Have been crying
 

The one constant dream I have (and have had for years) details the events after my father in law died two and a half years ago. My ex (husband at the time) just spiraled into a black hole of alcoholism while I was 7 months pregnant with our second child. Things had been bad with drinking before but this was just disgusting. After a particularly disturbing night with verbal abuse and cussing directed at me in front if our then 3 year old daughter, the next night he asked me to cone outside so he could share sonething with me. He walked to the garage and pulled out flasks of vodka-lots of them. He had been drinking two a day on top of his 10+ beers-and told me he had been coughing up blood. He was 32 at the time. He asked me not to judge him, and I did not. I just broke down crying. Sobbing. Selfishly bc I was about to bring a new life into this world and her dad was struggling and more bc seeing him admit to his weaknesses was too much for me to bear at that tine. Little did he know I knew he was hiding the drinking already-if known it for years-I just didn't want to admit it to myself. We went to bed and the next morning he woke me up early and asked me to cone outsude-he was crying. He was sobbing and shaking. Just hugged me for a long time crying and told me he knew he had a problem and needed help-that he couldn't quit-that he was scared to live life without alcohol bc it was all he knew. I supported him and did not judge-just said we would get him the best help possible. He agreed.
That lasted less than 48 hours and then back on the drinking train-and now I'm here. And still reeling from the last two and a half years of abuse and scary things brought into our home by his choice to continue drinking.
My mind knows what I'm dealing with-trust me, I understand this disease being a former addict myself, marrying an addict and having a father that is an addict and losing a father in law to alcoholism-that's just the tip of the iceberg. BUT even now my heart is still breaking for that man on our back porch. That was not manipulation at all-was pure true him. My heart knows he is still in there somewhere. Just grieving a lot tonight and for sine reason God has placed these events in my dreams a lot lately. Don't know why but I do know that if I knew then what I know now, I would have handled things very differently.

Kind of stealing another's post, just very sad-and angry. My therapist shared last night that anger would be the most appropriate response to all of this (which is why I was so damn angry for years) bc I watched a disease steal my husband and take him away. Just, sad right now.

hi Forourgirls, it sounds like you might be having a delayed reaction to what you've been through in the last few years. I'm not a psychologist, but from my own experience you live on adrenaline while you cope with high stress, then once the day to day dramas are gone you get beyond survival mode and finally have to face the long-term trauma.
I'm sure his tears were sincere, but alcohol was still running his life. As a former A, I know that you don't lose touch with your guilt or worry, but that mightn't be enough to stop drinking. You have to have a strong conviction that you don't want to be an alcoholic any more, don't want to be that person. That you're better than what the drink makes you.
Please try and step back from his life and choices. Your pity doesn't help him one bit, and might even affect post-divorce decisions to your own detriment. Think of it as allowing him the dignity of making his own decisions, good or bad.

Absolutely!!! ^^^^ I do not pity him and will fully allow him the grace of dealing with his own decisions and consequences. My decisions are based on the best interested of our children, not him. Just a weird dream, you know?!

Fourourgirls: wow, I can totally relate...I keep thinking back to last week when my AH called from jail after being arrested for public intoxication and I didn't go get him...I should have gone to get him...I am his wife and should have supported him...but he has not gotten to the point where he has admitted he has a problem and needs help. I understand when you say "I know he is in there somewhere"... and that makes me sad too. My AH once told me that he has a hole in him...that can't be filled...maybe A's have that...using alcohol and whatever else to try to fill that hole...so sorry you had that dream and it brings up sad memories. I hope your day gets better...

Forourgirls - it's SO sad, and ok to be sad for him and what you thought your future would hold with him. Terrible to watch people we care about drown themselves, and knowing there is nothing we can do.

Sad in TX - I believe you DID support him in the best possible way by not going. The arrest was not yours to fix. Support is helping them get better when they want to, it is NOT helping to keep them engulfed in their addiction.

(((HUGS))) all around.

This...100%

Sending lots of love and hugs to you!