AliWProk

I don't want to hinder his recovery, but I've been no contact for 6 months. He is apparently about to be released from a 2 week intensive program. I have zero faith in his sobriety. I can't and don't trust him. He left a message requesting I come meet with him, and of course said he wants to see our son. So this feels like a manipulation.

My husband has filed to adopt my son. I haven't notified the exah of the move, because frankly I didn't even know where he was, or even if he was alive, until this VM. And I worried a bit how it might affect his drinking. My lawyer says exah has abandoned his son, and is unfit. My husband has been his only father figure and has provided for him for the last 3 years. My son chose to honor his stepfather for father's day this year. Exah didn't even acknowledge his 8th birthday. And if something happens to me, I can't imagine what would happen to my son. He could wind up with exah, who never was a good parent, or foster care. I had to make this move.

So what do you think - do I call back and ask the rehab people if this is really necessary, I mean is this like a family involvement thing? His other family won't participate so why should i? Hell, for all I know, he's already out.

suki44883

I wouldn't respond and wouldn't have anything to do with his recovery. You are remarried now and have moved on for quite some time. His recovery is his own and you don't owe him anything. If he wants to see his son after he gets out, you can cross that bridge if and when it comes. JMHO

LexieCat

He will HAVE to be given notice of the adoption proceedings; if you know where he is and don't give him notice, he can easily undo the adoption. Much better to deal with it up front.

Apart from that, you owe him nothing. If you think it might somehow benefit your son to try to establish a neutral relationship with his father, then you might want to consider it; otherwise, no need to participate in anything concerning him.

NYCDoglvr

You don't trust or respect him? I would leave in a heartbeat.

Refiner

You owe your EX-HUSBAND N O T H I N G. He abandoned his own son and your CURRENT husband has stepped up to be his protector. Why is this even a question????

AliWProk

It's a question because this is exah's first attempt at rehab and I don't know what the protocol is. He is a liar and a manipulator. So I had to ask.

All I have is a cell phone number and his last known address, the home he owns. All correspondence will be sent/served there. I have no obligation to know where he is. He could try to stop the adoption, but his own parents support it, so... this is not being done to punish exah. This is to protect my son. We're not changing his name or anything like that. And when/if the time comes, we'll revisit a relationship between father and son.

happybeingme

One thing alcoholics have to learn is to live with the consequences of our actions. I never accepted the phone calls from my father when he was doing his amends. Too little too late.

My younger son has not forgiven me for my failings throughout his life and during my alcoholism. He may never. That is a burden I must carry. It's my fault, my consequences. He owes me nothing.

Give your ex your attorney's number and inform him all communication must go through him.

Refiner

There is no way I would communicate with him directly. The obvious that his immediate family chooses not to should give you pause to do so. I would communicate through lawyers only. He is very dangerous and not to be trusted.

lillamy

You owe him nothing. His recovery is his responsibility. You say he's a liar and a manipulator. So was my ex. I refused to participate in his rehab treatment. I knew that his reasons for wanting me involved were a) trying to reel me back in and b) to have someone to blame when he failed at recovery and started drinking again.

I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole. Use the contact information you have to inform him about the adoption proceedings. Otherwise, don't engage.

minime13

If you don't want to hinder his recovery, then you should probably not get involved. You don't trust him, and you don't have any faith in his recovery, so your involvement is exactly what he will blame when he fails. You don't need that.

Just have the adoption paperwork filed and him properly notified. His life is in his own hands, not anyone else's.

iGirl66

If he is better or at least on his way, maybe him wanting to see his son is not manipulation. Maybe some light has broken through though is this is early recovery, his head is still wobbly. Does your son understand his dad's condition? Our ex's are our ex's, not our children's. Maybe a consultation or evaluation by the court and supervised visits to start. He's eight, if his dad is sober, there are lots of years to build a relationship. Yours obviously is over, but your son may have a chance at having 2 men to look up to and honor someday.

dandylion

I think that is an excellent thought----that out exs are OUR exs--not our children's. Thank you iGirl66!!!!!!!


dandylion

redatlanta

Since you have filed adoption papers I think I would consult with your attorney about whether or not you should be in contact.

I have zero faith in his sobriety. I can't and don't trust him. With good reason I imagine. Trust is earned. Sounds like you have a plan to revisit a relationship when you feel he has shown you some effort in his sobriety.