Hi and help (again)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Upstaino - one of the hardest things about divorce is finding a new identity. When your identity is tied to another, and you become single, its really like being the one balloon floating in the sky. I see no difference in marriage vs. committed relationship.
On a much smaller scale - I have a business store front. At times I am on the road for weeks. This makes me feel discombobulated about week two. When I return I still feel that way - like I am walking around in my business and I don't know what to do.
It takes time to reestablish a routine, you have also moved. XAB may be no good for you, but he is familiar. Familiar=safe. Establishing a regular routine helps this. Goal is to have things scheduled throughout the day to keep it moving. Filling in the gaps helps derail down time that could be devoted to romanticizing the relationship or communicating with the EX.
On a much smaller scale - I have a business store front. At times I am on the road for weeks. This makes me feel discombobulated about week two. When I return I still feel that way - like I am walking around in my business and I don't know what to do.
It takes time to reestablish a routine, you have also moved. XAB may be no good for you, but he is familiar. Familiar=safe. Establishing a regular routine helps this. Goal is to have things scheduled throughout the day to keep it moving. Filling in the gaps helps derail down time that could be devoted to romanticizing the relationship or communicating with the EX.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
Upstaino, I have been where you are and it hurts and is hard. I left my AH 8 years ago. I knew I needed to leave and that's all I could think about. I just knew I would be so happy once I was out of that chaotic life but somehow as soon as I was out it was nothing like I had envisioned. I cried all the time. I missed him so much it hurt, and I could not get myself together. I was in counseling and everyone including my counselor told me not to go back. I just knew he had changed and had learned his lesson. Well low and behold within a couple of months we were right back in the same cycle and now it is 8 years later and I am still trying to get out again.
PLEASE, remember what you went through while you were there.
I got all the sweet text, the phone calls, the I love you's, the I miss you and the fact that he was in counseling. None of it mattered he was the same within a short time.
NOTHING changed and now I am in the same boat years later. I regret so much that I did not stay away for by now the loneliness would have surly been gone. I really thought it would all be different this time but it is not. It is much harder to leave this time at least for me.
Know that the pain you are going through WILL pass. Focus on building a new life. I cannot imagine where I would be now had a put as much focus on building my new life as I put into missing him and being lonely. He wants you back because he wants something from you and once he gets it he will slowly but surly slip back into who he really is.
Find a hobby to focus on, something you enjoy but requires your attention. It is so hard and I feel for you but the only way to get through this and come out stronger and more alive is for you to change your focus from him to you. Don't forget how hard it is to leave.
(((Hugs))) to you.
PLEASE, remember what you went through while you were there.
I got all the sweet text, the phone calls, the I love you's, the I miss you and the fact that he was in counseling. None of it mattered he was the same within a short time.
NOTHING changed and now I am in the same boat years later. I regret so much that I did not stay away for by now the loneliness would have surly been gone. I really thought it would all be different this time but it is not. It is much harder to leave this time at least for me.
Know that the pain you are going through WILL pass. Focus on building a new life. I cannot imagine where I would be now had a put as much focus on building my new life as I put into missing him and being lonely. He wants you back because he wants something from you and once he gets it he will slowly but surly slip back into who he really is.
Find a hobby to focus on, something you enjoy but requires your attention. It is so hard and I feel for you but the only way to get through this and come out stronger and more alive is for you to change your focus from him to you. Don't forget how hard it is to leave.
(((Hugs))) to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 9
Thanks, again, everyone. Sadly, because I got another "i miss you guys" (me and my kids) text today...I have taken 2 steps back. I broke down and called him tonight. I tried to express to him how I am feeling:
Sad. That I don't know what I am doing...why are things the way they are?....what happened? I didn't really want to leave..I just felt I had to get away...and didn't think beyond the moment. That I feel so very lost.
Rather than express any sentiment that he wants to work it out, or will do something (anything) to have me back, he just said that things will be okay...that I should just find a job...get settled...and keep moving forward. He went on that we are pretty much where we are; and we have to deal with what is our situation.
I don't know why...but I feel so low. Even though I initiated the "break;" finally couldn't take being ignored, berated and disrespected...was done with the crazy, irrational behavior and verbal abuse...I want him to tell me we can make it work and that things can be different. I want to hear that I am worth holding on to and fighting for, and that he'll do anything to see that we are together. As I am not getting that from him...I sit here thinking "oh my god...he is actually okay (relieved?) with this being over," which makes me feel even worse. Why in the world would I care?! I am the one who couldn't take it anymore...wanted a different/better life for my kids and me..knew the only way to achieve that would be to leave...
And yet, I am essentially waiting for him to ask me back; to show regret for how he treated me and that he, too, wants our life back. Maybe it's better that he doesn't. I know if I he were to, I would probably be packing my stuff..returning to a life in which I was miserable. Your post really hit home with me, Sunny34. I know the path I should take...and don't want to find myself wishing I had and having it be even harder down the line. I guess it's just the idea that somehow, even though I am willing (I feel embarrassed writing that), I am not being given a choice...and it's really over, whether I like it or not.
Sad. That I don't know what I am doing...why are things the way they are?....what happened? I didn't really want to leave..I just felt I had to get away...and didn't think beyond the moment. That I feel so very lost.
Rather than express any sentiment that he wants to work it out, or will do something (anything) to have me back, he just said that things will be okay...that I should just find a job...get settled...and keep moving forward. He went on that we are pretty much where we are; and we have to deal with what is our situation.
I don't know why...but I feel so low. Even though I initiated the "break;" finally couldn't take being ignored, berated and disrespected...was done with the crazy, irrational behavior and verbal abuse...I want him to tell me we can make it work and that things can be different. I want to hear that I am worth holding on to and fighting for, and that he'll do anything to see that we are together. As I am not getting that from him...I sit here thinking "oh my god...he is actually okay (relieved?) with this being over," which makes me feel even worse. Why in the world would I care?! I am the one who couldn't take it anymore...wanted a different/better life for my kids and me..knew the only way to achieve that would be to leave...
And yet, I am essentially waiting for him to ask me back; to show regret for how he treated me and that he, too, wants our life back. Maybe it's better that he doesn't. I know if I he were to, I would probably be packing my stuff..returning to a life in which I was miserable. Your post really hit home with me, Sunny34. I know the path I should take...and don't want to find myself wishing I had and having it be even harder down the line. I guess it's just the idea that somehow, even though I am willing (I feel embarrassed writing that), I am not being given a choice...and it's really over, whether I like it or not.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You could HEAR all those things--most people here, do--and it means nothing but that their partners want things back the way they were. It is, indeed, much better not to get the empty promises. How much worse would it be to drag the kids back, only to have to leave AGAIN?
If you DO start hearing those things from him, wait. Having left already, you don't want to be dragging your kids around on nothing more than a hope that things will be different. Wait until he SHOWS you that things ARE different. I wouldn't make any moves unless he is solidly sober for at least a year.
If you DO start hearing those things from him, wait. Having left already, you don't want to be dragging your kids around on nothing more than a hope that things will be different. Wait until he SHOWS you that things ARE different. I wouldn't make any moves unless he is solidly sober for at least a year.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Lilro 
Upstaino. PLEASE do yourself a favor and go no contact!
Your story sounds a lot like my own and many others here at SR. I myself felt the same exact way you currently feel a month ago. Even though I initiated the split, I was still very unsure I had done the correct thing. That first week I couldn't even find the energy to do too much of anything but cry and lay in bed. I was mad at myself, mad at him, confused, shell shocked. It was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that this man who had promised me a future couldn't see past his own addiction to deliver. Now I can see so clearly, the manipulation, the lies, God only knows what else...I was dealing with a very sick person. I also got the "I miss you" , the " I know I have issues, I'm going to work on them" text, Really?? Now??? The " I love you" text. Well hell, I'd love someone I could treat like he did and get away with it too! Please... I could go on, DO NOT RESPOND to any future texting, phone calls, emails...nothing. A wise person here at SR told me that if they really want help they will get it with or without you in the picture... Good advise. Consider yourself lucky that you no longer live in the same town.. I wish.. I have been avoiding certain places in my own town so as not to run into him ( I swear, I will probably puke at the sight of him, that how disgusted I am).
Stay strong...we have all been there....try n/c... Believe me, it works....keep reading the posts here, this is where I found my strength. TAKE CARE OF YOU!! Let Go & Let God.
Keep your chin up and keep moving forward...you've got this! BIG HUG!!
Your story sounds a lot like my own and many others here at SR. I myself felt the same exact way you currently feel a month ago. Even though I initiated the split, I was still very unsure I had done the correct thing. That first week I couldn't even find the energy to do too much of anything but cry and lay in bed. I was mad at myself, mad at him, confused, shell shocked. It was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that this man who had promised me a future couldn't see past his own addiction to deliver. Now I can see so clearly, the manipulation, the lies, God only knows what else...I was dealing with a very sick person. I also got the "I miss you" , the " I know I have issues, I'm going to work on them" text, Really?? Now??? The " I love you" text. Well hell, I'd love someone I could treat like he did and get away with it too! Please... I could go on, DO NOT RESPOND to any future texting, phone calls, emails...nothing. A wise person here at SR told me that if they really want help they will get it with or without you in the picture... Good advise. Consider yourself lucky that you no longer live in the same town.. I wish.. I have been avoiding certain places in my own town so as not to run into him ( I swear, I will probably puke at the sight of him, that how disgusted I am).
Stay strong...we have all been there....try n/c... Believe me, it works....keep reading the posts here, this is where I found my strength. TAKE CARE OF YOU!! Let Go & Let God.
Keep your chin up and keep moving forward...you've got this! BIG HUG!!
Wow..this is exactly how it feels. I, too, initiated the break up...and yet, I have been living with self-doubt...wondering if I "overreacted" or acted too hastily in my decision to leave. This week has been sheer hell...I truly feel like I am walking around like a zombie. I know it will pass (so I am told!) but it just feels so hard to see past it all. Against good advice, I accepted the texts..and even reached out and called today....ugh. what am I doing?? Guess I am a glutton for punishment. Jeez.
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