I told my son
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You are doing the right thing!
Your son COULD be there. It is only because of his actions that he can't. Maybe next year - you never know what the future holds. Even if he uses this as an excuse to drink, maybe it'll end up being one consequence in a long line of them that LEADS him to sobriety one day.
I hope you wake up on the 4th carefree and confident in your decision. I hope you throw your cares to the wind, and have the most amazing time with your friends and family!
Your son COULD be there. It is only because of his actions that he can't. Maybe next year - you never know what the future holds. Even if he uses this as an excuse to drink, maybe it'll end up being one consequence in a long line of them that LEADS him to sobriety one day.
I hope you wake up on the 4th carefree and confident in your decision. I hope you throw your cares to the wind, and have the most amazing time with your friends and family!
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
It is certainly the hosts prerogative. If I had a family gathering and I knew that my DD her bf and others who may have issues were coming, I'd go no booze. I would rather have them there than a few kegs of beer. The slight of being left out will stay with him well after the other guests have lost their buzz. Normies won't care that there is no booze and alkies will drink somehow anyway.
There would be food, music, dancing, games and good company. Isn't that enough? We have come to accept alcohol ( which is no matter how you slice it , a poison to the human body) as such a part of celebrations that we can't even imagine that responsible drinkers might be able to cope for about five or six hours of not being served adult bevies. I'm afraid we've bought into the lie of the advertisers. Every booze commercial shows young beautiful people having a blast without quite getting blasted. Though we know the truth. Then there are the ominous drunk driving commercials that no real alkie pays any heed.
There is a happy medium. What a teachable moment for the kids who might be there that alcohol does not equal a good time. Nor do good times get better with booze. Who knows what other guests might be secretly relieved because of issues that aren't so known. And what if someone else gets drunk. Will they be banned next year?
I get it, I just think that there may be other solutions. It's not accommodating one alcoholic, it's standing in solidarity with someone struggling.
There would be food, music, dancing, games and good company. Isn't that enough? We have come to accept alcohol ( which is no matter how you slice it , a poison to the human body) as such a part of celebrations that we can't even imagine that responsible drinkers might be able to cope for about five or six hours of not being served adult bevies. I'm afraid we've bought into the lie of the advertisers. Every booze commercial shows young beautiful people having a blast without quite getting blasted. Though we know the truth. Then there are the ominous drunk driving commercials that no real alkie pays any heed.
There is a happy medium. What a teachable moment for the kids who might be there that alcohol does not equal a good time. Nor do good times get better with booze. Who knows what other guests might be secretly relieved because of issues that aren't so known. And what if someone else gets drunk. Will they be banned next year?
I get it, I just think that there may be other solutions. It's not accommodating one alcoholic, it's standing in solidarity with someone struggling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Joppa, Maryland
Posts: 61
I really couldn't care less if there was no alcohol at the party. I rarely drink. But even if I went through with that, my son would still bring alcohol and sneak and drink it. He is not even attempting to be sober. His idea of doing well is not drinking straight vodka, just 16 oz. ice beers. He is an active alcoholic, not a recovering one.
I know that he is hurt. I feel so bad for being the one who hurt him. I have been behind him from day one. I'm not going to go through a list of things he's done, because I'm sure you all can imagine, having A's in your own lives.
My husband's family has been having this party since my husband was 6. He is 54. His parents always had it, and after his parents passed away, his brother bought their house. We still had it there. Then, last year, we bought the house from my BIL and had our first 4th of July party here. Every year, we have 60-70 people, and we have fireworks, food, horseshoes, swimming, etc. Everyone brings their own drinks. I honestly don't feel at liberty to change this party and tell everyone who has been coming here for years, that because my son is an alcoholic, they cannot drink, when they don't have an issue with alcohol.
It came down to one of two choices. Let him come and act like an ass, or ask him not to come. After much discussion with my daughter, my husband, my ex-husband, I felt like even though this was the harder choice, it was the choice I had to make.
I know that he is hurt. I feel so bad for being the one who hurt him. I have been behind him from day one. I'm not going to go through a list of things he's done, because I'm sure you all can imagine, having A's in your own lives.
My husband's family has been having this party since my husband was 6. He is 54. His parents always had it, and after his parents passed away, his brother bought their house. We still had it there. Then, last year, we bought the house from my BIL and had our first 4th of July party here. Every year, we have 60-70 people, and we have fireworks, food, horseshoes, swimming, etc. Everyone brings their own drinks. I honestly don't feel at liberty to change this party and tell everyone who has been coming here for years, that because my son is an alcoholic, they cannot drink, when they don't have an issue with alcohol.
It came down to one of two choices. Let him come and act like an ass, or ask him not to come. After much discussion with my daughter, my husband, my ex-husband, I felt like even though this was the harder choice, it was the choice I had to make.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by ownedbypugs 
I feel so bad for being the one who hurt him. I have been behind him from day one. I'm not going to go through a list of things he's done, because I'm sure you all can imagine, having A's in your own lives.
Your reasons are all excellent. Nobody is "entitled" to be present at an event where they are likely to be disruptive and spoil a good time for others.
Try to stop feeling bad about your actions. Your son is suffering, but not because of you, it's because of his disease. He can seek treatment for it when he's ready to stop suffering.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I honestly don't feel at liberty to change this party and tell everyone who has been coming here for years, that because my son is an alcoholic, they cannot drink, when they don't have an issue with alcohol.
Bravo! As it should be.
Bravo! As it should be.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Pugs, you have made the only rational decision. Changing the event is not an option, nor asking him not to drink.
Although this wasn't your purpose, I hope your action is a wake up call for him. It might take a long time to filter through, but sometimes a few small incidents add up (they did for me).
Although this wasn't your purpose, I hope your action is a wake up call for him. It might take a long time to filter through, but sometimes a few small incidents add up (they did for me).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Joppa, Maryland
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Although this wasn't your purpose, I hope your action is a wake up call for him. It might take a long time to filter through, but sometimes a few small incidents add up (they did for me).
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear ownedbypugs.......Well, the party will be here any minute and will be over soon. I know it is an important family event for you all. Please get as much enjoyment as you can out of it...(even with your worries for y our son). I've been in your shoes...so, I understand.
Now, I want to talk to you further---and, especially since you bring up the worries about the impending birth of the grandchild and all that goes with it---when alcoholism is a part of the picture, also.
Naturally, you are sick with the worry---as I think anyone in your situation would be.
I feel that it is imperative for you (and the rest of the family) to get the kinds of support that you need to face a future that is going to be tough in terms of the kinds of boundaries and communications that you are going to need. (if you think this party issue is "tough"---trust me, MOM, It can get many more times tougher than you have ever seen.......
MOM....I am practically crying as I am telling you this because I hate to have to deliver such unwelcome words to anyone. But, as a mother, I feel that I have a moral obligation, as well as a compassionate imperative to do so.
This is a family disease---because everyone....everyone in the family is affected by it....and the effects will bounce off of every one of you ont each other in some way or another....and it gets progressively worse unless the family pulls together to end the enabling and draws (loving) boundaries. This isn't easy stuff to deal with. God knows that I know that!
There are many ways to begin to do this. Alanon and Celebrate Recovery are the first two most obvious sources of support and learning that come immediately to mind. These are free and available to you and the other key members of the family....your husband, his father, and your daughter-in-law. Fortunately, it seems that you and his father have a civil relationship. That is important.
You could also use the help of a seasoned alcohol counselor for you and your husband.....I think one who is a long recovering alcoholic is a good bet....as they will understand the alcoholism really well.
You will need to learn everything that you possibly can about this disease and how it affects the family.
If you have any interest--I can recommend a couple of books written by the mothers of adult alcoholics which can be very inspirational and validating to you. You can PM me if you want the titles.
I hop that you can maintain a respectful relationship with your daughter-in-law....for the sake of your grandchild. Grandparents are so important to a child. I am sure that she is struggling, right now---and, is probably very ignorant as to how to help the situation. Alanon or celebrate recovery would be very good for her, also. (there are other groups but I am not as personally familiar with them).
I sound very "preachy", I know. And, I may be preaching to the choir....I don't know...lol!
I did feel that it is important for you to hear these words from someone.....
I hope that it can be of some help to you.....
I want you to h ave a good 4th......
dandylion
Now, I want to talk to you further---and, especially since you bring up the worries about the impending birth of the grandchild and all that goes with it---when alcoholism is a part of the picture, also.
Naturally, you are sick with the worry---as I think anyone in your situation would be.
I feel that it is imperative for you (and the rest of the family) to get the kinds of support that you need to face a future that is going to be tough in terms of the kinds of boundaries and communications that you are going to need. (if you think this party issue is "tough"---trust me, MOM, It can get many more times tougher than you have ever seen.......
MOM....I am practically crying as I am telling you this because I hate to have to deliver such unwelcome words to anyone. But, as a mother, I feel that I have a moral obligation, as well as a compassionate imperative to do so.
This is a family disease---because everyone....everyone in the family is affected by it....and the effects will bounce off of every one of you ont each other in some way or another....and it gets progressively worse unless the family pulls together to end the enabling and draws (loving) boundaries. This isn't easy stuff to deal with. God knows that I know that!
There are many ways to begin to do this. Alanon and Celebrate Recovery are the first two most obvious sources of support and learning that come immediately to mind. These are free and available to you and the other key members of the family....your husband, his father, and your daughter-in-law. Fortunately, it seems that you and his father have a civil relationship. That is important.
You could also use the help of a seasoned alcohol counselor for you and your husband.....I think one who is a long recovering alcoholic is a good bet....as they will understand the alcoholism really well.
You will need to learn everything that you possibly can about this disease and how it affects the family.
If you have any interest--I can recommend a couple of books written by the mothers of adult alcoholics which can be very inspirational and validating to you. You can PM me if you want the titles.
I hop that you can maintain a respectful relationship with your daughter-in-law....for the sake of your grandchild. Grandparents are so important to a child. I am sure that she is struggling, right now---and, is probably very ignorant as to how to help the situation. Alanon or celebrate recovery would be very good for her, also. (there are other groups but I am not as personally familiar with them).
I sound very "preachy", I know. And, I may be preaching to the choir....I don't know...lol!
I did feel that it is important for you to hear these words from someone.....
I hope that it can be of some help to you.....
I want you to h ave a good 4th......
dandylion
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
hi ownedbypugs - just wanted to chime in and send good thoughts your way. it sounds like a really lovely party! i will be thinking of you on the 4th and hoping you are able to set all this aside for the day and be present in the moment. easy to say, harder to do i know...
your son will either wake up or continue in his fog, no matter what you do or don't do. taking care of your peace of mind is such a healthy step for your own well being and i applaud you.
now reap the benefits of doing this difficult thing and enjoy yourself! please...
your son will either wake up or continue in his fog, no matter what you do or don't do. taking care of your peace of mind is such a healthy step for your own well being and i applaud you.
now reap the benefits of doing this difficult thing and enjoy yourself! please...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by ownedbypugs
I really couldn't care less if there was no alcohol at the party. I rarely drink. But even if I went through with that, my son would still bring alcohol and sneak and drink it. He is not even attempting to be sober. His idea of doing well is not drinking straight vodka, just 16 oz. ice beers. He is an active alcoholic, not a recovering one.
I know that he is hurt. I feel so bad for being the one who hurt him. I have been behind him from day one. I'm not going to go through a list of things he's done, because I'm sure you all can imagine, having A's in your own lives.
My husband's family has been having this party since my husband was 6. He is 54. His parents always had it, and after his parents passed away, his brother bought their house. We still had it there. Then, last year, we bought the house from my BIL and had our first 4th of July party here. Every year, we have 60-70 people, and we have fireworks, food, horseshoes, swimming, etc. Everyone brings their own drinks. I honestly don't feel at liberty to change this party and tell everyone who has been coming here for years, that because my son is an alcoholic, they cannot drink, when they don't have an issue with alcohol.
It came down to one of two choices. Let him come and act like an ass, or ask him not to come. After much discussion with my daughter, my husband, my ex-husband, I felt like even though this was the harder choice, it was the choice I had to make.
I know that he is hurt. I feel so bad for being the one who hurt him. I have been behind him from day one. I'm not going to go through a list of things he's done, because I'm sure you all can imagine, having A's in your own lives.
My husband's family has been having this party since my husband was 6. He is 54. His parents always had it, and after his parents passed away, his brother bought their house. We still had it there. Then, last year, we bought the house from my BIL and had our first 4th of July party here. Every year, we have 60-70 people, and we have fireworks, food, horseshoes, swimming, etc. Everyone brings their own drinks. I honestly don't feel at liberty to change this party and tell everyone who has been coming here for years, that because my son is an alcoholic, they cannot drink, when they don't have an issue with alcohol.
It came down to one of two choices. Let him come and act like an ass, or ask him not to come. After much discussion with my daughter, my husband, my ex-husband, I felt like even though this was the harder choice, it was the choice I had to make.
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