teendoc

I went to my Al-Anon meeting last night (though my husband has a porn addiction, I still enjoy this Al-Anon meeting as an addition to my finding serenity. My S-Anon meeting is only once a week and I need a booster shot of serenity by the end of the week). The topic last night was attitude. People spoke both about overall attitudes and having attitudes of gratitude because they had put their faith and trust into their higher power. It related for most people to steps 2 and 3.

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I haven't discussed here that my husband and I have been trying to conceive for about the past year. As his porn addiction affects his sexual performance with me, in addition to the fact that I'm no youngster, we've had to rely on ART (advanced reproductive technologies, artificial insemination and IVF) for our attempts to have a child. Unfortunately for reasons that the doctors cannot explain, I haven't responded as predicted to the medications given before IVF. As such, I've not had a successful egg retrieval as yet. Even with the change in reproductive endocrinologists, my body has not cooperated with me to start a new cycle.

Last week, despite by doctor's best efforts to suppress my hormonal system to get me ready for another cycle, my body decided to respond better on its own than it had ever done even with stimulation medications. My female hormone (estradiol) had jumped to 302! (I had only made it to 283 on maximum doses of stimulation meds in the past) The doctor decided to attempt retrieval of my naturally produced egg last Sunday. I had my labs rechecked last Saturday and found that the estradiol was now 407 (never had I achieved such numbers!). And Sunday morning I went for retrieval.

Guess what they found after I was under anesthesia? No egg in the follicle on the ovary. :greencry: Either there never was an egg (doubtful) or it released earlier than planned. So we opted to go through with another insemination and are now in the 2 week wait. That's the Reader's Digest version of the background for this post.

I shared last night during the meeting about how bad my attitude has been in this 2 week wait until my pregnancy test. It is this type of surrender that I still struggle with. I have delusions of control, believing that I can control all the important outcomes in my life. I also have delusions of punishment, believing that the bad things that happen are because of punishment or wickedness in my heart.

The logical part of me realizes that this is clearly unsound thinking. However when issues with great emotional overlay come up, such as trying to have a baby, my logic leaves me. I start to feel that God is punishing me for having married an addict, or because we are both recovering but not recovered. Or maybe it is because I'm not destined to be a "good" mother since my maternal attitudes are different from the mommy-tracker women I know.

As I write these words I realize how ludicrous they sound. But all week I've been convinced that my IUI was a failure because things are just not totally right in my life. I have begun believing that God does not wish for me to be pregnant. I want this 2-week wait to be over so that I can get on with the business of making pregnancy happen, now that my body seems to want to respond. Yet that makes it sound as if it is under my control, doesn't it? Like if I could just start my stims, I could make the follicles develop myself. More delusions of control.

So back to surrender. I must surrender my will in this regard. Oh, I will take the steps that I can and should, but the outcome is NOT in my hands. Let me say that again...THE OUTCOME IS NOT IN MY HANDS. What will be, will be. Struggling for control will not make my ends come to pass.

All any of us can do is to take the actions we can (i.e. work our steps, as they say in the program) and learn that the outcome is not uniformly up to us. We may do a wonderful job but still get passed over for promotion. We could knit a great sweater but then find that our cat has chewed a hole right in the center. We just cannot make outcomes occur by the sheer force of will. Our will is not so great.

For this next week I pledge to turn my will over to my higher power. I will take neither a pessimistic nor optimistic position regarding my insemination. I will just surrender and lay the outcome in God's hands.

For a control freak like me, this will be the most difficult thing to accomplish. But I am trying.

Thanks for letting me share.

journeygal

(((((Teendoc)))))

Lorelai

I'd like to join any control freak club you may be starting. I am getting better though. I think turning things over to my HP was really hard for me because I had some crazy idea that I was in control of the universe. One small misstep on my part and the whole world was going to implode. That's a pretty heavy burden.

I think it's wonderful that you are turning things over to your HP. For me, it was a big relief. I'm not great at it yet but I'm learning. You will too.
Your Sister in Control Freakyness

Neagrm

It seems that surrender is always an ongoing process that I'm repeating over and over. It is never a one time thing. (I'm a slow learner ) I think it takes practice our entire lives. It may get easier to initiate the process of surrender as we do it over and over, but it's the sustaining and remembering and renewing of it that takes serious persistence.

I am very sorry for your disappointment about the egg retrieval and it must be very hard, all that you've gone through around this. It sounds like you are on the right track, though, thinking it through; you're aware of your thought processes and you're working on it.

I really identify with what you say about strong feelings over-riding the rational logic. Matching our intellectual understanding with our emotions and thoughts, is one of the bigger challenges in my book. You've really thought this through. It's so beneficial you are turning it over to your HP.

So many times in my life, despite my realization of illogical thinking, I find myself feeling responsible for things that are negative, such as you mention. (There may also be powerful cultural/deeper conditioning at work.)

Once someone said or I read somewhere, that such thinking is also a way of controlling, just not as obvious to us. I'd suggest, perhaps it's easier, even though so painful, for people to think they caused something, because at least then, it's not a random, uncontrollable, unfathomable thing that happens to them (somehow that latter situation would be even more unbearable). (Ha! I see I just distanced myself by switching to third person -- it's "they/them" instead of "I/us", LOL.)

You are dealing with some heavy material. Kudos to you for facing your demons. It inspires me to work on my own. Sending strength and positive vibes,
Nea

teendoc

Journeygal, Nea & Lorelai: Thank you for your words of support. I think I have surrendered and unsurrendered (is that a word?) about a million times this weekend. This is such a difficult process.I'm just trying to keep the refrain going in my head.

Quote:

Once someone said or I read somewhere, that such thinking is also a way of controlling, just not as obvious to us. I'd suggest, perhaps it's easier, even though so painful, for people to think they caused something, because at least then, it's not a random, uncontrollable, unfathomable thing that happens to them (somehow that latter situation would be even more unbearable).

I think you have really hit the nail on the head here. These words so resonated within me. I am such a fatalist that I must believe that everything is happening for some kind of reason. I dislike the idea of the world being completely random and uncontrollable. It is easier for me to believe that I somehow caused the problem than to accept that it was just bad fortune. I've got to process this some more.

This is rough going. I appreciate the dialogue and support.

teendoc

This surrendering has been difficult work! I still find myself with magical thoughts like, "don't talk about the pregnancy symptoms you are having or God with reward you with a big fat negative pregnancy test on Sunday." As if my speaking would somehow jinx me. Again, not surrender...but instead more control speak.

So I will say here what I haven't been able to say anywhere else. I'm having symptoms of early pregnancy, my temperature chart looks like implantation has occurred, and there was the tiniest of pink lines on the pregnancy test that I did yesterday morning when I took it out of the trash and re-looked at it yesterday evening. This all has given me hope that perhaps a little miracle has occurred. My official testing date is Sunday and that is when I will know.

I have hope and I shouldn't be afraid of it.

Thanks for listening.

splendra

(((((TD)))))-

We don't know what the outcome will be. We do know God is with you and the outcome is in His hands. Hope is good but, let's trust our HP to know what is best for us always. That way no matter what the outcome of any test or trial we can be sure that our HP knows what is best for us and He will be walking with us on our journey.
Let our prayer be that we will trust our HP to give us the desires of our hearts!!!