Is it so wrong to want to be loved
And then I'm going to quote one of your signature lines right back at you, b/c it includes YOU too, Flutterbye!
We are more than enough just as we are.
I third this there is a lot about you that is wonderful and perfect!!
Once you do really start seeing those things, you'll know you are really healing. We all slip up, we all have setbacks with our obsessive thoughts and controlling ways, but when we truly start to see how deserving and worthy we are, then we can start to give back to others in ways that we never thought possible. Healing will come and so will more enriching relationships. HUGS
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I'm really struggling today with looking at my friends actions and I can't make sense of them. He hasn't made contact with me in a while, really since he said about Becoming friends, it was me making contact with him first but he always replied, just the conversations were short and strained, my perception, maybe not actually but I thought this way probably because we didn't talk the same way or for as long! Anyway. Yes I kept asking him what was wrong why was he being distant and apologising for everything I'd done or not done and for messing things up, he would reply assuring me everything was ok we were still friends and that I hadn't messed anything up yet he doesn't seem to want to meet up, says he will let me know but then doesn't!!
I don't know what his actions are telling me?? Is he just being polite and doesn't want to hurt me by saying he really doesn't want to be friends?? I really want to contact him, I won't but just to see how he is, don't want him to think I don't want to be friends, but I really don't trust myself to just ask how he is and what he's been up to! I really don't know?
I know I know my focus is not on me but I don't trust my own thinking at the minute!!
I would appreciate your perspective folks.
I don't know what his actions are telling me?? Is he just being polite and doesn't want to hurt me by saying he really doesn't want to be friends?? I really want to contact him, I won't but just to see how he is, don't want him to think I don't want to be friends, but I really don't trust myself to just ask how he is and what he's been up to! I really don't know?
I know I know my focus is not on me but I don't trust my own thinking at the minute!!
I would appreciate your perspective folks.
My guess is that he's trying to be polite. Not intending to hurt you, but not wanting a relationship.
Sweetie, it really doesn't MATTER if he thinks you don't want to be friends. Truly, it doesn't. You are in no position to have a friendship with him at this point. You are too wrapped up in this obsessive thinking to be a good friend to him.
You DO have good friends in your life. You don't need this one. It's OK not to be friends with certain people just because there would be an unhealthy dynamic between the two of you.
Let it go. Let HIM go.
Sweetie, it really doesn't MATTER if he thinks you don't want to be friends. Truly, it doesn't. You are in no position to have a friendship with him at this point. You are too wrapped up in this obsessive thinking to be a good friend to him.
You DO have good friends in your life. You don't need this one. It's OK not to be friends with certain people just because there would be an unhealthy dynamic between the two of you.
Let it go. Let HIM go.
No, you didn't "mess up"--you were uncomfortable on your "date" and there is no requirement that you be friends with him. It's OK, you haven't been harmed (apart from what you have been putting yourself through), he hasn't been harmed.
This is a non-event, but for the importance you are giving it.
This is a non-event, but for the importance you are giving it.
butterfly.........STOP IT. honey you have covered this same ground over and over and over and it gets you NOWHERE. you might as well just cut and paste the post from last week or the week before.
LET.IT.GO. you re-engaged with this person for about 4 nanoseconds. you are in NO condition (emotionally, mentally, spiritually) to try to be "friends" with any man. you CRAVE male attention and validation, which is NOT what friendship is about. he will NEVER be able to meet your needs because they are legion right now.
you are still looking outward. it has been advised here multiple times that you must look INWARD. basically in recovery we learn to get OVER ourselves.....we have these huge needy egos that must be brought down to right size. we need to learn GRATITUDE and HUMILITY. (not humiliation).
your circular thinking is exactly the same as it was with your ex. it doesn't matter WHO the other person is, or what THEY do, you will never feel it is enough.....never feel complete. your boat has a hole in the hull and it is up to YOU to fix it. adding another body to the boat just causes it to sink FASTER.
get to shore, get the boat in drydock and start making repairs.
LET.IT.GO. you re-engaged with this person for about 4 nanoseconds. you are in NO condition (emotionally, mentally, spiritually) to try to be "friends" with any man. you CRAVE male attention and validation, which is NOT what friendship is about. he will NEVER be able to meet your needs because they are legion right now.
you are still looking outward. it has been advised here multiple times that you must look INWARD. basically in recovery we learn to get OVER ourselves.....we have these huge needy egos that must be brought down to right size. we need to learn GRATITUDE and HUMILITY. (not humiliation).
your circular thinking is exactly the same as it was with your ex. it doesn't matter WHO the other person is, or what THEY do, you will never feel it is enough.....never feel complete. your boat has a hole in the hull and it is up to YOU to fix it. adding another body to the boat just causes it to sink FASTER.
get to shore, get the boat in drydock and start making repairs.
Butterfly....if you really want my perspective....this is what I would tell my very best firlfriend: "leave the guy alone. At this point, contacting him seems pressuring and controlling, in nature.
Friendships are purely voluntary...and, forcing and coersion(sp?) can stiffle or ruin the relationship. You need to respect his rights...and, he has the right to back off at any time HE wants or needs to---and, he isn't obligated to defend himself to you (though he might choose to).
I suspect that he started on one foot....but, decided that he saw some red flags that you have some issues with relationships and communication of boundaries, etc........and doesn't want to get involved with that! He may feel your obsessiveness and not want that, either. Obsessiveness can be very pressuring to another person if it is directed toward them (as it is in this case)....and it is natural that people will try to move away from it.
He likely does not harbor any i ll will toward you. He probably will not "trust" the situation to make close contact in the future.....but, who knows?
The situation is what it is, right now. Leave it alone. You will only make it worse. This is life and you have to accept the reality of things whether you like it or not.
This is a universal law---and it applies to me and everyone else on the planet----not only you.
You don't get to whine and say "poor me" about this. That puts you into a victim mode...which you are not. You conducted yourself in htis relationship with your free will---and you have to accept the consequences of that.
Sorry to be so blunt--but, as a honest friend, it is an obligation of friendship to be honest with you."
This is exactly what I would say to a friend, Butterffly-----and I have often had to say things like this to good friends.
dandylion
Friendships are purely voluntary...and, forcing and coersion(sp?) can stiffle or ruin the relationship. You need to respect his rights...and, he has the right to back off at any time HE wants or needs to---and, he isn't obligated to defend himself to you (though he might choose to).
I suspect that he started on one foot....but, decided that he saw some red flags that you have some issues with relationships and communication of boundaries, etc........and doesn't want to get involved with that! He may feel your obsessiveness and not want that, either. Obsessiveness can be very pressuring to another person if it is directed toward them (as it is in this case)....and it is natural that people will try to move away from it.
He likely does not harbor any i ll will toward you. He probably will not "trust" the situation to make close contact in the future.....but, who knows?
The situation is what it is, right now. Leave it alone. You will only make it worse. This is life and you have to accept the reality of things whether you like it or not.
This is a universal law---and it applies to me and everyone else on the planet----not only you.
You don't get to whine and say "poor me" about this. That puts you into a victim mode...which you are not. You conducted yourself in htis relationship with your free will---and you have to accept the consequences of that.
Sorry to be so blunt--but, as a honest friend, it is an obligation of friendship to be honest with you."
This is exactly what I would say to a friend, Butterffly-----and I have often had to say things like this to good friends.
dandylion
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you lexiecat, an il and dandylion.
Lexiecat I wasn't uncomfortable when I met him for coffee I really enjoyed getting to know him again. I was uncomfortable with the sexual talk though. I feel that I have messed up Lexie after he to,d me that he thought it was best we stayed friends I didn't give him space, give myself space instead I overthought and obsessed over it all and why he had changed towards me. Suppose I thought we would just continue on as we had before he kissed me!!
Your all right I'm not ready for even new friendships.
Lexiecat I wasn't uncomfortable when I met him for coffee I really enjoyed getting to know him again. I was uncomfortable with the sexual talk though. I feel that I have messed up Lexie after he to,d me that he thought it was best we stayed friends I didn't give him space, give myself space instead I overthought and obsessed over it all and why he had changed towards me. Suppose I thought we would just continue on as we had before he kissed me!!
Your all right I'm not ready for even new friendships.
Butterfly, I'm not sure if this would be helpful but I love this quote, "What other people think of me is none of MY business!" So, what is YOUR business? Whenever I got the obsessive thoughts swirling, my sponsor would tell me, "Just do the next right thing, Liz. If it's doing the dishes, then do that. If it's taking a shower, then do that. Put your focus on the NEXT RIGHT THING. So, I'm asking you, Butterfly, what is your next right thing FOR YOU?
I love what Lexie, Anvil, and Dandelion shared here and I suggest you print them and put them on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator. I know how hard it is to let it go, to stop obsessing, to put the focus on ourselves instead of on them, but you can do it! We all have done it and we all are still working that very process but you have to take the first step. Do the next right thing, sweetie!
I love what Lexie, Anvil, and Dandelion shared here and I suggest you print them and put them on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator. I know how hard it is to let it go, to stop obsessing, to put the focus on ourselves instead of on them, but you can do it! We all have done it and we all are still working that very process but you have to take the first step. Do the next right thing, sweetie!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Butterfly, maybe you did scare this guy off by contacting him repeatedly. I have struggled with an obsessive need for reassurance in relationship. One thing that has helped is trying my best in romantic relationships to let the other person reach out to me at least half the time. I actually learned this from a book called "the rules," which gives advice about how to remain detached in early dating. That book really helped me rethink some of my tendencies to work too hard in relationships, even if it does also IMHO offer some pretty silly advice about how to catch a man (don't ever go out in public without makeup!).
Anyway, maybe you did scare him off? But so what? Is he really such a prize? And are you really ready? The fact that you are in such a spin indicates that you're not. It does seem like you've taken your repeating patterns of thinking about your ex and just kind of transferred them onto this guy. If you really want love, focus on getting healthy enough to attract it. You will start feeling better about yourself when you start ACTIVELY pursuing some self care and non-man-related enjoyment for yourself.
I was seeing a therapist a few years ago who helped me to make a real shift in my obsessive tendencies re: men. I had been dating this guy for a few months. He was a really poor choice. A self-described sex addict whose last marriage had broken up over the issue. And after a few months, he dumped me. Which I know now was a blessing, but my mom had recently died, and my emotional neediness was in full force, and I just could not let it go. I spent session after session going back and forth between blaming myself and ranting about how this guy had done me wrong. His actions didn't make SENSE to me. He had introduced me to his parents, then dumped me! After a few weeks of this, my therapist said to me calmly but emphatically "OK, we're going to let that go now. I think it's time to move on." And it actually was as easy as that. I had to stop feeding the beast by going in these circles and just LET IT GO. The truth was, his actions didn't make sense because people often don't make sense. People are confused. They waver. They're indecisive. They're plagued by addictions. They try to save other people's feelings by being nonchalant about things that do sort of bother them. And WE are imperfect, too. We make mistakes, scare people off by being overeager. And life goes on. Forgive yourself and move on, Butterfly. When we know better, we do better.
Anyway, maybe you did scare him off? But so what? Is he really such a prize? And are you really ready? The fact that you are in such a spin indicates that you're not. It does seem like you've taken your repeating patterns of thinking about your ex and just kind of transferred them onto this guy. If you really want love, focus on getting healthy enough to attract it. You will start feeling better about yourself when you start ACTIVELY pursuing some self care and non-man-related enjoyment for yourself.
I was seeing a therapist a few years ago who helped me to make a real shift in my obsessive tendencies re: men. I had been dating this guy for a few months. He was a really poor choice. A self-described sex addict whose last marriage had broken up over the issue. And after a few months, he dumped me. Which I know now was a blessing, but my mom had recently died, and my emotional neediness was in full force, and I just could not let it go. I spent session after session going back and forth between blaming myself and ranting about how this guy had done me wrong. His actions didn't make SENSE to me. He had introduced me to his parents, then dumped me! After a few weeks of this, my therapist said to me calmly but emphatically "OK, we're going to let that go now. I think it's time to move on." And it actually was as easy as that. I had to stop feeding the beast by going in these circles and just LET IT GO. The truth was, his actions didn't make sense because people often don't make sense. People are confused. They waver. They're indecisive. They're plagued by addictions. They try to save other people's feelings by being nonchalant about things that do sort of bother them. And WE are imperfect, too. We make mistakes, scare people off by being overeager. And life goes on. Forgive yourself and move on, Butterfly. When we know better, we do better.
The truth was, his actions didn't make sense because people often don't make sense. People are confused. They waver. They're indecisive. They're plagued by addictions. They try to save other people's feelings by being nonchalant about things that do sort of bother them. And WE are imperfect, too. We make mistakes, scare people off by being overeager. And life goes on. Forgive yourself and move on, Butterfly. When we know better, we do better.
And this, too:
You will start feeling better about yourself when you start ACTIVELY pursuing some self care and non-man-related enjoyment for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 64
I'm so glad that I read this thread today. My first relationship after my divorce from AXH ended last month. I was with my ex-boyfriend for over a year. I was hesitant at first with my feelings but eventually fell in love with him. When he dumped me, I was heartbroken. I'm 44 and my marriage was for 20 years. I hadn't been dumped since I was a teenager. I was stuck for weeks wondering what I did wrong that messed things up. I kept trying to talk to him about what happened. Much of the advice on this thread about looking inward is exactly what I've finally started to do to help myself. Moving on and loving yourself first is the key to happiness. Nobody is perfect but we are each loveable and deserving of respect.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you everyone. I've thought about everything you've said and I really appreciate your honesty.
I am addicted to wanting to be loved and wanted. Initially with this guy I was honest with my true feelings but once he kissed me I think I thought oh this guy wants me and maybe he could feel for me the way he use to and I'd be ok, I even told him this and that I was ready and wanted to be with him after he told me it was best we stayed friends. I became obsessed with trying to get him to show me the attention he did at the start. He told me that he'd love me to stay overnight so he could show me I could trust him and I'm ashamed to say I didn't go and support my son in one of his sporting events that was over night so I could stay with him even though he was working that night I hoped he would take it off, he didn't!! I am ashamed I did this, I put this guy before my son!!
When he distanced himself I did everything I could to try and get him interested again and show me the attention he did at the start, I began telling him why I was behaving the way I was, then apologising and saying I did t want to mess up what could be a good friendship, my emotions are all over the place, anything I could think of to keep him in my life, for him to want me in his life I even said your right I'm not ready for a relationship thinking this would ease things after telling him I wanted to be with him!! I recognise now that I was trying to manipulate and control him and it came across very clearly that I didn't know what I wanted!!
Looking at my behaviours I realise I came across as needy, desperate and obsessive. I understand why he doesn't want to see me and I am so ashamed and to be honest I don't think I could look this guy in the face again!!!!
Your right I need to focus on me and try to understand why I behaved this way, why I twist myself inside out for this guy, I did it with my ex a and I'm still doing it. Why I'm not happy with myself and what will make me healthy!! I thought I was doing so well!!
I am addicted to wanting to be loved and wanted. Initially with this guy I was honest with my true feelings but once he kissed me I think I thought oh this guy wants me and maybe he could feel for me the way he use to and I'd be ok, I even told him this and that I was ready and wanted to be with him after he told me it was best we stayed friends. I became obsessed with trying to get him to show me the attention he did at the start. He told me that he'd love me to stay overnight so he could show me I could trust him and I'm ashamed to say I didn't go and support my son in one of his sporting events that was over night so I could stay with him even though he was working that night I hoped he would take it off, he didn't!! I am ashamed I did this, I put this guy before my son!!
When he distanced himself I did everything I could to try and get him interested again and show me the attention he did at the start, I began telling him why I was behaving the way I was, then apologising and saying I did t want to mess up what could be a good friendship, my emotions are all over the place, anything I could think of to keep him in my life, for him to want me in his life I even said your right I'm not ready for a relationship thinking this would ease things after telling him I wanted to be with him!! I recognise now that I was trying to manipulate and control him and it came across very clearly that I didn't know what I wanted!!
Looking at my behaviours I realise I came across as needy, desperate and obsessive. I understand why he doesn't want to see me and I am so ashamed and to be honest I don't think I could look this guy in the face again!!!!
Your right I need to focus on me and try to understand why I behaved this way, why I twist myself inside out for this guy, I did it with my ex a and I'm still doing it. Why I'm not happy with myself and what will make me healthy!! I thought I was doing so well!!
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