AGF quit rehab
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Hard to hear this I'm sure...if you can, take even a few minutes away from everything today (mentally, that is). Go for a walk, have lunch with a friend, get a little sun, go to the batting range and smack some baseballs...smell the air and remember that in some way, everything WILL be okay for you over time. You don't know the path or the timing, but things will work out for you if you keep moving forward.
Sometimes we get so busy chasing crazy that we forget to look out the window at the world beyond. Take a minute to remember what life was like a year ago, three years ago...and remember that THAT is what life is. Don't accept current status quo--or slightly improved status quo-- as good enough. Put that in your mind and don't feel guilty for thinking it.
I struggled with "abandoning" XAH when he needed me, and he was good at adding to that feeling to make me think I needed to do more. What I didn't see at the time was that he repeatedly abandoned me emotionally. I wasn't first in his life--alcohol always ranked above me. I couldn't ever be his priority as long as he chose alcohol. They call it a mistress for a reason. He never changed. (Well, until he added more mistresses, lol. Not exactly the change I was hoping for!)
You deserve to be number one. As things develop, please know that in your heart. It's okay to want and need that--to require it of her, and if she's not willing or able in a reasonable amount of time, to step back kindly. Just in case it's lurking there, please don't let guilt in if it creeps up on you when you have fleeting feelings of delaying or stepping back.
I spent 20 years as the "second" with XAH. I found I ended up making me "second" too. It hurts and nobody wins. And it was all my choice.
You've got a lot ahead of you whichever way things go. I just want you to know without a doubt that taking moments, days, or a lifetime for YOU is okay. And you're still a good guy.
Sending prayers and hugs to you today. I know how deeply disappointed you must be feeling. Things may still work out, but I can tell you--you will KNOW it if you see it.
Sometimes we get so busy chasing crazy that we forget to look out the window at the world beyond. Take a minute to remember what life was like a year ago, three years ago...and remember that THAT is what life is. Don't accept current status quo--or slightly improved status quo-- as good enough. Put that in your mind and don't feel guilty for thinking it.
I struggled with "abandoning" XAH when he needed me, and he was good at adding to that feeling to make me think I needed to do more. What I didn't see at the time was that he repeatedly abandoned me emotionally. I wasn't first in his life--alcohol always ranked above me. I couldn't ever be his priority as long as he chose alcohol. They call it a mistress for a reason. He never changed. (Well, until he added more mistresses, lol. Not exactly the change I was hoping for!)
You deserve to be number one. As things develop, please know that in your heart. It's okay to want and need that--to require it of her, and if she's not willing or able in a reasonable amount of time, to step back kindly. Just in case it's lurking there, please don't let guilt in if it creeps up on you when you have fleeting feelings of delaying or stepping back.
I spent 20 years as the "second" with XAH. I found I ended up making me "second" too. It hurts and nobody wins. And it was all my choice.
You've got a lot ahead of you whichever way things go. I just want you to know without a doubt that taking moments, days, or a lifetime for YOU is okay. And you're still a good guy.
Sending prayers and hugs to you today. I know how deeply disappointed you must be feeling. Things may still work out, but I can tell you--you will KNOW it if you see it.
I had to laugh at the "is there a toothbrush there" comment.
I used to work at a DNA testing lab, and people would call wanting to test things like toothbrushes to see whose they were. LOL at my ex paying $800 for a DNA test to prove his toothbrush was left behind.
He was the one who wanted an installed ceiling lamp back. I wasn't inclined to give it to him. He said, "Any lawyer in the world would say it is mine and you have to give it back."
My answer, "Well, call an attorney for your $30 light."
So quacky.
I used to work at a DNA testing lab, and people would call wanting to test things like toothbrushes to see whose they were. LOL at my ex paying $800 for a DNA test to prove his toothbrush was left behind.
He was the one who wanted an installed ceiling lamp back. I wasn't inclined to give it to him. He said, "Any lawyer in the world would say it is mine and you have to give it back."
My answer, "Well, call an attorney for your $30 light."
So quacky.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
Anvil, we've been together a little more than a year. I may have to call off the wedding. I think I will tell her she can come home. She's probably sipping margaritas at the hotel pool right now. I always thought that a alcoholic had to look like Nick cage in leaving las Vegas. That idea is not always true.
If you want to read my story, I posted it in "I Left the Chaos" and "Anger Stage."
I just want to thank you for coming here and posting this, and I just want to let you know that you have a good support system here with people who've been there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: US
Posts: 57
Hello everyone. It's been another rough week. My AGF continues to drink outside our home. The good news is her parents found anything there rehab for her. This one has private room and she can bring her cell phone and lap top. I attended another Alanon meeting. Lot of people had kids hooked on drugs so I struggled to relate.
I'm not sure how having her laptop and cell phone will help her get sober--it WILL make it easier for her to drive you crazy with phone calls and texts. I assume her folks are paying for this round?
Keep hitting those meetings. Every group is different, and even with the same group, different meetings vary by who happens to be there. And even with the parents of the drug addicts, their situation isn't so very different from yours. They are terribly worried about someone whose substance abuse is out of control, endangering themselves and their families. One of the things I was told early on in Al-Anon and AA was to "identify, don't compare." Don't examine everyone's external situation to see how much it is or isn't like yours. Those externals really aren't at the heart of someone's experience. Listen instead for the emotions they feel, the helplessness, the anger, the sadness. Those are things that you share, and there is a common solution in the Steps.
Hugs,
Keep hitting those meetings. Every group is different, and even with the same group, different meetings vary by who happens to be there. And even with the parents of the drug addicts, their situation isn't so very different from yours. They are terribly worried about someone whose substance abuse is out of control, endangering themselves and their families. One of the things I was told early on in Al-Anon and AA was to "identify, don't compare." Don't examine everyone's external situation to see how much it is or isn't like yours. Those externals really aren't at the heart of someone's experience. Listen instead for the emotions they feel, the helplessness, the anger, the sadness. Those are things that you share, and there is a common solution in the Steps.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
I think, if you set your mind to attending regularly for a while, you'll find that you can relate better than you think. Everyone there is fighting the same war as you, just on different battlefields.
Alanon suggests that one attends at least 6 meetings before they decide it's not for them. Personally, I've heard words of wisdom, and received a tremendous amount of support from people I never would have thought I'd ever relate to.
Depending on where you live, you may have other Alanon groups that are a better fit. That can be an option also. Just don't give up too quickly. You deserve to be surrounded with people who understand what you're living through, and how hard it is.
ihatealcohol- I'm not sure where you are located but I had a tough time fitting into Al-Anon. I tried Celebrate Recovery and really like their program. They are nation wide. Note, the meetings are much more religion based than Al-Anon. There are other types of meetings keep trying until you find something that works. Good luck.
P.S. Not sure what rehab her parents found that allows cell phone and laptops. Personally sounds like a bad idea to me. One of the biggest reasons that most rehabs ban those items is to free the addict from outside distractions and allow them to work on sobriety. For me allowing those items a recipe for disaster to have friends and family sneak in drugs and alcohol. But..if she's going I guess that is all that matters.
P.S. Not sure what rehab her parents found that allows cell phone and laptops. Personally sounds like a bad idea to me. One of the biggest reasons that most rehabs ban those items is to free the addict from outside distractions and allow them to work on sobriety. For me allowing those items a recipe for disaster to have friends and family sneak in drugs and alcohol. But..if she's going I guess that is all that matters.
A drunk is a drunk is a drunk. She is a drunk and she is no better than anyone she may encounter in a rehab environment. This is something you have yet to comprehend.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
IHA, on a certain level I get where you're coming from. You feel she's like some kid who gets thrown into jail for smoking pot, meets a lot of gangsters while in the pen, and comes out selling smack.
But, I think maybe you're still not connecting the dots. She was given an opportunity that could keep her out of jail. An opportunity away from people that are most definitely criminals. But it's not good enough. Instead of showing any contrition she's only shown selfishness, and still she gets what she wants, time and time again.
So, she wins.
If I were her, quite honestly, I wouldn't quit either. Why should I when I can have my cake and eat it too?
However, it's her parents dime, and there lesson to learn. The smartest thing you could do right now is keep you eyes open and see how this plays out. Maybe you'll learn something as well.
But, I think maybe you're still not connecting the dots. She was given an opportunity that could keep her out of jail. An opportunity away from people that are most definitely criminals. But it's not good enough. Instead of showing any contrition she's only shown selfishness, and still she gets what she wants, time and time again.
So, she wins.
If I were her, quite honestly, I wouldn't quit either. Why should I when I can have my cake and eat it too?
However, it's her parents dime, and there lesson to learn. The smartest thing you could do right now is keep you eyes open and see how this plays out. Maybe you'll learn something as well.
Don't give her more credit than she deserves. She drove a school bus full of children around while drunk. You have said you don't care about "what might have happened." Those are words from someone in denial. One child's life is worth more than any excuse or justification you can come up with.
Go on and do what you feel is right. I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter how many, or what kind of rehab you put her in...if SHE doesn't want to stop drinking completely and life a sober life, you are just wasting your money and her time.
That is not to say that rehab or a sobriety program doesn't help, but in the end, it's up to her. No one...no program...no rehab is going to make and keep her sober. It is an inside job.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: US
Posts: 57
Suki, your opinion does not correlate with my research on treatment. I hope you learned a lesson at getting a dui at the age of 50. My AGF deserves the best and I'm sure this new rehab will solve the issue.
We are done when we are done. I am done, and June 6th of this year marked 8 years of continuous sobriety for me.
You sound kind of snarky to me about my sharing my own experience. That's okay. Your opinion of me is irrelevant. I'm just trying to help here. However, I'll sign off this thread since you don't seem to want my ESH. Good luck! I truly mean that.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Are you looking at the choices that your fiance is making and shaking your head in disbelief at what she has done? Chances are some people are looking at the things you say and they are probably shaking their head too. You seem to dismiss posts like Suki's because they don't correlate with your research. She is in recovery and posts like hers are, in my opinion, worth gold. Not only has she been where your girlfriend is, but she's found sobriety and has maintained it for several years. Who better to explain alcoholism than someone who has gone through it?
I apologize if I am misreading your posts, but there is something troubling in your posts, almost like an air of superiority. Again, I apologize if I'm reading them wrong, but based on the response of others, I don't think I'm the only one who sees this and hopefully that was not your intent.
You seem to think that the more money you spend on rehab, the better it is. I hope this rehab center will work for her and that she is able to work out her issues. I just don't want you to think that money guarantees success. There are people who have gotten sober though facilities like the Salvation Army for free. And no, I'm not just talking about homeless people you see on the street, but other well to do individuals who had already spent tens of thousands of dollars on “good” rehab centers. There are others from all walks of life (such as lawyers, bankers, doctors, etc) who lost it all (the fancy house, the nice cars, family) and found sobriety through AA, another free program.
You keep looking down at others who are struggling in life because, in your eyes, they are hardened criminals. The message that comes across is that your fiance is “better” than they are and she should be separated from such people. And since she is “not that bad”, the rules that apply to the rest of the them should not apply to her (such as serving jail time for driving a bus full of children while drunk). Imagine your fiance does get better, you go out to a social gathering and she is treated like an outcast because of her past. The whispers, the stares coming from people who feel they are better than she is. Maybe they wouldn't do it out in the open, but behind her back. How would you feel about that? Surely you would want the woman you love to be treated with respect. Well, those “criminals” that you seem to have so much disdain for are also loved by someone else and they would probably want their loves ones treated with respect too.
One trait that those in recovery all seem to share is HUMILITY. I'm not just talking about those battling addiction, but also their loved ones who are fighting it with them. So many of us, myself included, are guilty of judging others and looking down at them, when in reality we knew nothing of their situation. We just thought we knew it all. It scares us to know that now we may be on the receiving end of that judgment. Many of us have learned to be more compassionate towards others, including total strangers.
You have a lot of love and compassion towards your girlfriend, but something that stands out is your lack of compassion for the parents of the children whose lives she endangered. Your girlfriend doesn't seem to show any remorse for what she's done either. It's almost like they're a nuisance to you and not worthy of your consideration. As someone who has lost loved ones to drunk drivers, I hope you open your eyes to the very real danger that those children were in. Jail time for your girlfriend isn't about revenge. It's about holding her accountable for what she did and preventing a horrible tragedy from happening in the future.
I apologize if I am misreading your posts, but there is something troubling in your posts, almost like an air of superiority. Again, I apologize if I'm reading them wrong, but based on the response of others, I don't think I'm the only one who sees this and hopefully that was not your intent.
You seem to think that the more money you spend on rehab, the better it is. I hope this rehab center will work for her and that she is able to work out her issues. I just don't want you to think that money guarantees success. There are people who have gotten sober though facilities like the Salvation Army for free. And no, I'm not just talking about homeless people you see on the street, but other well to do individuals who had already spent tens of thousands of dollars on “good” rehab centers. There are others from all walks of life (such as lawyers, bankers, doctors, etc) who lost it all (the fancy house, the nice cars, family) and found sobriety through AA, another free program.
You keep looking down at others who are struggling in life because, in your eyes, they are hardened criminals. The message that comes across is that your fiance is “better” than they are and she should be separated from such people. And since she is “not that bad”, the rules that apply to the rest of the them should not apply to her (such as serving jail time for driving a bus full of children while drunk). Imagine your fiance does get better, you go out to a social gathering and she is treated like an outcast because of her past. The whispers, the stares coming from people who feel they are better than she is. Maybe they wouldn't do it out in the open, but behind her back. How would you feel about that? Surely you would want the woman you love to be treated with respect. Well, those “criminals” that you seem to have so much disdain for are also loved by someone else and they would probably want their loves ones treated with respect too.
One trait that those in recovery all seem to share is HUMILITY. I'm not just talking about those battling addiction, but also their loved ones who are fighting it with them. So many of us, myself included, are guilty of judging others and looking down at them, when in reality we knew nothing of their situation. We just thought we knew it all. It scares us to know that now we may be on the receiving end of that judgment. Many of us have learned to be more compassionate towards others, including total strangers.
You have a lot of love and compassion towards your girlfriend, but something that stands out is your lack of compassion for the parents of the children whose lives she endangered. Your girlfriend doesn't seem to show any remorse for what she's done either. It's almost like they're a nuisance to you and not worthy of your consideration. As someone who has lost loved ones to drunk drivers, I hope you open your eyes to the very real danger that those children were in. Jail time for your girlfriend isn't about revenge. It's about holding her accountable for what she did and preventing a horrible tragedy from happening in the future.
By all means send her where you think she should go. I hope that she can keep her cell phone and laptop weren't criteria that you or she were looking for in determining her course of treatment. I do agree with you that there are different qualities of treatment facilities and some are much better than others.
I do not agree with you that she is exhibiting any behavior indicative that she wants to get sober. To the contrary she is yelling loudly that she does not.
If she has a agreed to go that's the best you can hope for. Maybe it will help who knows. Your fiance sounds like she has been coddled and spoiled quite a bit in her 35 years. Having been to the "sub par" rehab I hope that she will at the least feel grateful for what you and her parents are sacrificing, rather than feel it is what she is entitled to, which is kind of what it sounds like.
Good luck with this and I hope she will see the light.
I do not agree with you that she is exhibiting any behavior indicative that she wants to get sober. To the contrary she is yelling loudly that she does not.
If she has a agreed to go that's the best you can hope for. Maybe it will help who knows. Your fiance sounds like she has been coddled and spoiled quite a bit in her 35 years. Having been to the "sub par" rehab I hope that she will at the least feel grateful for what you and her parents are sacrificing, rather than feel it is what she is entitled to, which is kind of what it sounds like.
Good luck with this and I hope she will see the light.
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