Update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Update
Hi all,
Much has happened in the past week and a half. As I posted last time, I was approved for an apartment that is due to be available for move-in on August 8.
Since then, the apartment management company called me to essentially retract my approval, because they (and I) found out that my AH is behind on the rent at our current place.
It's amazing how I have gone from dragging my feet on leaving for FIVE YEARS, to "nothing is stopping me now." I got on the phone with my current landlord, then went over to the apartment complex to talk with them. We have reached an agreement that if I can get the all clear from the current landlord that he has been paid, the apartment complex will approve me. HP has blessed me with some incredibly kind and wonderful friends who are helping me in big ways to make this happen.
However...when I found out about our rent being in arrears at the current place, I completely flipped out on AH. We were driving our son to tee ball when I got the call (he was in a separate vehicle). I literally hung up with the apartment complex as we were parking. Without taking much-needed time to calm down and collect myself, I confronted my AH. This is a HUGE issue for us, because he has berated, belittled, and criticized me endlessly for years about certain money decisions. Anyway, long story short...he knows I'm leaving. Things have been tense, but I have not backed down. Last night I was on the receiving end of a 20-minute lecture about how grateful I should be for everything he has done for my daughters and me. And while I used to feel the need to defend myself or argue back when untruths and twisted truths would come out of his mouth, last night it frankly was all I could do to keep from laughing. The absurdity of it all!
I am more determined than ever to get out on that blessed, wonderful August 8 date. Even though I am not officially approved for the apartment until I catch up the rent on the current place and pay a long-outstanding utility bill, the complex has agreed to hold the unit for me (probably because the garden-level units aren't most folks' first choice, but I really want one so my little guy isn't disturbing a downstairs neighbor with his stomping around).
That's all the news that's fit to print right now...thanks so much for all of your support!
Much has happened in the past week and a half. As I posted last time, I was approved for an apartment that is due to be available for move-in on August 8.
Since then, the apartment management company called me to essentially retract my approval, because they (and I) found out that my AH is behind on the rent at our current place.
It's amazing how I have gone from dragging my feet on leaving for FIVE YEARS, to "nothing is stopping me now." I got on the phone with my current landlord, then went over to the apartment complex to talk with them. We have reached an agreement that if I can get the all clear from the current landlord that he has been paid, the apartment complex will approve me. HP has blessed me with some incredibly kind and wonderful friends who are helping me in big ways to make this happen.
However...when I found out about our rent being in arrears at the current place, I completely flipped out on AH. We were driving our son to tee ball when I got the call (he was in a separate vehicle). I literally hung up with the apartment complex as we were parking. Without taking much-needed time to calm down and collect myself, I confronted my AH. This is a HUGE issue for us, because he has berated, belittled, and criticized me endlessly for years about certain money decisions. Anyway, long story short...he knows I'm leaving. Things have been tense, but I have not backed down. Last night I was on the receiving end of a 20-minute lecture about how grateful I should be for everything he has done for my daughters and me. And while I used to feel the need to defend myself or argue back when untruths and twisted truths would come out of his mouth, last night it frankly was all I could do to keep from laughing. The absurdity of it all!
I am more determined than ever to get out on that blessed, wonderful August 8 date. Even though I am not officially approved for the apartment until I catch up the rent on the current place and pay a long-outstanding utility bill, the complex has agreed to hold the unit for me (probably because the garden-level units aren't most folks' first choice, but I really want one so my little guy isn't disturbing a downstairs neighbor with his stomping around).
That's all the news that's fit to print right now...thanks so much for all of your support!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I know that feeling.....the one where 'nothing can stop me now come hell or high water'. It gives you the confidence to be able to truly disengage from the alcoholic's rantings and ravings and be able to step forward in peace. My XAH (our divorce was final recently) still gets to me and sometimes can push my buttons, but the freedom I feel when I walk into my own home without living with active alcoholism, is truly what settles me into serenity.
I will be thinking of you and praying for you that all things fall into place. When you put action into these things, our HP steps in and backs us up. HUGS lady, you've got this!
I will be thinking of you and praying for you that all things fall into place. When you put action into these things, our HP steps in and backs us up. HUGS lady, you've got this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
FG, I am not holding my breath. Now that he knows I'm leaving, I expect that he will keep us perpetually one month behind, so that I can never get the landlord's good reference. I'm finding a way to take care of it myself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
Wisconsin you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that everything falls into place and you are able to get into this unit. I do not know your story but he sounds a lot like my AH. Good luck as you move forward.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
One of the things I've worried about over the past month or two is how I would react if AH pulled out all the stops to try to get me to stay. Declarations of love, promises of sobriety, apologies for his abusive behavior, etc. I have been concerned that it would be hard for me to stand my ground.
No problem there! AH's idea of trying to "woo" me to stay has been to criticize me endlessly and assure me that I cannot make it on my own. I can promise you that there isn't a single thing he could EVER say to me to change my mind at this point.
No problem there! AH's idea of trying to "woo" me to stay has been to criticize me endlessly and assure me that I cannot make it on my own. I can promise you that there isn't a single thing he could EVER say to me to change my mind at this point.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Go, Wisconsin, Go! I'm sure he's going to continue to batter you with attempts to engage verbally & emotionally, as well as sabotaging your plans in any possible way. (But you already know that)
GOOD FOR YOU for not letting this deter you!
GOOD FOR YOU for not letting this deter you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Oh hell no! I am moving into a tiny 750 square foot apartment with two bedrooms...and the three kidlets, our miniature dachshund, and I will be absolutely blissful in our peace and serenity. No longer will my daughters hide in their bedroom all weekend. No longer will my five-year old son cover my mouth with his hand when AH talks to me, because he (my son) thinks that will prevent us from fighting. Never again will our son declare that Daddy is "talking mad" and Mommy is "talking sad." We'll be living on a shoestring budget in a shoebox, and we will be ecstatic.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
OP-I've been on the receiving end of those rants as well-"you're so ungrateful, I work hard for my family, you have no idea how hard my job is, you still make the same amount of money that you did 5 years ago, at least I don't cheat on you, on and on....". No thanks. I guess in their twisted delusional minds their hard work (victim much?! I work too!!) negates all the bad things and abuse. They are literally insane and will keep getting worse until they choose to stop. Kudos to you and wishing you much peace and wisdom going forward!!!!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
W your posts about the children hiding, and especially your son with his hand over his mouth have really moved me. You are so right to move, and it will be a huge positive step for you and the children. Wishing you peace and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 182
Originally Posted by Wisconsin 
One of the things I've worried about over the past month or two is how I would react if AH pulled out all the stops to try to get me to stay. Declarations of love, promises of sobriety, apologies for his abusive behavior, etc. I have been concerned that it would be hard for me to stand my ground.
No problem there! AH's idea of trying to "woo" me to stay has been to criticize me endlessly and assure me that I cannot make it on my own. I can promise you that there isn't a single thing he could EVER say to me to change my mind at this point.
No problem there! AH's idea of trying to "woo" me to stay has been to criticize me endlessly and assure me that I cannot make it on my own. I can promise you that there isn't a single thing he could EVER say to me to change my mind at this point.
Stay strong! Counting down the days with you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Guava and Wisconsin, re-reading this thread today made the "what if he cries, apologizes, etc., to try to get me to stay" part resonate w/me. I hadn't actually worried about how I would handle it, but your posts have got me thinking. There was some crying early on, but it was always about him, about how he was sick, he needed help, blah blah. That came to a stop as soon as it stopped working, which was about the time I found SR and Alanon.
Since then, there has been very little emotion. No tears for the legal separation, none for the divorce. None for anything I've gone thru. No apologies, no "if I could have it all to do over again." NONE of the things I'd be doing, in his shoes. There really have been no attempts to "win me back." He maintains that I wouldn't believe anything he told me anyway, so why bother? (And he does have a point, I am long past the point of falling for the BS.)
He did cry this past Saturday when he came downstairs clearly drunk, but it was all about HIM again--"I can't do this any more." Not "I can't do this to YOU any more..."
No, guava, they certainly don't behave the way we would, or the way we would like...it's another reality, another planet.
Thank you both for the posts; it's an important reminder for me.
Since then, there has been very little emotion. No tears for the legal separation, none for the divorce. None for anything I've gone thru. No apologies, no "if I could have it all to do over again." NONE of the things I'd be doing, in his shoes. There really have been no attempts to "win me back." He maintains that I wouldn't believe anything he told me anyway, so why bother? (And he does have a point, I am long past the point of falling for the BS.)
He did cry this past Saturday when he came downstairs clearly drunk, but it was all about HIM again--"I can't do this any more." Not "I can't do this to YOU any more..."
No, guava, they certainly don't behave the way we would, or the way we would like...it's another reality, another planet.
Thank you both for the posts; it's an important reminder for me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wisconsin, is there any chance you could pay an extra couple of months' rent in advance? Between that and the security deposit, plus knowing the situation with your husband, the new landlord might feel secure enough to rent to you for, say, a six-month period with a guaranteed renewal for a year if all payments are timely. Just a thought.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
