long time ago. I can be thinking about whatever I want and really not be listening to what the other person is saying while moderately participating in the conversation.

I will admit sometimes it doesn't work out so well like when I agreed that RAH should buy a motorcycle LOL.

Just try and keep your eye on the prize and your head in a healthy place. This month will be over soon enough.

LexieCat

Yeah, I don't think I'd send my 5 y/o off to a Fourth of July event with his actively alcoholic dad. If you have ANY concern that he might drink and drive, I think I'd go just to make sure your son isn't riding with a drunk driver.

Refiner

Perhaps you can take off with your son to see some fireworks before blah blah mouth realizes you've taken off? The part about the dog needing surgery makes me sad, though :'-(

Wisconsin

My heart hurts for that poor dog. He is one of the many reasons I have stayed as long as I have. My AH brought him into our marriage. He is a rescue dog, who was very badly abused by a prior owner. He is definitely in the twilight of his life, and I will miss him fiercely. I refuse, however, to be guilt-tripped into feeling responsible for my AH's lack of money for his surgery. AH spends hundreds of dollars a month on beer, tobacco, hanging out in bars, etc.

Thanks everyone for the input. My concern that AH will drink and drive with our son is very low at this point, but I am also very aware that the drinking is almost certainly going to escalate quickly as I move out and file for divorce. I'm not willing to take the chance that AH will make a profoundly stupid decision with our son...you all are absolutely right.

hopeful4

You are in the home run Wisconsin. Maybe you and your son should just go do your own thing for the 4th, just you two?

Hang in there, and every time you get frustrated, keep your eye on the prize, you are almost out!

XXX

Florence

I used to say to myself, "I can do anything for [1 hour / 1 day / 1 month / whatever. ]" And then when it was over, it was over.

My goal was to figure out how to be okay regardless of what my ex was doing or not doing, so in a situation like his, I would take the holiday into my own hands and find some fun for you and the kiddo. Make a new memory together.

firebolt

Sending you strength and PEACE for this last month!!

I think it is perfectly ok to say "i want to be alone" when the yacking starts. It's perfectly ok to vacate the premises or hide away in a different room. I hope this month flies by for you!

sunny34

SO glad you are in the home stretch. It would be nice if you could find a place to go with your son but I also understand your wanting to be alone. I am struggling with getting out (currently have job applications in) and wanting to spend all my time alone but I am planning to go to my kids for the fourth. I am trying to help myself transition to doing things on my own without the AH. I plan to have a good time even though it will be hard because he will be drinking and probably driving which I hope he is smart enough not to do. I have to start making a life for myself without him. I guess what I am trying to say is maybe it would be a good time to go out with your son kind of working on the transition of not being with the AH if that is possible. Since he knows you are planning to move he might make a major deal about it.