Don't know how to help
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 5
Don't know how to help
Hi everyone. I'm new here. I'm a 34 year old married woman with a baby.
My younger brother (32) has recently moved to my town and has somehow found his way to move into my home. Long story. Our dad was an alcoholic, he passed away 16 years ago due to complications from years of smoking and drinking. His dad (my grandfather) died too young from similar causes. My brother has always gotten into trouble due to his drinking. For the past almost 2 decades. Trouble with the law, injuries, and never being able to stay in one place... Always drifting around from place to place. He has so much anger. He has never lived in the same city as me, until recently he moved here with big dreams. The dreams ended up not working out... And here he is living on my couch. He was recently in a court-ordered rehab... And the only reason he admits going to rehab was so he could get a lesser charge of his recent run in wit the law due to his drinking. Since he has been staying with us, we have found him to come home drunk a couple of times, this is after rehab, and we have also found our personal alcohol depleted. He lies about it. He has a bad attitude and blames everyone and everything else for his problems.. It is typical denial. He is so angry and for the first time, I truly see how he really is. He is a lost angry soul who has no coping skills or logic to get him through life. When he talks about his plans, he doesn't make much sense to me and seems so lost and fueled by anger and frustration. I am trying to be patient with him, but his alcoholism is really the big elephant in the room the we don't talk about. I try so hard to be caring and sensitive and then bring it up (I want to encourage him and support him through AA) but everytime I am close to broaching the subject, he acts like a mean person and says he is so stresssed out and tries to change the subject- it's like he cannot deal with it. I've given him a date (August 1) to find his own place and move out. I've helped him find a job so he has enough money to find his own place. He keeps stalling and coming up with crazy ideas about joining the military or moving somewhere else. Before he moves out, I want to have a "heart -to-heart" with him.. Tell him I think he should go to AA. I will do this. I am just struggling because I feel so sad for him.
I feel like there is nothing I can do to help him. I know he doesn't realize he has a problem. I want to help him get coping skills..
But honestly, I really don't have the energy to fully help him because he doesn't want to help himself... Plus, I have my own family and baby to take care of and he is literally making my life so stressed out and selfishly, I just want him to leave. But I worry about him. I know he has to want to help himself and I know I will not be an enabler, which is why we are giving him one month get out. In the meantime, I am just looking for Any support or words of wisdom. My brother is deeply troubled deep inside. He can appear very sweet and even tempered, but he has a lot of anxiety. I just don't know what to do. I want to somehow have the words to make some sort of positive impact on his life before he leaves. Everything I say in a positive way to him falls on deaf ears. He won't listen to logic. I am exhausted!! Any advice? Thank you in advance if you took the time to read this. Would appreciate any advice or positive vibes
My younger brother (32) has recently moved to my town and has somehow found his way to move into my home. Long story. Our dad was an alcoholic, he passed away 16 years ago due to complications from years of smoking and drinking. His dad (my grandfather) died too young from similar causes. My brother has always gotten into trouble due to his drinking. For the past almost 2 decades. Trouble with the law, injuries, and never being able to stay in one place... Always drifting around from place to place. He has so much anger. He has never lived in the same city as me, until recently he moved here with big dreams. The dreams ended up not working out... And here he is living on my couch. He was recently in a court-ordered rehab... And the only reason he admits going to rehab was so he could get a lesser charge of his recent run in wit the law due to his drinking. Since he has been staying with us, we have found him to come home drunk a couple of times, this is after rehab, and we have also found our personal alcohol depleted. He lies about it. He has a bad attitude and blames everyone and everything else for his problems.. It is typical denial. He is so angry and for the first time, I truly see how he really is. He is a lost angry soul who has no coping skills or logic to get him through life. When he talks about his plans, he doesn't make much sense to me and seems so lost and fueled by anger and frustration. I am trying to be patient with him, but his alcoholism is really the big elephant in the room the we don't talk about. I try so hard to be caring and sensitive and then bring it up (I want to encourage him and support him through AA) but everytime I am close to broaching the subject, he acts like a mean person and says he is so stresssed out and tries to change the subject- it's like he cannot deal with it. I've given him a date (August 1) to find his own place and move out. I've helped him find a job so he has enough money to find his own place. He keeps stalling and coming up with crazy ideas about joining the military or moving somewhere else. Before he moves out, I want to have a "heart -to-heart" with him.. Tell him I think he should go to AA. I will do this. I am just struggling because I feel so sad for him.
I feel like there is nothing I can do to help him. I know he doesn't realize he has a problem. I want to help him get coping skills..
But honestly, I really don't have the energy to fully help him because he doesn't want to help himself... Plus, I have my own family and baby to take care of and he is literally making my life so stressed out and selfishly, I just want him to leave. But I worry about him. I know he has to want to help himself and I know I will not be an enabler, which is why we are giving him one month get out. In the meantime, I am just looking for Any support or words of wisdom. My brother is deeply troubled deep inside. He can appear very sweet and even tempered, but he has a lot of anxiety. I just don't know what to do. I want to somehow have the words to make some sort of positive impact on his life before he leaves. Everything I say in a positive way to him falls on deaf ears. He won't listen to logic. I am exhausted!! Any advice? Thank you in advance if you took the time to read this. Would appreciate any advice or positive vibes
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Is your brother named Jack? lol I have his twin living in my family! My brother doesn't live on my couch he lives at my mom's house and has been mooching for the last 3 decades. Since I support my mother I am also supporting him but not by choice... sigh.
In any event, I have had many heart to heart talks with him through the years and supported him through rehabs and jail stints. I remember one time my mother and I staged an intervention and he looked me dead in the eye and said he was never going to quit drinking. He showed me who I was and I believed him and that was 20 years ago.
I say all of that because deep down you already know that your words will fall on deaf ears... he knows he is an alcoholic and so does the courts and everyone else. The hard part in not getting sober its the desire and want to permanently break up with alcohol forever and the willingness to do whatever it takes...and our brothers have no desire for that at this point in time and history.
All you can do is let him know that you love him and will be there for him if he decides to enter authentic recovery. The only other thing you can do is let him know what your boundaries are for your home as long as he is a guest... lock up your liquor and tell him no active drinking in your home if you like.
That's about all we can do except get into recovery ourselves. Have you ever gone to alanon? My dad was an A too... alcoholism doesn't run in my family it flows through like Niagara Falls! The ones that aren't A's are usually severely codependant are scarred up from years of alcoholic insanity growing up. Alanon and reading books and this website helped me enormously to accept the things I could change and the things I could not.
Take care of you and your family and turn him over to his HP...
In any event, I have had many heart to heart talks with him through the years and supported him through rehabs and jail stints. I remember one time my mother and I staged an intervention and he looked me dead in the eye and said he was never going to quit drinking. He showed me who I was and I believed him and that was 20 years ago.
I say all of that because deep down you already know that your words will fall on deaf ears... he knows he is an alcoholic and so does the courts and everyone else. The hard part in not getting sober its the desire and want to permanently break up with alcohol forever and the willingness to do whatever it takes...and our brothers have no desire for that at this point in time and history.
All you can do is let him know that you love him and will be there for him if he decides to enter authentic recovery. The only other thing you can do is let him know what your boundaries are for your home as long as he is a guest... lock up your liquor and tell him no active drinking in your home if you like.
That's about all we can do except get into recovery ourselves. Have you ever gone to alanon? My dad was an A too... alcoholism doesn't run in my family it flows through like Niagara Falls! The ones that aren't A's are usually severely codependant are scarred up from years of alcoholic insanity growing up. Alanon and reading books and this website helped me enormously to accept the things I could change and the things I could not.
Take care of you and your family and turn him over to his HP...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 5
Hopeworks.... Thank you soooo much for you reply. I laughed out loud when you wrote that it flows through like Niagra Falls.. Same with my family. Funny only because it is heartbreaking to look at it otherwise! :-) So, my mother has suggested al-anon to me for years. I am not an alcoholic, but I've always been in denial that I have my own issues due to being in an alcoholic family. Luckily- I have somehow managed to make a good life for myself and am really happy and healthy and functional. But yes, al-anon is on my radar.
Maybe you are right- maybe he does know he is an alcoholic but he doesn't want to deal with it and accept the hard truths of making the change and getting truly sober. It is so painful to watch and see. My mother will NOT let help him anymore. She has already done it time and again and she says, he will not live with her. my husband is at his wit's end. He is being patient but he wants him to leave, TODAY.
When you have the heart to heart talks with your brother, does he act like he even cares? Do you feel like I should do it with my brother and be bluntly honest? Should I only support him if he chooses to get true authentic help and if not; just kick him to the curb? (I feel like this is how people become homeless and destitute- I know it wouldn't be my fault it would be his fault!)
Thanks again! It feels really great to talk to someone about this.
Maybe you are right- maybe he does know he is an alcoholic but he doesn't want to deal with it and accept the hard truths of making the change and getting truly sober. It is so painful to watch and see. My mother will NOT let help him anymore. She has already done it time and again and she says, he will not live with her. my husband is at his wit's end. He is being patient but he wants him to leave, TODAY.
When you have the heart to heart talks with your brother, does he act like he even cares? Do you feel like I should do it with my brother and be bluntly honest? Should I only support him if he chooses to get true authentic help and if not; just kick him to the curb? (I feel like this is how people become homeless and destitute- I know it wouldn't be my fault it would be his fault!)
Thanks again! It feels really great to talk to someone about this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Homeless and destitute is what gets some people to realize they don't want to spend the rest of their lives this way. Right now, he has it pretty good--comes and goes as he pleases, gets drunk when he wants to.
I'd just tell him that he has until next week to make other arrangements for a place to stay, and that he has to have himself and his stuff out by x date. You don't have to be mean about it, you can just say this isn't working out, that it's too disruptive to your life and not fair to you and your family. You can tell him you love him and that you hope he will do what he needs to do to get sober.
I've seen plenty of people get sober and somehow they find a place to stay until they get back on their feet. There are homeless shelters and the Salvation Army has a very good residential rehab.
Hugs,
I'd just tell him that he has until next week to make other arrangements for a place to stay, and that he has to have himself and his stuff out by x date. You don't have to be mean about it, you can just say this isn't working out, that it's too disruptive to your life and not fair to you and your family. You can tell him you love him and that you hope he will do what he needs to do to get sober.
I've seen plenty of people get sober and somehow they find a place to stay until they get back on their feet. There are homeless shelters and the Salvation Army has a very good residential rehab.
Hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 5
Thank you all again so much. I am starting to agree that aug 1 is too late. Do you think I should ask him if he wants to go to AA meeting with me? I feel like that is the only way I can support him.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Asking him to go to an AA meeting IS one of the few ways you can support him.
One day it may come down to "the only way I can support you is by exiting your life until you are absolutely ready for help."
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine having alcoholism in my blood family. That would be so painful.
One day it may come down to "the only way I can support you is by exiting your life until you are absolutely ready for help."
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine having alcoholism in my blood family. That would be so painful.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Has your brother ever been evaluated by a doctor? I believe this should be the first step, if at all possible. If he has emotional issues, depression, and things like this , it will likely require professional help. You can use the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services treatment finder and also look for doctors who deal with substance abuse but work on a sliding scale if insurance is an issue.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 5
Bluechair- doubtful, he doesn't really take care of himself. I think this is a good suggestion. Not sure if I should suggest this doctor visit AND AA? I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with him and nervous to "lecture" as well. The other day I made a comment about how he ate an entire box of cookies. I was trying to be lighthearted--- and he got so offended and angry. He says he just wants to be happy---- but I truly believe he doesn't know how and what path or steps to take to find it. I tried to tell him it comes from within and you need to work on youself and your choices. But he is so stubborn and just thinks he can move to another city, live on someone else's couch for a bit and everything will just magically be better. It is so painful to see his life and how he has such few options. He can't get an apartment we found out today ... Bad credit and he has no rental references! Tonight I am going to ask him what his back up plan is and tell him JULY 15. I don't think I am going to bring up AA or doctor yet, I don't have the energy for it tonight and the moving out convo is going to be difficult enough. He has sucked the life out of me. Good mood one minute, angry the next. Stressed to the max. He has Pending jail time / felony charges that he isn't sure what will happen yet... Court takes forever. I looked up AA and an al anon meetings in my area. My husband is just living his life ready for him to move out but I am not sure if he realizes how much pain I am in.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 5
Huge news!!!! I just bit the bullet with him and said I'd like you to come with me to an AA meeting on Thursday. He reacted surprisingly well. He said anytime he has drank since January (when he last got arrested) he has felt stupid. I said, let's take some postitive steps, you need support and I will support you. I said you want to be happy- it starts within, it doesn't matter where you live. Please send positive vibes and prayers that he will go with me Thursday. Baby steps!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Great news. It often helps when family can stay engaged with their loved one. Be a source of support and encouragement. I think its great of you to offer to go with him. Also keep in mind, if he doesnt click with AA there are lots of other free groups and resources similiar. As a family member you might also want to check out the CRAFT approach. Community Reinforcent and Family Training. Its something has helped me and there is a lot of focus on how to communicate and maintain the best possible relationship with your loved one. Good luck. hope it goes well.
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 11
Hope for you
[QUOTE=Sisteroflove922;5445354]Hopeworks.... Thank you soooo much for you reply. I laughed out loud when you wrote that it flows through like Niagra Falls.. Same with my family. Funny only because it is heartbreaking to look at it otherwise! :-) So, my mother has suggested al-anon to me for years. I am not an alcoholic, but I've always been in denial that I have my own issues due to being in an alcoholic family. Luckily- I have somehow managed to make a good life for myself and am really happy and healthy and functional. But yes, al-anon is on my radar.
Maybe you are right- maybe he does know he is an alcoholic but he doesn't want to deal with it and accept the hard truths of making the change and getting truly sober. It is so painful to watch and see. My mother will NOT let help him anymore. She has already done it time and again and she says, he will not live with her. my husband is at his wit's end. He is being patient but he wants him to leave, TODAY.
When you have the heart to heart talks with your brother, does he act like he even cares? Do you feel like I should do it with my brother and be bluntly honest? Should I only support him if he chooses to get true authentic help and if not; just kick him to the curb? (I feel like this is how people become homeless and destitute- I know it wouldn't be my fault it would be his fault!)
It truly is hard to allow a loved one to fall and live with his/her own consequences. We don't want the A to suffer and so we feel guilty and attempt to help them, keep.them.from alcohol, make them get a job, monitor them, lock up our valuables, etc. But at what price? We can still love the A yet maintain our sanity and a good life for.ourselves. we have the right to a decent.life free of constant worry and stress from.the actions of a substance abuser or alcoholic. Alanon can support you with learning how.to detach with kindness and set boundaries and begin to break free from.the effects of a loved ones drinking.
Maybe you are right- maybe he does know he is an alcoholic but he doesn't want to deal with it and accept the hard truths of making the change and getting truly sober. It is so painful to watch and see. My mother will NOT let help him anymore. She has already done it time and again and she says, he will not live with her. my husband is at his wit's end. He is being patient but he wants him to leave, TODAY.
When you have the heart to heart talks with your brother, does he act like he even cares? Do you feel like I should do it with my brother and be bluntly honest? Should I only support him if he chooses to get true authentic help and if not; just kick him to the curb? (I feel like this is how people become homeless and destitute- I know it wouldn't be my fault it would be his fault!)
It truly is hard to allow a loved one to fall and live with his/her own consequences. We don't want the A to suffer and so we feel guilty and attempt to help them, keep.them.from alcohol, make them get a job, monitor them, lock up our valuables, etc. But at what price? We can still love the A yet maintain our sanity and a good life for.ourselves. we have the right to a decent.life free of constant worry and stress from.the actions of a substance abuser or alcoholic. Alanon can support you with learning how.to detach with kindness and set boundaries and begin to break free from.the effects of a loved ones drinking.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Sister,
Checking back in and glad you got a chuckle out of my Niagara Falls Family... especially my brother! My A dad died in his alcoholism and I sent my XA fiancé packing 4 years ago and have managed to sort myself out and avoid collecting any new alcoholics since then. I actually moved to a great house in a cute historic town and the only way out from my house I passed a very busy AA meeting hall that had meetings every few hours every day. For the last 3 years I would joke with whoever was in the car that I scoped out the dozens of men always outside chain smoking for my addiction to A's! I can honestly report that I didn't see a single one that made my heart pitter patter so I must be cured!
But my brother...well... he's blood and since he has his hooks deep into my codie mom of 89 years old he's not going anywhere. BUT... he and I have managed to develop a wary truce on what he can get away with and that means no active drinking at moms house. I am sure he cheats but he has to be careful he doesn't get caught because I will curb him in a skinny minute.
In your brothers case you are on a great start on getting him to attend a meeting and knowing that things are tense around the house is probably motivating him to keep you happy. Homelessness is not something the A's really want in their life and if other family members have already washed their hands you might be the last resort.
With his statement that he is not drinking why not try and find a sober living house? They are everywhere and don't do background or credit checks and he would have to remain sober and likely attend a minimum number of AA meeting per week. He would most likely have to pay weekly and there is a certain amount of accountability and could even be a positive for his court case.
Has he ever thought about finding a counselor he could talk to about his struggles? If he could find someone that has a lot of addiction knowledge it would be even more helpful.
Just remember that you shouldn't allow yourself to feel responsible for his choices or that only you can save him. Sooner or later he has to learn how to get along in relationships and take responsibility for his own life no matter how difficult his childhood was... remember that you were in that equation and I can assure you that I was in horribly difficult and abusive childhood...but we have to take responsibility for our own recoveries and you have.
He can do this if he wants...it takes work and commitment but he can change his future whether you help him or not. He is blessed if you are there to support him in his journey but don't let him manipulate you or take advantage of your kindness and generousity.
Hope that helps... prayers your way.
Checking back in and glad you got a chuckle out of my Niagara Falls Family... especially my brother! My A dad died in his alcoholism and I sent my XA fiancé packing 4 years ago and have managed to sort myself out and avoid collecting any new alcoholics since then. I actually moved to a great house in a cute historic town and the only way out from my house I passed a very busy AA meeting hall that had meetings every few hours every day. For the last 3 years I would joke with whoever was in the car that I scoped out the dozens of men always outside chain smoking for my addiction to A's! I can honestly report that I didn't see a single one that made my heart pitter patter so I must be cured!
But my brother...well... he's blood and since he has his hooks deep into my codie mom of 89 years old he's not going anywhere. BUT... he and I have managed to develop a wary truce on what he can get away with and that means no active drinking at moms house. I am sure he cheats but he has to be careful he doesn't get caught because I will curb him in a skinny minute.
In your brothers case you are on a great start on getting him to attend a meeting and knowing that things are tense around the house is probably motivating him to keep you happy. Homelessness is not something the A's really want in their life and if other family members have already washed their hands you might be the last resort.
With his statement that he is not drinking why not try and find a sober living house? They are everywhere and don't do background or credit checks and he would have to remain sober and likely attend a minimum number of AA meeting per week. He would most likely have to pay weekly and there is a certain amount of accountability and could even be a positive for his court case.
Has he ever thought about finding a counselor he could talk to about his struggles? If he could find someone that has a lot of addiction knowledge it would be even more helpful.
Just remember that you shouldn't allow yourself to feel responsible for his choices or that only you can save him. Sooner or later he has to learn how to get along in relationships and take responsibility for his own life no matter how difficult his childhood was... remember that you were in that equation and I can assure you that I was in horribly difficult and abusive childhood...but we have to take responsibility for our own recoveries and you have.
He can do this if he wants...it takes work and commitment but he can change his future whether you help him or not. He is blessed if you are there to support him in his journey but don't let him manipulate you or take advantage of your kindness and generousity.
Hope that helps... prayers your way.
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