Conversation with my former BIL
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Conversation with my former BIL
I had an enlightening discussion with my BIL and his wife this weekend, that opened my eyes a bit. If you are not familiar with my history, I have been divorced from my XAH since February, and have shared responsibility for raising our DD18 since I left about a year ago.
She will be attending University in a city about 3 hours from my town, and we had to attend orientation for her freshmen year. I have stayed in contact with my BIL and his wife, and we have had a few discussions regarding XAH. BIL and his wife have repeatedly expressed that they want to continue to have DD and I in their lives, so I asked if we might stay with them since they live near the university. So, we spent two nights with them while DD and I took care of school business.
A couple of items from our talk really stood out. Both BIL and his wife told me that they have been, and continue to be worried for my safety. They say that XAH is very "mean" and that they understood why I left. Evidently, XAH and his brother are still not speaking, which is sad (XAH cut his brother off when BIL told him that he should consider counseling after I left). The other thing that surprised me is that his wife told me that my XAH has been telling other friends and relatives that his plan is for he and I to reconcile and remarry. ACKK!!
I'm not sure where the heck this came from, other than the fact that I try to make sure that our conversations are sane and rational when I need to speak to him. I usually don't "poke the bear" because we have to communicate about our DD's needs.
When I got home, I discovered that XAH had been performing his usual rants (political) on FB and had inadvertently added a response to a photo that I uploaded. I asked that he "Please remove your rant from my post." and he came unglued. I guess he will always be volatile and perhaps the best way to avoid these issues is to move further away. (I only live 8 miles away). I was expecting to to this eventually anyway.
Anyway, I guess what I got from this visit is that even though I am moving on, I will need to continue to be vigilant where XAH is concerned.
She will be attending University in a city about 3 hours from my town, and we had to attend orientation for her freshmen year. I have stayed in contact with my BIL and his wife, and we have had a few discussions regarding XAH. BIL and his wife have repeatedly expressed that they want to continue to have DD and I in their lives, so I asked if we might stay with them since they live near the university. So, we spent two nights with them while DD and I took care of school business.
A couple of items from our talk really stood out. Both BIL and his wife told me that they have been, and continue to be worried for my safety. They say that XAH is very "mean" and that they understood why I left. Evidently, XAH and his brother are still not speaking, which is sad (XAH cut his brother off when BIL told him that he should consider counseling after I left). The other thing that surprised me is that his wife told me that my XAH has been telling other friends and relatives that his plan is for he and I to reconcile and remarry. ACKK!!
I'm not sure where the heck this came from, other than the fact that I try to make sure that our conversations are sane and rational when I need to speak to him. I usually don't "poke the bear" because we have to communicate about our DD's needs.
When I got home, I discovered that XAH had been performing his usual rants (political) on FB and had inadvertently added a response to a photo that I uploaded. I asked that he "Please remove your rant from my post." and he came unglued. I guess he will always be volatile and perhaps the best way to avoid these issues is to move further away. (I only live 8 miles away). I was expecting to to this eventually anyway.
Anyway, I guess what I got from this visit is that even though I am moving on, I will need to continue to be vigilant where XAH is concerned.
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Yurt, Thanks for posting. Maybe you should block your XAH from FB and other social media. This way he won't be able to make upsetting comments. It sounds like he is just trying to stir things up because he is bitter? Was he volatile when you were together?
I can relate to parts of what you are going through. "cutting his brother out of his life...poke the bear..." I would say I didn't want to "poke the bear" regarding my STBXAH...
What other ways are you going to be vigilant?
BTW, congratulations to your DD going to college...that is a big deal!
I can relate to parts of what you are going through. "cutting his brother out of his life...poke the bear..." I would say I didn't want to "poke the bear" regarding my STBXAH...
What other ways are you going to be vigilant?
BTW, congratulations to your DD going to college...that is a big deal!
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Originally Posted by Yurt 
his wife told me that my XAH has been telling other friends and relatives that his plan is for he and I to reconcile and remarry. ACKK!!
I asked that he "Please remove your rant from my post." and he came unglued.
I asked that he "Please remove your rant from my post." and he came unglued.
You can remove his post if it's on your page. Was it on your page or someone elses?
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Yes! He definitely has a history of being volatile. I have "unfollowed" him on FB, and blocked access to the chat as well. He used to see the green light, realize that I must be online and then pick up the phone to chat with me. I have no interest in light conversation, so I ended that. He will take great offense if I unfriend him, so I will wait on that. Most of my posts are already hidden from him as well. I also NEVER initiate a conversation after 6pm. If he calls, I let it go to voice mail. If our DD is staying with him (about 3 nights a week), I text her if I need to discuss something with her, rather than call. From now on, I will probably only visit when she is there, or if I have someone with me.
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He's still delusional.
You can remove his post if it's on your page. Was it on your page or someone elses?
You can remove his post if it's on your page. Was it on your page or someone elses?
The rant was attached to my banner photo, and he has since removed it. Claimed that he didn't do...it was FB's fault. Riiiiight. FB adds random comments at 11:30 pm after drinking a box of wine.
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I probably should have attempted to remove the comments myself, but it was late I didn't know that I was able to do that. Also, I was still pretty irritated that he thought I might ever dream of returning to that brand of H311.
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Originally Posted by Yurt
The rant was attached to my banner photo, and he has since removed it. Claimed that he didn't do...it was FB's fault. Riiiiight. FB adds random comments at 11:30 pm after drinking a box of wine.
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I blocked my husband 2 days ago. He was thumbing up pics from my new place (my flowers and dog on the balcony), which sent me straight through the roof. And what is strikingly similar, both your ex and my current husband are delusional, telling people semi-truths, just "acting," living in their own reality. Oh, and the political rants . . . Another similar thing is that you do not start conversations with him after 6 pm. I refuse contact with mine after 5pm -- complete isolation.
Please do be careful. And now that your daughter is basically grown, you are not quite obliged to deal with him much. If you do not want to block him, I think that there is a Facebook feature where you can control what certain person can see. Maybe you do not want him to know that you blocked him, but the less he knows about you and your whereabouts, the better.
Please do be careful. And now that your daughter is basically grown, you are not quite obliged to deal with him much. If you do not want to block him, I think that there is a Facebook feature where you can control what certain person can see. Maybe you do not want him to know that you blocked him, but the less he knows about you and your whereabouts, the better.
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If you don't want to do a full block, look up how to create a "restricted list" on FB, where you can still technically be friends, but he can't see anything you post. You can also be friends but "unfollow" him so you don't see his updates.
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Originally Posted by Florence
If you don't want to do a full block, look up how to create a "restricted list" on FB, where you can still technically be friends, but he can't see anything you post. You can also be friends but "unfollow" him so you don't see his updates.
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I have had to block or unfollow or restrict some family members because their political and religious beliefs are so odious it really made me dislike them. Sometimes ignorance is better for the sake of getting along. 
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"He will take great offense if I unfriend him, so I will wait on that...."
I had to laugh at this one.
I unfriended him last summer right after we split up because I grew tired of sunset photos and morose posts about the end of life. He refriended me. After I got tired of more of same, changed my profile photo to that of Alan Lerner and posted that I was finally"learning," he unfriended me.
Since then he has unfriended any mutual friends we had.
The funny thing about Facebook, is I can still see when he takes long trips in his RV after quacking to me that he has no money.
Technology can be a wonderful thing!
I had to laugh at this one.
I unfriended him last summer right after we split up because I grew tired of sunset photos and morose posts about the end of life. He refriended me. After I got tired of more of same, changed my profile photo to that of Alan Lerner and posted that I was finally"learning," he unfriended me.
Since then he has unfriended any mutual friends we had.
The funny thing about Facebook, is I can still see when he takes long trips in his RV after quacking to me that he has no money.
Technology can be a wonderful thing!
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