gleefan

I'm a recovering alcoholic with 16 months of sobriety.

My husband and I drank together for years, and since I stopped, he drinks significantly less often, only once or twice a week. When he drinks he does so to excess. Drink after drink after drink from dinner time til bedtime. Our bedroom reeks of booze these nights, and he's disorganized the next morning.

His drinking throughout my recovery, while less frequent, has nonetheless been a sticking point for me. As I craved it, he drank in front of me, because it was my choice to quit not his.

This has caused a serious rift in our relationship. I've been open about my concerns and just as I was thinking things were going well this weekend - bam! - he's pouring himself drinks.

He said that since he doesn't hurt me or mistreat others when he drinks that I should have no say in whether he drinks. I asked him point blank to stop drinking tonight. I told him I can't smell it, listen to him trip on words, watch him become mentally disorganized, and still work towards growing closer again.

I asked him what he wants - emotionally closeness with me or alcohol? He wants both, and thinks I'm unreasonable for posing the question. Am I? Part of me wonders if his accusations that I'm controlling and unreasonable are true.

biminiblue

Well, you can't set down "rules" for a grown man.

You can refuse to be around him when he drinks. Leave the room, sleep in the guest room, go to your friends' house, out to a movie, or whatever. Move out?

There is no way to enforce rules on an adult. You have to make choices for yourself to protect yourself from his drinking if it is offensive or if you just don't want to be around it.

lillamy

He's right. You can't tell him what to do. Neither can he tell you what to do or how to feel. If you feel that his drinking is affecting your marriage in a negative way, and he chooses to ignore that, he is de fact choosing alcohol over your marriage.

You do, however, have a say in how you handle the fact that he chooses to continue drinking. You have every right to choose not to be around him, to not accompany him to events where he will be drinking, to stay in a hotel when he's drunk, or to leave.

Ileana

Gleefan- What would you have done had the tables been reversed? He is sober and you weren't ready to quit? Before you quit, could anyone have made you make that choice except for you? How well would you have responded to the "me or the booze" ultimatum?

redatlanta

I think he is right GleeFan - He has the choice to drink. You mention you are RA is he an A?

You also have the choice not to live with someone who drinks.

If he decides to drink could you sleep in another room, or move to another part of the house so you don't have to be around him?

gleefan

I have inconvenienced myself for the better part of 16 months, while he drinks as much as he wants. I don't want to inconvenience myself by going to a less comfortable part of the house, or sleeping on the couch, or finding somewhere to hang out at the end of a long day, to avoid being around him when he chooses to get drunk.

I've told him how I feel about his drinking. He's chosen to keep on drinking - and tell me that I'm unreasonable, self centered, and crazy for having an issue with it, as well as that my anger that results from it is to blame for the difficulties in our marriage.

When I was active in my alcoholism, I balked any time he brought up my drinking. And to answer an early question, if he delivered an ultimatum of alcohol versus him, I don't know how I would have responded.

Does that mean that I can't set boundaries with him today? I think it's healthy that I won't get close to him if he keeps on choosing to get drunk. I'm determining whats acceptable to me - a drunk partner isn't.

He chose not to drink tonight, but isn't speaking to me. Now he's the one who feels angry and irritable and uneasy. For once, it's not me, and you know what - it feels great to be joyous, happy, free and comfortable in my own home.

Hawkeye13

Moving to another room or not being around him is really the only "boundary" you can give--you can't tell him how to live, but you can make other choices for yourself.

I feel you gleefan--I'm in the same situation but it isn't quite as severe with my spouse.
Nonetheless, I don't like living with someone who drinks any amount at this point.
But he has the same right to drink that I did. It's tough.

It sounds like you have maybe some hard decisions to make if you can't, or won't, live with an active drinker. Hugs.

redatlanta

Sounds like the age old tug of war to me. You made him feel uncomfortable when you were drinking, he asked you to limit, etc. etc. I bet you have heard that!

Does that mean you can't set boundaries? Uh no. Because you did comply with his complaints eventually you quit.

Sorry this is happening wish he would be more compliant.

FireSprite

This is a tough situation. I can see both sides; I can AGREE with both sides. You have the right to set boundaries but he has the right to live his life as he wishes. But boundaries only take you so far because you can't use them to dictate his behavior. It really only gives you power over your OWN choices, so the options typically ARE inconvenient no matter what you do.

Is it as simple as you feel uncomfortable around drinking & fear it may encourage a relapse on your part?... that you require zero exposure to alcohol, especially in your own home? (totally understandable)

Is it that you feel HE is an alcoholic but is refusing to see/treat it?

Is it Resentment bubbling up? Is there a small part of you that resents him for being ABLE to drink while you "can't"? Do you feel like he's rubbing it in your face?

Does he support your recovery in any other ways or is he generally pretty neutral? Or does he only contribute in this negative way?

Were you an "at-home" drinker? Is this even more triggering because it's happening on your turf, so to speak? I ask because RAH was a secret drinker who drank in private (completely alone) or in public settings like bars. So for him, home isn't an issue so much as being out at a bar or some kind of party or event. I can keep all kinds of liquor at home & it never tempts him but if we're at a holiday party or seeing a friend's band in a bar he gets antsy & anxious.

(you don't have to answer here, just trying to give you more to think about)

LexieCat

FireSprite has some very good, pertinent questions to consider.

At some point, if you two are at loggerheads to the extent you can't be happy in your own home, you have the right to LEAVE. As it is, you are sort of at a standoff, trying to see who will cave first. Those situations generally don't end happily--whoever gives in is likely to resent the other.

Your own sobriety comes first. Maybe doing more step work will bring you to a place where you can stay, peacefully. If not, then maybe it's time for a parting of the ways. Have you ever talked to a lawyer about your options?

AnvilheadII

he may indeed have an alcohol problem or just really like to drink a lot....for years you two drank together and that became kind of an unspoken pact of sorts, the ones the drinking buddies have. even tho he did comment on YOUR drinking from time to time.

then you have the nerve to go and get sober! there goes the buddy pact. and now his drinking is the one in the spotlight....for you AND for him. and he is obstinately defending his right to drink REGARDLESS of what you have said about it. he is unwilling to CHANGE for you.

when one partner sobers up, they sometimes don't like what they see in their partner......out of the haze of booze or drugs, clear headed, everything becomes all too REAL.

you have a right to peace in your own home.
he has the right to drink his face off in his own home.

thing is you both SHARE that home. stalemate. until one of you makes more changes.

gleefan

Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do or say next.

Mango blast

Big hugs, gleefan.

Have you worked the Alanon program yet? It took me a LONG time to start going. Now I'm very thankful for what I'm learning through the program. I'm liking me a whole lot more, and learning how to relate and communicate with my husband in new ways. Progress, not perfection. Yet as I change, everything changes. My anxiety has almost completely disappeared. It's a very rare thing now, and short-lived.

I see things my way and his way. My sponsor opens up new ways of looking at things, such as how I can build bridges (without requiring him to walk on it) when my husband is digging trenches and putting up barbed wire.

New actions are very helpful, too. What new actions can I do? Usually ones I don't want to and that make me uncomfortable, but that's how I grow and I'm starting to feel safe in that instead of off-balance.

NYCDoglvr

Congrats on 16 months!!! Most people don't get a year. As a recovering alcoholic I'll say this is a life/death disease and your sobriety must come first. It must. I suggest sitting down with your husband and asking him to stop all consumption of alcohol in the home because it threatens your sobriety (and therefore, your life). If he refuses I personally would start looking for another place to live. A big hug.

gleefan

This is amazing!

gleefan

Wow, when my thoughts turned to what was "wrong" today, this bridge-building imagery worked. I pictured myself sashaying over a lovely bridge. It helped me focus on my solution rather than others' shortcomings.

I truly appreciate everyone's input. One of the more interesting blessings of my recovery has been clarity surrounding my codependent behavior. I definitely hear the message that I need to focus on changing the things I can.