How Do I Help the Children with This? He's Selling the House
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How Do I Help the Children with This? He's Selling the House
It's always something.
After a couple of weeks of silence, Xah finally responded to my letter. I told him rather specifically what I think the children each need from him.
I get back a thanks. Then he moans about his 'dire' financial situation. I know he's been travelling all over, rock climbing around half of the Western US. He's got significant stocks and probably a hidden bank account, and a hefty income from which the children and I receive half or less than what we used to live on during the marriage. Others should be in such dire straits, sheesh.
So things are so hard for him that he is fixing up in order to sell our family 6 br house asap. This after moaning during the divorce that he needed to retain the property for the children. And saying that he had no resources with which to fix the house he had destroyed since taking over its occupancy.
Plus, he whines to me that now he'll have to sell/give away/store our family belongings. The ones he refused me access to, including my childhood things, the children's requested toys/decorations/furniture, etc.
Oh, poor him.
The children will be staying with him for 4 weeks this summer. Probably, he'll tell them. They are going to likely be extremely upset. Two were born in that house.
Do I tell them or let him upset them horribly all by himself. This is often a challenge I face. What role to play while he destroys everything he can of our family life. Such pain he creates. He must be a miserable being.
After a couple of weeks of silence, Xah finally responded to my letter. I told him rather specifically what I think the children each need from him.
I get back a thanks. Then he moans about his 'dire' financial situation. I know he's been travelling all over, rock climbing around half of the Western US. He's got significant stocks and probably a hidden bank account, and a hefty income from which the children and I receive half or less than what we used to live on during the marriage. Others should be in such dire straits, sheesh.
So things are so hard for him that he is fixing up in order to sell our family 6 br house asap. This after moaning during the divorce that he needed to retain the property for the children. And saying that he had no resources with which to fix the house he had destroyed since taking over its occupancy.
Plus, he whines to me that now he'll have to sell/give away/store our family belongings. The ones he refused me access to, including my childhood things, the children's requested toys/decorations/furniture, etc.
Oh, poor him.
The children will be staying with him for 4 weeks this summer. Probably, he'll tell them. They are going to likely be extremely upset. Two were born in that house.
Do I tell them or let him upset them horribly all by himself. This is often a challenge I face. What role to play while he destroys everything he can of our family life. Such pain he creates. He must be a miserable being.
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Pippi, I would tell them. When he tells them, it's likely he is going to be manipulative in what he says. If you explain it all out to them in advance, they won't be taken off guard, and can talk to you about their feelings.
I would tell them that people make memories, not things. And while they can hold on to all the good that happened during their times there, nothing will take those away from them.
Karma for him I would say.
I would tell them that people make memories, not things. And while they can hold on to all the good that happened during their times there, nothing will take those away from them.
Karma for him I would say.
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Pippi, you've confused a house with things that really count before. I've seen children leave houses they grew up in, mine did for instance, as well as a farm, and what counts with them is not the house but their family situation. That sort of got blown to pieces in the last few years, and I'd be amazed if the house comes close.
By all means be concerned about how the children are doing, but the house won't feature greatly in that. A reasonably courteous relationship between their parents in much more important.
By all means be concerned about how the children are doing, but the house won't feature greatly in that. A reasonably courteous relationship between their parents in much more important.
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A house is a house. Tell them, minimize the issue. They don't even live in the same country as him or the house.
You're teaching your kids how to respond to life changes. You can't control him and his choices, only you and yours, and your reactions to others' choices you disagree with. If you're freaking out every time Dad pops his head up, your kids will associate him AND YOU with anxiety and fear and they will learn to be afraid of changes, including ones that largely don't affect them.
It's actually not a big deal. People move houses all the time and it's totally fine.
You're teaching your kids how to respond to life changes. You can't control him and his choices, only you and yours, and your reactions to others' choices you disagree with. If you're freaking out every time Dad pops his head up, your kids will associate him AND YOU with anxiety and fear and they will learn to be afraid of changes, including ones that largely don't affect them.
It's actually not a big deal. People move houses all the time and it's totally fine.
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Pippi, I would tell them too. I smell manipulation in his actions--trying to get a rise out of you or something. He'll likely follow through (maybe not), so I'd mention to the kids that he said he's thinking of selling it. So your messaging gets through and they can process it freely without his veil of reality. He is traveling a lot, 6 bedrooms is big...makes sense if you remove emotions and ulterior motives. I agree to remind the kids that memories are what's important, not things. And that everything has a time and place in our lives. That home may have served its purpose for you.
The house I bought post divorce (a split level and I hate those!--or DID...) quickly felt more like a home than any other place I lived. I think it's because it was calm, welcoming, full of friends and family at any hour. I've since moved again, and it was a bittersweet goodbye, but it sure served a wonderful purpose for me and my boys.
It's possible it bothers you because of some of the unresolved things--your stuff you can't have, the manipulation and controlling involved, the "woe is me you make me poor" attitude-- I get it! But in some ways, you will be more free if the house and its contents are gone. No longer hanging there out of reach.
I hope he sells it! I really think it's good in the long run. The house represents a dream lost. The dream is lost regardless of who owns the house.
I do know how this feels, and I'm sorry. Allow yourself to feel it, then do your thing!
Hugs.
The house I bought post divorce (a split level and I hate those!--or DID...) quickly felt more like a home than any other place I lived. I think it's because it was calm, welcoming, full of friends and family at any hour. I've since moved again, and it was a bittersweet goodbye, but it sure served a wonderful purpose for me and my boys.
It's possible it bothers you because of some of the unresolved things--your stuff you can't have, the manipulation and controlling involved, the "woe is me you make me poor" attitude-- I get it! But in some ways, you will be more free if the house and its contents are gone. No longer hanging there out of reach.
I hope he sells it! I really think it's good in the long run. The house represents a dream lost. The dream is lost regardless of who owns the house.
I do know how this feels, and I'm sorry. Allow yourself to feel it, then do your thing!
Hugs.
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One more thing- at times I've thought things would be major issues for my kids and they weren't at all. If you're careful with your emotions when presenting it, they might not care as much as you worry they will. But it's good to be ready in case they do. 
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Originally Posted by Praying 
One more thing- at times I've thought things would be major issues for my kids and they weren't at all. If you're careful with your emotions when presenting it, they might not care as much as you worry they will. But it's good to be ready in case they do.
I told my oldest and he is almost glad, or so he says. He found the house creepy after we moved and dislikes excess stuff. He's 18 and happy to be male head of the household here.
DD15 is upset but wants to process it on her own. She wants to remove herself from my feelings and any conversation for now. Plus, summer's just begun and she has friends to see.
I feel almost sick about it today. Xah told DS18 that he gave away my rabbit hutch to a friend. It was a gorgeous, hand crafted Victorianesque hutch that was made for me by a friend about 6 months before I met xah. It holds lots of memories of my early days with xah. My sister just got 2 new rabbits and went on fb asking around for one. I would have loved for she and her children to have it.
I am in bed and I dont want to get out. I just feel the blade of his cruelty digging into me and the children and I know I will get back up again but I wonder about the long term damage.
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Pippi, a house is a house, it is not a home, unless there is love there. It's a material thing. Of course he wants to sell it. Would it be better to have your kids there again, while he is renting out rooms again to strangers?
I left my house. Left everything there. Took my clothes, and some of the things my kids really loved. I took that because he was throwing everything out. Was afraid that he would throw out my kids stuff also. First thing he was throwing out, which he also broke, was everything, and anything that I had hanging on the walls. The garage was filled with all of my memories broken and thrown into thrash bags. (Know what, I do garage sales and flea markets. I wasn't really allowed to put things on the walls, so now almost every wall has something on it.)
Even in the divorce papers, I was supposed to get half of the furniture. I never got that, and now, I wouldn't even want it.
I couldn't go back to get any more of my stuff. He started to turn my older children against me. He played the victim where he wanted the best for me, and he paid a truck to take all of the furniture to my oldest daughters garage. She wasn't speaking to me. It still sits there.
I had asked him 4 months after the divorce what he did with the furniture, he told me he threw it away, and none of it was mine.
I am very happy now not having any of it. I have my life, I have my freedom from him, I have my children back (ages 28-40), and that is all I need.
I don't need those dreadful memories of the past. I have my own house now, a raised ranch log cabin that I absolutely adore. I didn't adore it in the beginning. It needed a lot of work. I put that work into it. I decorated it the way I wanted to, I made it a home, before it was only a house.
Guess I am just saying "Home is where the heart is", without that, you only have a house that needs constant repairs.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
I left my house. Left everything there. Took my clothes, and some of the things my kids really loved. I took that because he was throwing everything out. Was afraid that he would throw out my kids stuff also. First thing he was throwing out, which he also broke, was everything, and anything that I had hanging on the walls. The garage was filled with all of my memories broken and thrown into thrash bags. (Know what, I do garage sales and flea markets. I wasn't really allowed to put things on the walls, so now almost every wall has something on it.)
Even in the divorce papers, I was supposed to get half of the furniture. I never got that, and now, I wouldn't even want it.
I couldn't go back to get any more of my stuff. He started to turn my older children against me. He played the victim where he wanted the best for me, and he paid a truck to take all of the furniture to my oldest daughters garage. She wasn't speaking to me. It still sits there.
I had asked him 4 months after the divorce what he did with the furniture, he told me he threw it away, and none of it was mine.
I am very happy now not having any of it. I have my life, I have my freedom from him, I have my children back (ages 28-40), and that is all I need.
I don't need those dreadful memories of the past. I have my own house now, a raised ranch log cabin that I absolutely adore. I didn't adore it in the beginning. It needed a lot of work. I put that work into it. I decorated it the way I wanted to, I made it a home, before it was only a house.
Guess I am just saying "Home is where the heart is", without that, you only have a house that needs constant repairs.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
Thank you everyone for some lovely thoughts and excellent advice.
I told my oldest and he is almost glad, or so he says. He found the house creepy after we moved and dislikes excess stuff. He's 18 and happy to be male head of the household here.
DD15 is upset but wants to process it on her own. She wants to remove herself from my feelings and any conversation for now. Plus, summer's just begun and she has friends to see.
I feel almost sick about it today. Xah told DS18 that he gave away my rabbit hutch to a friend. It was a gorgeous, hand crafted Victorianesque hutch that was made for me by a friend about 6 months before I met xah. It holds lots of memories of my early days with xah. My sister just got 2 new rabbits and went on fb asking around for one. I would have loved for she and her children to have it.
I am in bed and I dont want to get out. I just feel the blade of his cruelty digging into me and the children and I know I will get back up again but I wonder about the long term damage.
I told my oldest and he is almost glad, or so he says. He found the house creepy after we moved and dislikes excess stuff. He's 18 and happy to be male head of the household here.
DD15 is upset but wants to process it on her own. She wants to remove herself from my feelings and any conversation for now. Plus, summer's just begun and she has friends to see.
I feel almost sick about it today. Xah told DS18 that he gave away my rabbit hutch to a friend. It was a gorgeous, hand crafted Victorianesque hutch that was made for me by a friend about 6 months before I met xah. It holds lots of memories of my early days with xah. My sister just got 2 new rabbits and went on fb asking around for one. I would have loved for she and her children to have it.
I am in bed and I dont want to get out. I just feel the blade of his cruelty digging into me and the children and I know I will get back up again but I wonder about the long term damage.
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I have to work hard at letting go of "stuff" but sometimes the universe helps me along by taking it FOR me. When the sewer backed up into my basement on my fourth day sober, it completely soaked a box with treasured possessions--my late mom's wedding gown, my favorite stuffed animal from childhood, my girl scout sash with all my badges. I took photos of them and threw them away--they could not be salvaged and there was nothing to be done about it.
Here's a famous story about a Buddhist meditation master:
Here's a famous story about a Buddhist meditation master:
One day some people came to the master and asked, "How can you be happy in a world of such impermanence?" The master held up a glass and said, "Someone gave me this glass, and I really like this glass. It holds my water admirably and it glistens in the sunlight. I touch it and it rings! One day the wind may blow it off the shelf, or my elbow may knock it from the table. And I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious."
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I'm sorry that he gave away your hutch. He is missing a sensitivity chip. I think in the end for your kids it will be glad he sold it. Most of their life they knew at that house included you in it. I think it would make me sad to be there after divorce.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Here's a famous story about a Buddhist meditation master:
One day some people came to the master and asked, "How can you be happy in a world of such impermanence?" The master held up a glass and said, "Someone gave me this glass, and I really like this glass. It holds my water admirably and it glistens in the sunlight. I touch it and it rings! One day the wind may blow it off the shelf, or my elbow may knock it from the table. And I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious."
How wonderful to have had a home that suited your large family and that you birthed two of your children in. It's time to say goodbye. Hugs to you!
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Originally Posted by Stung
I was going to offer up something along these lines. But since you have kids I was going to suggest Pete the Cat and His Four Groovy Buttons. One by one Pete the Cat's four buttons pop off of his favorite shirt. Does Pete the Cat cry each time he looses a button? Goodness no! Because buttons come and buttons go. The lesson is that things come and go in life and that doesn't mean that we can't continue to enjoy the other gifts that we have in life or appreciate the joy that those items gave us while we had them. This is a great opportunity to teach your kids that it was great to have that home while you were there to enjoy it. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to learn that lesson too. How wonderful to have had a home that suited your large family and that you birthed two of your children in. It's time to say goodbye.
Hugs to you!
How wonderful to have had a home that suited your large family and that you birthed two of your children in. It's time to say goodbye. Hugs to you!
I don't know about you all, but what disturbs me the most is the intention to hurt me and insensitivity towards the children.
I told DS12 and he did cry.
And then 5 minutes later some old dear friends just walked in here and now I've got six children staying up late, laughing and chatting and being glad.
All of the people in my life are saving me. I can't stay miserable for long because there's too much joy around me.
Grateful.
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
You all are great. Thank you, thank you. I guess quite a few around here have lost their stuff thanks to an A.
I don't know about you all, but what disturbs me the most is the intention to hurt me and insensitivity towards the children.
I told DS12 and he did cry.
And then 5 minutes later some old dear friends just walked in here and now I've got six children staying up late, laughing and chatting and being glad.
All of the people in my life are saving me. I can't stay miserable for long because there's too much joy around me.
Grateful.
I don't know about you all, but what disturbs me the most is the intention to hurt me and insensitivity towards the children.
I told DS12 and he did cry.
And then 5 minutes later some old dear friends just walked in here and now I've got six children staying up late, laughing and chatting and being glad.
All of the people in my life are saving me. I can't stay miserable for long because there's too much joy around me.
Grateful.
I gave in about the house during the final end of the divorce mediation. Why? Because he said he wanted to keep it for the children. He told everyone that he had no money to repair the damage to the house (that he had caused) and just wanted to hold onto it so that the children could come and stay there with him.
But as soon as the divorce came through, voilà! He's got money to fix the place up and he went to a realtor. He's preparing to put it on the market.
I gave in because I told myself to let go and let him keep it if he wanted to retain it for the children. The children ( except DS18) told me that they wanted him to keep it. I received next to nothing for it. Now that he is fixing it up, he could make some real profit.
It isn't so much about the house. It's about the promises to the children ( he told us he would keep it at least until they were grown) and promises to me as their mother. It is about him telling us now, 11 days before we are supposed to fly to the US so the children can stay there.
I havent done a thing to get us ready for leaving here for five weeks. Now I want to go even less. The children are going to feel very emotional, staying there knowing it may be for the last time. He could have waited until the summer was over.
I am worried about their stay with xah. I think I will call the court-ordered psychiatrist this morning and share this information with him.
I feel like I'm falling this morning. I didn't anticipate this. I'm always so naïve. How could I believe anything ever that he says? When will I learn?
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Well my house burned to the ground and I lost all of my precious photographs and cherished items about 6 years ago... life is uncertain Pippi and no one is promised tomorrow.
I rarely give that stuff a thought now...my family had a lot of the photos of my children and stuff can be replaced. In fact, I have way too much stuff...really.
A house is just a house. Its the relationships that make it a home. Home is where you make it (Watch Joe Dirt get told this in the movie by that name)... it will make you laugh out loud.
You are way more upset than kids are and if you keep magnifying it they will naturally follow suit because kids look to their parent to lead the way on how they should react to life and life's difficulties. I wouldn't take them to psychiatrists unless they are exhibiting that they are distressed over the house.
Let it go. Just breath in your freedom, your health, your children's health and that you no longer have to deal with the daily craziness of the past with your XA.
Close the door on the past...just let it go...its just stuff. We Americans have too much stuff anyway. We should sell most of it and send it to charities to feed the millions of starving kids around the world. There are so many children praying for clean water or a scrap of food and that is what I always tried to teach my children...to be grateful for the blessings they had as children of prosperity, to not be materialistic and selfish and to be generous and forgiving. They had an addict for a father who was a real jerk and never paid child support their entire lives but I never talked him down... I always made sure they got to see him even if it had to be supervised when he was in addiction.
They are adults now and they have little respect for their father but they have great respect for me and that I did the best I could to make sure they knew that they were loved by their dad.
You are in a tough situation with a difficult situation but your kids will look back on these years through adult eyes and you want them to know that your actions were always in their best interests.
The house thing is out of your control...minimize it for their sake so they don't worry over something they can't control either.
And have a great summer girl! What have you been doing for fun?? You were doing all sorts of cool stuff but I haven't heard anything lately...
I rarely give that stuff a thought now...my family had a lot of the photos of my children and stuff can be replaced. In fact, I have way too much stuff...really.
A house is just a house. Its the relationships that make it a home. Home is where you make it (Watch Joe Dirt get told this in the movie by that name)... it will make you laugh out loud.
You are way more upset than kids are and if you keep magnifying it they will naturally follow suit because kids look to their parent to lead the way on how they should react to life and life's difficulties. I wouldn't take them to psychiatrists unless they are exhibiting that they are distressed over the house.
Let it go. Just breath in your freedom, your health, your children's health and that you no longer have to deal with the daily craziness of the past with your XA.
Close the door on the past...just let it go...its just stuff. We Americans have too much stuff anyway. We should sell most of it and send it to charities to feed the millions of starving kids around the world. There are so many children praying for clean water or a scrap of food and that is what I always tried to teach my children...to be grateful for the blessings they had as children of prosperity, to not be materialistic and selfish and to be generous and forgiving. They had an addict for a father who was a real jerk and never paid child support their entire lives but I never talked him down... I always made sure they got to see him even if it had to be supervised when he was in addiction.
They are adults now and they have little respect for their father but they have great respect for me and that I did the best I could to make sure they knew that they were loved by their dad.
You are in a tough situation with a difficult situation but your kids will look back on these years through adult eyes and you want them to know that your actions were always in their best interests.
The house thing is out of your control...minimize it for their sake so they don't worry over something they can't control either.
And have a great summer girl! What have you been doing for fun?? You were doing all sorts of cool stuff but I haven't heard anything lately...
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Originally Posted by Hopeworks
Well my house burned to the ground and I lost all of my precious photographs and cherished items about 6 years ago... life is uncertain Pippi and no one is promised tomorrow.
I rarely give that stuff a thought now...my family had a lot of the photos of my children and stuff can be replaced. In fact, I have way too much stuff...really.
A house is just a house. Its the relationships that make it a home. Home is where you make it (Watch Joe Dirt get told this in the movie by that name)... it will make you laugh out loud.
You are way more upset than kids are and if you keep magnifying it they will naturally follow suit because kids look to their parent to lead the way on how they should react to life and life's difficulties. I wouldn't take them to psychiatrists unless they are exhibiting that they are distressed over the house.
Let it go. Just breath in your freedom, your health, your children's health and that you no longer have to deal with the daily craziness of the past with your XA.
Close the door on the past...just let it go...its just stuff. We Americans have too much stuff anyway. We should sell most of it and send it to charities to feed the millions of starving kids around the world. There are so many children praying for clean water or a scrap of food and that is what I always tried to teach my children...to be grateful for the blessings they had as children of prosperity, to not be materialistic and selfish and to be generous and forgiving. They had an addict for a father who was a real jerk and never paid child support their entire lives but I never talked him down... I always made sure they got to see him even if it had to be supervised when he was in addiction.
They are adults now and they have little respect for their father but they have great respect for me and that I did the best I could to make sure they knew that they were loved by their dad.
You are in a tough situation with a difficult situation but your kids will look back on these years through adult eyes and you want them to know that your actions were always in their best interests.
The house thing is out of your control...minimize it for their sake so they don't worry over something they can't control either.
And have a great summer girl! What have you been doing for fun?? You were doing all sorts of cool stuff but I haven't heard anything lately...
I rarely give that stuff a thought now...my family had a lot of the photos of my children and stuff can be replaced. In fact, I have way too much stuff...really.
A house is just a house. Its the relationships that make it a home. Home is where you make it (Watch Joe Dirt get told this in the movie by that name)... it will make you laugh out loud.
You are way more upset than kids are and if you keep magnifying it they will naturally follow suit because kids look to their parent to lead the way on how they should react to life and life's difficulties. I wouldn't take them to psychiatrists unless they are exhibiting that they are distressed over the house.
Let it go. Just breath in your freedom, your health, your children's health and that you no longer have to deal with the daily craziness of the past with your XA.
Close the door on the past...just let it go...its just stuff. We Americans have too much stuff anyway. We should sell most of it and send it to charities to feed the millions of starving kids around the world. There are so many children praying for clean water or a scrap of food and that is what I always tried to teach my children...to be grateful for the blessings they had as children of prosperity, to not be materialistic and selfish and to be generous and forgiving. They had an addict for a father who was a real jerk and never paid child support their entire lives but I never talked him down... I always made sure they got to see him even if it had to be supervised when he was in addiction.
They are adults now and they have little respect for their father but they have great respect for me and that I did the best I could to make sure they knew that they were loved by their dad.
You are in a tough situation with a difficult situation but your kids will look back on these years through adult eyes and you want them to know that your actions were always in their best interests.
The house thing is out of your control...minimize it for their sake so they don't worry over something they can't control either.
And have a great summer girl! What have you been doing for fun?? You were doing all sorts of cool stuff but I haven't heard anything lately...
For fun? I should be focusing more on my responsibilities lately, but it is gorgeous out here and the village and beach are buzzing with activity and I can't walk out the door without running into friends, nor can the children. We aresurrounded by loveliness!
It is race season and I'm stronger and faster than ever. I have zero money for clothes but I have to admit I look pretty good in my old stuff.
I just went on a date with a cute guy I met biking six months ago that I kept in touch with. He took the train 2 hours from where he lives to see me, but...He says he is attracted to me and we talked for hours. We have loads in common, it's crazy. But he told me yesterday that he doesn't feel 'that extra something' for me, so I have been dealing with that on top of the house thing. But then he wants to keep being friends and writing back and forth all the time. I guess it was time to deal with some rejection. I've had my pick up until now, more or less. Getting too confident. The woman he was dating before me is 15 years younger than me. Maybe it's my age. Maybe I am not quite myself because of all the constant trouble dealing with xah and the aftermath. Who knows. Too bad, because I rather like him. I can look in his eyes and he shows me who he is.
This summer I have more races planned, travel, and family and old friends to see. I would much prefer staying in Europe where I could get my career and household in better order with the children away with their father. But I am taking them to the US so I will be there if they need me. I am not ready to let them go across the ocean alone.
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It sucks that you have to continue to disappoint your kids and I think that might be where your emotion is coming from. Hope that at least after the divorce and you two weren't battling, that he would no longer mess with their heads in an attempt to hurt you. At least that's how I see it. Clearly he always intended to sell. That's par for the course in the person he has become to manipulate to get his way. I think the best decision was to end all of that and in doing so you were going to have to give up something - but you gained your freedom and sanity which is priceless!!
We just had to sell my parents house last February and move them to a wellness community. It was not the house I grew up in, but they lived there for 20 years. Their "last move". I loved that house. Now they are living in a one bedroom garden apartment, not a luxurious home with beautiful gardens. They are so happy in their new community I wish they had moved before they got sick. The apartment is home now - feels like home to me.
Sounds like your summer is lovely. A remarkable difference from last summer when you were still in divorce. How wonderful that your children and you all are doing so well and recovered from AH madness. This house sell is just a blip and nothing more!
We just had to sell my parents house last February and move them to a wellness community. It was not the house I grew up in, but they lived there for 20 years. Their "last move". I loved that house. Now they are living in a one bedroom garden apartment, not a luxurious home with beautiful gardens. They are so happy in their new community I wish they had moved before they got sick. The apartment is home now - feels like home to me.
Sounds like your summer is lovely. A remarkable difference from last summer when you were still in divorce. How wonderful that your children and you all are doing so well and recovered from AH madness. This house sell is just a blip and nothing more!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Pippi, I had a similar experience and realized that what I was really stuck on--what I was really mourning--was that I still naively thought that post-divorce XAH would be a good father. It was like another HUGE blow to me to realize those were casual lies as well.
I can tell you that for my kids, the hits keep on coming. Some big, some little. I can't protect them from that, nor can you. But I CAN tell you that once I accepted his limitations in all things, mourned the loss of the father I wish my boys had, and moved forward with grace in my heart, things got better for my boys. They needed me to be free from it all.
It still hurts when he does things that hurt them. As their mom, it always will. But a happy healthy mother and steady daily life is all you can provide. This is their journey, and they have to take it...
Doesn't mean it doesn't stink. I still have moments where I get frustrated with him. But I don't cover up, don't rage, don't get depressed. I just shake my head in sadness and keep going. Because he is meeting my expectations (of nothing, which took a while to sink in).
You already gave up the house. Your emotions may be coming from feeling duped, feeling like the kids are cheated, feeling all sorts of things. But YOU lose nothing if he sells, because you already lost it. And you already didn't trust him. So nothing new has happened to YOU...
He can't touch your serenity. Your friendships. Your beautiful peaceful daily life. Unless you allow him to.
Hugs!!!
I can tell you that for my kids, the hits keep on coming. Some big, some little. I can't protect them from that, nor can you. But I CAN tell you that once I accepted his limitations in all things, mourned the loss of the father I wish my boys had, and moved forward with grace in my heart, things got better for my boys. They needed me to be free from it all.
It still hurts when he does things that hurt them. As their mom, it always will. But a happy healthy mother and steady daily life is all you can provide. This is their journey, and they have to take it...
Doesn't mean it doesn't stink. I still have moments where I get frustrated with him. But I don't cover up, don't rage, don't get depressed. I just shake my head in sadness and keep going. Because he is meeting my expectations (of nothing, which took a while to sink in).
You already gave up the house. Your emotions may be coming from feeling duped, feeling like the kids are cheated, feeling all sorts of things. But YOU lose nothing if he sells, because you already lost it. And you already didn't trust him. So nothing new has happened to YOU...
He can't touch your serenity. Your friendships. Your beautiful peaceful daily life. Unless you allow him to.
Hugs!!!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Pippi, let every material thing you had with him leave your mind. He is very manipulative, that's no secret.
Just focus on the great relationship you have with your kids, and let them know you are there for them no matter what, always.
Many hugs. XXX
Just focus on the great relationship you have with your kids, and let them know you are there for them no matter what, always.
Many hugs. XXX
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Pippi, let every material thing you had with him leave your mind. He is very manipulative, that's no secret.
Just focus on the great relationship you have with your kids, and let them know you are there for them no matter what, always.
Many hugs. XXX
Just focus on the great relationship you have with your kids, and let them know you are there for them no matter what, always.
Many hugs. XXX
I told DS12 last night, and oh, he cried. And 5 minutes later his best friend who has been away all year just burst in the door with his family, and my boy went from tears to smiles. And such a joy to fill our little home with friends.
Then today I told DD8. She cried even more. She talked too, we talked, we hugged.
The thing is. When xah wouldnt let me have my stuff back, I went through this outrage and disbelief and grief. But the children still had access to the house and their things. It was my grief, not theirs.
When I essentially gave xah the house during the mediation, it was because I decided to give up trying to control this thing and I believed at least the children could have their wish - to keep the house.
Now that he says he'll sell, the children and I are all losing the house, together. We are all seeing and living the disappointment, the lies, the lack of consideration.
I absolutely do not want them to experience more loss and pain. But time has told. Things are clearer now. There's nothing for us to do but move on. And as long as we're together, it's really not so bad.
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