Sweetcheeks1

Hi everyone...I'm new to the site and this is my first post (have also posted on another forum as not too sure where to post this!) Have been reading through lots of threads and haven't found one that kinda helps me out/guides me etc! So, sorry if i'm in the wrong forum, say anything wrong or come up with the same old waffle as all other newbies!
Ok...so my bloke of 18 months is a RA and not long had his 6th birthday! He is a lovely bloke, funny and all that, we're good and like all our loved ones, works hard at his recovery!
So, rather than get into 'setting a scene' so to speak, i'll just kinda outline what's been happening and maybe you can give me some advice/ reassurance/ support etc...please?!
I'm struggling with his 'lows' as it were...isolating himself, shutting me out, not wanting to be too happy/high as with that comes a real low, no emotions therefore not getting hurt, more and more selfish (not just in a protect his recovery kinda way!) lack of communication as this could bring confrontation resulting in him sulking etc, etc, etc!!!
don't get me wrong...i'm not nosey or needy, he has a sponsor to talk his 'dark thoughts' over with (never qusetion what he chats about with him) nor am i interfering! Just wondered if this is all 'normal' and familiar to you guys and if perhaps you could share your thoughts/ experiences to help and reassure me! or maybe, he is actually a selfish idiot regardless...!!!!
sorry for the long post...lots of love to you all x!

SparkleKitty

I've often heard it said that alcohol is not the addict's problem, it's the addict's solution.

Six years sober is remarkable, but cutting off the drink does not heal whatever it is or was inside him that led him down that road in the first place. If he hasn't addressed his issues by now I wouldn't think the odds are good that he ever will -- or that he will in a time frame that would be acceptable to you.

Sounds like you'd best try to accept him as-is, and make your decisions accordingly. Hugs.

jezzebelle

He doesn't want to talk about/be emotional? He wants to shut all that down? That's not really the basis for a healthy relationship.

You could work out what you require from him as an absolute minimum and then tell him straight. That's not a basis for an upset, or a threat, or emotional blackmail, it's a fact. You will need courage to tell him but others will support you.

You have the right to have your needs met too!!

CarryThatWeight

This is the absolute truth, as hard as it may be to hear. Some sober alcoholics are not emotionally capable of becoming close to another human being. They are able to stay sober, and may work a program, but they can't seem to "connect." I'm not saying your boyfriend is that way, but he may be. You'll have to do some thinking and decide if you're willing to accept what he is able to give you. A lot of us seek what we need emotionally in people who are unavailable. On the other hand, he may just be going through a difficult time and he may snap out of this. Without knowing him or you, no one can decide that for you. As they say, more will be revealed. Hang in there and I hope you find peace.

LexieCat

Is this a recent development, or has he been this way since you met him? It might, or might not, have to do with his recovery--so if your question is whether he might relapse, it's hard to say. Relapse is always a possibility, even when things SEEM to be going well. If he's working his program with a sponsor, then that's good.

My first husband (we are still good friends) was always sort of a negative person by nature. He's a worrier and tends to look for things to go wrong, I'm a much more positive person and when we were married being around him when he was feeling negative wore me out. Great guy, it's just his personality and outlook. There are reasons for it, it normally isn't extreme, but it did get to me after a while.

He's been sober for 35 years, and is mostly much more even-keeled these days. Still, some bad/sad things have happened to him lately, and he is struggling with his emotions again. I don't think there's any likelihood he will relapse--he works a strong program and sponsors others--but right now I'm glad I don't have to be around him. He isn't being selfish, he's suffering. I'm sorry for that, and I listen and am as supportive as I can be, but ultimately it's something he needs to work through. I think he will.

As for your bloke (love that word), it's really up to you whether the relationship is otherwise good enough to put up with his "lows." Even people with great recovery from alcoholism can suffer from depression or other mental/emotional issues. Has he ever consulted a mental health professional about how he feels?